Rating: PG
Spoilers: No spoilers.
Summary: Carter, Abby and the story of a bear .. ; )
Disclaimer: I don't own anything ... ; )
Feedback: Sure, I'd love to know what you think! : )
Author's notes: I wrote this a long time ago .. but never posted it for some reason .. I hope you'll like it a bit .. ; )
Thank you Tracey for beta reading! ::hugs::
And Happy Birthday, Cec!! ::hugs::
"Great Expectations"
Great Expectations.
What a name for a shop for baby stuff. It makes me smile slightly. I had never even noticed that one before. Even though it's not far from our apartment – and we've been living here for quite a while now.
But I guess, until now, I was just not looking for that kind of shops. And there was a time when I thought I'd never be looking for them – a time not too long ago …
oOoOo
"Abby, we don't have to decide this now. We have a lot of time to think about it."
She looks at me, a pained expression on her face. I know this hurts her as much as it hurts me. I know she wants children, but she's scared and I understand. But I want nothing more than a child with her.
"John, I'm sorry. But I can't … I want you to know that I can't give you this before we get even more serious … or even married. I understand if you don't want me anymore … if you want a woman who you can have lots of children with. You deserve it, you'd be a wonderful father. I want you to have children … "
"And you'd be a wonderful mother. The chance that something could go wrong is so small."
She shakes her head, tears running down her cheeks slowly. "I'm sorry," she sobs as I pull her into my arms to comfort her – and me.
And I realize that it's not true that I want nothing more than a child with her. Most of all I want her and I don't want to lose her over this.
oOoOo
But now I'm here, almost pressing my nose against the shop window like a six year old choosing what to put on the list of wishes to send them to Santa for Christmas. Though we've already had Christmas and I received more than I could ever have hoped for.
I'm overwhelmed, as I bring my attention back to the shop window. They have so many things; I'd never know what to choose. I'm sure all they have is great. But I'll wait for Abby to come with me to pick out the really important things. But today I'm here alone. I couldn't take her with me. I want it to be a surprise. And I have to make up for yesterday – though I'm not here only because of that. I have to admit that I like going shopping for the baby already.
I can already hear her protest when I bring something home for our baby – but I know secretly she'll love it.
I'm amazed as I look around and my eyes fall on the baby clothes they have. Everything is so tiny. I've seen so many newborn babies in the ER – but to imagine that my own baby could fit into all these little clothes is unbelievable.
I notice how cold it is in January in Chicago as shudder runs through my body. I decide to go in before I freeze to death.
A little bell that hangs above the door rings as I open it and announces my entrance.
It's a little shop, but I can feel the cosy and welcoming atmosphere inside.
Besides me I can only see a young couple strolling through the shop. The man has his arm around the woman and she has an already pretty round belly which she protects with her hand. They look really happy and I can imagine Abby and I like that in a few months and I can hardly wait for it.
At the moment it seems so unbelievable that there's a little baby inside of Abby. But the ultrasound clearly showed it – it's in there.
An old lady – probably the owner of the shop – brings me out of my daydream as she approaches. "Can I help you, dear?" she asks me in a friendly voice.
I smile at her. "Um … yeah. I … I need something for a baby," I explain clumsily. I've never been shopping for baby stuff before.
She just smiles back at me. "I think then you're just right here. What exactly do you need?"
I realize that I really hadn't thought about that yet. I just wanted to buy something, but I don't know what yet. So I shrug my shoulders. "I don't really know," I tell her. "Just ... just a little something."
Her smile grows wider. "I'm sure we'll find something, dear. How old is the baby?"
"Um … it's not really born yet … "
"Oh," she exclaims. "Will it be a boy or a girl?"
"We … we don't know yet."
She smiles at me warmly. "So you want to be surprised?"
Actually, we didn't even think about that yet. A surprise would be nice, but I'm not sure that I can take it not to know for another couple of months.
"It's too early to tell."
"How far along is your wife? You are married, right?"
I smile at her – she seems a little old fashioned. But I think I'm beaming anyway when I answer her. It took Abby long enough to say yes.
oOoOo
"First, I am required to ask anyone present who knows a reason why these persons may not lawfully marry, to declare it now," I hear the minister say.
I hold my breath. I'm sure nobody has anything against our marriage, it's just a phrase. But there's still this weird feeling in my stomach. It passes though, as nobody stands up to speak.
But maybe it was just because I'm so nervous to finally become her husband. I'm still mesmerized when I look at her. She looks stunning.
