Disclaimer: I own nothing, it all belongs to J.K.Rowling. I'm just borrowing the characters to play with for a while. This is for pleasure only, no profit is being made and no copyright infringement is intended.

Chapter Fourteen

Rumors

Ron was awoken by the sound of a pleading whimper. Straining in the dark, he heard it again, "No, please no." Ron sighed, Harry was dreaming again. He wished his friend could find some peace. He knew there was something bothering Harry but as yet Harry hadn't let on what was going on with him. At first he thought it was something to do with Sirius, but now he wasn't so sure. Ron suspected it had more to do with You-Know-Who. "Have to protect them," Harry pleaded in his sleep. Although Ron knew Harry was somehow inexplicably tied to the evil one, he didn't understand the pressure Harry put on himself. It wasn't like bringing the Dark Lord down was Harry's responsibility. After all, he was still just a kid. He knew Harry always took whatever You-Know-Who did to heart and felt an overwhelming sense of guilt about it.

While he sympathized with Harry's plight, he couldn't fully understand it either. He didn't understand why the evil git was so obsessed with Harry and wanted to kill him so badly. In the end, Dumbledore and the Order would win, they would bring You-Know-Who down; Ron needed to believe that. While he was exceedingly proud of his family, well all except for Percy, and all they were doing to help, he was worried about them too. They were deeply involved in all of this and Ron was fearful if they all would make it out alive. The danger of being such a large family involved in a war. Ron heard Harry gasp and sit up, "Are you all right, mate?"

"Yeah," came Harry's shaky reply and he knew that his friend was lying.

Ron heard movement and he peeked his head outside of the bed hangings. Harry had pulled his own hangings aside and was fastening a dressing gown over his pajamas. Harry saw Ron starting at him, "I'm not going to get back to sleep for a while, I'm going to do some reading in the Common Room."

"Want some company?"

"I'm okay Ron, thanks. I've got some preparation to do for the D.A. meeting tonight anyway."

"Okay Harry. Let me know if you change your mind."

Harry padded down the dormitory stairs into the Common Room. The fire was just about out so he stirred the embers and added another log. His nightmares had strengthened again since his talk with Moony and Harry was sure it was just his subconscious struggling with the new information. He was tired of waking Ron all the time and weary of the sympathetic looks his roommates gave him. Ron had been great and never uttered a word of complaint, but Harry knew it wasn't fair to him. It shouldn't be Ron's responsibility to keep him company after he had them too; he'd lost enough sleep already. Harry curled up on his favorite chair and pulled out his notes for the D.A. He tried to study them, he really did, but his gaze kept being drawn to the flames and his mind to the nightmare he'd just escaped from.

He'd been facing Voldemort, battling him with everything he had. Voldemort was just batting Harry's curses away as if they were nothing more than annoying insects. He smiled lazily and laughed at Harry's efforts. That laughter went on and on as Harry's frustration grew. Soon, Voldemort had pulled out an odd, circular device and silkily asked if Harry wanted to play a little game. Harry instantly knew he didn't but couldn't stop himself from reaching over and giving the wheel a spin. It stopped on Neville's face. Neville looked in horror at Harry as Voldemort cast the killing curse. "Don't you just adore Wizard Roulette?" Voldemort hissed as Harry spun the wheel again, this time landing on Ron. Hermione. Mrs. Weasley. Bill. GinnyOne after the other they were all dying because of him yet nothing he tried was working. He couldn't stop himself from spinning the wheel. And all the while that insidious laugh continued to echo.

Harry feared this was more than a nightmare, what if it was a premonition? What if somehow Harry did manage to stop him in the end? Would there be anyone left? If Harry managed to live but without any of the people closest to him, did he really want to? Was that winning? What if that's how it ended, Voldemort killed all the Weasleys, Hermione and Moony but Harry lived and murdered him in the end? Then he'd go back to the Dursleys alone and spend the rest of his life with them? That couldn't be the way this ended! There had to be a way! There just had to.

Harry didn't want to think he was nothing more than a tool, a means to an end one way or the other. Who was he? Harry James Potter, only son of James and Lily. Was this to be his only purpose, his only reason for being? Was this his only reason for existing? If he died, they all died. Simple as that. If he lived but became a murderer, could he live with himself afterwards? Harry's head was aching and he dropped it into his hands, rubbing at his temples.

He hadn't heard Ginny coming down the stairs or kneeling on the floor next to his chair. She rested her hand on his shoulder and he was startled by the touch.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to frighten you," she murmured.

"S'okay. I'm just jumpy."

"Want to talk about it?"

