I don't own Harry Potter. Otherwise, I would be drinking a margarita instead for typing in the cold. That's pathetic you know.
RPL Stands for Repeated Plot Line
A sample of Hopeless Horrible Hermione RPL.
Dracie fall 4 mionee.
I am da evil authoress! Drao and Herm! Cum heer!! Draco:wat do u want us 2 do now? Hermieonee:yeh wat? Evil authoress:U2 gottna fall in luv! Draco & Hermieonee:but we alredy R! smooch kiissss! Evil authoress: cut it owt & get in2 mine storee!!
Draco(a/n HES SO SEXXXXXXXXXXXXXYYYY I'M GONNA DIE RIGHT HERE & NOW.) looked around as he got off the bus. "where is that sexy hot Grifindore chick?" he was thinking. Then he saw her. She had grown sense he saw her, & was gained weight, in all the right places, giving her very sexy curves. Her frizzy hair had softened out in2 nice smooth curls. He opened his pocket, flicking back his prefect white hair, 4 her 2 see, & pulled his head boy letter out. That got her attention. "Y do U have 1 malfoy? (a/n HE'S THE HOT HOT HOT HOT HOT HOT GUY) U'r 2 stupid 4 thinking." Then McGoonnacall walked over & said that they had 2 head over 2 there own secret rooms 4 head boy & girl. Hermione was thinking"omg he's so hot I want him so bad, his eyes r prefect silver, his face like a shining moon. He had a lean body, that was slightly muscular & had gottena bit of a tan durning the summer. He's so sexy. I love him. she thought. They went 2 there secret room & unpaked a bit. Hermione was pulling off her muggle clothes & putting on her robeds when malfoy walked in. she stood there in shock 4 a sec then he kissed her 4 a very long time. Then suddenly she thrust him away."We can't do this. U'r a deatheater. ""4 U I won't bee any more." Then they walked back 2 the great hall 2gether. They sat down at there tables. Crabbe said Y don't U ever stop looking at the grifindore table?" "shut up crabbe" malfoy said in his dream-like-state."what's Ur problem?" shouted goyle. R U going 2 disrespect slitheren?"I don't want 2 be 1 fuckin anymore he screamed 4 the entire hall. Hermione looked after him with sorrow in her prefect brown dreamy eyes."Y where U staring at Malfoy?" asked haryy & ron. Did U see his tears that stupid ugly brat." "don't kall him that!!!!!" hermionee yelled. & she ran away 2. Then she went 2 her room, & draco was lying on his bed with out his shirt ( a/n I'M DIEING WRITE NO, HE'S SO SEXXY!) he had scares all over his back. "Y do U have scares all over Ur back?" she whispered 2 him, & started 2 massaging it."my dad beet me.""that's so sad."she said. Then an owl came tapping on the whindow. It said: we're sory Hermione but Ur family was murdered. Then Draco got a letter saying 2 never get so close 2 a girl again. She was sad so she & draco slept in his bed but didn't sleep at all. "harder dragon, harder" she whispered. Then came quinditch. She told he would do real well because she loved him, & Harry hated her. Then she fainted, and draco (that HOT HUNK!) stopped the quinnich game to see if she as ok.
REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW CUSS U WANT MORE OFF THIS STORY, & MORE OFF MY DRACO! BUT HIS ALL MINE!!!11111111111
Translated by request
Title: Draco Malfoy Falls in Love With Hermione Granger
I am the female author. Draco and Hermione will be in my story. Here they come to be a part of it!
Draco says, "What do you want us to do now?"
Hermione adds, "Yes, what are you going to have us do?
The female author replies, "You two are going to fall in love in my story."
Draco and Hermione say together, "But we already are in love!" Draco and Hermione start to make out in front of everyone.
The female author shouts, "Stop making out with each other and become part of my story!"
Draco (Author note: I am infatuated with this character, and I feel it is important enough to tell you now.) looked around as he got off the Hogwart's Express. "Where is the Gryffindor girl that I have sexual feelings for?" he was thinking. Then he saw the Gryffindor girl that he had sexual feelings for. She was now beautiful because she had gotten her breasts and butt enlarged and her frizzy hair straightened then curled under natural circumstances.