"The vows you are about to take are to be made in the presence of God, who is judge of all and knows all the secrets of our hearts; therefore if either of you knows a reason why you may not lawfully marry, you must declare it now."
We just look at each other, grinning from ear to ear. We can't wait for the minister to ask the really important questions.
"John Truman Carter, will you take Abigail Marjorie Lockhart to be your wife? Will you love her, comfort her, honour and protect her, and, forsaking all others, be faithful to her as long as you both shall live?" he asks.
"I will," I answer and look at her.
"Abigail Marjorie Lockhart, will you take John Truman Carter to be your husband? Will you love him, comfort him, honour and protect him, and, forsaking all others, be faithful to him as long as you both shall live?" the minister then asks Abby. And I hold my breath again. I know she'll say yes, but I can't help but be nervous.
"I will," she finally answers, giving me the prettiest smile.
"Will you, the families and friends of John and Abigail, support and uphold them in their marriage now and in the years to come?"
"We will," I hear them say all together and a feeling of warmth runs through my body.
oOoOo
"Yes, not for long yet, though. We got married last May. She's only six weeks along."
"Oh, so it will take a while before you're a father then."
oOoOo
"You're what?" I ask her in disbelief.
"I'm … I'm pregnant," she tells me under her tears. "We're having a baby."
I can't help but grin from ear to ear. But then a thought crosses my mind. "Are you … are you happy about it? Will you … keep it?" I'm scared – it wasn't planned. What if she doesn't want it?
But she breaks out in a grin. "Of course I'll keep it. I'm happy and I can't wait to hold our baby in my arms."
I don't know what to say. "But … you said you … "
"I know," she interrupts me. "But now that it's happened – I'm so happy. I never thought I would be. But to know that a little life is growing inside me makes me happy. It's a part of you and me and I don't want to lose it."
I wrap my arms around her and hold her tight. "You're making me the happiest man on earth."
"And I'm the happiest woman on earth," she tells me as she tightens her embrace around me.
oOoOo
I nod. "It's due in September." And I can't help but grin when I realize that it's the first time in my life that I can answer with a yes when someone asks me if I'm going to be a father.
"Where is your wife?" she asks me.
She's rather nosy but for some reason I don't mind to tell her the story of my life – of our lifes to be precise. "She's at home," I tell her.
"She didn't want to come with you?"
"Actually, she doesn't know I'm here … "
"So you want to surprise your wife?"
I smile and scratch the back of my head. "Kind of … I have to make up for something."
oOoOo
"Do you really have to go?" she asks me, her eyes pleading me to stay.
I look down to kiss the top of her head. "I'm sorry. But it's only for a day. I'll be back tomorrow. I'll be back with you before you even know that I'm gone."
I don't think I can convince her as she shakes her head. "I know, but I have a bad feeling about this. I don't want to jinx it but I have a feeling that something bad will happen."
"Hey," I say as I pull her into my arms. "I'll be back soon and everything will be okay. I promise. But I really need to attend that foundation meeting."
She just buries her head deeper into my sweater and wraps her arms around me tighter.
"I'll make up for it," I tell her to cheer her up
She gives me a small smile.
oOoOo
She looks at me – almost a little amused like she knows what I'm talking about.
"What did you have in mind for the little something to be, dear?" she asks me as she leads me to the back of the shop. "Something to wear for the baby or something to play with? Or something practical?"
As I told her, I didn't really think about what to buy yet. I think subconsciously I was tending towards something to wear. A little shirt maybe, in some color that either can be for a girl or boy. Something neutral our baby could wear – no matter what it will be. But then I see the cute little teddy bear sitting on a shelf in a corner of the shop.
"I think I just decided on a toy," I tell her with a smile and point at the teddy bear.
She doesn't even turn round as she probably already knows what caught my eye.
"I'm sorry dear, but that teddy bear is not for sale. My daughter made it when she was pregnant with my first grandchild. It holds good and bad memories for me. She began with it on the day she found out she was pregnant. We were all so happy. But the pregnancy was complicated and at one point it seemed like she lost the baby." She sighs deeply. "But both my daughter and my grandchild were fighters. She finished the teddy bear the day the doctor told her that the baby would make it. And six months later she gave birth to a healthy boy."
I can't help but be disappointed. I don't know why – but this bear felt just perfect. I could already picture our son or daughter playing with it.
But I'm also moved by the story the lady just told me. I can understand that it's special for her and that she doesn't want to give it away.
