The Trials of Seven

By: ChocolateEclar

Disclaimer: Regrettably, I do not own, nor am I receiving any profit from, the story this fanfic is based on. The Great Diana Wynne Jones has the pleasure of owning Archer's Goon.

Claimer: I simply own the plot and my personification of Archer, Shine, Dillian, Hathaway, Torquil, Erskine, and Venturus's parents, Matri and Agustivo Destinatus and their home planet, Caliga.

Full Summary: Have you ever wondered what Archer & his younger siblings were like as kids? Or why their parents kicked them out of their house? Or where they came from for that matter? (Later will tell what happened to Howard Sykes after Archer's Goon.)

A/N: I came up with this story February of 2003 after rereading Archer's Goon. Since then, it has sat in my computer, waiting to be completed. Now, over a year later, I found it and am rereading Archer's Goon…again. I hope you all enjoy this and see the little bits I put in to show just how the seven siblings became what they are today.

A/N 2: This is, as far as I know, the first AG fanfic on fanfiction.net. I hope this lives up to the designation. -

Author's Note

This book will prove the following eight facts:

1. What goes up, must come down in a blaze of wizardly rage.

2. When wizard parents decide they have had it with their children, they exile them to far off planets.

3. When seven wizards clash, the results are several explosions.

4. Young wizards have short attention spans.

5. It's difficult to trick the same person twice.

6. Even four against three isn't fair to the four.

7. A Goon not only melts into a foreground, he also tends to appear on one's doorstep unexpectedly.

8. Word power really is what counts in the end no matter the situation.

Chapter 1: Banished

Little Venturus made a long scrawling line with his pencil on a piece of blue paper. He was sitting at the kitchen table, while several crayons were lying on the wooden tabletop beside the stacks of doodles of spaceships. He looked up at the sound of his mother quarrelling with Hathaway. It was nothing new though, and soon the youngest member of the family returned to his drawing.

In the downstairs bathroom, Dillian was curling her golden locks before applying rouge to her lips and cheeks. She looked far too pretty and young. Erskine noted this to his elder sister as she vacated the lavatory. Dillian's face went blank with rage as she chucked a packet of curlers at her sibling. Erskine, who was already far taller than any of the others, couldn't move his whole body in time, and the packet bounced off his torso. Dillian sulked away, her flaxen hair bobbing in ringlets.

Torquil was strumming away at his violin upstairs, the gentle notes nearly drowned out by their mother's screeches. Hathaway's green eyes were dancing with mirth at his mother's antics, and he shrugged at her latest retort. This seemed to anger her even more for she proceeded to snarl further comments.

Venturus, who was already deaf to the clamor at the young age of five, had collected his treasured crayons and drawings and was now treading up the staircase; he went past Torquil's closed door and into the room he had to himself. While Torquil and Erskine shared one room, the youngest child had a room to himself. The only females of the seven siblings, Shine and Dillian, had shared a room a few years before but now had moved out of the house as had Archer and Hathaway before them. They had also shared a bedroom.

Venturus' room had been a storage room before the tot was born. It was the smallest room in the house and filled with models of spaceships and his doodles. Shine and Dillian were glad to have gone – for when living together they had constantly been at each other's throats, loathing splitting a room. They were quite the opposites. Dillian a pretty girly-girl, and Shine already a hooligan in the beginning of her young adult years.

Shine was absent from the house at the moment. After he had finished practicing, Torquil voiced his suspicion that she was probably out vandalizing a library or mugging an old lady to which their father firmly disagreed. "You're delusional," Torquil snapped, cocking his eyebrow at his father.

Dillian was now in her old room rearranging the furniture for old times sake with an expert flick of her wrist. She wasn't as good as Archer at what he called 'shifting matter,' but he used his abilities for machinery and the like, while she preferred to use them for fashion. Both utilized them to bend human wills to their own purposes, though it would be some time before they all would begin their "world farming" campaign.

Archer appeared for dinner that evening some time later, looking spruce even in a pair of overalls. His blue eyes didn't widen in surprise at the thought that Shine had vanished like their father's had, nor did he talk about anything but his "Project." He was obviously excited about it for every once and awhile the lights would brighten and the stove would spark.

