Throwing Caution to the Wind
Date begun: 11th June 2004 Date finished: 15th June 2004 Disclaimer: the usual Dedication: For Em who will read anything I send to her and always tells me what she honestly thinks!
Hiding feelings, I am so good at that. I've been doing it for so long now, I've turned into a pro. It was the only way I could make things right, or at least seem like they were right. I had to hide what I was really feeling. If I didn't things would never run smoothly. But it was funny, in the back of my mind I wished that life wouldn't go smoothly for a while and then it would be exciting and I'd feel energized at the beginning of each day.
I always opted for the safe, sensible way out though. That was how I'd always lived my life, but no one really ever knew how I was feeling. I hid it so well. Evan came close, really close, so much so that it was scary, because he knew me better than I thought he did, but still, even Evan didn't know all of what I'd ever felt.
I'd put on a brave face that day, when I said goodbye to Mt Thomas, I didn't want to cause anymore hassle for everyone. They cared about me so much, and I was so touched, and I just couldn't blurt out that I still couldn't stand my mother and the last thing I wanted to do was go and live in Melbourne with her and the Carmichaels two clicks away. But like most times in my life, I convinced myself I didn't have a choice. I convinced myself so well, that I pretty much fooled myself completely and it wasn't until after Lily was born and we had finally settled into our own place, away from the Carmichaels and my mother, that I began to rethink my life, and how, if I was honest with myself, being in Melbourne wasn't what I wanted. And I definitely didn't want to bring up a child in the rat race of a fast paced city. My very first day in Mt Thomas I'd fallen in love with the little country town and often I've dreamed of living in a cozy little house with a great husband and being able to hear the pitter patter of little feet. I would never let myself imagine that that 'great husband' was Evan, but now, now that I'd had time to really think about it, I at last realized that it was Evan that I wanted to share that cozy little Mt Thomas cottage with and bring up children with.
I knew Lily wasn't Evan's, how I wish she was, and even though I have made up with Josh of sorts – at least I don't yell down the phone to him anymore – I am happy without him in my life. He gave me the impression he wasn't interested a whole lot in Lily either. I was crushed, she is our daughter, a little human being we'd created together, but it seemed like when it got to the crunch time – if I was precise, the minute I went through all that pain they call giving birth – Josh lost interest. He never could deal with things the way he really should have. That stupid relationship with his school friend was a prime example, and I'll never stop hating him for how he made me feel that day and how he lied to me, but I just couldn't understand how he practically turned his back on his very own daughter.
And she is so beautiful too. She is just over a month old now, and I still watch her sleep, because she looks like a blessing from heaven, the picture of beauty, and I feel so lucky to have her. She has my fair hair and porcelain skin, and is such a good baby. When I stare at her as she sleeps though, I secretly wish that I had someone standing by my shoulder, someone who will take care of me the way I take care of Lily, and time after time I find myself wishing that person could be Evan.
I lay in my own bed at night, always one ear trained to listen out for the cries of my daughter in case she needs me, but the rest of me hears the lonely sounds of the night, the type of sounds one notices when they're alone. The bed is so empty, and I ache to have someone lying next to me, but it will never be Josh, whether he is the father of my child or not. It is true, I have Lily now, but I still wish for someone else, and having Lily has made me realize that you need to hold onto the things that matter.
I am at loggerheads as to what to do with my life. Lily is asleep peacefully in my arms, and it is only late afternoon, and so not yet time to retire to bed and get lost again in my daydreams. And suddenly Lily stirs, and her beautiful piercing blue eyes flicker open. As I stare into them, a smile spreads across her face as she stares right back at me. As I rock her back to sleep, I finally reach a decision.
I am still myself, I can never change that. Mum and I just don't get along, despite her efforts, and even the efforts I've made. Seeing the Carmichaels just makes me think of Josh, and at night I can't get the image of Evan out of my head, and as I walk into Lily's nursery, and bend over to lay her down, a warm feeling envelopes me. I know what I am going to do and it fills me with excitement. It's time to go back to Mt Thomas for a visit.
I feel so excited that I start packing immediately after laying Lily down. I probably can't go tonight, that's a bit rushed, I'm still level headed Tess, the organised one, but there's no reason why I can't go tomorrow morning. I pack enough clothes for three days and tip toe into Lily's room to pack some essentials into a bag for her. The adrenalin pumping through my veins is so fast it's almost scary, and I realize I cannot wait to be back in Mt Thomas and see Evan again.
Later, I lay in bed, my room dark and the rain belting against my bedroom window. My thoughts again drift to Evan as I get comfortable in bed. Tears come to my eyes as it suddenly dawns on me just how much Evan cares about me. Why hadn't I ever realized it before? It was so obvious and I'd just chosen to ignore it. He proposed to me for goodness sake, and if that's not caring about someone then I don't know what is.
I lay in the dark trying to figure out why I had not let him into my life all the time I was stationed in Mt Thomas. No one had ever cared about me that way before. Maybe that was why. I never had anyone in my life who loved me so much. My mother was useless and Bridie was just someone who needed me to get her out of trouble all the time. But Evan, Evan really loved me. Why hadn't I let him into my life?
Lily is almost awake and there are still so many things I need to get ready. There's enough fuel in the car, but I need more baby wipes, not to mention those cloth nappies I have to take out of the dryer. Halfway to the laundry I halt hearing my little girl wail. I run to her, as I always do, to take her in my arms, assure her I'm here, which is probably something my mother should've done with me because I never felt like she was there for me.
I wipe away her tears gently as I hold her in my arms. She is so little, being quite early, and I remember with a smile how Evan was so worried. He was the first person I called, I don't know why, but he was, and I told him I'd had a little girl. He was terrified at how early Lily had arrived, and was steaming mad he couldn't get time off work to come to Melbourne to see us. His care came down the phone line and I cried silently as we talked. He still hasn't seen Lily, and I know our trip will delight him.
Soon Lily and I are ready to go and I reverse out of the driveway, and as I head towards Mt Thomas I feel like I'm going in the right direction, I feel like I'm going home. Mt Thomas really must be where I belong.
The trip is long, and halfway there I realize that it was probably not the best thing to do with a new born, but my desire to see Evan is so strong. I need to see him again, and this time I am going to make things right.
By lunchtime we are driving towards the Imperial. I park, delicately lift Lily out of the car seat and take a deep breath. Walking into the pub, I see a new barman, and head his way to ask where Chris is.
"In the office," he replies, looking at me critically. "She said no matter what she didn't want to be disturbed."
"She'll want to see me," I tell him, as Lily stirs in my arms. "Tell her I'm in the parlour," and I turn around and head in that direction. Making myself comfortable on the old, overstuffed leather chairs, I wait nervously for Chris. I haven't seen her, or anyone from the station in five months, and I try to stop myself from shaking.
"...Look, I'm sorry the parlour's been booked for..." Chris strode in. Her jaw dropped and she put her hand up to the door frame to steady herself. "Tess?"
"How are you Chris?" I ask. Standing up, I put Lily in her capsule, and walk over to Chris where we share a hug.
"How are you?" she squeals. "I didn't know you were coming! What's the occasion...Oh my gosh, is that her?" she cries looking past me towards Lily. She kneels down and strokes my daughters little hand. I knelt down beside her and watch Chris have her moment.
"I've been thinking a lot since Lily was born and I felt like I needed to come back here for a bit of a visit, begin a afresh and sort some things out that I should've along time ago," I come back up to a standing position and Chris joins me. "The first person I need to see is Evan, he's not by any chance on his lunch break and up in his room is he?" I prayed he would be.
"It's your lucky day Tess, he is here," she smiled and hugged me again. "I'm so happy to see you. Evan will be too you know."
"I know," I whisper, and pick up Lily's capsule. I head out of the parlour and up the staircase towards Evans room. I know which one it is and the door is closed. I approach it nervously and to gather strength as I go to knock it, I look down at Lily, sleeping peacefully. She gives me the strength I need, and I knock softly on Evans door. He takes a long time to answer and I become scared, almost ready to run back down the staircase. Finally, he opens the door and I can do nothing but smile. God, I must look so stupid! Grinning like an idiot. A smile spreads across his face too though and I start to relax.
"Tess," he breathes. "I was just thinking about how much I miss you," he hugs me hard and I at last get that warm, safe, secure feeling back again. We look into each others eyes and now I really feel like I am home. I have to keep myself from overreacting though and taking things too fast. That could be a mistake.
I have trouble finding the right words to say to Evan. Tears come to my eyes, and I don't want him to see them, but I can't tear my eyes away from his. Finally, I get some words out.
"I came back to see you Evan. This feels really weird saying this, but I've missed you too," he smiles at me. "And I know you wanted to see Lily," I finally tear my eyes away from him and pick up the capsule. He ushers me in, his eyes glued to my daughter. We sit on the couch he has managed to squeeze into his little pub room, and I lift Lily out, Evan watching my every move.
"Can I...?" he whispers, afraid all of a sudden. I pass her over to him and he takes her in his arms as if she were his own. As I stare at the picture before me, I can't help but realize this picture is my dream. The dream of having someone by my side to care about me and love me. Evan has always loved me, and told me he will always love me, many times, but I was so stupid to not return the affection.
"I don't know what to say Tess," he whispers, still staring down at her. "She's as beautiful as you," he finally looks up into my eyes and I can feel my cheeks grow hot. But I smile, and before I know it the flush in my cheeks has gone down and I stroke Lily's hand, brushing Evan's strong arm that cradles Lily at the same time.