She must notice my disappointment as she turns around, takes the bear out of the shelf and holds it out for me to take it. "Take it, dear. I know it'll be in good hands."
I smile at her. "No, I can't take it. It's special for you."
She smiles back at me. "Take it. I want you to have it. It's enough for me to know that it'll be special for you, too."
I take the bear in my hands and smile. It's so soft and really perfect. "I'll take good care of it," I tell her. "How much is it?"
It feels stupid to talk about money now, the memories that bear holds for the old lady are probably worth more than I could pay anyway. But I'll have to pay for it – at least I thought so until she begins to speak again.
"Take it as a gift, dear," she says with a smile. "And maybe you can come back one day with your daughter or son."
I don't want to take her offer but I choose to take it in the end. I know she wants me to have it and that it would offend her if I said no.
"Thank you," I say instead. "I will."
"And now go to your wife," she tells me. "She'll be missing you."
She's right, and I miss Abby, too.
xXxXx
I get the bear and the keys out of my pocket as I reach the door to our apartment.
I expect Abby to fall around my neck once I enter the apartment – but instead I'm greeted by an eerie darkness and silence.
Maybe she's out, but she knew I'd be home around that time and it's already late. She wouldn't go out alone at this time of the day.
I close the door behind myself and walk around the corner. I smile when I see some dim light in the living room. Maybe she just didn't hear me coming in.
I find her with a blanket wrapped around her, sitting on the sofa. She has pulled up her legs and is hugging them – facing the wall. Maybe she's sleeping.
"Hey Abby," I say and sit down next to her but she doesn't turn around. I hope she's not still mad at me for leaving the way I did.
"Hey, look what I brought for the baby," I tell her and place the bear on her knee while I put my arm around her shoulder.
She turns around a little and I can see her teary eyes through her hair that has fallen across her face. Why is she crying? She can't have missed me that much.
"There is no baby," she tells me, her voice raspy and shaking from crying.
I feel a lump building in my throat and I have to swallow hard as I forget about the bear and let it tumble down her legs until it hits the floor.
"Abby, what do you mean?" I ask her worriedly, trying to make her turn around and tell me what on earth happened.
"I miscarried," she sobs. "I'm so sorry John."
"Shhh," I say and wrap my arms around her as she begins to cry. "What exactly happened?"
I feel her shrug her shoulders. "I was on the toilet and there was blood ... it's all my fault, I'm so sorry," she sobs into my chest.
If she wasn't so upset I'd think she did something stupid. But even though she was scared of having children, I know she loved this child.
"It's not your fault," I try to comfort her and rub her back. "You didn't do anything wrong."
I feel her shake her head. "But I didn't want kids. That's what I get now," she tells me before she can't speak anymore.
"Hey, it's not anyone's fault. We both loved the baby."
She's silent but continues to cry and I feel tears in my eyes, too as I hold her even more tight.
It must have been horrible for her to be alone after it happened. It's hard to deal with it together. But it must be even harder to deal with it alone.
"I'm sorry that I wasn't here. Why didn't you call me?"
"It only just happened a few hours ago ... I … ," she chokes out but then her emotions make it too hard for her to say more.
"What did the doctor say?" I ask her when I feel her calm down a little.
I don't even know why I ask her. It doesn't matter really. But I have to know.
"I didn't see a doctor," she whispers. "I knew what was going on when I saw the blood. I knew it couldn't end well. I don't deserve to be a mother."
I feel like a jerk – but I have to admit that I'm not really listening to her. That she didn't even see a doctor gives me hope – I don't know why. She was an OB nurse and is a Paediatrician now – she should know what she's talking about. But I can't help but hope.
And when my eyes catch the teddy bear lying on the floor I remember what the old lady told me when I was in the shop earlier.
"She began with it on the day she found out she was pregnant. We were all so happy. But the pregnancy was complicated and at one point it seemed like she lost the baby. But both my daughter and my grandchild were fighters. She finished the teddy bear the day the doctor told her that the baby would make it. And six months later she gave birth to a healthy boy."
"Come on Abby," I tell her as I try to pull her up from the sofa. "We have to go to the hospital now," I add as I grab the bear from the floor and head out with her to the car.
xXxXx
"G – R – E – A – T E – X – P – E – C – T – A – T – I – O – N – S," she says slowly as we stand in front of the shop and she tries to read the name on the plate hanging above the door. She's too young to be able to read it yet and to know what it means. But she knows the letters and is proud of it – and so am I.