Draco reached into his pocket, trying to make his love interest sexually notice him as he pulled his letter that notified him of being a Head Boy. His love interest noticed the letter and she said angrily, "How could you be a Head Boy Malfoy? (Author Note: I am still infatuated with this character.) I do not think you are smart enough to have received that honor."
Then Professor Minerva McGonagall spotted Draco and Hermione and joined them. She declared that they would have secret rooms because they were Head boy and Head Girl, and they must go to them as soon as possible.
Hermione was thinking, "Wow, I am feeling sexual attraction to Draco Malfoy's body, therefore I must be in love with him."
Draco and Hermione walked to their secret rooms to unpack. Hermione took this chance to change from her Muggle clothes to her school uniform, and Draco Malfoy accidentally walked in while Hermione was half naked. Hermione was surprised by Draco. Draco's sexual desire for Hermione's body forced him to make out with her for a long time. Suddenly Hermione pushed Draco away. She pointed out that he was a Deatheater, and Draco said he wouldn't be a Deatheater anymore because he sexually desired Hermione's body.
Time passed and Draco and Hermione walked back to the Great Hall. They joined their houses at their house's tables. Draco's friend Crabbe said to Draco, "I noticed that you are looking at the Gryffindor table."
"Please stop bothering me Crabbe," Malfoy said in his dream-like-state.
"Why are you acting strangely? You are getting me upset!" shouted Crabbe.
"Are you making an opinion that is not acceptable to the Slytherin House?"
"I an tired of being a Slytherin!" Draco shouted so everyone in the Great Hall could hear him.
Hermione felt sorry for him. "I noticed that you were staring at Malfoy, Hermione. Why were you staring at him?" asked Harry Potter and Ron Weasley together. "He looked very funny."
"Please do not show disrespect for Draco!" Hermione yelled loud enough for the every one in the Great Hall to hear. She ran back to her secret room because she was so upset.
When Hermione came to her room she found Draco lying on his bed half naked (Author Note: I'm still infatuated with this character.) increasing her sexual desire for him. She noticed he had scars all over his back. "Why do you have scars all over your back?" she whispered to Draco, and started massaging Draco's back.
"My father whipped me," Draco said
"I feel sorry for you," Hermione said.
An owl tapped on the window. The owl said, "Hermione, your family was murdered." Then Draco received a letter that said, "Never come close to Hermione again."
Hermione was unhappy, so she and Draco had sex all night long.
Time passed and Draco and Hermione went to a Quidditch game. Hermione told Draco he would do really well in the game because she felt sexual desire for him, and Harry Potter wouldn't have sex with her.
Time passed, and Hermione fainted, and Draco (Author Note: I still am infatuated with this character.) stopped the Quidditch game to insure Hermione's safety.
Please review because I am infatuated with the character Draco Malfoy. (Translator's Note: The translator is collapsing do to an immense amount of laughter. The translator says, "I'm sorry, the story makes fun of itself!")
MARY SUE MORPHING- the Horrible Hopeless Hermione RPL.
Sometimes Mary Sues try to hide under a canon character's name. For instance, look at what Hermione has become! She became an irrationally brainless slut. In this next section, we look at the things to avoid while trying to make this canon romance.
HERMIONE'S OUT OF CHARACTER-NESS
Of all of the self respecting Hogwarts girls, why do so many chose Hermione? Pity her! She's been changed into a wimpy slut. How? The biggest sign is her sleeping with Draco Malfoy on the first day. She gave in immediately to him, which she would never do, and she would never, ever, EVER date a Slytherin of her own free choice. Maybe if she had to sleep with him in order to save Ron's life, but even that is unlikely. Hermione would not adopt a "punk attitude" or start failing classes; she hold's her schooling above almost everything else, except her close friends Ron and Harry. Also, Hermione isn't going to fall in love with someone just because they are "hot". The connections must be much deeper than that. You notice, that Hermione would never have had sex with Lockhart even though she obviously thought he was handsome.
HERMIONE'S APPEARENCE
She's always gotten "curves in all the right places". And a most of the time, she's also lost the frizz in her hair; it has turned into "soft curls". I know that you want her to be hotter, so Draco would fall in love with her, but I don't think her DNA would change to give her a prefect body or give her hair soft curls.