Later, Evan and I head down stairs and have dinner in the dining room, where we continue to catch up. It's strange how I don't find him so annoying anymore, even though he's still exactly the same person he was before I left. Still proclaiming his love for me, still jealous of the other people I've been out with, still wanting to protect me. Maybe now I need him, whereas six months ago I felt like I didn't.
"So Tess," he begins. "How long are you here for?" he looks hopefully into my eyes, and the look makes me want to stay indefinitely.
"A couple of days," I reply. "Would it be ok if we stayed with you? Because..." I'm too shy to tell him the truth. He reaches across the table and takes hold of my hand.
"...because I came back to see you. I've changed Evan, I feel a lot different now, and you're the person I want to be with," my voice barely a whisper.
A smile spreads across Evan's face and he holds my hand tighter. "Of course you can stay with me, we'll squeeze into the little pub room."
We finish our dinner not long after and I get up to take Lily to the parlour to feed her in private, but to my surprise Evan follows me, obviously not realizing what I'm going to do. I smile and shake my head, and soon Lily is getting a full belly as the three of us sit comfortably in the parlour.
Lily now almost asleep in my arms, Evan springs the most dreaded question on me. "So how do you like Melbourne? Must be great huh? A lot more awake than sleepy old Mt Thomas," he smiles his gorgeous smile.
"Ahhh yeah, it's fine," I mutter, suddenly not wanting to tell Evan the truth, even though that is what I came up here for. Evan looks at me curiously, and I look away, out the window at the pouring rain.
"Is everything ok Tess?" he asks, worried. I take a deep breath and put Lily again back into her capsule.
"I don't like it in Melbourne Evan, I really don't."
"But you said that it was the best place for you," he's confused, understandably. "Your Mum there to help you, and you live right near the Carmichaels, and," he laughs, "you're away from irritating ol' me."
"But those are all the problems!" a tear slips down my cheek and I wipe it away quickly with the back of my hand, hoping Evan doesn't see.
But he does. He comes over to sit next to me and again takes my hand. "They're problems?" he lifts my chin with his finger.
"I know I said I wanted to live near the Carmichaels, and for a while I guess it was handy, but it was just while I was pregnant, I don't need them anymore, and as nice as they are, they still remind me of Josh, and I don't want to be reminded of him everytime I turn my head."
"And your Mum?"
"She's still the same Evan. We will never get along. She hasn't changed. I know she told you she would, but she hasn't. She's a useless grandmother, and that's probably why Bridie's kids are the way they are. It's just the way things are, and I prefer to bring up Lily my way without having to argue with someone about it, which is all I did when Mum was around," I look at him sadly, sighing.
"I had no idea Tess," Evan whispers. "I'm so sorry. If I had known I would've come to Melbourne and helped you figure it out. But you've still got Josh right?" I shake my head sadly.
"He was never one to commit, he makes rash decisions everyday and they're often bad decisions. Us getting married was just one of those rash decisions, and I heard that he and that guy aren't even together anymore either. He doesn't play a role in Lily's life," I look over at my daughter and for a minute see some of her father in her.
"Oh Tess," Evan held both my hands. With his touch I crumple, losing my cool composure I'm so famous for. He hugs me tight and lets me have my cry. We head up to his room and Evan begins setting up a fold out bed from Chris's storage cupboard.
"Who is that for?" I ask.
"Me of course," he replies. "You can have the bed, it doesn't hurt me to sleep down here."
I don't know what to say. He is the kindest being on the planet, why is he so good to me? What did I do to deserve someone like this? "Evan, don't be silly, we'll share, I'm ok with it." I open the covers of the double bed and gesture to it. "You shouldn't be sleeping on the floor, this is your room." Secretly I wish he would accept so that I don't spend yet another night alone in a bed.
"No no Tess," he says. "I'm fine really. I know you'd feel uncomfortable if I was right next to you," he settles into the fold out bed and closes his eyes, getting comfortable and wriggling around.
I sigh. "Just the opposite actually," I whisper, giving in and slipping under the covers.
"What?" he asks as I turn out the light.
"Nothing."
An hour later I am still wide awake, and it's not even because of Lily – she is sleeping soundly. The bed is too big, too empty. I crawl out and kneel by Evan's side. Before I can say anything, he rolls over and jumps at the sight of me.
"Tess!" he whispers in the darkness. "What's the matter?"
"I wouldn't feel uncomfortable if we shared the bed," I whisper.
"Really?" he smiles and strokes my cheek.
"Please Evan, I've spent the last couple of months with no one in bed next to me," I get up and sit back on the bed watching him get up out of the fold out bed and he comes over and sits next to me on the bed. It dips from his weight combined with mine and he holds my hand.
"Everybody gets lonely," he whispers with a smile, mimicking the line I'd said harshly to his face near Christmas 2002, right before our locker room escapade. "You just need the cricket on the telly and pizza from Luigi's," he put his arm around my shoulder and squeezed me tight.
"Very funny Constable Jones," I laugh. He gets up and walks around to the other side of the bed and hops in.
"I can't have you in the way I want can I Tess?" he asks as we settle into the warmth of the bed. "At least not right now can I?"
"Believe me, I'm tempted Evan," I smile at him. "But I just want someone next to me right now," and with that I feel content, with Evan's warm body next to me. We lay silently for a while before Evan spoke again.
"Remember Tess, my offer is still standing," he knows I know what he means.
"That's sort of why I came back Evan," I whisper, and his arm comes to my waist, and we lie comfortably together and sleep soundlessly.
The next day I woke up in an empty bed. Sadly I rolled over and felt where Evan had been lying, it was still warm and I breathed in his scent. I rolled back towards the edge of the bed and saw a note on the bedside table. Sitting up, I picked it up and read it with sleepy eyes.
'Dear Tess, Sorry, had the early shift. Didn't want to wake you or disturb Lily. If you want to come into the station, that'll be great or else I guess we'll catch up during the day sometime. I really look forward to it. Evan'
I'm really looking forward to it too. Ever since arriving back in Mt Thomas all I've wanted was to be with Evan and I can't wait till his lunch break to see him again. I pick up Lily and soon we head downstairs for breakfast, then walk into the sunshine towards the station. Lily thrives in the sun, she's loved it since she went on her first walk, something I made a habit of doing everyday with her. The rain has cleared once and for all, and the sun warms my shoulders.
The station looks exactly the same, but I know there is at least one new person inside whom I've never met. As I walk up to the verandah I can so easily see myself heading in the door in uniform ready for another day. I could slip back into this community like that.
I push upon the screen door and walk up to the counter. A blonde constable smiles at me, her name tag reads 'Susie Raynor'. I smile back and hoist Lily's baby capsule onto the counter.
"Tess," Susie says. "Great to finally meet you. Jonesy showed me a photo, so I know who he's always talking about," she smiles kindly again.
"Oh," I'm a little surprised. Evan talks about me constantly? Of course he does. Again I mentally slap myself for never realising his love for me before. "Well, he mentioned your name to me too, and it's great to meet you." I hold out my hand politely and she shakes it with warmth.
"I'll just get Evan for you," she turns towards the locker room. "Come through. No one else is here at the moment, but PJ and the Boss should be back soon."
"Great," I say, picking up Lily again and following Susie. There's my desk, and my chair. They even still use the readout folder I notice with a smile. One of my traditions that stuck. I walk into the locker room as Susie holds the door open for me and there he is. His shirt off, just like that day of our escapade. A happy little vegemite – that's what I called him. I laugh to myself.
"Tess," Evan grabs me and hugs me hard. I guess he misses me as much as I miss him. It feels good to be back in his arms even though we just spent the night in the same bed, although not doing anything 'naughty', and he had his arms around me then. Wow, I'm really turning into a mush, I can't still have these hormones raging inside of me, the pregnancy's over now!
"Did you meet Susie?" Evan asks.
"Yeah, she's nice," I reply with a smile. "She said you talk about me all the time." Evan blushes. "Do you really?"
"Yeah, I mean, I guess so."
"That's so sweet, I don't know how you put up with me," and on impulse, I lean over and kiss him firmly on the lips. "I don't deserve you."
"Don't say that Tess," he whispers. "You deserve the world," he hugs me to him once again, and we stand in the middle of the locker room like that for a long time. When we at last let go, I hear the sounds of voices in the hallway, coming from the back of the station. It's Jo, and...PJ...and the Boss as well. Evan and I leave the locker room and join the rest of the station.
Jo is the first to notice, of course. "Tess!" she jumps up and almost smothers me in a hug. "What are you doing here?"
"I just came for a visit, wanted to see everyone," I answer. "And I wanted you guys to meet Lily," I leant over to Jo's ear. "Lily Joanna Gallagher," I beam at her, I know it is a surprise for her, Evan didn't tell her I gave Lily that middle name.
"Lily Joanna..." Jo whispers. "Oh Tess..." she has tears in her eyes and I rub her arm with a smile. She leans down to get her first glimpse of my daughter, and so does everyone else, including Ben who has just walked in, and they each give me a peck on the cheek to welcome me back, even the big bad Boss.
"She's beautiful Tess," PJ smiles. The seven of us settle down, grabbing chairs and desks to sit on, and fritter away the next half hour catching up. To my relief no one mentions Josh, or my mother, they are all just genuinely pleased to see me, even Susie, which is a fantastic feeling.