I can hardly believe that the events almost 5 years ago really took place. It seems so unreal – but I couldn't be happier about the outcome of everything.
oOoOo
I'm sitting on the edge of Abby's hospital bed, holding her hand in mine tightly.
The doctor is about to tell us the news we've been waiting for for hours and I can hardly take it to wait any longer to find out what's going on.
"It didn't look good, Dr and Mrs Carter. There was some bleeding and you were about to miscarry. An hour later and it would have been to late."
Abby and I sigh deeply as tears gather in our eyes. I can't believe how lucky we apparently were. We almost lost the baby a few hours ago.
"But luckily you were here in time to save mother and child. You should take it easy for the rest of the pregnancy but we removed the cyst and now everything should be fine," the doctor tells us, and smiles at us before she leaves.
Abby and I look at each other and smile through our tears before she turns her head and looks at the bear on the nightstand.
"I feel like making one now, too," she chuckles slightly.
oOoOo
"What does that mean, daddy?" she asks me with a grin and brings me out of my thoughts, her big brown eyes staring at me. She always wants to know everything.
"It means Great Expectations," I tell her. "You know, when a mommy has a baby in her belly you say she's expecting."
"Oh! Like mommy now with my new brother or sister?" she squeals.
I smile at her. "Yep, like mommy now. And you can buy stuff for babies here."
Her grin gets wider. "Are we buying toys for the new baby, daddy?"
I smile at her. "No, we're visiting an old friend. We wanted to give her something, remember?"
She thinks for a moment but then she holds up the brown paper bag she's holding in her hand. "We'll give her this," she says happily.
"That's right," I say to her.
"Daddy?"
"Yeah?" I wonder what she wants to know now. She already knows the story of the teddy bear – at least more or less.
"Can we go in now? It's sooooo cold," she says and shudders on purpose to emphasize her words.
"We can, baby," I say as I reach out my hand for her to take it.
She giggles at the sound the bell still hanging above the door makes. I wonder if the old lady still works here like that bell is still here.
The shop is empty so I spot her easily between the strollers while she's carefully arranging them. Our eyes meet as she turns around and sees us while we walk towards her.
I'm not sure if she knows who I am. We haven't been here since the night she gave me the bear.
"Excuse me," I say carefully. "I don't know if you remember me ... I'm the one who ... "
"Got my bear, I know," she interrupts me and smiles at me warmly. I'm amazed that she really remembers who I am.
"And you little lady must be the reason why your daddy came here almost five years ago?"
"Yeah, this is Alicia," I say and stroke my little girl's head while she's hiding shyly behind my legs.
The lady smiles at me knowingly as she hears her name.
oOoOo
"Oh, and the bear is a girl," she calls after me as I'm just about to leave the shop. "Her name is Alicia. That's the name my daughter wanted to give her baby. But it was a boy in the end and she decided that he wouldn't be happy with that name," she chuckles slightly.
I nod and just smile at her as I finally leave the shop.
oOoOo
"So you kept your promise and came back," she says to me.
I just nod.
"We're here to give you this," Alicia suddenly announces and holds out the paper bag she has in her hand – not shy at all anymore.
"Oh, what's this, dear?" she asks and bends down to take the bag from Alicia.
"Open it!" she exclaims and jumps in excitement before I pick her up.
We both have to smile at her enthusiasm as she opens the bag and gets out a little teddy bear. It's quite ugly – the nose is a little further on the right than it should be – but the meaning of the bear is more important than what it looks like.
"It's not your bear because yours is mine now," Alicia explains. "But my mommy made this one a looooong time ago when she was with the doctors and they told her and my daddy that I'm okay after they thought something was wrong with me. And I finished it with her," she adds proudly. "And daddy said you'd like to have this one because you gave him yours for me a long time ago."
I don't have to explain any more as she nods like she knows what happened back then and why I thought she should have that bear.
Alicia and I follow her as she goes to the back of the shop to the shelf the little bear Alicia was sitting on all these years ago. The spot is still empty and we watch her as she sits the new bear onto the shelf.
"What's the name of the bear, Alicia?" she lady asks her.
"He's a boy and his name is Cléo. That's the name I want for the new baby if it's a boy. Mommy and daddy say it's more a girl's name. But they'll think about it," she answers and smiles brightly as we're all standing in front of the shelf and look at the bear.
I hope that however gets the bear Cléo will be as lucky as we were when we got the original bear Alicia.
