It annoyed Hermione to no end that with that one gesture, Harry managed to look more scholarly than she. Which was a total lie, considering his abysmal studying skills.
"Go on."
"Draco and Ron are having sex a lot."
The stress of planning must have broken her Laugh Repression Muscle, because she guffawed in a distinctly unladylike manner.
"Wow, I did not know! I was really wondering what they were doing all this time! Such a brilliant conclusion just completely escaped-"
"Hermione. This isn't funny."
"I mean, it's not as if Ron has 'Welcome Aboard' tattooed on his penis or anything like that, how was I supposed to know that they were having-"
"Hermione!"
"-sex like it was going out of style?"
"That's it! It's more than is normal! For them, at least."
Hermione's mouth quirked.
"And you know what's normal for them?"
Harry gave her a long suffering look.
"I spent holiday with those two, remember. I know, even though I don't want to. The point is, it's starting to interfere with their outside lives. It happens all the time. Draco walks in. Looks at Ron. He drops whatever he's doing and they go at it. Or, immediately after class, Ron hunts Draco down. They go at it."
Harry shook his head.
"They both look completely knackered. But it doesn't stop. It's not natural. I think they have sex instead of sleeping, sometimes."
"Hmm. Suspicious."
"Yes! That's precisely what I've been trying to say!"
"This needs looking into."
"Yes!"
"Harry, ask them why they are doing it so often."
"Bleeeuurgh, no!"
Harry scratched his head, causing his hair to tousle distressingly. How did Hermione manage to finagle him into this? He distinctly remembered saying no…
"You guys?"
He kicked Ron's bed. No reply. He sighed, covered his eyes and whipped the curtains apart.
"You two had better be decent."
There was no reply.
"Guys?"
"What do you want?" came Draco's annoyed voice.
Harry hazarded a peek. Draco was draped over Ron, who was out cold. Both were fortunately under the covers. Draco rubbed sleep from an eye and raised an eyebrow.
"Well?"
"Uh…"
Draco snorted and moved to pull the curtain shut, only to have Harry swat his hand away.
"You two are having too much sex."
"Harry. We are not."
"Yes, you are. And Hermione wants to know why."
"How rude. I don't pry into your private lives, do I?"
"You two are having too much sex," Harry persisted.
"Compared to you. And you aren't getting any."
Harry sighed.
"Harry, go away. And don't sigh like that every time I point out how you don't get any. It's really annoying."
"I'm annoying? Look who's talking!"
Ron made a disgruntled noise and turned over. Draco cooed and pulled the covers closer around him.
"Harry, I mean it. You are starting to upset him."
"Will you get back to the point and admit that you are having too much sex and then telling me why so I can tell Hermione?"
"And what would happen if I, for some obscure reason, admit to that absurd assertion?"
"Hermione will fix it."
"Ah. Fix it."
Draco's lip curled.
"Having a sex life is not something that needs fixing, thank you. You two are the ones who need to have their brains examined. Go. Away!"
Draco made dismissive shooing motions with his hands. Harry snorted.
"I'm not going."
Draco pouted. And then he smiled. Brightly. It was horrifying.
"Okay. You can stay while I wake Ron up by fellating. I don't mind if you watch."
"Ewww! No!"
Harry retreated, somehow managing not to bump into anything with his eyes shut and hands clapped over his ears.
"Harry. I am disappointed in you."
Harry refused to feel guilty. She will not make me feel guilty. She will not- Bugger. I feel guilty.
"I went and asked, just like you told me to. How is it my fault?"
"I expected better from you. You just had to put him in defensive, didn't you? You just had to make him gross you out, didn't you?"
"How was I supposed to know what to do? It's not like I'm an expert at this sort of thing!"
Hermione sighed.
"Fine. I'll ask."
"He won't cooperate. Just, can't you figure it out on your own?"
Hermione pursed her lips.
"I suppose Ginny knows what to do with the planning. All right. I'll look into it. Both of them haven't been studying as much."
Harry wondered if she would be so unconcerned if they were having sex in her dorm instead.
Harry, one has to admit, knew a thing or two about situations that involve taking action. He has internalized the philosophy that in everything, there is a window of opportunity that does not wait for anyone. So he put a Full Body Bind on Draco and Ron. While they were sleeping. It turned out to be good timing, because they were slexing practically all their free time. And Harry's Hero status wasn't good enough for him to stomach the idea that he could've interrupted them in the middle of having sex. Bleeuuurgh.
