Author's note: this is the longest chapter so far. its also my favorite.
surprise ending to come! happy readings!
Dinner conversation was scarce for Sandy and Kirsten as they searched for words of sympathy to offer Ryan and Theresa for their loss. Seth on the other hand was like a bouncy puppy with his favorite chewbone back. He continued on and on over the first half hour about his unbelievable trip to Ecuador and his heart wrenching break up with Summer, etcetera etcetera etcetera. Finally, noticing the sense of boredom and distraction in everyone else's face he shut up.
"So, Ryan, Theresa," Sandy said gently. "Are you guys doing okay?" His earnest eyes looked straight into Theresa's as he said this. Expertly she shifted her eyes away, beneath the table her fingers began tap incessantly against her skirt. Intuitively, Ryan shifted his left hand from his lap to hers, and immediately her fingers coiled themselves around him.
"Yeah, so how are baby things?" Seth asked nonchalantly, stuffing another forkful of roast chicken into his mouth. Theresa looked at Ryan, who in turn looked back at Theresa, before the two turned to look at Sandy. An elephant of awkwardness danced on the dinner table as the three shared glances and Kirsten filled her wineglass once more.
"Hello?" Seth drew the attention back to him.
"There's no baby." Ryan said simply. As the words left his lips, Theresa's fingernails tattooed crescent moons unto his palm. Slightly wincing in pain, Ryan gave Seth a meaningful look.
"What do you me-"Realization dawned on Seth suddenly. "Oh. You guys. I'm so sorry. I really honestly am. Are you okay?" Theresa opened her mouth to speak, but nothing came out, just the thick breath of sadness.
"Seth, honey, I think they're still figuring that out." Kirsten answered for the couple.
"Actually..." Ryan disagreed.
"Actually, I've decided that I'm going to leave California for a while. I'm heading to Atlanta to my cousin's for a while." Theresa continued for Ryan. "My flight is later tonight actually. It seems cowardly to be running out, but I just can't.. can't..." She swallowed hard and ordered herself not to cry again. She felt drained of tears. They had spilled down her face, unto her dress, on the car upholstery, on Ryan's fingers, the whole car ride from Chino. She didn't want to cry anymore.
Soft fingers began gliding up and down her fore arm. Ryan eyes smile at her, though his lips say nothing. She nods her head gently, signaling for him to start speaking.
"So, uh, since she's going to be heading out. Is it alright if I come back here?" Ryan said softly. Sparkles of happiness and relief radiate from the Cohens. They reassure him over and over again that he's not imposing and that legally, he has to stay with them, so not to feel bad. Seth smiles widely at his brother, knowing that he and Ryan will go back to everything just the way it was.
XXX
After dinner, they are all seated in the living room, pleasantly talking about small matters. No one wants to face the bigger questions. No one wants to ask Ryan whether he's okay with Theresa moving. No one wants to ask whether the couple is still together. They just sit and talk and have wine, which Theresa can now drink, Kirsten notes in her mind.
"Theresa, could you come with me to the kitchen for a moment?" Kirsten asks, getting up off the couch and heading towards the kitchen. Theresa lets go of Ryan's hand for the first time since he took it during dinner. Without it, her hands are cold and empty. She hates this feeling. It's the feeling that permeates her soul whenever Ryan is gone. Wondering why Kirsten has asked her into the kitchen, she walks slowly through the luxurious home of the Cohens. Theresa wants to open up to Kirsten and tell her all the secret doubts and fears she has, for some reason there is a connection between the two women. Kirsten has a fondness for this girl, even stronger than the like she had for Marissa. Scolding herself, Kirsten tells herself not to compare Ryan's two girlfriends.
"Yes, Mrs. Cohen?" Theresa says entering the kitchen.
"Are you okay? Really. I just need to know. I can't put you on a plane to Atlanta-"
"I'm taking the bus, Mrs. Cohen."
"No, Sandy just booked you on the eight o'clock flight to Atlanta."