I end up staying at the station till mid afternoon, just waiting for Evan to finish his shift, and while I wait, sit and chat in the Boss's office. He seems smitten with Lily, walking around with her in his arms, muttering in baby talk about sergeants and the 'big blokes' sending him a new one. I smile at the thought of an honourary grandfather on my hands.
Finally, Evan arrives back from a job and wastes no time in grabbing his jacket and assorted other possessions and heading home, gesturing me out of the Boss's office. I say goodbye to everyone and follow Evan out the front door of the station, before hopping into his car to head back to the Imperial. But Evan goes a different route.
"Where are we going?" I ask as Evan drives past the pub and into the centre of town.
"The park, I thought it might be nice if we could have a chat," he answers as he parks the car, and hops out. He grabs Lily from the backseat and takes my hand and leads me towards a grassy area flooded with sunshine where there is a bench. I don't know what to say, and so wait for him to speak. I don't have to wait long.
"Tess," he begins. "You know what I said last night, about my offer. Well, I meant it," he looks deep into my eyes, but suddenly I get scared. I can feel my old ways creeping back into me, and they're so strong I can't fight them off, or convince myself what's going on in my head is right. I can't speak.
"Tess, I want you to stay here. Stay here with me, you and Lily."
"Ahhhh..." I stammer, the fear pumping through me. I tighten my grip on Lily's capsule. My mind is racing. I can't do it, I can't. I need to be safe, Evan isn't safe, sure he's the 'fire' but he's not safe. PJ always said safe is probably best. I stand up in a hurry.
"Ummm, I'm sorry Evan, but I need to be back in Melbourne, got plans you know what I mean?" I am speaking like a crazy woman. "Sorry to cut this visit short, but I really have to go," I start walking back towards the car, then change my mind and just walk quickly towards the Imperial instead. I can hear Evan running after me, and finally, as I reach the Imperial entrance he reaches me and puts his hand on my shoulder.
"Tess! Wait, hold on, what are you doing?" he asks breathlessly. "What's the matter?" I turn to him with tears in my eyes.
"I don't deserve you Evan, I just can't do it," I sob. "Safe is best, safe is always best, and Lily and I have that safety back in our little house in Melbourne, where it's just the two of us."
"What?" he grabs my shoulders. "But what about your empty bed? I thought you came back here so we could start again, or, rather, just start, because we never really got anywhere when you were stationed here did we?" he smiled.
"I'm sorry Evan, I don't deserve you. It just isn't meant to be," and with that I run into the pub with Lily's capsule now clutched to my chest so as not to jolt her around as I pound up the stairs. Evan is still at my heels and I stand there not looking at him, waiting for him to open the door.
He looks at me, then at the door and back at me again. He opens it and watches as I throw the few belongings I bought back into my bag, and gather anything of Lily's that is lying around. I head out the door, not able to look at Evan's devastated face. The only way I feel safe is if I'm back where I know I am safe, and that's in Melbourne with Lily.
Two hours later we're home again, and I settle Lily back into her cot, after being in a baby capsule for more than a day. As I turn towards Lily's bedroom door to leave the room, I look out the window and onto the street. A little part of me wishes Evan would come, come after me. But he's not there.
Late that night I sit on the couch, my hands wrapped around a cup of coffee, and give myself a chance to think about things. Going back to Mt Thomas was a mistake. This is where I belong now, and I have a child to think about, I can't go following my heart everywhere. I've got to be responsible. Safe.
There's a knock at the door. I already know that it's Evan, and he lets himself in, looking weary from the long trip. He sits down silently beside me. We sit like this for 15 straight minutes, I am watching the clock, and with every second that ticks by I can't think of a thing to say and so we sit there silently.
Evan breaks the ice. "I believe it is meant to be Tess," he says. "Your bed has been empty for months. So has mine. I need someone there too, so I'm not alone at night. And I can't imagine anyone else there but you."
My emotions are running away with me. Now that I am back in Melbourne I want to be in Mt Thomas. I want to say sorry to Evan, but I can't. He's still sitting here, next to me, telling me he loves me, but I can't even speak. The tears roll down my face and he shuffles over and takes my hand. I love how he always reaches for my hand, it makes me feel as loved as his kisses do, or his hugs. But something has come over me, I want to be with Evan, but some part of me is telling me no.
We've been sitting here for hours now, he won't leave and he's still holding my hand. Suddenly Lily cries out and I jump up from the couch and head to her room. I reach her door and before I enter I turn around and look sadly at Evan, still sitting on the couch. My composure truly collapses as I stand there, and I cry, leaning against the doorframe and seeing the look of absolute devastation and rejection in his eyes. Tears are falling down my face at an alarming speed.
"I'm sorry Evan," I whisper. I know he can hear me though. "I'm sorry for coming back into your life, I never should've even gone back to Mt Thomas, this is where I belong now, with my daughter," I'm sobbing as I speak because I know I don't really mean it, I am just kidding myself. Without another glance I turn into Lily's dark room and gently pick up my crying child. She is belting out a tune, and as I hold her tiny infant body to me she screams even louder, at the top of her lungs. I cry even harder – even my baby knows when I'm sad. The mother and daughter connection, I remember for a quick moment, how the Boss talked of the bond between mother and child, just before I left Mt Thomas. Just before I left Evan. I felt connected to Lily from the start, but this moment is the foundation of our bond.
For more than half an hour I walk around the nursery, trying to calm Lily, but she just cries on. In a way I am relieved that she is making so much noise because it means I can't hear if Evan gets up to leave or not. Whichever way, I stay in Lily's room for the next hour, singing to her softly, and at last her wails subside to whimpers, and her little face loses its redness from the screaming. Her tiny body feels heavier all of a sudden, as she falls asleep against me, exhausted, and I lay her down on the pink woolen blanket Evan sent the week I bought Lily home from the hospital. Seeing the blanket, and my daughter lying upon it, makes me think of Evan once more and a lone tear slips down my cheek and onto the edge of the blanket.
I straighten up after kissing Lily's head goodnight and look at my watch. It is ten past midnight and I feel exhausted. I walk slowly back out to the living room, for some reason expecting Evan to still be sitting on the couch in there. But he's not. I stop and put my hand to my forehead and then look up and towards the door. Evan is standing there, just about to leave.
"I still love you Tess, I love you with every ounce of my body," he whispers. "I've said it once and I'll say it again, anytime you want to change our situation, I'm here. Anytime. I can't live without you by my side Tess. And I know you can't live without me. You already said that," he turns and walks out the door and into the night, back to his car. I stand there motionless at what he has said. Then I reach over, lock the door and turn out the light. As I head to bed I still have Evan on my mind. At last, after such a night, I settle into the warmth of the bed, but then, like always, I feel alone. There is no one beside me, and for a little while there, I realise I could've had Evan back, back with me, so that I wouldn't be alone at night.
It's ten o'clock and Lily isn't awake yet. I sit at the breakfast table, holding my cold hands up against my eyes, in an effort to make the puffiness go down that is a result of me crying myself to sleep last night. I get up and walk to the bathroom to look in the mirror. My cold hands haven't worked. I look shocking.
I wander into Lily's room, and draw open the curtains. I lean over her cot and stare down at my little sleeping angel. She is tossing and turning in her sleep, breathing heavily and her brow is creased. I put my hand to her forehead and my cold hands suddenly aren't cold anymore. My little girl is as hot as the sun and a wave of panic rushes through me. I pick her up and race out to the car, carefully strapping her into the car seat. I speed towards the children's hospital.
My little girl, she looks so helpless lying there, so tiny and small, tubes in her. She's only 6 weeks old, how can this be happening? I hold her tiny hand and drop my head as a feeling of sadness washes over me.
A nurse appears by my side. "There's someone here to see you Ms Gallagher," she says, giving me a reassuring pat on the back. I lift my head in the direction of the door and it is exactly the person I need to see. Evan.
He walks over to sit beside me and again, takes my hand. He lifts my head, his hand to my cheek and I fall into his arms. I sob quietly and finally sit up and tell Evan the news.
"She has asthma," I say looking over at her now sleeping peacefully. "They say she must've had a terrible night last night to be like she is today. She screamed for an hour, after you...after you left, but then she fell asleep and I went to bed. I closed the door and cried myself to sleep. I didn't even hear her coughing," I'm devastated. I feel like a failure as a mother.
"And what did the doctors say?" Evan asks quietly.
"They said that it's really serious in babies, and Lily is especially young to have contracted it. They want to keep a really close eye on her, make sure she's ok," I reply. "Oh Evan, what if I lose her?" I begin crying all over again.
"You won't," he answers, hugging me to him. "You're a great mother Tess, Lily will pull through. She's a fighter, just like you," he wipes away my tears.
"They said that it could be the pollution here that did it to her, car exhausts, smoke," again I get that terrible uncomfortable feeling of guilt. "I take her on a walk everyday. I've been exposing her to it all along!"
"Oh Tess, no you wouldn't have. You can't wrap her in cotton wool, these things happen," he strokes my hair with his gentle touch. "She's sleeping now, come and we'll have a cup of coffee."