DRACO MALFOY'S OUT OF CHARACTER-NESS
Once again, Draco Malfoy is a gallant Gryffindor, coming to save the day. At this point, you may consider the Sorting Hat broken. Draco wouldn't touch Hermione, not to mention she is one of Harry Potter's best friends, a muggle born, and a Gryffindor. But let's forget about that at the moment. Draco Malfoy has a long history of hating her. How can you break through that? The best way that I can see is for Hermione to save Draco Malfoy's life, or the two being locked in a dungeon of Voldemort's, and being forced to live together, where they are on equal circumstances. The romance would be very slow to start with so much to work through.
DRACO MALFOY'S LOOKS
Now, we always think to ourselves, "If we could make him a little more handsome, then Hermione would fall for him on the spot like I did." He is leaner and more muscular, your dream guy. I think that all of that sitting around, having others do work for you, would make you a tad broad about the middle wouldn't it? Draco has hardly ever done any work for himself besides schoolwork. Draco is not Tom Felton, and doesn't have his body.
PLOT MISTAKES
Now really, what would Malfoy do if he "walked in" on Hermione? He wouldn't kiss her, that's for certain. He might pretend to barf, or actually barf, running in the opposite direction.
Something else that needs to be thrown away: Hermione's parents being killed because Malfoy has gotten too close to Hermione. Really now, does Malfoy send letters to every one saying, "I'm in love with the enemy! Here is her name, her parents name, their home address, their birth dates and their favorite colors! Aren't I a stud?" It is probable that Hermione's parents could be killed, but she wouldn't cry on Malfoy's shoulder. He doesn't have a shoulder for anyone to cry on. Also, Hermione and Draco would be killed and Draco's father forever disgraced if Draco and Hermione started having a relationship.
Draco would not fall in love with Hermione just because she is "hot". Even if he did he would probably never acknowledge it. He doesn't admit to feelings he has very easily, and he hardly sees Hermione as a human.
Hermione would not fall in love with him on first sight. Love and romance take a long time to happen. Being infatuated happens in seconds and normally doesn't last very long. In a few years you will be laughing at the silly pre-teen self that drew little hearts all over her picture of some famous star.
One of the biggest mistakes that are made is that they are given their own private quarters. Of course you want them to have complete privacy to do what ever they want, but there is no secret Head Boy and Girl common room; the head boy and girl go to the same common rooms that they have been in since they were sorted. They may have private bedrooms, but not a private common room.
Malfoy would not give up being a deatheater for her. Remember that Malfoy almost sees it his job to get a good education just so he can be a Deatheater. This feeling has been installed in his brain ever sense he was a toddler, and won't go away easily. Also, Malfoy won't bend to the girls every whim and break his rules to fit HER; she would have to bend her rules to fit HIM. That's just how he is.
Draco's father does not beat him.
THE FRIENDS
Ugh! Harry, Ron, Crabbe, and Goyle have been transformed into uncaring monsters. In fact, they are demonetized. Harry and Ron are kind and supportive; they would back Hermione any day. Crabbe and Goyle may be stupid, but they also try their best to be helpful to Malfoy. Malfoy has gotten used to them, and he's not about to throw away their support or protection.
AUTHOR NOTES
Now we see the terrible little thing at the beginning, where the author is "talking" to the characters before the chapter starts. This is one of the most annoying habits that I have ever come across while reading fan fiction. If the only part of your chapters worth reading is the page long chat episodes with the characters in the chapter, you should be re-thinking your writing. Also, it's better just to leave out the author notes in the first place.
THE GREAT ART OF THANKING REVIEWERS
Let's say you have cleansed your story of clichés, and suddenly you have 15 more reviewers on your story! Wow! Now you must thank them all in your next chapter, with little notes to each! STOP! You are about to add another page onto your story. A page where absolutely nothing that has to do with your story is occurring; an awful lot of junk to scroll through to get to the review button.
The best way to thank your reviewers, if you must do it, is to list them at the end of a chapter and send them each a special e-mail. You will be publicly thanking them, which is the allure of thanking them in the chapter anyways, and you will be privately thanking them too. You may earn some long lasting friendships doing this, and it is the most effective way of letting your reviewers know that you care about them.
