Disclaimer: Ev'rything belongs to Rowling,
Every last little bit.
Which is prob'ly why she is worth millions,
And we, frankly, do not own sh-t.
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A/N: Hi again! It's us, the evil dilettantes from Venus! We don't feel like studying for exams at the moment,sowe wrote another chapter as a pathetic means of rebelling against the education system. And it's working
(not really)! Okay now, a million thanks to Prettiest in Pink (Aw, you're so nice!), Pullmanlover (for being
such a great reviewer!), Crystal (you lucky girl!), GeekGurl (you like us, you really like us!), Miss Piratess,and
Sailor-Helios (you're great!). And now for a crazed fangirl rant from Sarah:
Oh my God! Miss Piratess, THE Miss Piratess, the Goddess of fan fiction, actually reviewed our pathetic story! Thank you SO much, your Holiness, for lowering yourself to read this piece of rub- MMPH! (Sarah is gagged, put in a straitjacket, and carted off by Sophia to the Eustace X. Frebblemeyer Detention Center for People Incurably Obsessed with Fan Fiction).
Okay -cough-, now that that's taken care of, we do want to say that we upped the rating a bit for this
chapter,because of some ahem..."comments" that Hermione makes. Enjoy!
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Diary of Hermione Granger, Rescuer of Small, Furry, AnimalsDecember 8
Dear Diary,
point on homework assignments. At least, that's what everyone sees in me. Especially Ron. They all see me
as a walking, talking dictionary/encyclopedia/combination of every single book that exists. Hmm. If I were a
book, what would I be...? No doubt Hogwarts: A History, with 129,909,349.5 footnotes and appendices,
especially designed to bore the hell out of everyone. Such is my wonderful life.
Ugh. All right, enough with this depressing spiel. I don't know what brought that on. I am sitting in a
spare classroom, writing, while Ron is trying (trying) to properly brew Citus Potente, commonly known as
Atalanta's Poison, designed to improve reflexes and muscle coordination, and increase strength and heart
capacity. Why? Because Snape has threatened to fail him if he blows up his cauldron again, like he did in the
last lesson. I honestly don't know why Snape wants us to brew Atalanta's Poison anyway; it sounds rather
like the magical version of steroids. No wonder the Department of Magical Games and Sports has banned
Quiddditch players from using it.
Ron of course, has dragged me along to help him with this little potion- making session, because, I
quote, "When you help me with potions and all, Hermione, it's just like having Snape around, only without
so much grease." Gee, thanks, Ron. No wonder I am in such an awful mood. When we first arrived at the
classroom, he wondered why I kept "writing in a teeny little book", but I just told him that I was doing a
special extra-credit project for Flitwick. When he asked why, I couldn't think of a good lie, and like an idiot,
replied, "Because...um...it's Wednesday." What's even worse is that he believed me. He must think me to
have no life other than school! Which is kind of true, now that I think about it. As irritated as I am right now,
I just can't get mad at him because he's just too...too...(damn it, Hermione, just say it!)...cute. There, I
admitted it! I think Ron's cute. It is perfectly all right for a girl to think that her friend is cute, right? Right?
Wait, what is Ron putting in his cauldron? Are those dried mouse ears? NO...he's supposed to put in
dried lice, not dried mice! Oh God, what's happening? He's shrinking...oh, this can't be good, this can't be
good! He's just vanished into a pile of clothes and...Oh NO....
Ron Weasley has just changed from a 6-foot-tall gangly teenager into a little, reddish, mouse. This is not good...wait, he just ran away!
Mrs. Weasley is going to KILL me...
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Later
I can't find Ron! I've looked everywhere, in the kitchens, in the common room, in the library (though why
he would be there, I have no idea), various classrooms, the Astronomy Tower, and Hagrid' hut! Where
could he be? Oh, I do hope that he hasn't been eaten by any animals...
Oh no! CROOKSHANKS! What if he's found Ron? What if he's shredded him to bits? No, RON!!! I
must find Crookshanks now!!! I'll save you Ron!!!