"Mrs. Cohen, I can't take anymore from you and your husband really, the bus would be ju-"Theresa protests the handout. She hates feeling like the charity case whenever she enters this home. Aware that the Cohens are a naturally generous and kind family, Theresa still thoroughly despises pity.
"Theresa, we're doing this for ourselves too you know. I'd worry night and day while you rode that bus. At least now, I can call you in two hours and know you're safe with your cousin." Kirsten convincingly explains to the younger woman. Quite aware of Theresa's dislike of pity and handouts, Kirsten has honestly and craftily made an excuse for why this gift is necessary.
"Thank you."
"Theresa, please tell me how you're feeling." Kirsten pleads softly, placing a supportive hand on Theresa's shoulder.
"I'm not going to cry, Mrs. Cohen." Theresa swallows hard, clasping her wineglass tightly. "But honestly, I feel broken. I've lost a part of me... a part of Ryan. That's why I have to go. I can't be anywhere near anything that reminds me of him and me and how happy we would have been." Against her will, a tear appears at the corner of her eye. But she continues speaking anyway. "I'm not going to kid myself, thinking we'd have a happy life if I did have the baby. But I know that Ryan and I would have made a happy family. That's what I know in my heart. Our baby would have had a mother and a father and more.. much more than enough..." She gasps for breath and cannot continue.
"More than enough what?" Kirsten presses.
"Love." The word creeps through Theresa's lips in a small hiss, in a mixture of sound and gasp for air. She clenches her jaw shut to prevent a sob from escaping. Leaning her head backwards, her eyes flicker in search for the strength to speak some more. Just at that moment, Ryan enters the kitchen in search for more water.
Standing frozen in the doorway, he watched the woman that once carried his child begin to break in to tears for the millionth time in the past 24 hours. He turns his head, unable to bear this sight again. He should have been used to it by now. He should have been able to prevent his heart from squeezing itself into a pretzel over and over again. But the simple sound of his girlfriend- best friend- old friend- Theresa sobbing caused Ryan's heart to fill with an toxin that poisoned all happiness within him. He couldn't bear it.
XXX
Later that night, with the Ryan and the Cohens, Theresa climbed into the Range Rover. Her suitcase was tucked safely in the back but still she squirmed, sitting between Seth's non-stop chatter and the soothing scent of Ryan's aftershave. Her hand was still enclosed in his, but her mind was a thousand miles away from him... or at least trying to head in that direction. Everything was Ryan to her. She searched for a memory without him. So there had been Eddie, but all the things he did for he, each sentence he spoke, she wondered what Ryan would have said or done. When he first raised his hand to attack her face, she imagined Ryan standing in the doorway and kicking it open to pummel Eddie to the ground. Ryan. Ryan. Ryan. Every moment in time, he wasn't just with her, away from, on her, near her, in her- he was eternally embedded in her being. He was a part of her. Too big a part. A part that she needed to learn to live without.
As all five people sat in the car without speaking, the vocal stylings of the Goo Goo Dolls surrounded them. In a random search for a radio station, Sandy had come across a love song station.
"And all I can taste is this moment And all I can breathe is your life And sooner or later it's over I just don't want to miss you tonight"
Ryan's eyes dart immediately into Theresa's. It was about two summers ago that they lay on the hood of her brother's car with this song blaring into the night air. They had just lay there all night, first watching the stars, then counting them until finally the stars disappeared and they sat together watching the heavy blue black sky morph into layers of orange, pink, lavender and finally a silky baby blue. He had kissed her just as the final sweep of baby blue took over the sky, it had been just as the song ended.
Theresa looks back at Ryan and cannot help but smile. Honest and caring his eyes are tonight. At times they block out all emotion, at times she sees nothing but a reflection of herself. She wants to say so many things to him. Words that she tried to bring to life through her lips but couldn't. They dart through her mind from all direction. Oh Ryan. How will I survive with you so far away? Ryan, I meant what I said about needing to get away. I love you. Truly. More than you will ever know. You have to understand that. But please, I also need to be me. I need that almost as much as I need you. And when I find me, we can... We'll be us. The way we were always supposed to.