Did he want to talk? Yes, more than anything. But he couldn't. Talking to Moony had only made it worse and he couldn't put Ginny in danger like that. He couldn't tell her without telling Ron and Hermione either and he wasn't ready to make any public announcements on his fate. Ron would panic completely and Hermione would be horrorstruck at first. Next she'd run to the library determined somehow to find a solution to this whole mess. Hermione would never believe the library could let her down. Wearily he shook his head, "I'm sorry Ginny, I can't."

"You don't have to Harry, but there's a big difference between can't and won't."

He understood what she was getting at, but truly believed he was doing the right thing, "I know that. It's still can't."

Ginny nodded but he could tell she wasn't happy. He could see the worry in her eyes and it touched him. Moony had been right about one thing — he wasn't alone. She, Ron and Hermione were all worried about him; they would be there when he needed them. Neville and Luna too, he really did have wonderful friends. He didn't know what it was he did to deserve them, but he was truly grateful to have them. Harry scooted off the chair and sat down on the floor next to her in front of the fire. Leaning his shoulder into hers he said, "Thanks for being here though. I can't tell you how much it helps."

"We all want to be here for you Harry, but you have to let us in. We can't fully help you if we don't know what's going on."

"I know I can be difficult. I'm not trying to be. There are certain things happening in my life that I truly can't share with you right now. I have to work some things out before I can do that."

"I hope you're sharing them with someone Harry. It does you no good to bottle so much up."

"You sound like Hermione."

"Well she's right. She's not the smartest witch in her year for nothing!"

"I don't bottle stuff up."

Ginny just gave him a scathing look and didn't even bother to comment.

"I don't!" Harry insisted.

"Harry, you're not fooling anyone, we can all see how troubled you are. You can't take on the world alone and turn all your emotions about it inward. You have to let it out. Scream, cry, rant just tell someone! If you don't, you'll just end up like Snape, bitter and hostile. Alone. You've been through more than anyone I know and I wish you'd just let us help you."

"I tried talking to Moony the other day," Harry whispered.

Ginny could see the hurt that had crossed Harry's features and desperately wanted to soothe it away. How could she if he wouldn't tell her what was wrong? "Did it not go well?"

Harry shook his head, dropping his gaze; "He's hard to talk to."

Ginny gave an ironic smirk, "Yeah, I know someone like that."

Harry caught the sarcasm and a reluctant grin spread across his features, "Touché."

"I think maybe he has trouble getting close to people. Being a werewolf, he's probably always had to pull away. I'm sure it's hard for him to change the habits of a lifetime even if he wants to." Ginny knew what she was talking about, she had trouble getting close to people too. Other than her family, she'd shut everyone out after her experiences first year and it was only last year that she'd started letting them back in again. She felt she was better for it now too, a stronger person.

Harry was quiet, thinking about her words, they made sense to him, but he still didn't know what to do about it.

"I think he's a lot like you," Ginny continued, "you tend to pull away when anyone tries to get close too. I think maybe sometimes you want to let people in, but don't quite know how to handle it. Maybe if you think of what you would feel like in a given situation, you might understand Remus better."

"He was close to Sirius, I know they talked."

"And you were close to Sirius and would talk to him too. Maybe Sirius was just easy to open up to. You both have that bond and connection, I'm sure you can find a way to build on it."

The warmth of the fire was making Harry sleepy, he knew they should get back up to their rooms, but he was comfortable and this was nice. Ginny's words made a lot of sense and were very comforting. He was feeling very drowsy and he allowed his thoughts to stray. Maybe he and Moony could try again, maybe she was right and both he and Moony were just too reserved for their own good. Ginny lay her head on his shoulder and he enjoyed the warmth of feeling her there. He lay his head on top of hers and shut his eyes. It would be all right just for a few minutes more

They were awakened the next morning by the scathing voice of Dean Thomas; "Well doesn't this look cozy for a pair of friends!"

Harry blinked in confusion and blearily looked around the room. He and Ginny were still sitting on the floor, snuggled very close together. They must have slept down here! Waking fully with a start, both blushed and pulled away as Harry found his glasses lying next to him. Seeing clearly, he looked at the disgruntled face of Dean and the amused looks of Seamus, Neville and Ron plus several other faces already in the Common Room. Hermione was curled up on the couch behind them and Harry jumped at the sound of her voice, "I was going to wake them, but they just looked so cute sleeping there peacefully."

Harry's face was now uncomfortably warm and he looked at Ginny in a panic. She seemed to have regained some of her composure, though her cheeks were still very pink, "Thank you for that bit of consideration Hermione," she said sarcastically." This seemed to only amuse the older girl further and Harry couldn't ever remember seeing Hermione so giggly! "I've always got your best interests at heart Ginny, you know that," she said sweetly. Ginny glared at her and Harry jumped up off the floor. "I'm going to take a quick shower," he said, nearly running up the stairs.