Venturus, whose thoughts were wandering the cosmos in a spaceship, was yanked back into reality by the mentioning of the "Project." He looked curiously at the five siblings present and his parents. That was when Shine decided to make an appearance.

She was still fairly thin at this stage in her life. But was nevertheless adorned in black leather that consisted of a short skirt and a tight tank top. Her dark hair had been greased back and her lips painted black. She smirked at the muffled cry of her mother who had glimpsed the raven-black panther tattoo clawing up her shoulder. It looked fairly new, still red and quite swollen. Shine laughed and sat down at the dinner table, her eyes glinting.

Being High Councilman and Councilwoman, Agustivo and Matri Destinatus were naturally very resolute, and the sight of their eldest daughter in such a state made the air quiver with their fury. The lights flickered, and faint sparks danced along the floor. "I specifically told you, you couldn't have a tattoo, Shine," said Matri, her voice icy.

"Oh come on, Mother," said Shine, her grin widening. "You have one two, I got the idea from yours after all. Besides, I'm an adult. You can't boss me around!"

"Urgh!" shrieked Matri. "I got mine before I realized how stupid it was to get one! I was even younger than you are now!"

Venturus glanced from his mother to Shine, and then to his other siblings. They were tense as if they knew something bad was going to happen. He turned to his father who appeared to be thoroughly infuriated.

Matri had a tendency to pucker her lips when she was ready to destroy something. Her rages were worse then Archer's, and Venturus hid under the table. Sure enough, the light fixture above them exploded sending glass, bits of metal, and sparks flying. Everyone but Shine, Agustivo, and Matri winced. Venturus, who was shivering by Erskine's huge foot by then, let out a wail. From his seat, Hathaway lowered his head down under the table so that he was looking at Venturus. "It's alright, Ven," he whispered, patting the boy on his arm. "Mum'll forgive Shine – this time anyway – don't worry."

Venturus nodded, his fair hair brushing into his eyes. Hathaway and Erskine were the only ones of Venturus' brothers and sisters who had patience with the child. Even Torquil, who was only a few years older than Erskine, didn't tolerate Venturus. Perhaps if Torquil, Archer, Shine, and Dillian had, then Venturus wouldn't have turned out as spoiled and manipulative as his elder siblings.

"Get out of my sight!" Agustivo was screeching at Shine by then. "I never want to see you like that again or I'll exile you! I swear it!"

Venturus trembled again. He didn't know quite what his father meant by 'exile' but it sounded bad to the boy, so he feared it.

Later that night Venturus lay in bed wondering why they all seemed to hate each other. Torquil yelled at him when he followed him and Erskine around. Erskine would simply yell at Torquil to leave Venturus alone – to which Torquil would flare up in one of his mood swings. He didn't rage as badly as Archer though, which Venturus was certainly glad of.

Torquil called Venturus a limpet of all things. Venturus frowned at that. Mummy told them to watch me! he insisted to himself. He glanced at the older pictures of spaceships he had drawn that Erskine had hung up for him and smiled. Someday I'll build my own spaceship! One just like the one in my fav'rite picture! It'll be big and cool lookin', he thought. As sleep continued to evade the boy, he decided to tiptoe downstairs and look for something to do.

As he tiptoed past the bookcase in the front hallway, a book bound with brown leather caught his eye. Venturus grabbed it and realized it was the old photo album of them when everything had been more jovial. It had been stained when Shine had dropped mud on it when she was eight.

The first page had a picture of all nine of them. Venturus was a tiny baby in his mother's arms, while Matri stood in-between Agustivo and towering Erskine. On Erskine's right were Archer, Hathaway, and Torquil and on Agustivo's left was Shine and Dillian who had been forced to wear identical azure dresses. They all appeared to be happy, a moment frozen in time.

Venturus flipped to the next page and saw a picture of Torquil playing his violin and one of Archer using his chemistry set. Some of the vials were suspended in mid-air. Another image was of Erskine holding him as a baby and one more with Dillian in a long flowing pink gown performing in a play on a wooden stage. There was another with Hathaway and Torquil frowning at each other with Dillian and Shine pulling each other's hair in the background. It wasn't exactly a happy picture, but it was still unique.