The car comes to definitive halt. They've reached the airport.
Dinner conversation was scarce for Sandy and Kirsten as they searched for words of sympathy to offer Ryan and Theresa for their loss. Seth on the other hand was like a bouncy puppy with his favorite chewbone back. He continued on and on over the first half hour about his unbelievable trip to Ecuador and his heart wrenching break up with Summer, etcetera etcetera etcetera. Finally, noticing the sense of boredom and distraction in everyone else's face he shut up.
"So, Ryan, Theresa," Sandy said gently. "Are you guys doing okay?" His earnest eyes looked straight into Theresa's as he said this. Expertly she shifted her eyes away, beneath the table her fingers began tap incessantly against her skirt. Intuitively, Ryan shifted his left hand from his lap to hers, and immediately her fingers coiled themselves around him.
"Yeah, so how are baby things?" Seth asked nonchalantly, stuffing another forkful of roast chicken into his mouth. Theresa looked at Ryan, who in turn looked back at Theresa, before the two turned to look at Sandy. An elephant of awkwardness danced on the dinner table as the three shared glances and Kirsten filled her wineglass once more.
"Hello?" Seth drew the attention back to him.
"There's no baby." Ryan said simply. As the words left his lips, Theresa's fingernails tattooed crescent moons unto his palm. Slightly wincing in pain, Ryan gave Seth a meaningful look.
"What do you me-"Realization dawned on Seth suddenly. "Oh. You guys. I'm so sorry. I really honestly am. Are you okay?" Theresa opened her mouth to speak, but nothing came out, just the thick breath of sadness.
"Seth, honey, I think they're still figuring that out." Kirsten answered for the couple.
"Actually..." Ryan disagreed.
"Actually, I've decided that I'm going to leave California for a while. I'm heading to Atlanta to my cousin's for a while." Theresa continued for Ryan. "My flight is later tonight actually. It seems cowardly to be running out, but I just can't.. can't..." She swallowed hard and ordered herself not to cry again. She felt drained of tears. They had spilled down her face, unto her dress, on the car upholstery, on Ryan's fingers, the whole car ride from Chino. She didn't want to cry anymore.
Soft fingers began gliding up and down her fore arm. Ryan eyes smile at her, though his lips say nothing. She nods her head gently, signaling for him to start speaking.
"So, uh, since she's going to be heading out. Is it alright if I come back here?" Ryan said softly. Sparkles of happiness and relief radiate from the Cohens. They reassure him over and over again that he's not imposing and that legally, he has to stay with them, so not to feel bad. Seth smiles widely at his brother, knowing that he and Ryan will go back to everything just the way it was.
XXX
After dinner, they are all seated in the living room, pleasantly talking about small matters. No one wants to face the bigger questions. No one wants to ask Ryan whether he's okay with Theresa moving. No one wants to ask whether the couple is still together. They just sit and talk and have wine, which Theresa can now drink, Kirsten notes in her mind.
"Theresa, could you come with me to the kitchen for a moment?" Kirsten asks, getting up off the couch and heading towards the kitchen. Theresa lets go of Ryan's hand for the first time since he took it during dinner. Without it, her hands are cold and empty. She hates this feeling. It's the feeling that permeates her soul whenever Ryan is gone. Wondering why Kirsten has asked her into the kitchen, she walks slowly through the luxurious home of the Cohens. Theresa wants to open up to Kirsten and tell her all the secret doubts and fears she has, for some reason there is a connection between the two women. Kirsten has a fondness for this girl, even stronger than the like she had for Marissa. Scolding herself, Kirsten tells herself not to compare Ryan's two girlfriends.
"Yes, Mrs. Cohen?" Theresa says entering the kitchen.
"Are you okay? Really. I just need to know. I can't put you on a plane to Atlanta-"
"I'm taking the bus, Mrs. Cohen."
"No, Sandy just booked you on the eight o'clock flight to Atlanta."
"Mrs. Cohen, I can't take anymore from you and your husband really, the bus would be ju-"Theresa protests the handout. She hates feeling like the charity case whenever she enters this home. Aware that the Cohens are a naturally generous and kind family, Theresa still thoroughly despises pity.