We walk out of the room, then the ward and head to the little coffee shop, right near the hospital chapel. As we walk past it I see a lone woman in there, her head bowed. I look away, I am sad enough as it is. We sit down and Evan goes up to the counter and soon comes back with two steaming hot mugs. He sets one in front of me and sips his own as he sits down. For once he doesn't have anything to say and it is me who speaks.
"Evan..." I want to talk but can't find the right words. "Evan, I just wanted to say...for everything I've ever done wrong, for every horrible thing I've ever said to you...I'm sorry," it feels so good to get that out and for a change, I reach out and grab his hand. "I can understand completely if you never want me in your life again, but..." how in the world do I say what I need to? I search my thoughts. "I've finally realised, just now, when I was sitting with Lily, how much I really do need you. I really want you in my life, I don't know why I ever said no to you, I don't know why I married Josh, I don't know why I moved to Melbourne, when you were here for me the whole time, and I just overlooked it."
He squeezed my hand. "I understand Tess. I'll never stop loving you. But the time isn't right at the moment. Yesterday, when you came back into my life and I held you to me again, I felt like it was, but now, now that you ran away from me, and now that Lily's sick, I don't think it's the right time."
"Really?" I whisper sadly, my eyes filling with tears. But all of a sudden I realise just how selfish I've been. Expecting Evan to keep loving me after all I've put him through. And never letting him get too close to me. I can't expect him to always keep coming back.
"But I love you Tess, and if you want me here, while Lily's in hospital, then I'll stay," he says.
"So you'll only stay for Lily, not for me?" I ask. "Is it just because she's sick?"
"It's because I care so deeply about the both of you," he answers, a smile spreading across his face. "I want you to be ok, and if you need a shoulder to cry on I want to be here for you."
"OK," I reply, looking into his tender eyes. "But I just really want you to know, I need you. I honestly do. God," I confess, blushing like a beetroot, "I feel like that day in the locker room!"
Evan throws his head back and laughs. "That was good wasn't it?" he has that larrikin look in his sparkling eyes.
"It was," I smile back in agreeance. He looks deeply into my own eyes and leans across the table and we share a deep and loving kiss. I finally get out the words that have been brewing inside me probably since the day I met Evan Jones – 'call me Jonesy please.' "I love you Evan," I whisper. He smiles and kisses me quickly again.
For the next week I remain by Lily's bedside, willing her to get better. My heart aches at the sight of her, my little girl, just about the only thing I live for, looking so small and helpless. But slowly she begins to thrive. Evan was right, she is a fighter, and I suppose she did get it from me. I certainly didn't let pre-eclampsia get in my way, and I know my little Lily isn't going to let a condition like asthma get in her way.
Late one night I drag myself away, at Evan's persistence, and head home for some much deserved sleep. Evan is staying with me, and he sleeps on the couch – a decision we made without even having to consult each other. I know it wouldn't have been right to ask him to sleep beside me again, as he has made it clear he doesn't want to rush into anything right now and I can't do anything but respect his wishes. He heads to the bathroom as we walk in the front door and I make my way over to the cordless phone. I feel terrible that I haven't told Josh earlier that Lily is sick, but I couldn't tear myself away from my little girl to pick up the phone and let him know, even though I have been meaning to for days. Evan offered to call him, but I could just imagine their icy tones exchanging words on the phone, and I didn't want that. And it should be me who tells Josh anyway.
I take the phone into the privacy of my bedroom where I hope Evan's hearing cannot reach. I dial the number I know so well, even though I do not love this man anymore. It's late and I don't expect him to be awake, but he answers after three rings.
"Hi Josh, its Tess," I try to keep my voice steady.
"Tess," he replies, surprised. "Is something wrong? You don't usually call at this hour," I can sense him sitting upright wherever he is and paying attention. "Is it Lily?"
"I wanted to let you know that Lil is sick," my voice wavers for a second, but I keep it under control. "She's in the children's hospital; she's been there since Thursday morning."
"What?" he is shocked, understandably. "What's wrong with her?"
"She's contracted asthma, they think it's quite serious because she's so young," the tears fall down my face slowly, but it doesn't affect my voice, thankfully.
"Is she ok? I mean is she going to be all right?" he asks worriedly and I am a little happier at hearing him voice concern at last for our daughter.
"She's getting a lot better, she's a tough little thing," I smile at the thought of my baby.
"Can I...can I come and see her?" Josh asks. "Is that ok with you?"
"Of course it is," I answer. "She's your daughter Josh, I'm not going to push you away."
"I'll be close by tomorrow, and so I'll spend some time with her," he tells me. "Will you be there?"
"Most probably," I answer. "I can't seem to stay away," I give a sad little chuckle.
"Good," he says. "Because I need to talk to you about something important and I'd prefer to do it face to face."
"What is it?" I am curious.
"I don't want to discuss it over the phone Tess," he explains. "It wouldn't be right, so I'll just see you tomorrow and if you get there before me, give her a kiss for me will you?"
He still has a little of that fatherly touch in him, I am glad to hear. "Sure, will do," I reply.
The next day I am up and at the hospital with Lily before Evan is even awake. I am so grateful they bend the visiting hours rules for parents of babies. It means I can come and go whenever I like and stay for as long as I want. And I never want to leave Lily's side.
She at last has the colour back in her cheeks, and is even awake when I creep into her room. Her beautiful blue eyes stare up at me and I can tell she's on the mend, ready to be back with Mummy. I sit in the armchair beside her and hold her hand with my left and a cup of coffee with my right, and look around the room before allowing my eyes to settle on my little girl. I can't stop looking at her, I've never been able to, from the moment she came into this world. She's just so beautiful.
It's just after nine and I can hear footsteps by the door. Josh appears and smiles at me before coming over and sitting in the chair beside me. He reaches over and strokes Lily's cheek and stares at her for a long time. At last he turns to speak to me.
"Have the doctors said anything else about how she's going?" he asks, his brow furrowed with worry. Concern takes over his eyes and he looks like he spent the night tossing and turning, just like I did.
"They are happy with how she is going, they think she can probably go home soon," I answer with a smile and look over at Lily. "They think it will be good for her to be back in a familiar environment, not one of four white walls and doctors and nurses buzzing around," I smile at him warmly.
"Great," he breathes out slowly. "I'm relieved. But there's something I need to let you know Tess, and you're probably not going to like it."
"Try me," I challenge him warily.
"I haven't told you, but my life hasn't been really going too well of late," he explains, not meeting my eyes. "I'm not with anyone at the moment, none of my relationships seem to work out, even ours," he chuckles quietly. "And I feel like I need a change. I need to get away from all this, all my problems, start a fresh."
"So you're going to run away?" I can't help but feel a little angry at him, even though I am guilty of exactly the same crime. "What about Lily?"
"That's what is making this all the more harder Tess, believe me. I didn't want to leave her, and you, and now that she's sick like this in hospital, I really don't want to, but I just can't go on living like this, it's not healthy," he looks torn. "I guess I am running away, but it feels like all I can do. Till my lifes end I love Lily, and you will always have a place in me too Tess, because we created this child together. Lil is something we are bound by, but I have accepted a position at Princess Margaret Hospital," he looks at me, waiting for my answer.
"Princess Margaret? But isn't that in..." I never quite finish.
"WA, yes," he takes my hand. "I need to do this. I'm sorry."
I shake my head, beginning to slowly understand. "Do you still want to be apart of Lily's life?" I ask.
"Of course Tess," he answers. "She's our daughter. I love her so much Tess, I will visit all the time, if you'll have me, and I am determined not to let her grow up not knowing who I am or what I look like."
I nod. Josh stands up and kisses my cheek and then turns to Lily and kisses her cheek also. He leans over and whispers something in her ear. I cannot hear what he is saying, but I have a fair idea of what it is. He turns back to me, I stand and we hug each other tightly and then he walks out of my life.
Two days later the doctors at last let me take Lily home. She needs rest they say, a chance to get over the commencement of the disease, and I carry her out to the car with Evan at my side. I feel reassured knowing he is right there beside me. He doesn't say a word as we get into the car and drive home. He knows I am still getting over Josh leaving mixed with the joy of taking my little girl home.
He is like a shadow, but a good one, and follows me into the nursery as I lay Lily down and tuck Evan's pink blanket securely around her. After a week of having difficulty sleeping, she settles down quickly and easily and breathes steadily as she sleeps. I stand by her cot and watch her drift into dreamland. While I watch her I become aware of Evan by my side. At last, there is someone standing by my shoulder, wanting to take care of me.
I turn around and we stare into each others eyes. "Lily's going to be ok now Tess," he whispers. He is so close to me I can feel the warmth from his body. He brushes the hair out of my eyes and cautiously I wrap my arms around his waist loosely. We stand like this for several minutes and at last he moves.
He cradles my face in his warm, loving hands and kisses me slowly, with so much love and so much respect. I don't know what to do; I just stand there and enjoy the taste of his lips. When he smiles I smile back and see the sparkle in his gorgeous eyes. He kisses me again, but this time with passion I can't help but return.
We both know going too fast could very well prove disastrous, and so he pulls away from me and takes my hand, leading me out of Lily's nursery and to the couch in my little lounge room. The late afternoon sun filters through the curtains, casting thin streaks of yellow on the walls and Evan never lets go of my hand, even as we sit down.
"I love you Tess," he whispers, kissing me tenderly again. It is what I've been needing to hear for so long now and I smile back at him. Later we creep past Lily's room to my bedroom and settle between the covers where I at last have someone next to me, and I know my bed will never be empty again.