"We're going to talk about this later Potter," Ron's voice called up the stairs, but Harry could hear the amusement. Harry swore under his breath, how could he have let that happen? The rumors Cho Chang started had just about died down with no evidence of Harry and Ginny dating, now this would bring all that back up again. Harry hated being the center of attention no matter what the cause but he certainly didn't want the focus to be on his love life, or lack thereof! He'd have to talk to Ginny about it later, for now he was going to be late for class.

Thankfully, after a rocky start, Harry's day went relatively smoothly. Owing mostly to the fact he didn't have Potions that day. Lessons with Snape were always harrowing and more often than not, left Harry with a headache that had nothing to do with his scar. The Potions Master was always ready to pounce on the slightest error and daily tested Harry's resolve not to mess up in class. He was meticulous with his essays and followed instructions to the letter. Even Hermione was impressed with his progress. Snape, however, seemed even more irritated by him, if that were possible. From the biting comments he would make, Harry was sure Snape had been pressured into accepting Harry into the class. He couldn't help but wonder who had what over Snape or what kind of bargain had been struck to allow him to take the class. He assumed it was either McGonagall or Dumbledore himself, but neither was owning up to the deed.

Harry was doing well in his other classes as well. The workload was heavy but bearable and he was managing to fit in Quidditch practice as well as preparing for the D.A. He remembered Sirius telling him that sixth year was the best of all. In between OWLs and NEWTs so the studying wasn't as intense, but still old enough to have enough privileges to get into plenty of mischief.

His relationship with Professor Trent was still strained, but not difficult. She was cold and distant but didn't single him out or embarrass him in class like Snape did. Hermione suggested that since Harry was bothered by her knowledge of his parents, maybe he affected her too. Maybe Harry had reminded her of some painful memories she'd rather not think about and she was trying to avoid him the same way he was she. That made sense to Harry and he had no problem keeping their relationship distant. She continued teaching a variety of spells that could be useful in battle, but nothing Harry could use to take down the Big Guy. Hermione hated when he joked like that, but Harry found it made things easier to deal with. For him anyway, lightening the situation at all seemed to help.

Tonks was good for this. She was always fun and her Defense lessons left him grinning right through dinner afterwards. She helped him work on his Shield Charm until it was now strong enough to withstand a volley of several curses. When Tonks had suggested getting into a practice dual with Malfoy to see how long he could hold it in a real situation, Harry wasn't sure if she was joking or not. They had tried to work on some wandless magic. Just a few simple spells, but Harry had no luck at all making anything happen. They started each lesson with a few attempts but Harry was growing frustrated and Tonks suspected his being able to perform wandless magic was a fluke. Since most young witches and wizards could do it when upset, it just might be lasting a bit longer in Harry. He'd had a lot to be upset about in his life. Harry ignored that comment and continued to try, but short of getting a Dementor to go after him and see if he could do it again, he didn't know what else to try.

The first meeting of the D.A. was scheduled for seven o'clock that night and Harry wasn't sure how many people would attend. Nearly all of the previous members who were still at Hogwarts said they would be coming and announcements went up in the Common Rooms of all the Houses in case anyone else would like to join. They'd opened it to fourth year and above.

Harry got to the Room of Requirement early and was rapidly scanning his notes. Ron, Hermione and Ginny had come up to keep him company and were amused by how nervous he seemed. "You've done this before mate," Ron commiserated.

"You'll be fine Harry," Hermione soothed, "You just have to get into your routine again. We'll all be here to help if you need us."

The door opened and the rest of the Gryffindors arrived. They all had noticed Harry's nerves growing as the day wore on and got there early in a show of support, even Dean Thomas who was still glaring at Ginny over the incident that morning. For her part, Ginny didn't seem the least bit put out by him. In fact, she barely acknowledged his presence. Harry had asked Hermione why Dean seemed so angry at Ginny; after all he was the one who had broken up with her. Hermione explained that Dean thought the reason Ginny was being so distant all summer was that she was already getting involved with Harry. Harry didn't know how Hermione figured these things out so easily about other people but had taken so long to get together with Ron. He was glad she helped him though, but he wished sometimes that she could explain these things before he got himself in trouble.

Ernie MacMillan, Hannah Abbott and Susan Bones arrived next, followed closely by Anthony Goldstein, Michael Corner and Cho Chang. Cho smiled brightly at Harry but narrowed her eyes as she noticed Ginny sitting beside him.