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Even Later
I found Crookshanks in my room, and he looked...bloated. I panicked for a moment, and hit my poor kitty
with a Regurgitation Charm. Not a good idea. He vomited all over the dormitory. Now he's really cranky, and
won't come at all near me. Well, at least I didn't find any mouse parts among the...regurgitations, only some
bits of birds. However, my dormitory still smells like Hagrid's "homemade" sausages. Ugh....
Right, I need to find out what Ron has done to his potion. A small trip to the library is in order here...
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A Lot Later
All right, after some major searching in the library, I finally found the cause of Ron's "new look".
Apparently, the idiot accidentally created Potion Souris, a draught that turns the drinker into a mouse
(obviously). The only way to reverse the results is to drench the person-turned-mouse in Chanel No. 5 and
then kiss him on the nose. Coco Chanel must have been a witch, since her products are available in the
wizarding world. The wizard who created this potion must have had a twisted sense of humor. Now where am
I going to find Chanel No. 5? Hmm...
I know, Malfoy! That ponce always had too much of a liking for perfume...
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Even More Later...
All right, I borrowed Harry's Invisibility Cloak and snuck into the Slytherin Common Room. Slytherins
are debauched! I saw Zabini and Bulstrode French-kissing right in the middle of the common room, and I am
fairly certain that I saw Crabbe and Goyle sneaking behind a pillar to snog. Ugh, that's a disgusting image!
Anyway, I found my way into Malfoy's room. It was lavishly decorated, colored green and silver, and was
covered with several large, moving, pictures of Orlando Blossom, the latest singing sensation in the
wizarding world. Malfoy is even stranger than I originally thought. Sure enough, I found Chanel No. 5
(along with the entire Chanel line) and quickly scurried out. Although, I did take along one of his posters,
because Orlando is so hot! Yummy...Right, must prevent self from slipping into perverted fantasies and think
of how to find Ron, now!
All right, now that I have the key ingredient, how am I supposed to find Ron? Hmm...Oh! I can't believe
that I didn't think of this before! I can use the Marauder's Map! Brilliant thinking, Hermione!
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So Much Later That I am Becoming Sick of Writing "Later" Over and Over Again
Success! Using the Map, I found Ron in Snape's dungeon, of all places, crouching beneath Snape's
desk. After trying fruitlessly for hours to catch Ron (well, at least his reflexes have improved), I finally
Summoned him onto a desk and poured Chanel all over him. What a stench! Ron squeaked loudly and tried
to run back under a desk, but I quickly grabbed him and smacked a big, wet, kiss on his nose...
Well, the cure worked. What I didn't realize is that when Ron morphed back into a human, he would be
naked. Oops. But I can say that Ron has certainly...grown. Well, you know what they say about people with
big hands and big feet...
Hermione, get your mind out of the gutter right now! Well, once I had stopped staring, I began taking
off my cloak, so that Ron could have something to cover his privates (Pity. No, must not think like that!).
Unfortunately, at that moment Snape walked in, and saw a stark naked Ron standing in front of his desk, as
well as me apparently removing my clothes.
He did not react in a positive manner.
To make a long story short, both Ron and I have lost 50 points from Gryffindor for "indecent activities"
and "traumatizing a Head of House". This will not look good on my school record. On the bright side, at
least Ron isn't a mouse anymore! Speaking of which, I must now go yell at him for being such an ignoramus!
Ta-ta!
Affectionately,
Hermione
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A/N: We really like this chapter, for once, now that we've finished it. It's actually sort of long (for us at least)!
We also wish to say that we do love Draco Malfoy, despite our trashing of him; we have absolutely nothing
against the gay community, and we think that Orlando Bloom is good- looking, in a really girly way, and we
couldn't resist sticking him in the story somehow. Oh yeah, and this fic probably won't contain any pairings
other than R/Hr, because we would really like to simply focus on them. Read and review!
Love, Sarah and Sophia.
PS: Yeah, Hermione sounds pretty American, but we're not good enough at writing fan fiction (yet) to make
her sound British. But we think we're improving, right? Right?
Oh, well, we're trying, anyways : )