The last picture was of Archer, as a small child, standing in front of their parents who were in their full formal High Union of Caliga attire. The clothes consisted of a golden sash with a cerulean suit underneath and a golden cylinder-like headdress with three red jewels in the center. Venturus had rarely seen these outfits. Beaming, he laughed at how silly his parents looked in their odd hats. Archer looked more normal as a child. He still had a bit of baby fat and wasn't abnormally attractive like he and the other eldest siblings were now.

Venturus yawned then, patting his mouth and setting the book back in the bookcase. He then walked up the stairs and plopped down on his bed. He was asleep in seconds.

The next day an argument broke out between two out of the three remaining children still living in the house in the kitchen. "Stop following me!" howled Torquil.

"Mummy told ya ta watch me!" Venturus whined.

"Well then go have Erskine watch you!"

"But he's drooling over Archer's new girlfriend!"

"Shud up!" hollered Erskine from the living room.

"Oh shut up to you too!" shrieked Torquil before turning back to Venturus. "Now go away, limpet!"

Venturus stuck out his tongue and yelled, grinning slightly, "MUM!"

Torquil gasped in horror. "You little –"

A clap of thunder rang through the kitchen and Torquil rapidly clamped his mouth shut. Venturus beamed innocently at Torquil who silently slide his index finger across his neck menacingly. The message was received loud and clear. You are so dead.

For the following few years, Venturus exploited Torquil and Erskine to the point where even Erskine looked a bit peeved. He didn't threaten his little brother like Torquil did though, which put him up highly on Venturus' list of people easily manipulated. Matri and Agustivo were trying to ignore the fact that their precious seventh child was getting spoiled and as badly as his senior siblings.

By then Archer was a member of the High Union, and Dillian was forming all-female clubs that totally adored her to the point of piety. As for Hathaway, he was trying to prefect his abilities and to learn how to create a trans-epoch portal. He was sure there was a way to travel to the past and future and back. He studied charts and timelines and looked over other peoples' failed attempts. It would be years before he actually succeeded.

Shine had formed her own gang that consisted of a couple hundred minions. She was already starting to get plumper, stretching her tattoo so that it was barely recognizable as a panther. She hadn't visited the rest of the family since that day when she had shown up with the fresh tattoo.

Torquil was learning how to play the piano and tended to pick very intentional times to practice like when his mother was about to scream at him for leaving his room in disarray. Instead she would smile at his musical achievements and leave him to his practicing.

Erskine tended to play with Venturus, keeping the youngest out of trouble as much as possible. It didn't always work though. "I don't wanna play that anymore!" Venturus would yowl.

"WAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!"The sound would ring out so loud that Torquil would come storming from practicing his piano in the living room and into the backyard where Erskine and Venturus where.

"Venturus, you'd better shut your darn mouth right now or I'll box your ears, you little beast!"screeched Torquil. Venturus would close his mouth instantly and cover his ears with his palms. Only Torquil could control the youngest of the seven.

A few minutes later the gentle sound of "Amazing Grace" filtered outside from the living room. It was Torquil's favorite Earth tune.

Venturus peered around at his family in silence. He was eighteen and adorned in a padded leather jacket and blue jeans, his hair flaxen and longish. He was about as tall as Erskine to his amusement but more properly proportioned. Archer, who was actually in a blue suit, was talking with Agustivo. They looked quite alike for Archer had his father's dark hair and blue eyes. Archer's eyes were bluer though.

Venturus looked more like Matri who had emerald green eyes and fair tresses. Dillian looked quite like Matri as well, but her locks were more wavy and a brighter gold. She looked ethereal in a fairytale princess gown. It was pink and puffy, and she had a sparkling necklace, tiny tiara, and a bracelet to complete the ensemble.

Beside her was Torquil who seemed to be trying to be "King of the Jungle." He had imitation leopard skin pants, a loose green shirt, and a jaguar medallion on a leather cord around his neck. His eyes were outlined in red and his dark curls were flattened out into straight strips. Venturus had to choke out a laugh at the sight of Torquil who heard and shot him a dark glare.

Venturus abruptly looked away, spotting Hathaway who was chatting with Erskine. Hathaway was beginning to grow a ginger beard and Erskine was looking more huge and goon-like than ever. He towered over everyone else. His small head was high up even though he was sitting and was toped with a bit of fair hair.