Date begun: 11th June 2004 Date finished: 15th June 2004 Disclaimer: the usual Dedication: For Em who will read anything I send to her and always tells me what she honestly thinks!
Hiding feelings, I am so good at that. I've been doing it for so long now, I've turned into a pro. It was the only way I could make things right, or at least seem like they were right. I had to hide what I was really feeling. If I didn't things would never run smoothly. But it was funny, in the back of my mind I wished that life wouldn't go smoothly for a while and then it would be exciting and I'd feel energized at the beginning of each day.
I always opted for the safe, sensible way out though. That was how I'd always lived my life, but no one really ever knew how I was feeling. I hid it so well. Evan came close, really close, so much so that it was scary, because he knew me better than I thought he did, but still, even Evan didn't know all of what I'd ever felt.
I'd put on a brave face that day, when I said goodbye to Mt Thomas, I didn't want to cause anymore hassle for everyone. They cared about me so much, and I was so touched, and I just couldn't blurt out that I still couldn't stand my mother and the last thing I wanted to do was go and live in Melbourne with her and the Carmichaels two clicks away. But like most times in my life, I convinced myself I didn't have a choice. I convinced myself so well, that I pretty much fooled myself completely and it wasn't until after Lily was born and we had finally settled into our own place, away from the Carmichaels and my mother, that I began to rethink my life, and how, if I was honest with myself, being in Melbourne wasn't what I wanted. And I definitely didn't want to bring up a child in the rat race of a fast paced city. My very first day in Mt Thomas I'd fallen in love with the little country town and often I've dreamed of living in a cozy little house with a great husband and being able to hear the pitter patter of little feet. I would never let myself imagine that that 'great husband' was Evan, but now, now that I'd had time to really think about it, I at last realized that it was Evan that I wanted to share that cozy little Mt Thomas cottage with and bring up children with.
I knew Lily wasn't Evan's, how I wish she was, and even though I have made up with Josh of sorts – at least I don't yell down the phone to him anymore – I am happy without him in my life. He gave me the impression he wasn't interested a whole lot in Lily either. I was crushed, she is our daughter, a little human being we'd created together, but it seemed like when it got to the crunch time – if I was precise, the minute I went through all that pain they call giving birth – Josh lost interest. He never could deal with things the way he really should have. That stupid relationship with his school friend was a prime example, and I'll never stop hating him for how he made me feel that day and how he lied to me, but I just couldn't understand how he practically turned his back on his very own daughter.
And she is so beautiful too. She is just over a month old now, and I still watch her sleep, because she looks like a blessing from heaven, the picture of beauty, and I feel so lucky to have her. She has my fair hair and porcelain skin, and is such a good baby. When I stare at her as she sleeps though, I secretly wish that I had someone standing by my shoulder, someone who will take care of me the way I take care of Lily, and time after time I find myself wishing that person could be Evan.
I lay in my own bed at night, always one ear trained to listen out for the cries of my daughter in case she needs me, but the rest of me hears the lonely sounds of the night, the type of sounds one notices when they're alone. The bed is so empty, and I ache to have someone lying next to me, but it will never be Josh, whether he is the father of my child or not. It is true, I have Lily now, but I still wish for someone else, and having Lily has made me realize that you need to hold onto the things that matter.
I am at loggerheads as to what to do with my life. Lily is asleep peacefully in my arms, and it is only late afternoon, and so not yet time to retire to bed and get lost again in my daydreams. And suddenly Lily stirs, and her beautiful piercing blue eyes flicker open. As I stare into them, a smile spreads across her face as she stares right back at me. As I rock her back to sleep, I finally reach a decision.
I am still myself, I can never change that. Mum and I just don't get along, despite her efforts, and even the efforts I've made. Seeing the Carmichaels just makes me think of Josh, and at night I can't get the image of Evan out of my head, and as I walk into Lily's nursery, and bend over to lay her down, a warm feeling envelopes me. I know what I am going to do and it fills me with excitement. It's time to go back to Mt Thomas for a visit.
I feel so excited that I start packing immediately after laying Lily down. I probably can't go tonight, that's a bit rushed, I'm still level headed Tess, the organised one, but there's no reason why I can't go tomorrow morning. I pack enough clothes for three days and tip toe into Lily's room to pack some essentials into a bag for her. The adrenalin pumping through my veins is so fast it's almost scary, and I realize I cannot wait to be back in Mt Thomas and see Evan again.
Later, I lay in bed, my room dark and the rain belting against my bedroom window. My thoughts again drift to Evan as I get comfortable in bed. Tears come to my eyes as it suddenly dawns on me just how much Evan cares about me. Why hadn't I ever realized it before? It was so obvious and I'd just chosen to ignore it. He proposed to me for goodness sake, and if that's not caring about someone then I don't know what is.
I lay in the dark trying to figure out why I had not let him into my life all the time I was stationed in Mt Thomas. No one had ever cared about me that way before. Maybe that was why. I never had anyone in my life who loved me so much. My mother was useless and Bridie was just someone who needed me to get her out of trouble all the time. But Evan, Evan really loved me. Why hadn't I let him into my life?
Lily is almost awake and there are still so many things I need to get ready. There's enough fuel in the car, but I need more baby wipes, not to mention those cloth nappies I have to take out of the dryer. Halfway to the laundry I halt hearing my little girl wail. I run to her, as I always do, to take her in my arms, assure her I'm here, which is probably something my mother should've done with me because I never felt like she was there for me.
I wipe away her tears gently as I hold her in my arms. She is so little, being quite early, and I remember with a smile how Evan was so worried. He was the first person I called, I don't know why, but he was, and I told him I'd had a little girl. He was terrified at how early Lily had arrived, and was steaming mad he couldn't get time off work to come to Melbourne to see us. His care came down the phone line and I cried silently as we talked. He still hasn't seen Lily, and I know our trip will delight him.
Soon Lily and I are ready to go and I reverse out of the driveway, and as I head towards Mt Thomas I feel like I'm going in the right direction, I feel like I'm going home. Mt Thomas really must be where I belong.
The trip is long, and halfway there I realize that it was probably not the best thing to do with a new born, but my desire to see Evan is so strong. I need to see him again, and this time I am going to make things right.
By lunchtime we are driving towards the Imperial. I park, delicately lift Lily out of the car seat and take a deep breath. Walking into the pub, I see a new barman, and head his way to ask where Chris is.
"In the office," he replies, looking at me critically. "She said no matter what she didn't want to be disturbed."
"She'll want to see me," I tell him, as Lily stirs in my arms. "Tell her I'm in the parlour," and I turn around and head in that direction. Making myself comfortable on the old, overstuffed leather chairs, I wait nervously for Chris. I haven't seen her, or anyone from the station in five months, and I try to stop myself from shaking.
"...Look, I'm sorry the parlour's been booked for..." Chris strode in. Her jaw dropped and she put her hand up to the door frame to steady herself. "Tess?"
"How are you Chris?" I ask. Standing up, I put Lily in her capsule, and walk over to Chris where we share a hug.
"How are you?" she squeals. "I didn't know you were coming! What's the occasion...Oh my gosh, is that her?" she cries looking past me towards Lily. She kneels down and strokes my daughters little hand. I knelt down beside her and watch Chris have her moment.
"I've been thinking a lot since Lily was born and I felt like I needed to come back here for a bit of a visit, begin a afresh and sort some things out that I should've along time ago," I come back up to a standing position and Chris joins me. "The first person I need to see is Evan, he's not by any chance on his lunch break and up in his room is he?" I prayed he would be.
"It's your lucky day Tess, he is here," she smiled and hugged me again. "I'm so happy to see you. Evan will be too you know."
"I know," I whisper, and pick up Lily's capsule. I head out of the parlour and up the staircase towards Evans room. I know which one it is and the door is closed. I approach it nervously and to gather strength as I go to knock it, I look down at Lily, sleeping peacefully. She gives me the strength I need, and I knock softly on Evans door. He takes a long time to answer and I become scared, almost ready to run back down the staircase. Finally, he opens the door and I can do nothing but smile. God, I must look so stupid! Grinning like an idiot. A smile spreads across his face too though and I start to relax.
"Tess," he breathes. "I was just thinking about how much I miss you," he hugs me hard and I at last get that warm, safe, secure feeling back again. We look into each others eyes and now I really feel like I am home. I have to keep myself from overreacting though and taking things too fast. That could be a mistake.
I have trouble finding the right words to say to Evan. Tears come to my eyes, and I don't want him to see them, but I can't tear my eyes away from his. Finally, I get some words out.
"I came back to see you Evan. This feels really weird saying this, but I've missed you too," he smiles at me. "And I know you wanted to see Lily," I finally tear my eyes away from him and pick up the capsule. He ushers me in, his eyes glued to my daughter. We sit on the couch he has managed to squeeze into his little pub room, and I lift Lily out, Evan watching my every move.
"Can I...?" he whispers, afraid all of a sudden. I pass her over to him and he takes her in his arms as if she were his own. As I stare at the picture before me, I can't help but realize this picture is my dream. The dream of having someone by my side to care about me and love me. Evan has always loved me, and told me he will always love me, many times, but I was so stupid to not return the affection.
"I don't know what to say Tess," he whispers, still staring down at her. "She's as beautiful as you," he finally looks up into my eyes and I can feel my cheeks grow hot. But I smile, and before I know it the flush in my cheeks has gone down and I stroke Lily's hand, brushing Evan's strong arm that cradles Lily at the same time.
