The Trials of Seven

By: ChocolateEclar

Disclaimer: I do not own, nor am I receiving any profit from, the story this fanfic is based on. The Great Diana Wynne Jones has the pleasure of owning Archer's Goon.

Claimer: I simply own the plot and my personification of Archer, Shine, Dillian, Hathaway, Torquil, Erskine, and Venturus's parents, Matri and Agustivo Destinatus and their home planet, Caliga.

To passivor: Thank you very much! Technically, I wrote the first chapter and most of the second last year, but as I've been rereading Archer's Goon again, I've noticed I really was paying attention to detail. Now, I just have to replicate that detail throughout.

To MaidM: Egg salad job? Huh? Is that a good thing?

I'm glad you like the idea of Archer's Goon fanfiction. I thought it would add more flavor to the DWJ section on fanfiction.net – not to mention give me good practice. I've always loved Archer's Goon and how DWJ never outright states "what" the seven wizard siblings are – just that they're not from here.

Yes, I love writing about "Ickle!Venturus." As one of the main characters, Howard has always been my favorite of the seven because he's so real. He's just trying to outdo his older siblings. I am the older of two sisters, but I can still relate to wanting to be superior to others. Ickle!Venturus doesn't really appear in this chapter, but expect him in the future. Thanks for the review!

Chapter 2: Recovery

Howard Sykes frowned at his younger sister, Awful, who was cursing several schoolboys of her own age. It was a relatively familiar scene, and one Howard refused to involve himself in ever again. If Awful wanted to anger a bunch of boys, then so be it. As long as Awful didn't do anything too serious, then he would leave her be.

Howard, without realizing he was, melted into the wall across the street from Awful's school where he had been standing. He looked down at himself, which was rather difficult when you're a part of a brick wall, and realized his whole body was covered in brick-like lines. He couldn't help but grin slightly. A memory returned of him as a little Venturus becoming part of his mother's flower garden to escape a thrashing from Torquil. He had made fun of Torquil's piano playing, which was a sensitive spot indeed.

Howard waited for Awful to stroll away triumphantly from the boys. By then, Howard had removed himself from the wall with quite a bit of effort and was stepping towards Awful who doubled over in laughter at the sight of him.

"What?" asked Howard irately.

"Y-Your face!" Awful choked out in between laughs.

Howard looked at his face in the window of a tailor shop and grinned. It did look odd having a forehead with a brick pattern on it. He scrunched up his nose in concentration, and the pattern vanished thankfully. His powers were improving as his fourteenth birthday approached, as were his memories of being Venturus.

The recollection of his parents exiling them all was a bit painful. They had been brats. The power had gone right to all of their heads and, as Erskine had said, he had been a worse kid than Awful. I was a spoiled brat, Howard thought glumly. I swear I won't be like that again though. He watched Awful out of the corner of his eye as they walked home together. He had felt like walking with her today and now wished he hadn't. It had brought too many raw memories.

Howard sighed. Erskine had been gone for a few months, and Torquil had visited Hathaway and returned saying someday he would stay with Hathaway and never return, but until then he would visit the past as often as possible.

As far as Howard knew, his spaceship had pulled through and gotten rid of the elder three, Fifi, and three of Shine's men. Then again, he supposed he would probably know if it hadn't. He had designed the ship after all. Howard still felt a bit like he wasn't Venturus, and he was glad for it. As Howard, he had only drawn spaceships on paper and dreamed of building them. As Venturus, he had programmed robots to make a real spaceship for him. Now the spaceship was gone, taking Archer, Dillian, and Shine with it to the younger fours' relief.

Howard glanced at Awful who was kicking stones across the sidewalk as they ambled home. He was determined to keep her from becoming like Shine. He owed that to Quentin and Catriona for adopting him twice after all. (Not even money could pay for all the trouble he had caused them.) As for Quentin, he was still teaching at the Polytechnic and was working furiously on an idea for a book he had recently come up with, while Catriona was still a music teacher.

Thinking of the adoption made him think of his real parents. Were Matri and Agustivo still alive? Probably. Did they regret exiling the seven? Probably not. Howard didn't dwell too much on it though. They would never be welcome on their home planet ever again.

As he realized this, Howard began to regain memories of how it had been like when they had first reached Earth.

Life had been harsh for the seven Destinatus siblings after they had been exiled to Earth. Well, as harsh as life can be when you are a wizard on a strange new world. Venturus, who had had less time to use his powers beforehand for transportation than the others, was the only sibling to land flat on his back. Even Dillian landed gracefully on her high heals.

"Well," she said with a sniff. "That was certainly cruel." They were standing in a field with a town off in the distance.

"Cruel doesn't begin to describe it, Dillian," Archer snapped.

"Oh speak for yourself!" roared Torquil. "We knew this would happen someday! Mother and Father are jealous of us!"

Climbing to his feet, Venturus brushed off his padded jacket. "This isn't my fault you know. I'm too young to have done anything," he claimed.

"You little beast! This is so your fault!" hollered Torquil.

"Yes!" agreed Dillian. "You're the one who was still living with Mother and Father!"

"Enough! This isn't the time!" shouted Hathaway. His green eyes glinted dangerously. "What have I done to deserve such rotten siblings?"

"Rotten siblings?" repeated Torquil. "Rotten siblings? You're as bad as Venturus! You're as much to blame as us!"

"Shud up!" growled Erskine. He advanced towards them, towering above them. "No use arguing. Just need to deal with being exiled."

"Ah, a man of few words," mumbled Torquil.

"Don't you dare order me to shut up, darling!" yelled Dillian. And the fighting began again.

Howard sighed. We give "dysfunctional family" a new meaning, he thought dryly. They were so different from the Sykes family. It felt good to be a part of such normalcy after being in kindred with wizardly aliens.

Howard smiled as Awful and him walked down their own street. Perfect normalcy. No screams or explosions here, he thought. They reached 10 Upper Park Street. Awful skipped through the front door, as Howard opened it, and into the kitchen. Thankfully, it was Goon-free. As much as Howard wouldn't have minded seeing his brother, Erskine tended to be too large for any one room.

It made him think of hide-and-seek when he was younger…the first time. Even if Erskine used his powers, it was still easy to find him.

Howard shook his head to keep the thoughts from surfacing too much. It felt like they did that too often, clouding his mind. It made it hard to concentrate on schoolwork, which he decided to do right before dinner. Catriona wasn't home yet, and Quentin was in the front room with Awful, shouting at the television.

Howard pulled his mathematics homework out of his new bag of books. At the end of the last school year it had been decided that taping the old one Erskine had sliced just would not due anymore. Thinking about the bag made Howard's mind slip again – this time back to the day "the Goon" had appeared in that very kitchen. Groaning, Howard turned his attention back to his homework and began to work out and scribble answers.

It was about a half an hour later that Catriona Sykes arrived, pinching the bridge of her nose against a headache. Howard had already started a pot of coffee for her and quickly stood and poured a cup out. Catriona took the cup with one hand and breathed in its scent before sipping at it. Slowly opening her eyes, she asked, "How was school?"

Shrugging, Howard sat down by his homework – across from her. "The usual," he replied.

"You had better practice your violin tonight," said Catriona.

She never treated Howard differently. It made him pleased to know that life in the Sykes family could still go on even knowing he wasn't normal in any way.

"You cheated!" came a shriek from the front room.

"I did not, Awful!" Quentin yelled back.

Both Catriona and Howard sighed and grinned. Howard wasn't the only abnormal one.

A/N: Next chapter: expect one of the other siblings to make an appearance! Anyone want to make a guess? Hehe.

A/N 2: Remember: Please, please, please REVIEW!