RPL Stands for Repeated Plot Line
A sample of Hopeless Horrible Hermione RPL.
Dracie fall 4 mionee.
I am da evil authoress! Drao and Herm! Cum heer!! Draco:wat do u want us 2 do now? Hermieonee:yeh wat? Evil authoress:U2 gottna fall in luv! Draco & Hermieonee:but we alredy R! smooch kiissss! Evil authoress: cut it owt & get in2 mine storee!!
Draco(a/n HES SO SEXXXXXXXXXXXXXYYYY I'M GONNA DIE RIGHT HERE & NOW.) looked around as he got off the bus. "where is that sexy hot Grifindore chick?" he was thinking. Then he saw her. She had grown sense he saw her, & was gained weight, in all the right places, giving her very sexy curves. Her frizzy hair had softened out in2 nice smooth curls. He opened his pocket, flicking back his prefect white hair, 4 her 2 see, & pulled his head boy letter out. That got her attention. "Y do U have 1 malfoy? (a/n HE'S THE HOT HOT HOT HOT HOT HOT GUY) U'r 2 stupid 4 thinking." Then McGoonnacall walked over & said that they had 2 head over 2 there own secret rooms 4 head boy & girl. Hermione was thinking"omg he's so hot I want him so bad, his eyes r prefect silver, his face like a shining moon. He had a lean body, that was slightly muscular & had gottena bit of a tan durning the summer. He's so sexy. I love him. she thought. They went 2 there secret room & unpaked a bit. Hermione was pulling off her muggle clothes & putting on her robeds when malfoy walked in. she stood there in shock 4 a sec then he kissed her 4 a very long time. Then suddenly she thrust him away."We can't do this. U'r a deatheater. ""4 U I won't bee any more." Then they walked back 2 the great hall 2gether. They sat down at there tables. Crabbe said Y don't U ever stop looking at the grifindore table?" "shut up crabbe" malfoy said in his dream-like-state."what's Ur problem?" shouted goyle. R U going 2 disrespect slitheren?"I don't want 2 be 1 fuckin anymore he screamed 4 the entire hall. Hermione looked after him with sorrow in her prefect brown dreamy eyes."Y where U staring at Malfoy?" asked haryy & ron. Did U see his tears that stupid ugly brat." "don't kall him that!!!!!" hermionee yelled. & she ran away 2. Then she went 2 her room, & draco was lying on his bed with out his shirt ( a/n I'M DIEING WRITE NO, HE'S SO SEXXY!) he had scares all over his back. "Y do U have scares all over Ur back?" she whispered 2 him, & started 2 massaging it."my dad beet me.""that's so sad."she said. Then an owl came tapping on the whindow. It said: we're sory Hermione but Ur family was murdered. Then Draco got a letter saying 2 never get so close 2 a girl again. She was sad so she & draco slept in his bed but didn't sleep at all. "harder dragon, harder" she whispered. Then came quinditch. She told he would do real well because she loved him, & Harry hated her. Then she fainted, and draco (that HOT HUNK!) stopped the quinnich game to see if she as ok.
REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW CUSS U WANT MORE OFF THIS STORY, & MORE OFF MY DRACO! BUT HIS ALL MINE!!!11111111111
Translated by request
Title: Draco Malfoy Falls in Love With Hermione Granger
I am the female author. Draco and Hermione will be in my story. Here they come to be a part of it!
Draco says, "What do you want us to do now?"
Hermione adds, "Yes, what are you going to have us do?
The female author replies, "You two are going to fall in love in my story."
Draco and Hermione say together, "But we already are in love!" Draco and Hermione start to make out in front of everyone.
The female author shouts, "Stop making out with each other and become part of my story!"
Draco (Author note: I am infatuated with this character, and I feel it is important enough to tell you now.) looked around as he got off the Hogwart's Express. "Where is the Gryffindor girl that I have sexual feelings for?" he was thinking. Then he saw the Gryffindor girl that he had sexual feelings for. She was now beautiful because she had gotten her breasts and butt enlarged and her frizzy hair straightened then curled under natural circumstances.