"Theresa, we're doing this for ourselves too you know. I'd worry night and day while you rode that bus. At least now, I can call you in two hours and know you're safe with your cousin." Kirsten convincingly explains to the younger woman. Quite aware of Theresa's dislike of pity and handouts, Kirsten has honestly and craftily made an excuse for why this gift is necessary.
"Thank you."
"Theresa, please tell me how you're feeling." Kirsten pleads softly, placing a supportive hand on Theresa's shoulder.
"I'm not going to cry, Mrs. Cohen." Theresa swallows hard, clasping her wineglass tightly. "But honestly, I feel broken. I've lost a part of me... a part of Ryan. That's why I have to go. I can't be anywhere near anything that reminds me of him and me and how happy we would have been." Against her will, a tear appears at the corner of her eye. But she continues speaking anyway. "I'm not going to kid myself, thinking we'd have a happy life if I did have the baby. But I know that Ryan and I would have made a happy family. That's what I know in my heart. Our baby would have had a mother and a father and more.. much more than enough..." She gasps for breath and cannot continue.
"More than enough what?" Kirsten presses.
"Love." The word creeps through Theresa's lips in a small hiss, in a mixture of sound and gasp for air. She clenches her jaw shut to prevent a sob from escaping. Leaning her head backwards, her eyes flicker in search for the strength to speak some more. Just at that moment, Ryan enters the kitchen in search for more water.
Standing frozen in the doorway, he watched the woman that once carried his child begin to break in to tears for the millionth time in the past 24 hours. He turns his head, unable to bear this sight again. He should have been used to it by now. He should have been able to prevent his heart from squeezing itself into a pretzel over and over again. But the simple sound of his girlfriend- best friend- old friend- Theresa sobbing caused Ryan's heart to fill with an toxin that poisoned all happiness within him. He couldn't bear it.
XXX
Later that night, with the Ryan and the Cohens, Theresa climbed into the Range Rover. Her suitcase was tucked safely in the back but still she squirmed, sitting between Seth's non-stop chatter and the soothing scent of Ryan's aftershave. Her hand was still enclosed in his, but her mind was a thousand miles away from him... or at least trying to head in that direction. Everything was Ryan to her. She searched for a memory without him. So there had been Eddie, but all the things he did for he, each sentence he spoke, she wondered what Ryan would have said or done. When he first raised his hand to attack her face, she imagined Ryan standing in the doorway and kicking it open to pummel Eddie to the ground. Ryan. Ryan. Ryan. Every moment in time, he wasn't just with her, away from, on her, near her, in her- he was eternally embedded in her being. He was a part of her. Too big a part. A part that she needed to learn to live without.
As all five people sat in the car without speaking, the vocal stylings of the Goo Goo Dolls surrounded them. In a random search for a radio station, Sandy had come across a love song station.
"And all I can taste is this moment And all I can breathe is your life And sooner or later it's over I just don't want to miss you tonight"
Ryan's eyes dart immediately into Theresa's. It was about two summers ago that they lay on the hood of her brother's car with this song blaring into the night air. They had just lay there all night, first watching the stars, then counting them until finally the stars disappeared and they sat together watching the heavy blue black sky morph into layers of orange, pink, lavender and finally a silky baby blue. He had kissed her just as the final sweep of baby blue took over the sky, it had been just as the song ended.
Theresa looks back at Ryan and cannot help but smile. Honest and caring his eyes are tonight. At times they block out all emotion, at times she sees nothing but a reflection of herself. She wants to say so many things to him. Words that she tried to bring to life through her lips but couldn't. They dart through her mind from all direction. Oh Ryan. How will I survive with you so far away? Ryan, I meant what I said about needing to get away. I love you. Truly. More than you will ever know. You have to understand that. But please, I also need to be me. I need that almost as much as I need you. And when I find me, we can... We'll be us. The way we were always supposed to.
The car comes to definitive halt. They've reached the airport.