Note from Nikki
I think everyone knows about my dad here and so I won't talk about it because it's hard for me to do that. I had this chapter written before the accident and so it's easy for me to update. I doubt I'll be able to update this weekend, though I won't say for sure. I'm behind in school and that's my main priority (after my dad) and so. . .if I have time I'll write because it's a comfort for me. But it's questionable now.
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Dorcas woke later that day, confused about why her heart felt so heavy. About why her eyes were so itchy and why every bone in her body was aching. She struggled to remember what had happened to make her feel this way. She fought with herself until she found images burned into her heart.
She sat up with a start, shaking, her heart feeling as if it would collapse. She was suddenly swarmed with memories that clouded her and nearly blinded her with their intensity. Gideon was dead. Gideon was dead.
She screamed, covering her mouth and dashed as quickly as she could to the bathroom where she lost her wedding dinner. She fell to the floor, shaking and sobbing, clutching her stomach and rocking back and forth.
"Dorcas!" Sirius cried. He ran into the bathroom and helped her up, half carrying her back to the bed. "I'm sorry, I went to Lily and James' really fast."
Dorcas didn't reply, only sobbed. What could she say? What could she do? She had never felt so dead before. Life wasn't worth living if someone could just die like that, die so quickly. Why was she alive? What purpose did life have? She stopped crying abruptly, finding that she didn't have any tears left. She was drained, as if any life and every emotion had left her body and she was nothing but an empty shell.
"Are you okay?" Sirius asked quietly, rubbing her back.
Dorcas swallowed, intending to say something. Intending to tell him that she was fine. She was always fine. But when she opened her mouth a wail escaped from her lips and her body shuddered. It was almost as if she wanted to cry but she didn't have the means to do so.
"Shh. . ." Sirius said, he wrapped his arms around her but Dorcas pulled away.
"Where's my wand?" she asked. Her voice was thin and scratchy, hoarse from all the screaming.
"Why?" Sirius replied frowning.
"Where is it?"
"Dorcas I know you're depressed but now is not a good time to kill yourself," Sirius replied angrily.
Dorcas glared at him. "How do you know I was going to do that?"
"I can see it in your eyes," Sirius replied sadly, stroking her cheek.
Dorcas quivered but didn't reply. She didn't know what to do. She had never felt a loss like this before. She had never loved someone so much and then been forced to watch them be murdered. "Where is he Sirius?" Dorcas sobbed, her eyes finding the tears again. They slid slowly down her pale cheek and fell into her mouth.
"He's at St. Mungo's. They're preparing him for- for-" Sirius couldn't bare to finish the rest of that sentence so his voice trailed off into silence.
Dorcas turned the other way, suddenly feeling overcome with a deep anger. It was Sirius' fault that this all happened. He hated Gideon. Sirius was the spy. "It's you," she whispered.
"What?" Sirius asked, confused.
"You're the spy. You hated Gideon! You hated him and you wanted him dead."
"Dorcas don't say this," Sirius said, deeply hurt. His eyes were filled with pain and he stopped stroking her cheek to grab onto her hand. "I would never do this."
"Yes you would!" Dorcas replied in a high pitched voice. She leaped off her bed and snatched her hand from his. "You're the spy! You did this to hurt me! You did this because you hate him even if I love him with all my heart!"
Sirius' eyes were filling with tears, a sight Dorcas had never seen. But she didn't care. All she could feel was a burning hatred toward Sirius. It was all his fault, it had to be.
"Dorcas, listen to yourself! I hate Death Eater's! I hate them as much as anyone does, why would I betray the Order?"
"Because you hate Gideon!"
"I never hated him Dorcas," Sirius said sadly, a single tear sliding down his cheek. "I never hated him."
"You left from the wedding early! You had to go make your plans!"
"WOULD YOU LISTEN TO YOURSELF?" Sirius bellowed, wanting to shake her. "You know that I love you Dorcas! Why would I want to cause you pain like this?"
Dorcas paused, suddenly realizing what she was saying. Sirius would never do this to her. No one would want to do this to her. Blaming Sirius was not going to make everything okay. "I'm sorry," Dorcas whispered, covering her face.
She thought Sirius would be mad at her now, would hate her for daring to accuse him. But instead he pulled her into his chest, "It's not your fault."
"He's really gone," Dorcas sobbed, wrapping her arms around Sirius, finding comfort in his strong form.
"Maybe physically," Sirius agreed sadly. "But not in your heart. He'll never leave that."
"I feel so dead," Dorcas whispered. "I don't want to live anymore, Sirius. What purpose does life really have? Why do we live only to die? Is any of it worth it?"
Sirius kissed the top of her head thoughtfully. "It's all worth it. Life's purpose is whatever you want to make it. So many people would have been cruelly killed if not for your help in the Order. So many people owe their loves, hopes, and dreams to you because you let them live."
"I couldn't save Gideon," Dorcas choked.
"You can't save everyone," Sirius replied. "But you can remember them forever."