Draco reached into his pocket, trying to make his love interest sexually notice him as he pulled his letter that notified him of being a Head Boy. His love interest noticed the letter and she said angrily, "How could you be a Head Boy Malfoy? (Author Note: I am still infatuated with this character.) I do not think you are smart enough to have received that honor."
Then Professor Minerva McGonagall spotted Draco and Hermione and joined them. She declared that they would have secret rooms because they were Head boy and Head Girl, and they must go to them as soon as possible.
Hermione was thinking, "Wow, I am feeling sexual attraction to Draco Malfoy's body, therefore I must be in love with him."
Draco and Hermione walked to their secret rooms to unpack. Hermione took this chance to change from her Muggle clothes to her school uniform, and Draco Malfoy accidentally walked in while Hermione was half naked. Hermione was surprised by Draco. Draco's sexual desire for Hermione's body forced him to make out with her for a long time. Suddenly Hermione pushed Draco away. She pointed out that he was a Deatheater, and Draco said he wouldn't be a Deatheater anymore because he sexually desired Hermione's body.
Time passed and Draco and Hermione walked back to the Great Hall. They joined their houses at their house's tables. Draco's friend Crabbe said to Draco, "I noticed that you are looking at the Gryffindor table."
"Please stop bothering me Crabbe," Malfoy said in his dream-like-state.
"Why are you acting strangely? You are getting me upset!" shouted Crabbe.
"Are you making an opinion that is not acceptable to the Slytherin House?"
"I an tired of being a Slytherin!" Draco shouted so everyone in the Great Hall could hear him.
Hermione felt sorry for him. "I noticed that you were staring at Malfoy, Hermione. Why were you staring at him?" asked Harry Potter and Ron Weasley together. "He looked very funny."
"Please do not show disrespect for Draco!" Hermione yelled loud enough for the every one in the Great Hall to hear. She ran back to her secret room because she was so upset.
When Hermione came to her room she found Draco lying on his bed half naked (Author Note: I'm still infatuated with this character.) increasing her sexual desire for him. She noticed he had scars all over his back. "Why do you have scars all over your back?" she whispered to Draco, and started massaging Draco's back.
"My father whipped me," Draco said
"I feel sorry for you," Hermione said.
An owl tapped on the window. The owl said, "Hermione, your family was murdered." Then Draco received a letter that said, "Never come close to Hermione again."
Hermione was unhappy, so she and Draco had sex all night long.
Time passed and Draco and Hermione went to a Quidditch game. Hermione told Draco he would do really well in the game because she felt sexual desire for him, and Harry Potter wouldn't have sex with her.
Time passed, and Hermione fainted, and Draco (Author Note: I still am infatuated with this character.) stopped the Quidditch game to insure Hermione's safety.
Please review because I am infatuated with the character Draco Malfoy. (Translator's Note: The translator is collapsing do to an immense amount of laughter. The translator says, "I'm sorry, the story makes fun of itself!")
MARY SUE MORPHING- the Horrible Hopeless Hermione RPL.
Sometimes Mary Sues try to hide under a canon character's name. For instance, look at what Hermione has become! She became an irrationally brainless slut. In this next section, we look at the things to avoid while trying to make this canon romance.
HERMIONE'S OUT OF CHARACTER-NESS
Of all of the self respecting Hogwarts girls, why do so many chose Hermione? Pity her! She's been changed into a wimpy slut. How? The biggest sign is her sleeping with Draco Malfoy on the first day. She gave in immediately to him, which she would never do, and she would never, ever, EVER date a Slytherin of her own free choice. Maybe if she had to sleep with him in order to save Ron's life, but even that is unlikely. Hermione would not adopt a "punk attitude" or start failing classes; she hold's her schooling above almost everything else, except her close friends Ron and Harry. Also, Hermione isn't going to fall in love with someone just because they are "hot". The connections must be much deeper than that. You notice, that Hermione would never have had sex with Lockhart even though she obviously thought he was handsome.
HERMIONE'S APPEARENCE
She's always gotten "curves in all the right places". And a most of the time, she's also lost the frizz in her hair; it has turned into "soft curls". I know that you want her to be hotter, so Draco would fall in love with her, but I don't think her DNA would change to give her a prefect body or give her hair soft curls.