Later, Evan and I head down stairs and have dinner in the dining room, where we continue to catch up. It's strange how I don't find him so annoying anymore, even though he's still exactly the same person he was before I left. Still proclaiming his love for me, still jealous of the other people I've been out with, still wanting to protect me. Maybe now I need him, whereas six months ago I felt like I didn't.
"So Tess," he begins. "How long are you here for?" he looks hopefully into my eyes, and the look makes me want to stay indefinitely.
"A couple of days," I reply. "Would it be ok if we stayed with you? Because..." I'm too shy to tell him the truth. He reaches across the table and takes hold of my hand.
"...because I came back to see you. I've changed Evan, I feel a lot different now, and you're the person I want to be with," my voice barely a whisper.
A smile spreads across Evan's face and he holds my hand tighter. "Of course you can stay with me, we'll squeeze into the little pub room."
We finish our dinner not long after and I get up to take Lily to the parlour to feed her in private, but to my surprise Evan follows me, obviously not realizing what I'm going to do. I smile and shake my head, and soon Lily is getting a full belly as the three of us sit comfortably in the parlour.
Lily now almost asleep in my arms, Evan springs the most dreaded question on me. "So how do you like Melbourne? Must be great huh? A lot more awake than sleepy old Mt Thomas," he smiles his gorgeous smile.
"Ahhh yeah, it's fine," I mutter, suddenly not wanting to tell Evan the truth, even though that is what I came up here for. Evan looks at me curiously, and I look away, out the window at the pouring rain.
"Is everything ok Tess?" he asks, worried. I take a deep breath and put Lily again back into her capsule.
"I don't like it in Melbourne Evan, I really don't."
"But you said that it was the best place for you," he's confused, understandably. "Your Mum there to help you, and you live right near the Carmichaels, and," he laughs, "you're away from irritating ol' me."
"But those are all the problems!" a tear slips down my cheek and I wipe it away quickly with the back of my hand, hoping Evan doesn't see.
But he does. He comes over to sit next to me and again takes my hand. "They're problems?" he lifts my chin with his finger.
"I know I said I wanted to live near the Carmichaels, and for a while I guess it was handy, but it was just while I was pregnant, I don't need them anymore, and as nice as they are, they still remind me of Josh, and I don't want to be reminded of him everytime I turn my head."
"And your Mum?"
"She's still the same Evan. We will never get along. She hasn't changed. I know she told you she would, but she hasn't. She's a useless grandmother, and that's probably why Bridie's kids are the way they are. It's just the way things are, and I prefer to bring up Lily my way without having to argue with someone about it, which is all I did when Mum was around," I look at him sadly, sighing.
"I had no idea Tess," Evan whispers. "I'm so sorry. If I had known I would've come to Melbourne and helped you figure it out. But you've still got Josh right?" I shake my head sadly.
"He was never one to commit, he makes rash decisions everyday and they're often bad decisions. Us getting married was just one of those rash decisions, and I heard that he and that guy aren't even together anymore either. He doesn't play a role in Lily's life," I look over at my daughter and for a minute see some of her father in her.
"Oh Tess," Evan held both my hands. With his touch I crumple, losing my cool composure I'm so famous for. He hugs me tight and lets me have my cry. We head up to his room and Evan begins setting up a fold out bed from Chris's storage cupboard.
"Who is that for?" I ask.
"Me of course," he replies. "You can have the bed, it doesn't hurt me to sleep down here."
I don't know what to say. He is the kindest being on the planet, why is he so good to me? What did I do to deserve someone like this? "Evan, don't be silly, we'll share, I'm ok with it." I open the covers of the double bed and gesture to it. "You shouldn't be sleeping on the floor, this is your room." Secretly I wish he would accept so that I don't spend yet another night alone in a bed.
"No no Tess," he says. "I'm fine really. I know you'd feel uncomfortable if I was right next to you," he settles into the fold out bed and closes his eyes, getting comfortable and wriggling around.
I sigh. "Just the opposite actually," I whisper, giving in and slipping under the covers.
"What?" he asks as I turn out the light.
"Nothing."
An hour later I am still wide awake, and it's not even because of Lily – she is sleeping soundly. The bed is too big, too empty. I crawl out and kneel by Evan's side. Before I can say anything, he rolls over and jumps at the sight of me.
"Tess!" he whispers in the darkness. "What's the matter?"
"I wouldn't feel uncomfortable if we shared the bed," I whisper.
"Really?" he smiles and strokes my cheek.
"Please Evan, I've spent the last couple of months with no one in bed next to me," I get up and sit back on the bed watching him get up out of the fold out bed and he comes over and sits next to me on the bed. It dips from his weight combined with mine and he holds my hand.
"Everybody gets lonely," he whispers with a smile, mimicking the line I'd said harshly to his face near Christmas 2002, right before our locker room escapade. "You just need the cricket on the telly and pizza from Luigi's," he put his arm around my shoulder and squeezed me tight.
"Very funny Constable Jones," I laugh. He gets up and walks around to the other side of the bed and hops in.
"I can't have you in the way I want can I Tess?" he asks as we settle into the warmth of the bed. "At least not right now can I?"
"Believe me, I'm tempted Evan," I smile at him. "But I just want someone next to me right now," and with that I feel content, with Evan's warm body next to me. We lay silently for a while before Evan spoke again.
"Remember Tess, my offer is still standing," he knows I know what he means.
"That's sort of why I came back Evan," I whisper, and his arm comes to my waist, and we lie comfortably together and sleep soundlessly.
The next day I woke up in an empty bed. Sadly I rolled over and felt where Evan had been lying, it was still warm and I breathed in his scent. I rolled back towards the edge of the bed and saw a note on the bedside table. Sitting up, I picked it up and read it with sleepy eyes.
'Dear Tess, Sorry, had the early shift. Didn't want to wake you or disturb Lily. If you want to come into the station, that'll be great or else I guess we'll catch up during the day sometime. I really look forward to it. Evan'
I'm really looking forward to it too. Ever since arriving back in Mt Thomas all I've wanted was to be with Evan and I can't wait till his lunch break to see him again. I pick up Lily and soon we head downstairs for breakfast, then walk into the sunshine towards the station. Lily thrives in the sun, she's loved it since she went on her first walk, something I made a habit of doing everyday with her. The rain has cleared once and for all, and the sun warms my shoulders.
The station looks exactly the same, but I know there is at least one new person inside whom I've never met. As I walk up to the verandah I can so easily see myself heading in the door in uniform ready for another day. I could slip back into this community like that.
I push upon the screen door and walk up to the counter. A blonde constable smiles at me, her name tag reads 'Susie Raynor'. I smile back and hoist Lily's baby capsule onto the counter.
"Tess," Susie says. "Great to finally meet you. Jonesy showed me a photo, so I know who he's always talking about," she smiles kindly again.
"Oh," I'm a little surprised. Evan talks about me constantly? Of course he does. Again I mentally slap myself for never realising his love for me before. "Well, he mentioned your name to me too, and it's great to meet you." I hold out my hand politely and she shakes it with warmth.
"I'll just get Evan for you," she turns towards the locker room. "Come through. No one else is here at the moment, but PJ and the Boss should be back soon."
"Great," I say, picking up Lily again and following Susie. There's my desk, and my chair. They even still use the readout folder I notice with a smile. One of my traditions that stuck. I walk into the locker room as Susie holds the door open for me and there he is. His shirt off, just like that day of our escapade. A happy little vegemite – that's what I called him. I laugh to myself.
"Tess," Evan grabs me and hugs me hard. I guess he misses me as much as I miss him. It feels good to be back in his arms even though we just spent the night in the same bed, although not doing anything 'naughty', and he had his arms around me then. Wow, I'm really turning into a mush, I can't still have these hormones raging inside of me, the pregnancy's over now!
"Did you meet Susie?" Evan asks.
"Yeah, she's nice," I reply with a smile. "She said you talk about me all the time." Evan blushes. "Do you really?"
"Yeah, I mean, I guess so."
"That's so sweet, I don't know how you put up with me," and on impulse, I lean over and kiss him firmly on the lips. "I don't deserve you."
"Don't say that Tess," he whispers. "You deserve the world," he hugs me to him once again, and we stand in the middle of the locker room like that for a long time. When we at last let go, I hear the sounds of voices in the hallway, coming from the back of the station. It's Jo, and...PJ...and the Boss as well. Evan and I leave the locker room and join the rest of the station.
Jo is the first to notice, of course. "Tess!" she jumps up and almost smothers me in a hug. "What are you doing here?"
"I just came for a visit, wanted to see everyone," I answer. "And I wanted you guys to meet Lily," I leant over to Jo's ear. "Lily Joanna Gallagher," I beam at her, I know it is a surprise for her, Evan didn't tell her I gave Lily that middle name.
"Lily Joanna..." Jo whispers. "Oh Tess..." she has tears in her eyes and I rub her arm with a smile. She leans down to get her first glimpse of my daughter, and so does everyone else, including Ben who has just walked in, and they each give me a peck on the cheek to welcome me back, even the big bad Boss.
"She's beautiful Tess," PJ smiles. The seven of us settle down, grabbing chairs and desks to sit on, and fritter away the next half hour catching up. To my relief no one mentions Josh, or my mother, they are all just genuinely pleased to see me, even Susie, which is a fantastic feeling.