He wrapped both securely into sheets and bundled their clothing together to change into later. He then used Mobilicorpus to move them out of Gryffindor Tower and down into the kitchens. For some reason, Hermione saw fit to hold the meeting there. It was quite a job, getting those two down. Luckily, Ginny was present for crowd control and it was a Friday so the hallways were pretty clear of people. Unluckily, they woke up on the way down.
"What is this all about?" Draco snarled once he was able to move again.
"Could you and Ron change first?"
Draco snorted.
"Hermione's got something to say."
"So why couldn't you just roust us out of bed as usual?"
Harry shrugged.
"Just get dressed."
Ron nudged Draco, who was muttering to himself. Draco was pacified just a bit when Ron kissed him on the cheek.
"That does not look good."
Ron was looking at the parchment in Hermione's hands with trepidation. Draco nodded in agreement and tucked himself further into Ron's embrace.
"You two have a problem."
The back of Draco's head, which was the only thing clearly visible, managed to convey waves of disapproval and annoyance.
"I've been doing some research… Ron, stop rolling your eyes like that. You two have a problem. It involves Draco's veela tendencies."
Hermione tapped the parchment in front of her.
"Veela have a breeding season."
"I knew that!" Draco snapped.
"Then do you know how it goes?"
"I skipped that part. It didn't have anything to do with what I was looking for."
Hermione restrained herself from lecturing on such poor researching skills. That would be saved for later.
"Like most species that have breeding seasons, it happens during the spring. Which is right now. And so far, I've figured out that since you have an established mate, you are trying to conceive."
The looks on the boys' faces were exceedingly priceless.
"Co…con…con…"
"We are not!" Draco sputtered.
"Yes, you are."
Harry snickered.
"Um… Hermione? It's not like Draco has the right plumbing… heehee."
"Shut up," Ron muttered.
"Well, obviously. But Draco's body has been unreasonable before. Right now, he's automatically sending out pheromones that are telling both of them to try again and again until they get an egg. Harry, stop laughing. And because it is an automatic thing, Draco can't stop the pheromones. They will go away as soon as they get an egg or when breeding season ends. One or the other."
"Then what's the use of telling us? We are just going to go on doing what we've been doing!"
"Would. But I have a solution."
Ron groaned.
"Your behavior is excessive and annoying and it will tire both of you out! Your appetites are down, your immune systems are probably compromised, and who knows what else! And the worst thing is that you two are not studying!"
"That's the worst thing?" Draco muttered into Ron's chest.
"It's Hermione," Ron replied.
"You two! This is serious!"
Draco lifted his head.
"What about not 'excessive' amounts of sex? Will you and Harry still bother us?"
"No."
Harry shook his head.
"All right," Draco obviously did not believe them.
Hermione lifted a cloth off of a bowl sitting beside them on the table. Harry began to laugh.
"You are nutters," Ron managed.
Hermione, unperturbed, took the egg out of the bowl and held it out to Draco. It was a chicken egg, Engorged to the size of a small infant, with a Preservative Charm on it to keep it from going rotten. Draco sneered.
"And just what do you expect me to do with that oversized omelette?"
"Take it and pretend that it's yours. I'm sure that would stop your urge to breed Ron into the ground."
"Pretend."
"Yes."
"No."
Harry managed to stop laughing enough to take up his wand.
"Just a minute, Hermione. It's not really a Weasley kid unless it looks…"
Harry waved his wand at the egg. It was soon speckled liberally with brown spots and had a reddish splotch on the narrower end.
"Welcome to the world, Eggbert Weasley!"
"Harry!" Ron snarled.
Harry returned to laughing. Draco snorted.
"I refuse to go through this ridiculous charade."
Hermione stubbornly held the egg out. Draco huffed and grasped it. He looked at it, turning it around and around in his hands.
"I feel nothing except for an urge to have this fried with some salt for flavor. Congratulations, you have failed. May we leave now?"
Hermione sighed.
"Change. Now!"
Draco tossed his head, sniffed imperiously, and changed. Not because Hermione ordered him to, mind you, but because he wanted to. He looked at the egg in his claws.
"I still don't feel anything. Except hungry."
Hermione sighed and grabbed at the egg. To everyone's surprise, Draco's crest flared and he snapped his beak at her.
"Kreaach!"
Draco blinked. Hermione grinned.
"Well. Looks like I was right after all."
"I hate you."
Harry continued to laugh.
TBC