DRACO MALFOY'S OUT OF CHARACTER-NESS
Once again, Draco Malfoy is a gallant Gryffindor, coming to save the day. At this point, you may consider the Sorting Hat broken. Draco wouldn't touch Hermione, not to mention she is one of Harry Potter's best friends, a muggle born, and a Gryffindor. But let's forget about that at the moment. Draco Malfoy has a long history of hating her. How can you break through that? The best way that I can see is for Hermione to save Draco Malfoy's life, or the two being locked in a dungeon of Voldemort's, and being forced to live together, where they are on equal circumstances. The romance would be very slow to start with so much to work through.
DRACO MALFOY'S LOOKS
Now, we always think to ourselves, "If we could make him a little more handsome, then Hermione would fall for him on the spot like I did." He is leaner and more muscular, your dream guy. I think that all of that sitting around, having others do work for you, would make you a tad broad about the middle wouldn't it? Draco has hardly ever done any work for himself besides schoolwork. Draco is not Tom Felton, and doesn't have his body.
PLOT MISTAKES
Now really, what would Malfoy do if he "walked in" on Hermione? He wouldn't kiss her, that's for certain. He might pretend to barf, or actually barf, running in the opposite direction.
Something else that needs to be thrown away: Hermione's parents being killed because Malfoy has gotten too close to Hermione. Really now, does Malfoy send letters to every one saying, "I'm in love with the enemy! Here is her name, her parents name, their home address, their birth dates and their favorite colors! Aren't I a stud?" It is probable that Hermione's parents could be killed, but she wouldn't cry on Malfoy's shoulder. He doesn't have a shoulder for anyone to cry on. Also, Hermione and Draco would be killed and Draco's father forever disgraced if Draco and Hermione started having a relationship.
Draco would not fall in love with Hermione just because she is "hot". Even if he did he would probably never acknowledge it. He doesn't admit to feelings he has very easily, and he hardly sees Hermione as a human.
Hermione would not fall in love with him on first sight. Love and romance take a long time to happen. Being infatuated happens in seconds and normally doesn't last very long. In a few years you will be laughing at the silly pre-teen self that drew little hearts all over her picture of some famous star.
One of the biggest mistakes that are made is that they are given their own private quarters. Of course you want them to have complete privacy to do what ever they want, but there is no secret Head Boy and Girl common room; the head boy and girl go to the same common rooms that they have been in since they were sorted. They may have private bedrooms, but not a private common room.
Malfoy would not give up being a deatheater for her. Remember that Malfoy almost sees it his job to get a good education just so he can be a Deatheater. This feeling has been installed in his brain ever sense he was a toddler, and won't go away easily. Also, Malfoy won't bend to the girls every whim and break his rules to fit HER; she would have to bend her rules to fit HIM. That's just how he is.
Draco's father does not beat him.
THE FRIENDS
Ugh! Harry, Ron, Crabbe, and Goyle have been transformed into uncaring monsters. In fact, they are demonetized. Harry and Ron are kind and supportive; they would back Hermione any day. Crabbe and Goyle may be stupid, but they also try their best to be helpful to Malfoy. Malfoy has gotten used to them, and he's not about to throw away their support or protection.
AUTHOR NOTES
Now we see the terrible little thing at the beginning, where the author is "talking" to the characters before the chapter starts. This is one of the most annoying habits that I have ever come across while reading fan fiction. If the only part of your chapters worth reading is the page long chat episodes with the characters in the chapter, you should be re-thinking your writing. Also, it's better just to leave out the author notes in the first place.
THE GREAT ART OF THANKING REVIEWERS
Let's say you have cleansed your story of clichés, and suddenly you have 15 more reviewers on your story! Wow! Now you must thank them all in your next chapter, with little notes to each! STOP! You are about to add another page onto your story. A page where absolutely nothing that has to do with your story is occurring; an awful lot of junk to scroll through to get to the review button.
The best way to thank your reviewers, if you must do it, is to list them at the end of a chapter and send them each a special e-mail. You will be publicly thanking them, which is the allure of thanking them in the chapter anyways, and you will be privately thanking them too. You may earn some long lasting friendships doing this, and it is the most effective way of letting your reviewers know that you care about them.