Spoilers: No spoilers.
Summary: Carter, Abby and the story of a bear .. ; )
Disclaimer: I don't own anything ... ; )
Feedback: Sure, I'd love to know what you think! : )
Author's notes: I wrote this a long time ago .. but never posted it for some reason .. I hope you'll like it a bit .. ; )
Thank you Tracey for beta reading! ::hugs::
And Happy Birthday, Cec!! ::hugs::
"Great Expectations"
Great Expectations.
What a name for a shop for baby stuff. It makes me smile slightly. I had never even noticed that one before. Even though it's not far from our apartment – and we've been living here for quite a while now.
But I guess, until now, I was just not looking for that kind of shops. And there was a time when I thought I'd never be looking for them – a time not too long ago …
oOoOo
"Abby, we don't have to decide this now. We have a lot of time to think about it."
She looks at me, a pained expression on her face. I know this hurts her as much as it hurts me. I know she wants children, but she's scared and I understand. But I want nothing more than a child with her.
"John, I'm sorry. But I can't … I want you to know that I can't give you this before we get even more serious … or even married. I understand if you don't want me anymore … if you want a woman who you can have lots of children with. You deserve it, you'd be a wonderful father. I want you to have children … "
"And you'd be a wonderful mother. The chance that something could go wrong is so small."
She shakes her head, tears running down her cheeks slowly. "I'm sorry," she sobs as I pull her into my arms to comfort her – and me.
And I realize that it's not true that I want nothing more than a child with her. Most of all I want her and I don't want to lose her over this.
oOoOo
But now I'm here, almost pressing my nose against the shop window like a six year old choosing what to put on the list of wishes to send them to Santa for Christmas. Though we've already had Christmas and I received more than I could ever have hoped for.
I'm overwhelmed, as I bring my attention back to the shop window. They have so many things; I'd never know what to choose. I'm sure all they have is great. But I'll wait for Abby to come with me to pick out the really important things. But today I'm here alone. I couldn't take her with me. I want it to be a surprise. And I have to make up for yesterday – though I'm not here only because of that. I have to admit that I like going shopping for the baby already.
I can already hear her protest when I bring something home for our baby – but I know secretly she'll love it.
I'm amazed as I look around and my eyes fall on the baby clothes they have. Everything is so tiny. I've seen so many newborn babies in the ER – but to imagine that my own baby could fit into all these little clothes is unbelievable.
I notice how cold it is in January in Chicago as shudder runs through my body. I decide to go in before I freeze to death.
A little bell that hangs above the door rings as I open it and announces my entrance.
It's a little shop, but I can feel the cosy and welcoming atmosphere inside.
Besides me I can only see a young couple strolling through the shop. The man has his arm around the woman and she has an already pretty round belly which she protects with her hand. They look really happy and I can imagine Abby and I like that in a few months and I can hardly wait for it.
At the moment it seems so unbelievable that there's a little baby inside of Abby. But the ultrasound clearly showed it – it's in there.
An old lady – probably the owner of the shop – brings me out of my daydream as she approaches. "Can I help you, dear?" she asks me in a friendly voice.
I smile at her. "Um … yeah. I … I need something for a baby," I explain clumsily. I've never been shopping for baby stuff before.
She just smiles back at me. "I think then you're just right here. What exactly do you need?"
I realize that I really hadn't thought about that yet. I just wanted to buy something, but I don't know what yet. So I shrug my shoulders. "I don't really know," I tell her. "Just ... just a little something."
Her smile grows wider. "I'm sure we'll find something, dear. How old is the baby?"
"Um … it's not really born yet … "
"Oh," she exclaims. "Will it be a boy or a girl?"
"We … we don't know yet."
She smiles at me warmly. "So you want to be surprised?"
Actually, we didn't even think about that yet. A surprise would be nice, but I'm not sure that I can take it not to know for another couple of months.
"It's too early to tell."
"How far along is your wife? You are married, right?"
I smile at her – she seems a little old fashioned. But I think I'm beaming anyway when I answer her. It took Abby long enough to say yes.
oOoOo
"First, I am required to ask anyone present who knows a reason why these persons may not lawfully marry, to declare it now," I hear the minister say.
I hold my breath. I'm sure nobody has anything against our marriage, it's just a phrase. But there's still this weird feeling in my stomach. It passes though, as nobody stands up to speak.
But maybe it was just because I'm so nervous to finally become her husband. I'm still mesmerized when I look at her. She looks stunning.