The room began to fill with several new students and Professor McGonagall was taking down names as they entered. Harry heard a low growl come from Ron and looked up to see Draco Malfoy entering the room with his trademark swagger. Crabbe, Goyle and Pansy Parkinson followed him inside. The sneer seemed to melt off Malfoy's face as he realized Professor McGonagall was there and planned on staying, "Yes Mr. Malfoy, I'll be the staff representative for this club. It's an official school club this year so some things have changed."

"I knew it couldn't be Potter teaching it," Malfoy said loudly to his bodyguards, at least that's what Harry thought they resembled.

"On the contrary Mr. Malfoy," Professor McGonagall interrupted, "Mr. Potter is indeed the instructor. I'm here merely as a representative and to assist him if needed."

Harry smiled and shut the door. Taking a deep breath, he approached the podium that had been set up in the center of the room, "To those of you who are returning, welcome back! To our new members, I'm happy you joined us. We started this group last year in order to better prepare us for our OWLs. As you may recall, the level of instruction last year in Defense was not up to standards. Although that situation has improved, we," Harry said nodding his head in the direction of Hermione and Ron, "felt that due to the upcoming war and the return of Voldemort, we should continue preparing to defend ourselves." There were several gasps as Harry said his name, but he ignored them and pressed on. "We were working on Patronus charms when we were forced to break up last year so I thought we'd pick right back up there. As you're all aware, the Dementors have left Azkaban and knowing how to cast a Patronus could be critical."

"Come on Potter," Pansy interrupted, "What student is actually going to be able to cast a Patronus?"

"I think you'll find several of them in here who already can. Hermione, why don't you help anyone from last year that was already able to do it over there. Those of you who are new or still having trouble with this, follow me and we'll begin over here."

As they began work on the theory of casting a Patronus, Harry prepared to show them how it was done. Closing his eyes, he envisioned Sirius telling him he could come live with him and leave the Dursleys forever as they left the Shrieking Shack. He tried to focus on the joy he felt in that moment, but his thoughts kept drifting back to the veil and the fact that that life was never to be. Shaking his head and smiling sheepishly at the expectant students, Harry thought of flying, soaring above the Quidditch pitch to win the Quidditch cup.

As he bellowed the words, "Expecto Patronum," however, his thoughts turned to the fact Sirius gave him that Firebolt and once again the loss overwhelmed his thoughts. His Patronus quickly turned to formless vapor and evaporated. Harry felt a thin sheen of sweat break out on his forehead. Why couldn't he do it? He couldn't seem to focus on anything happy for more than an instant, how pathetic was that? Panicking slightly, Harry glanced over at Ginny and saw her listening intently to Hermione's instruction. Harry was reminded of his convalescence at Grimmauld Place and Ginny teasing him for playing it up. That familiar swooshing feeling in his stomach caused a grin and he quickly bellowed, "Expecto Patronum!"

Prongs galloped from his wand and sauntered around the room to the amazement of some of the newer students. For the next several hours they all worked on their Patronus charms. Professor McGonagall was pleased with the level of instruction in the class and the eagerness of the students. When she announced it was time for the students to return to their dormitories, Harry was stunned by the time. It had just flown by and he felt he was riding on that same high he experienced the previous year. He stayed behind to clean up and his friends remained with him.

"That was a really good first lesson," Hermione enthused.

"Great job Harry. I just wish I could make out the form of my Patronus."

"Don't worry, it'll come Ginny. Even the vapor is helpful against a Dementor. I had trouble getting it at first today and I thought Malfoy was going to split his face in half from grinning so wide, he was so pleased."

"You did it though! I saw Prongs from the corner of my eye?" Hermione questioned.

"Yeah. Malfoy pretty much sulked after that."

"What was he doing here anyway," Ron asked angrily, "Probably reporting back to his dad what's going on. I'm sure he's here as a spy!"

"More likely he just wanted to cause some trouble but couldn't because McGonagall was here. He probably won't be back again."

"Are we going to continue with the Patronus charm Harry? I really want to get a form out of mine?" Ginny asked.

"You'll get it Ginny, don't worry," Ron encouraged, "It's not like you're going to run into a Dementor in Hogsmeade."

They all returned to the Common Room and turned in for the night. As Ron and Harry were changing into their pajamas Ron leaned over with a smirk, "I hope you're planning on actually sleeping in your own bed tonight Harry?"

Harry glared at Ron, "Sod off!" As he climbed into his bunk, he had to grin at Ron's chuckling, at least he didn't try and deck me!

A/N: Special thanks to Samhaincat for some of Ginny's words after Harry's dream. They came from an interesting email conversation we had on Harry's state of mind.