I end up staying at the station till mid afternoon, just waiting for Evan to finish his shift, and while I wait, sit and chat in the Boss's office. He seems smitten with Lily, walking around with her in his arms, muttering in baby talk about sergeants and the 'big blokes' sending him a new one. I smile at the thought of an honourary grandfather on my hands.
Finally, Evan arrives back from a job and wastes no time in grabbing his jacket and assorted other possessions and heading home, gesturing me out of the Boss's office. I say goodbye to everyone and follow Evan out the front door of the station, before hopping into his car to head back to the Imperial. But Evan goes a different route.
"Where are we going?" I ask as Evan drives past the pub and into the centre of town.
"The park, I thought it might be nice if we could have a chat," he answers as he parks the car, and hops out. He grabs Lily from the backseat and takes my hand and leads me towards a grassy area flooded with sunshine where there is a bench. I don't know what to say, and so wait for him to speak. I don't have to wait long.
"Tess," he begins. "You know what I said last night, about my offer. Well, I meant it," he looks deep into my eyes, but suddenly I get scared. I can feel my old ways creeping back into me, and they're so strong I can't fight them off, or convince myself what's going on in my head is right. I can't speak.
"Tess, I want you to stay here. Stay here with me, you and Lily."
"Ahhhh..." I stammer, the fear pumping through me. I tighten my grip on Lily's capsule. My mind is racing. I can't do it, I can't. I need to be safe, Evan isn't safe, sure he's the 'fire' but he's not safe. PJ always said safe is probably best. I stand up in a hurry.
"Ummm, I'm sorry Evan, but I need to be back in Melbourne, got plans you know what I mean?" I am speaking like a crazy woman. "Sorry to cut this visit short, but I really have to go," I start walking back towards the car, then change my mind and just walk quickly towards the Imperial instead. I can hear Evan running after me, and finally, as I reach the Imperial entrance he reaches me and puts his hand on my shoulder.
"Tess! Wait, hold on, what are you doing?" he asks breathlessly. "What's the matter?" I turn to him with tears in my eyes.
"I don't deserve you Evan, I just can't do it," I sob. "Safe is best, safe is always best, and Lily and I have that safety back in our little house in Melbourne, where it's just the two of us."
"What?" he grabs my shoulders. "But what about your empty bed? I thought you came back here so we could start again, or, rather, just start, because we never really got anywhere when you were stationed here did we?" he smiled.
"I'm sorry Evan, I don't deserve you. It just isn't meant to be," and with that I run into the pub with Lily's capsule now clutched to my chest so as not to jolt her around as I pound up the stairs. Evan is still at my heels and I stand there not looking at him, waiting for him to open the door.
He looks at me, then at the door and back at me again. He opens it and watches as I throw the few belongings I bought back into my bag, and gather anything of Lily's that is lying around. I head out the door, not able to look at Evan's devastated face. The only way I feel safe is if I'm back where I know I am safe, and that's in Melbourne with Lily.
Two hours later we're home again, and I settle Lily back into her cot, after being in a baby capsule for more than a day. As I turn towards Lily's bedroom door to leave the room, I look out the window and onto the street. A little part of me wishes Evan would come, come after me. But he's not there.
Late that night I sit on the couch, my hands wrapped around a cup of coffee, and give myself a chance to think about things. Going back to Mt Thomas was a mistake. This is where I belong now, and I have a child to think about, I can't go following my heart everywhere. I've got to be responsible. Safe.
There's a knock at the door. I already know that it's Evan, and he lets himself in, looking weary from the long trip. He sits down silently beside me. We sit like this for 15 straight minutes, I am watching the clock, and with every second that ticks by I can't think of a thing to say and so we sit there silently.
Evan breaks the ice. "I believe it is meant to be Tess," he says. "Your bed has been empty for months. So has mine. I need someone there too, so I'm not alone at night. And I can't imagine anyone else there but you."
My emotions are running away with me. Now that I am back in Melbourne I want to be in Mt Thomas. I want to say sorry to Evan, but I can't. He's still sitting here, next to me, telling me he loves me, but I can't even speak. The tears roll down my face and he shuffles over and takes my hand. I love how he always reaches for my hand, it makes me feel as loved as his kisses do, or his hugs. But something has come over me, I want to be with Evan, but some part of me is telling me no.
We've been sitting here for hours now, he won't leave and he's still holding my hand. Suddenly Lily cries out and I jump up from the couch and head to her room. I reach her door and before I enter I turn around and look sadly at Evan, still sitting on the couch. My composure truly collapses as I stand there, and I cry, leaning against the doorframe and seeing the look of absolute devastation and rejection in his eyes. Tears are falling down my face at an alarming speed.
"I'm sorry Evan," I whisper. I know he can hear me though. "I'm sorry for coming back into your life, I never should've even gone back to Mt Thomas, this is where I belong now, with my daughter," I'm sobbing as I speak because I know I don't really mean it, I am just kidding myself. Without another glance I turn into Lily's dark room and gently pick up my crying child. She is belting out a tune, and as I hold her tiny infant body to me she screams even louder, at the top of her lungs. I cry even harder – even my baby knows when I'm sad. The mother and daughter connection, I remember for a quick moment, how the Boss talked of the bond between mother and child, just before I left Mt Thomas. Just before I left Evan. I felt connected to Lily from the start, but this moment is the foundation of our bond.
For more than half an hour I walk around the nursery, trying to calm Lily, but she just cries on. In a way I am relieved that she is making so much noise because it means I can't hear if Evan gets up to leave or not. Whichever way, I stay in Lily's room for the next hour, singing to her softly, and at last her wails subside to whimpers, and her little face loses its redness from the screaming. Her tiny body feels heavier all of a sudden, as she falls asleep against me, exhausted, and I lay her down on the pink woolen blanket Evan sent the week I bought Lily home from the hospital. Seeing the blanket, and my daughter lying upon it, makes me think of Evan once more and a lone tear slips down my cheek and onto the edge of the blanket.
I straighten up after kissing Lily's head goodnight and look at my watch. It is ten past midnight and I feel exhausted. I walk slowly back out to the living room, for some reason expecting Evan to still be sitting on the couch in there. But he's not. I stop and put my hand to my forehead and then look up and towards the door. Evan is standing there, just about to leave.
"I still love you Tess, I love you with every ounce of my body," he whispers. "I've said it once and I'll say it again, anytime you want to change our situation, I'm here. Anytime. I can't live without you by my side Tess. And I know you can't live without me. You already said that," he turns and walks out the door and into the night, back to his car. I stand there motionless at what he has said. Then I reach over, lock the door and turn out the light. As I head to bed I still have Evan on my mind. At last, after such a night, I settle into the warmth of the bed, but then, like always, I feel alone. There is no one beside me, and for a little while there, I realise I could've had Evan back, back with me, so that I wouldn't be alone at night.
It's ten o'clock and Lily isn't awake yet. I sit at the breakfast table, holding my cold hands up against my eyes, in an effort to make the puffiness go down that is a result of me crying myself to sleep last night. I get up and walk to the bathroom to look in the mirror. My cold hands haven't worked. I look shocking.
I wander into Lily's room, and draw open the curtains. I lean over her cot and stare down at my little sleeping angel. She is tossing and turning in her sleep, breathing heavily and her brow is creased. I put my hand to her forehead and my cold hands suddenly aren't cold anymore. My little girl is as hot as the sun and a wave of panic rushes through me. I pick her up and race out to the car, carefully strapping her into the car seat. I speed towards the children's hospital.
My little girl, she looks so helpless lying there, so tiny and small, tubes in her. She's only 6 weeks old, how can this be happening? I hold her tiny hand and drop my head as a feeling of sadness washes over me.
A nurse appears by my side. "There's someone here to see you Ms Gallagher," she says, giving me a reassuring pat on the back. I lift my head in the direction of the door and it is exactly the person I need to see. Evan.
He walks over to sit beside me and again, takes my hand. He lifts my head, his hand to my cheek and I fall into his arms. I sob quietly and finally sit up and tell Evan the news.
"She has asthma," I say looking over at her now sleeping peacefully. "They say she must've had a terrible night last night to be like she is today. She screamed for an hour, after you...after you left, but then she fell asleep and I went to bed. I closed the door and cried myself to sleep. I didn't even hear her coughing," I'm devastated. I feel like a failure as a mother.
"And what did the doctors say?" Evan asks quietly.
"They said that it's really serious in babies, and Lily is especially young to have contracted it. They want to keep a really close eye on her, make sure she's ok," I reply. "Oh Evan, what if I lose her?" I begin crying all over again.
"You won't," he answers, hugging me to him. "You're a great mother Tess, Lily will pull through. She's a fighter, just like you," he wipes away my tears.
"They said that it could be the pollution here that did it to her, car exhausts, smoke," again I get that terrible uncomfortable feeling of guilt. "I take her on a walk everyday. I've been exposing her to it all along!"
"Oh Tess, no you wouldn't have. You can't wrap her in cotton wool, these things happen," he strokes my hair with his gentle touch. "She's sleeping now, come and we'll have a cup of coffee."
We walk out of the room, then the ward and head to the little coffee shop, right near the hospital chapel. As we walk past it I see a lone woman in there, her head bowed. I look away, I am sad enough as it is. We sit down and Evan goes up to the counter and soon comes back with two steaming hot mugs. He sets one in front of me and sips his own as he sits down. For once he doesn't have anything to say and it is me who speaks.