"The vows you are about to take are to be made in the presence of God, who is judge of all and knows all the secrets of our hearts; therefore if either of you knows a reason why you may not lawfully marry, you must declare it now."
We just look at each other, grinning from ear to ear. We can't wait for the minister to ask the really important questions.
"John Truman Carter, will you take Abigail Marjorie Lockhart to be your wife? Will you love her, comfort her, honour and protect her, and, forsaking all others, be faithful to her as long as you both shall live?" he asks.
"I will," I answer and look at her.
"Abigail Marjorie Lockhart, will you take John Truman Carter to be your husband? Will you love him, comfort him, honour and protect him, and, forsaking all others, be faithful to him as long as you both shall live?" the minister then asks Abby. And I hold my breath again. I know she'll say yes, but I can't help but be nervous.
"I will," she finally answers, giving me the prettiest smile.
"Will you, the families and friends of John and Abigail, support and uphold them in their marriage now and in the years to come?"
"We will," I hear them say all together and a feeling of warmth runs through my body.
oOoOo
"Yes, not for long yet, though. We got married last May. She's only six weeks along."
"Oh, so it will take a while before you're a father then."
oOoOo
"You're what?" I ask her in disbelief.
"I'm … I'm pregnant," she tells me under her tears. "We're having a baby."
I can't help but grin from ear to ear. But then a thought crosses my mind. "Are you … are you happy about it? Will you … keep it?" I'm scared – it wasn't planned. What if she doesn't want it?
But she breaks out in a grin. "Of course I'll keep it. I'm happy and I can't wait to hold our baby in my arms."
I don't know what to say. "But … you said you … "
"I know," she interrupts me. "But now that it's happened – I'm so happy. I never thought I would be. But to know that a little life is growing inside me makes me happy. It's a part of you and me and I don't want to lose it."
I wrap my arms around her and hold her tight. "You're making me the happiest man on earth."
"And I'm the happiest woman on earth," she tells me as she tightens her embrace around me.
oOoOo
I nod. "It's due in September." And I can't help but grin when I realize that it's the first time in my life that I can answer with a yes when someone asks me if I'm going to be a father.
"Where is your wife?" she asks me.
She's rather nosy but for some reason I don't mind to tell her the story of my life – of our lifes to be precise. "She's at home," I tell her.
"She didn't want to come with you?"
"Actually, she doesn't know I'm here … "
"So you want to surprise your wife?"
I smile and scratch the back of my head. "Kind of … I have to make up for something."
oOoOo
"Do you really have to go?" she asks me, her eyes pleading me to stay.
I look down to kiss the top of her head. "I'm sorry. But it's only for a day. I'll be back tomorrow. I'll be back with you before you even know that I'm gone."
I don't think I can convince her as she shakes her head. "I know, but I have a bad feeling about this. I don't want to jinx it but I have a feeling that something bad will happen."
"Hey," I say as I pull her into my arms. "I'll be back soon and everything will be okay. I promise. But I really need to attend that foundation meeting."
She just buries her head deeper into my sweater and wraps her arms around me tighter.
"I'll make up for it," I tell her to cheer her up
She gives me a small smile.
oOoOo
She looks at me – almost a little amused like she knows what I'm talking about.
"What did you have in mind for the little something to be, dear?" she asks me as she leads me to the back of the shop. "Something to wear for the baby or something to play with? Or something practical?"
As I told her, I didn't really think about what to buy yet. I think subconsciously I was tending towards something to wear. A little shirt maybe, in some color that either can be for a girl or boy. Something neutral our baby could wear – no matter what it will be. But then I see the cute little teddy bear sitting on a shelf in a corner of the shop.
"I think I just decided on a toy," I tell her with a smile and point at the teddy bear.
She doesn't even turn round as she probably already knows what caught my eye.
"I'm sorry dear, but that teddy bear is not for sale. My daughter made it when she was pregnant with my first grandchild. It holds good and bad memories for me. She began with it on the day she found out she was pregnant. We were all so happy. But the pregnancy was complicated and at one point it seemed like she lost the baby." She sighs deeply. "But both my daughter and my grandchild were fighters. She finished the teddy bear the day the doctor told her that the baby would make it. And six months later she gave birth to a healthy boy."
I can't help but be disappointed. I don't know why – but this bear felt just perfect. I could already picture our son or daughter playing with it.
But I'm also moved by the story the lady just told me. I can understand that it's special for her and that she doesn't want to give it away.