Dorcas didn't reply, thinking about what he said but finding that she couldn't believe any of it. What did Sirius know? He couldn't possibly feel the amount of pain that Dorcas felt. The amount of despair and hopelessness.
"I know you don't want to go anywhere," Sirius said suddenly. "But we need to go to the Order meeting. I really think you should be there."
Dorcas shook her head. "I can't."
"Yes you can," Sirius said. "Gideon would have wanted you to be there."
"There wouldn't be one if he hadn't been. . .been killed."
"Please come Dorcas," Sirius whispered.
Dorcas looked into his pleading eyes and knew that she would go. Maybe leaving her house and seeing other people would help her heal. She found that she didn't want to heal. She didn't want to get rid of the pain that she felt because it felt real, it was tangible. Gideon's death was a haze, a distant dream that she had watched from another person's point of view. She needed to be thrown into reality again.
Dorcas stood up and stripped off her Death Eater robes, not caring that Sirius sat in front of her. She changed into robes that were on the floor and waited while he stood up. He smiled thinly at her and took her hand in his, pulling her out the front door.
Dorcas was blinded in the bright sunlight, feeling that it was wrong somehow. How could the world be so light and yet her heart be so filled with darkness?
Sirius led her to Phoenix Headquarters and inside to the conference room where the entire Order were talking anxiously. They all hushed as Dorcas entered the room and she looked down at her feet, taking a seat next to Lily who grabbed her hand and squeezed it tightly. When she looked up she could see that Lily was crying.
"Everyone present knows of the tragedy that occurred last night," Dumbledore said quietly. Dorcas searched for his face and saw his eyes, no longer twinkling, as they gazed on the empty Dorcas. "It looks as if our spy has struck again."
Dorcas breathed deeply, struggling to keep herself calm. She searched the eyes of the members, trying to see if she could see who it was. She couldn't tell, she couldn't see. How could she?
"The time has come for us to make a decision," Dumbledore began. "It is obvious that there is a spy in this very room with us and yet we cannot determine who."
Silence filled the Order as they gazed at one another uncomfortably. What would they do if the spy suddenly developed a grudge for them? What would they do if he turned them in to the dark Lord?
"Shall we continue with our Order or shall we stop before any more innocents are killed?" Dumbledore asked. It was obvious to all that he didn't want to give up, but he wouldn't say so.
"I say we keep it," James whispered.
No one said anything at first but slowly nods and cries of assent filled the room until everyone present was cheering for the Order.
"We won't let Him bring us down!" Caradoc Dearborn shouted.
Cheers erupted and Dumbledore smiled. "Then the Order will continue and we will not give up until Lord Voldemort is killed!"
After everyone had quieted down, Dumbledore turned to the group. "We will work even with a spy in our room."
Dorcas couldn't take it anymore. She stood up and everyone fell silent, looking at her. "Whoever the spy is," Dorcas said in a deadly voice. "Why don't you turn me in? Why don't you tell Voldemort all about me! Are you playing with my heart? Playing with my mind?"
No one said anything, sensing the despair in her voice. "Do it! I'm not afraid anymore! Tell him that I've betrayed him! TELL HIM!"
"Dorcas come on," Remus whispered, grabbing onto her arm. Dorcas shook him off angrily.
"I will find out who you are if it's the last thing I do!" she shouted. Remus grabbed onto her arm again and began leading her away from the table. "I will kill you! I KNOW HOW! Don't think for a second that I don't!"
Remus escorted her outside Headquarters where he finally let her go. "James, Lily, and Sirius need to speak to Dumbledore about something. How about we wait for them in your house?"
Dorcas nodded mutely and allowed herself to be led to her house where she sat on her couch. Remus made her some tea and sat across from her, watching her silently. Dorcas was about to say something when the door opened and Lily, James, Sirius, Alice, Peter and Frank dashed in. They all ran over to her, with the exception of Sirius and Peter, and hugged her tightly, offering their condolences.
"Where were you last night?" Sirius asked Remus suddenly.
"It was the full moon," Remus replied uncertainly.
"Was it?" Sirius asked, obviously not convinced. "You left early."
"What are you saying?"
"I'm saying that you could be the spy. I haven't seen much of you lately."
"You left early too," Remus retorted, "how do we know it isn't you?"
Peter laughed. "Don't argue boys, I'm sure it's neither of you."
"Whoever it is, the spy is playing games. It would be so easy to turn us all in but whoever it is isn't doing that," Alice said softly.
No one said anything until Peter nearly whispered, "Maybe he's just waiting for the perfect moment. The moment when he could gain victory for his Master and earn rank and power."
If Dorcas had been paying attention, she would have seen the dark gleam in Peter Pettigrew's eyes.
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A/n: Sorry if things don't make sense. I can't concentrate on much and usually I edit things pretty good. I can't do it tonight, so I'm sorry if I made a ton of mistakes or your just left sitting here with 'huh'?