"I thought you weren't getting a doughnut." Milo stood next to Legolas in the doughnut line, painfully aware of people staring at him.

"I decided I would see what was just so bad about them." It was Legolas's turn to get a doughnut. He picked up a half (for the doughnuts were sliced in half because the people who bought the doughnuts were too cheep just to let everybody have a whole one) and set it on a napkin. He noticed the coffee. "What's that?" he asked.

"Coffee," said the girl behind the counter, pouring another cup.

There were about twenty cups on the counter already, though Caiti had specifically told Audra there should only be about six at a time. But filling them had become an obsession because the lever thing was fun to press, so there were about four times as many cups as there should have been. 'You're not the bloody Coffee Lord,' Audra had thought to herself as Caiti had dictated the Coffee Rules. 'You take care of the doughnuts, I pour the coffee. Coffee for me, not for you. Remind myself to never eat sugar in the morning.'

Anyway, Legolas picked up a cup just as Caiti walked over. Audra replaced that cup with another one.

"Audra! What are you doing?"

"Serving coffee."

"I told you six cups at a time!"

"Well, it's six times four."

Caiti fumed. "You just missed the Elf poser."

Caiti spun around just as Legolas disappeared among the throngs of doughnut- hungry Christians. "God damn it!"

"Watch your language. We're in church."

Milo was speaking with the pastor, who had laryngitis. Which is not relevant to a blasted thing, but it's not fun to listen to a laryngitis- stricken person try to preach the word of God, let me tell you. Legolas walked up, doughnut crumbs on his face and coffee in hand. Half the coffee was already gone, despite the fact that it was piping hot. Milo excused himself from speaking further with the pastor and turned to Legolas. Seeing the coffee cup, his brow creased slightly. Caffeine and Elves really didn't seem like a good idea.

"Doughnuts are good," Legolas announced.

"Good," Milo replied. "Did you drink all that coffee?"

"Um...yes. Should I not have?"

"I don't know yet. We should be going."

Milo later realized that Elves and caffeine weren't a good idea. Legolas's eyes were frightfully bloodshot, and he was bouncing up and down in his seat like an insane monkey, babbling things like, "I'm the real King of Gondor," and, "Who's the prettiest now, Arwen? Tell me that!"

They pulled up to a stoplight in the naspy, factory-infested area just outside St. Louis. Milo clenched and unclenched his hands on the steering wheel, knocking his head against it and making the horn beep rhythmically as Legolas babbled, "Gonna shootcha down, Haldir! Yeah, shootcha down wit my bow! Whoop-pow! Ha ha ha! Take that, foo!"

"LEGOLAS!" Milo shouted. Legolas jumped in his seat, his eyes growing (if possible) even wider.

"Wuh- wuh-what? What what what? Huh?"

"Would you please, for the love of God, shut up?"

"Oh, right okay." Legolas sunk back down into his seat. "Right. Not going to talk. Going to sit here and be very quiet. Not a word. Not a single word. Going to zippy the lippy. No speaky. Silent as a graveyard. Quiet as a mouse. When a problem comes along, you must zip it. Zip it good. I've got whole bag of "sssh" with your name on it. Scotty don't. Scotty..."

Milo's temples throbbed. He didn't need this. "Legolas!" he snapped. Legolas jumped again. "Be quiet, and stop quoting Dr. Evil."

"Who is Dr..."

"Ah ah ah," Milo tutted. "Legolas don't." 'Ah,' he thought to himself, 'I'm so funny sometimes.'

Legolas cracked a smile. "Ah ha, ah ha, ah ha," he laughed. His face straightened. "That wasn't funny." His caffeine-induced craze suddenly left, and he passed out with his head lolling on the window and tongue hanging out of his mouth.