Venturus started, with mild surprise, at the sight of Shine, leaning against the neat white fence surrounding the yard. She was vast in her usual black leather that creaked when she shifted her weight and glowered at Venturus. Venturus grinned cheekily and ducked as one of his mother's flowerpots went flying at his head from out of nowhere. The others turned and finally noticed Shine. Matri and Agustivo frowned slightly, and the six siblings smirked.

Venturus picked broken pottery out of his yellow tresses and straightened up. "Nice to see you too, sis," he said, chuckling.

Shine sent a wave of bitter force at his mind causing the youngest to wince faintly. He countered it, as only the seventh child could, with a firm position of mind. Shine's frown deepened, and the press on Venturus lifted. He grinned again, and Shine stepped forward. Her leather groaned as she walked.

A family row was coming. Venturus could feel it in the very air. His mother and father hated when they tried to use their powers on each other, and they were going to have to because lines of loyalty had been drawn among the seven.

A gunshot rang out, but no one in the neighborhood flinched or looked about wonderingly. It was a normal enough occurrence among families there, and the family at the end of the block was no exception.

Several angry cries, sounds of breaking ceramic and glass, and a clap of thunder followed the shot. Sparks flashed across the street, and another clap of thunder resonated. Lightning lit up the sky.

In the backyard of the mansion on the corner of the road, a woman with golden curls was screeching at a teenage boy with lighter blonde hair. Sparks were flying from the electric blue eyes of a man with dark tresses who was shouting at both of the others.

An overweight woman with dark hair was aiming a gun at an older couple and a huge man with a tiny head and fair hair. After awhile, the man tried to wrestle the gun from the woman's grasp, and she pulled the trigger, narrowly missing the man.

Meanwhile two men, one with dark hair and safari-like attire and the other with fair hair, green eyes and a carroty beard, were arguing passionately. The grass beneath their feet was on fire, and the nearby hedges were scorched.

The elder couple stared on as the other seven fought for a while longer. Soon the seven were all yelling at each other and the oldest woman, one of the duet, screamed over the others shouts, "STOP IT! STOP IT NOW!"

The silence was thick and heavy as the seven turned to their mother. "We've had enough with all of you," said their father, Agustivo, in a frighteningly calm voice. It meant the worst was about to happen and the Destinatus' children tensed. "You all will be exiled immediately. It is our right as your parents."

"WHAAAAAT?" screeched seven voices at once.

"You-You can't do that to me!" yelled the man with the electric blue eyes, Archer.

"Why not, Archer, dear?" inquired his mother, Matri. She too now was terrifyingly calm, but her voice was strained in a tight choked way, and she was puckering her lips.

Venturus glanced at his siblings. They wouldn't exile all of them, right? After all, he was their precious seventh child. As if he had read Venturus' mind, Agustivo said, "All of you will never be allowed in Caliga again."

"But why, Daddy?" queried Dillian in her most saccharine voice.

"You will realize why someday, I hope," replied Agustivo.

"So you're going to exiled us like common brats?" demanded Torquil in one of his moods.

From one extreme to the other, thought Venturus numbly. Next he'll be depressed.

Torquil didn't disappoint Venturus for as Agustivo answered a great distraught expression weighed down on Torquil's face. "You may all be more highly gifted than normal, but that doesn't mean you have to act like real brats."

Shine fired her gun up at the overcast sky. "Urgh! You can't do this to me! Me and my gang'll kill all of ya!" she howled.

"AGUSTIVO, LET'S DO THIS NOW!" screamed Matri.

Agustivo nodded. "Whether it was our fault or yours that you all ended up this way, I don't know, but now I don't care either," said Agustivo to the seven.

All seven were looking like they had swallowed an orange pit. Hathaway and Erskine had said nothing – too dismayed for words. All were pale and ill looking. A musty feeling gathered in the air as their parents gathered the strength to send them across space.

Little did they know they what would happen to them in the years to come.

A/N: Next chapter: Howard! Awful! Quentin! Catriona! Expect all of them to appear.

A/N 2: REVIEW! Please? Por favor? I need to know what you think of this! Bye!