She must notice my disappointment as she turns around, takes the bear out of the shelf and holds it out for me to take it. "Take it, dear. I know it'll be in good hands."
I smile at her. "No, I can't take it. It's special for you."
She smiles back at me. "Take it. I want you to have it. It's enough for me to know that it'll be special for you, too."
I take the bear in my hands and smile. It's so soft and really perfect. "I'll take good care of it," I tell her. "How much is it?"
It feels stupid to talk about money now, the memories that bear holds for the old lady are probably worth more than I could pay anyway. But I'll have to pay for it – at least I thought so until she begins to speak again.
"Take it as a gift, dear," she says with a smile. "And maybe you can come back one day with your daughter or son."
I don't want to take her offer but I choose to take it in the end. I know she wants me to have it and that it would offend her if I said no.
"Thank you," I say instead. "I will."
"And now go to your wife," she tells me. "She'll be missing you."
She's right, and I miss Abby, too.
xXxXx
I get the bear and the keys out of my pocket as I reach the door to our apartment.
I expect Abby to fall around my neck once I enter the apartment – but instead I'm greeted by an eerie darkness and silence.
Maybe she's out, but she knew I'd be home around that time and it's already late. She wouldn't go out alone at this time of the day.
I close the door behind myself and walk around the corner. I smile when I see some dim light in the living room. Maybe she just didn't hear me coming in.
I find her with a blanket wrapped around her, sitting on the sofa. She has pulled up her legs and is hugging them – facing the wall. Maybe she's sleeping.
"Hey Abby," I say and sit down next to her but she doesn't turn around. I hope she's not still mad at me for leaving the way I did.
"Hey, look what I brought for the baby," I tell her and place the bear on her knee while I put my arm around her shoulder.
She turns around a little and I can see her teary eyes through her hair that has fallen across her face. Why is she crying? She can't have missed me that much.
"There is no baby," she tells me, her voice raspy and shaking from crying.
I feel a lump building in my throat and I have to swallow hard as I forget about the bear and let it tumble down her legs until it hits the floor.
"Abby, what do you mean?" I ask her worriedly, trying to make her turn around and tell me what on earth happened.
"I miscarried," she sobs. "I'm so sorry John."
"Shhh," I say and wrap my arms around her as she begins to cry. "What exactly happened?"
I feel her shrug her shoulders. "I was on the toilet and there was blood ... it's all my fault, I'm so sorry," she sobs into my chest.
If she wasn't so upset I'd think she did something stupid. But even though she was scared of having children, I know she loved this child.
"It's not your fault," I try to comfort her and rub her back. "You didn't do anything wrong."
I feel her shake her head. "But I didn't want kids. That's what I get now," she tells me before she can't speak anymore.
"Hey, it's not anyone's fault. We both loved the baby."
She's silent but continues to cry and I feel tears in my eyes, too as I hold her even more tight.
It must have been horrible for her to be alone after it happened. It's hard to deal with it together. But it must be even harder to deal with it alone.
"I'm sorry that I wasn't here. Why didn't you call me?"
"It only just happened a few hours ago ... I … ," she chokes out but then her emotions make it too hard for her to say more.
"What did the doctor say?" I ask her when I feel her calm down a little.
I don't even know why I ask her. It doesn't matter really. But I have to know.
"I didn't see a doctor," she whispers. "I knew what was going on when I saw the blood. I knew it couldn't end well. I don't deserve to be a mother."
I feel like a jerk – but I have to admit that I'm not really listening to her. That she didn't even see a doctor gives me hope – I don't know why. She was an OB nurse and is a Paediatrician now – she should know what she's talking about. But I can't help but hope.
And when my eyes catch the teddy bear lying on the floor I remember what the old lady told me when I was in the shop earlier.
"She began with it on the day she found out she was pregnant. We were all so happy. But the pregnancy was complicated and at one point it seemed like she lost the baby. But both my daughter and my grandchild were fighters. She finished the teddy bear the day the doctor told her that the baby would make it. And six months later she gave birth to a healthy boy."
"Come on Abby," I tell her as I try to pull her up from the sofa. "We have to go to the hospital now," I add as I grab the bear from the floor and head out with her to the car.
xXxXx
"G – R – E – A – T E – X – P – E – C – T – A – T – I – O – N – S," she says slowly as we stand in front of the shop and she tries to read the name on the plate hanging above the door. She's too young to be able to read it yet and to know what it means. But she knows the letters and is proud of it – and so am I.