"Evan..." I want to talk but can't find the right words. "Evan, I just wanted to say...for everything I've ever done wrong, for every horrible thing I've ever said to you...I'm sorry," it feels so good to get that out and for a change, I reach out and grab his hand. "I can understand completely if you never want me in your life again, but..." how in the world do I say what I need to? I search my thoughts. "I've finally realised, just now, when I was sitting with Lily, how much I really do need you. I really want you in my life, I don't know why I ever said no to you, I don't know why I married Josh, I don't know why I moved to Melbourne, when you were here for me the whole time, and I just overlooked it."
He squeezed my hand. "I understand Tess. I'll never stop loving you. But the time isn't right at the moment. Yesterday, when you came back into my life and I held you to me again, I felt like it was, but now, now that you ran away from me, and now that Lily's sick, I don't think it's the right time."
"Really?" I whisper sadly, my eyes filling with tears. But all of a sudden I realise just how selfish I've been. Expecting Evan to keep loving me after all I've put him through. And never letting him get too close to me. I can't expect him to always keep coming back.
"But I love you Tess, and if you want me here, while Lily's in hospital, then I'll stay," he says.
"So you'll only stay for Lily, not for me?" I ask. "Is it just because she's sick?"
"It's because I care so deeply about the both of you," he answers, a smile spreading across his face. "I want you to be ok, and if you need a shoulder to cry on I want to be here for you."
"OK," I reply, looking into his tender eyes. "But I just really want you to know, I need you. I honestly do. God," I confess, blushing like a beetroot, "I feel like that day in the locker room!"
Evan throws his head back and laughs. "That was good wasn't it?" he has that larrikin look in his sparkling eyes.
"It was," I smile back in agreeance. He looks deeply into my own eyes and leans across the table and we share a deep and loving kiss. I finally get out the words that have been brewing inside me probably since the day I met Evan Jones – 'call me Jonesy please.' "I love you Evan," I whisper. He smiles and kisses me quickly again.
For the next week I remain by Lily's bedside, willing her to get better. My heart aches at the sight of her, my little girl, just about the only thing I live for, looking so small and helpless. But slowly she begins to thrive. Evan was right, she is a fighter, and I suppose she did get it from me. I certainly didn't let pre-eclampsia get in my way, and I know my little Lily isn't going to let a condition like asthma get in her way.
Late one night I drag myself away, at Evan's persistence, and head home for some much deserved sleep. Evan is staying with me, and he sleeps on the couch – a decision we made without even having to consult each other. I know it wouldn't have been right to ask him to sleep beside me again, as he has made it clear he doesn't want to rush into anything right now and I can't do anything but respect his wishes. He heads to the bathroom as we walk in the front door and I make my way over to the cordless phone. I feel terrible that I haven't told Josh earlier that Lily is sick, but I couldn't tear myself away from my little girl to pick up the phone and let him know, even though I have been meaning to for days. Evan offered to call him, but I could just imagine their icy tones exchanging words on the phone, and I didn't want that. And it should be me who tells Josh anyway.
I take the phone into the privacy of my bedroom where I hope Evan's hearing cannot reach. I dial the number I know so well, even though I do not love this man anymore. It's late and I don't expect him to be awake, but he answers after three rings.
"Hi Josh, its Tess," I try to keep my voice steady.
"Tess," he replies, surprised. "Is something wrong? You don't usually call at this hour," I can sense him sitting upright wherever he is and paying attention. "Is it Lily?"
"I wanted to let you know that Lil is sick," my voice wavers for a second, but I keep it under control. "She's in the children's hospital; she's been there since Thursday morning."
"What?" he is shocked, understandably. "What's wrong with her?"
"She's contracted asthma, they think it's quite serious because she's so young," the tears fall down my face slowly, but it doesn't affect my voice, thankfully.
"Is she ok? I mean is she going to be all right?" he asks worriedly and I am a little happier at hearing him voice concern at last for our daughter.
"She's getting a lot better, she's a tough little thing," I smile at the thought of my baby.
"Can I...can I come and see her?" Josh asks. "Is that ok with you?"
"Of course it is," I answer. "She's your daughter Josh, I'm not going to push you away."
"I'll be close by tomorrow, and so I'll spend some time with her," he tells me. "Will you be there?"
"Most probably," I answer. "I can't seem to stay away," I give a sad little chuckle.
"Good," he says. "Because I need to talk to you about something important and I'd prefer to do it face to face."
"What is it?" I am curious.
"I don't want to discuss it over the phone Tess," he explains. "It wouldn't be right, so I'll just see you tomorrow and if you get there before me, give her a kiss for me will you?"
He still has a little of that fatherly touch in him, I am glad to hear. "Sure, will do," I reply.
The next day I am up and at the hospital with Lily before Evan is even awake. I am so grateful they bend the visiting hours rules for parents of babies. It means I can come and go whenever I like and stay for as long as I want. And I never want to leave Lily's side.
She at last has the colour back in her cheeks, and is even awake when I creep into her room. Her beautiful blue eyes stare up at me and I can tell she's on the mend, ready to be back with Mummy. I sit in the armchair beside her and hold her hand with my left and a cup of coffee with my right, and look around the room before allowing my eyes to settle on my little girl. I can't stop looking at her, I've never been able to, from the moment she came into this world. She's just so beautiful.
It's just after nine and I can hear footsteps by the door. Josh appears and smiles at me before coming over and sitting in the chair beside me. He reaches over and strokes Lily's cheek and stares at her for a long time. At last he turns to speak to me.
"Have the doctors said anything else about how she's going?" he asks, his brow furrowed with worry. Concern takes over his eyes and he looks like he spent the night tossing and turning, just like I did.
"They are happy with how she is going, they think she can probably go home soon," I answer with a smile and look over at Lily. "They think it will be good for her to be back in a familiar environment, not one of four white walls and doctors and nurses buzzing around," I smile at him warmly.
"Great," he breathes out slowly. "I'm relieved. But there's something I need to let you know Tess, and you're probably not going to like it."
"Try me," I challenge him warily.
"I haven't told you, but my life hasn't been really going too well of late," he explains, not meeting my eyes. "I'm not with anyone at the moment, none of my relationships seem to work out, even ours," he chuckles quietly. "And I feel like I need a change. I need to get away from all this, all my problems, start a fresh."
"So you're going to run away?" I can't help but feel a little angry at him, even though I am guilty of exactly the same crime. "What about Lily?"
"That's what is making this all the more harder Tess, believe me. I didn't want to leave her, and you, and now that she's sick like this in hospital, I really don't want to, but I just can't go on living like this, it's not healthy," he looks torn. "I guess I am running away, but it feels like all I can do. Till my lifes end I love Lily, and you will always have a place in me too Tess, because we created this child together. Lil is something we are bound by, but I have accepted a position at Princess Margaret Hospital," he looks at me, waiting for my answer.
"Princess Margaret? But isn't that in..." I never quite finish.
"WA, yes," he takes my hand. "I need to do this. I'm sorry."
I shake my head, beginning to slowly understand. "Do you still want to be apart of Lily's life?" I ask.
"Of course Tess," he answers. "She's our daughter. I love her so much Tess, I will visit all the time, if you'll have me, and I am determined not to let her grow up not knowing who I am or what I look like."
I nod. Josh stands up and kisses my cheek and then turns to Lily and kisses her cheek also. He leans over and whispers something in her ear. I cannot hear what he is saying, but I have a fair idea of what it is. He turns back to me, I stand and we hug each other tightly and then he walks out of my life.
Two days later the doctors at last let me take Lily home. She needs rest they say, a chance to get over the commencement of the disease, and I carry her out to the car with Evan at my side. I feel reassured knowing he is right there beside me. He doesn't say a word as we get into the car and drive home. He knows I am still getting over Josh leaving mixed with the joy of taking my little girl home.
He is like a shadow, but a good one, and follows me into the nursery as I lay Lily down and tuck Evan's pink blanket securely around her. After a week of having difficulty sleeping, she settles down quickly and easily and breathes steadily as she sleeps. I stand by her cot and watch her drift into dreamland. While I watch her I become aware of Evan by my side. At last, there is someone standing by my shoulder, wanting to take care of me.
I turn around and we stare into each others eyes. "Lily's going to be ok now Tess," he whispers. He is so close to me I can feel the warmth from his body. He brushes the hair out of my eyes and cautiously I wrap my arms around his waist loosely. We stand like this for several minutes and at last he moves.
He cradles my face in his warm, loving hands and kisses me slowly, with so much love and so much respect. I don't know what to do; I just stand there and enjoy the taste of his lips. When he smiles I smile back and see the sparkle in his gorgeous eyes. He kisses me again, but this time with passion I can't help but return.
We both know going too fast could very well prove disastrous, and so he pulls away from me and takes my hand, leading me out of Lily's nursery and to the couch in my little lounge room. The late afternoon sun filters through the curtains, casting thin streaks of yellow on the walls and Evan never lets go of my hand, even as we sit down.
"I love you Tess," he whispers, kissing me tenderly again. It is what I've been needing to hear for so long now and I smile back at him. Later we creep past Lily's room to my bedroom and settle between the covers where I at last have someone next to me, and I know my bed will never be empty again.