I can hardly believe that the events almost 5 years ago really took place. It seems so unreal – but I couldn't be happier about the outcome of everything.
oOoOo
I'm sitting on the edge of Abby's hospital bed, holding her hand in mine tightly.
The doctor is about to tell us the news we've been waiting for for hours and I can hardly take it to wait any longer to find out what's going on.
"It didn't look good, Dr and Mrs Carter. There was some bleeding and you were about to miscarry. An hour later and it would have been to late."
Abby and I sigh deeply as tears gather in our eyes. I can't believe how lucky we apparently were. We almost lost the baby a few hours ago.
"But luckily you were here in time to save mother and child. You should take it easy for the rest of the pregnancy but we removed the cyst and now everything should be fine," the doctor tells us, and smiles at us before she leaves.
Abby and I look at each other and smile through our tears before she turns her head and looks at the bear on the nightstand.
"I feel like making one now, too," she chuckles slightly.
oOoOo
"What does that mean, daddy?" she asks me with a grin and brings me out of my thoughts, her big brown eyes staring at me. She always wants to know everything.
"It means Great Expectations," I tell her. "You know, when a mommy has a baby in her belly you say she's expecting."
"Oh! Like mommy now with my new brother or sister?" she squeals.
I smile at her. "Yep, like mommy now. And you can buy stuff for babies here."
Her grin gets wider. "Are we buying toys for the new baby, daddy?"
I smile at her. "No, we're visiting an old friend. We wanted to give her something, remember?"
She thinks for a moment but then she holds up the brown paper bag she's holding in her hand. "We'll give her this," she says happily.
"That's right," I say to her.
"Daddy?"
"Yeah?" I wonder what she wants to know now. She already knows the story of the teddy bear – at least more or less.
"Can we go in now? It's sooooo cold," she says and shudders on purpose to emphasize her words.
"We can, baby," I say as I reach out my hand for her to take it.
She giggles at the sound the bell still hanging above the door makes. I wonder if the old lady still works here like that bell is still here.
The shop is empty so I spot her easily between the strollers while she's carefully arranging them. Our eyes meet as she turns around and sees us while we walk towards her.
I'm not sure if she knows who I am. We haven't been here since the night she gave me the bear.
"Excuse me," I say carefully. "I don't know if you remember me ... I'm the one who ... "
"Got my bear, I know," she interrupts me and smiles at me warmly. I'm amazed that she really remembers who I am.
"And you little lady must be the reason why your daddy came here almost five years ago?"
"Yeah, this is Alicia," I say and stroke my little girl's head while she's hiding shyly behind my legs.
The lady smiles at me knowingly as she hears her name.
oOoOo
"Oh, and the bear is a girl," she calls after me as I'm just about to leave the shop. "Her name is Alicia. That's the name my daughter wanted to give her baby. But it was a boy in the end and she decided that he wouldn't be happy with that name," she chuckles slightly.
I nod and just smile at her as I finally leave the shop.
oOoOo
"So you kept your promise and came back," she says to me.
I just nod.
"We're here to give you this," Alicia suddenly announces and holds out the paper bag she has in her hand – not shy at all anymore.
"Oh, what's this, dear?" she asks and bends down to take the bag from Alicia.
"Open it!" she exclaims and jumps in excitement before I pick her up.
We both have to smile at her enthusiasm as she opens the bag and gets out a little teddy bear. It's quite ugly – the nose is a little further on the right than it should be – but the meaning of the bear is more important than what it looks like.
"It's not your bear because yours is mine now," Alicia explains. "But my mommy made this one a looooong time ago when she was with the doctors and they told her and my daddy that I'm okay after they thought something was wrong with me. And I finished it with her," she adds proudly. "And daddy said you'd like to have this one because you gave him yours for me a long time ago."
I don't have to explain any more as she nods like she knows what happened back then and why I thought she should have that bear.
Alicia and I follow her as she goes to the back of the shop to the shelf the little bear Alicia was sitting on all these years ago. The spot is still empty and we watch her as she sits the new bear onto the shelf.
"What's the name of the bear, Alicia?" she lady asks her.
"He's a boy and his name is Cléo. That's the name I want for the new baby if it's a boy. Mommy and daddy say it's more a girl's name. But they'll think about it," she answers and smiles brightly as we're all standing in front of the shelf and look at the bear.
I hope that however gets the bear Cléo will be as lucky as we were when we got the original bear Alicia.