Disclaimer: None of these characters belong to me. They belong to J.K. Rowling. The dialogues and context of the story belong to Richard Curtis and Ben Elton. I make no profit in writing this, it's just for fun.
A/N: I've ripped every character out of character, but don't worry, I didn't turn Lucius in a nice fluffy rabbit. If you do not like this you'd better leave and read some other fics. A big thank you goes to my beta- reader, Smitten.
The room was half lit. Lucius Malfoy was asleep in the bed set in the corner of the room. A pair of feet was lying on the pillow next to him. The silence was broken by a soft knock on the door.
"Go away," Malfoy growled.
Peter Pettigrew opened the door and stepped carefully inside, carrying a lamp.
"Master, there is someone at the door to see you," Peter whispered.
"By Merlin!" Malfoy said rubbing his eyes, "what time is it?"
"Four o'clock, Master," Peter replied.
"Wormtail, I've told you before! You mustn't let me sleep all day. This woman charges by the hour," Malfoy hissed.
Peter carefully walked to the end of the bed.
"Master, it's four o'clock in the morning," he spoke softly.
"Someone wants to see me at four o'clock in the morning? What is he, a giant owl?" Malfoy groaned.
"No, it's a pureblood wizard," Peter said.
"Tell him I'm a Mudblood," Malfoy replied.
The woman next to Malfoy stirred in the bed. She threw the coverlet from her head exposing his bare feet.
"Aren't you going to introduce me?" she asked Malfoy.
"Oh very well but I think you're making a mistake. Wormtail, I am delighted to introduce you to... I'm sorry, I've forgotten your name." Malfoy sneered.
"Molly," she said with a hint of annoyance in her voice.
"Of course, Molly. Wormtail, this is Molly, a dear friend of mine," Lucius continued.
"I'm not dear. I'm very reasonable, actually Wormtail. Most girls would charge an extra Galleon for all the horrid things he wants a girl to do..." she said with a smile.
"Yes, all right then," Malfoy interrupted. "Wormtail, this is Molly, an inexpensive prostitute. Molly, this is Wormtail, a scruffy servant. Now may I got to sleep, please," Malfoy hissed. He sighed and turned over to go back to sleep.
"Master, what about the wizard?" Peter asked stammering.
"Tell him to get his magical backside out of here. And what's more, if he comes bothering again, tell him I shall report him to Potions Master Snape, who drowns kittens in a cauldron and eats them after class," Malfoy said closing his eyes again.
"Very good, Master," Peter said as he bowed deeply and left the room, closing the door behind him.
A few moments later, Peter burst through the door as if someone threw him in. Malfoy opened one eye, arching an eyebrow.
"Yes, Wormtail. What is it now?" he sighed.
"It's the wizard, Master - - says he still wants to talk to you," Peter said with a wavering voice.
"And did you mention the kitten-eating Potions Master?" Malfoy asked.
"I did, Master," Peter replied, still lying on the floor.
"And what did he say?" Malfoy asked obviously bored by now.
In reply, the door swung open. In the shadows, dark and threatening, stood the wizard.
"He said, I AM the kitten-eating Potions Master," Snape said.
Malfoy opened his eyes in shock shifting uneasily in his bed.
"By Merlin!" Malfoy breathed.
"You haven't any kittens, have you, Lucius?" Snape asked.
"No, I'm allergic to cat fur," Malfoy replied.
"In that case, I'll skip breakfast and get straight down to business. Do you know what day it is today? Snape asked sitting on the bed at Malfoy's feet.
"No, I don't," Malfoy said.
"It is exactly one year ago to the day that the Bank off Dark Wizards 'Banking with a curse and a spell' of which I am the Assistant Manager, lent you one thousand Galleons. Our motto is 'Repayment or Revenge'," Snape explained clearly.
"Of course. And naturally, I would have paid you back, but unfortunately, and this is the real bugger, I've gone and lost my servant. Disastrous! He had all my gold and my little notes saying 'forget-ye-not'," Malfoy said.
"That is no concern of mine. The debt is now due. Not to repay a loan is a sin and we Dark Wizards – we hate sin," Snape roared.
He pulled back the sheets, revealing Malfoy in his black thong and Molly. "Ah yes, Professor – may I introduce my wife, .....Narcissa," Malfoy said.
Snape ignored Malfoy and sat down at his feet. Malfoy pulled up his knees in response.
"Good morning, my dear. I hope you have not forgotten our appointment?" Snape said as he was flirting with Molly. She sat up, smiling at him.
"Of course not, Sevvie," she said. She raised a hand and softly caressed his check.
"You know, I have a mind, my pretty to play 'hide the broomstick'. Don't forget your cane," he said in a low voice.
"Saucy," she replied giggling.
"As for you, you'll come with me," Snape said looking at Malfoy in disgust dragging him out of bed.
"Where...?" Lucius asked confused.
"To visit the last poor bastard who lost his servant," Snape said with a grin.
A/N: I've ripped every character out of character, but don't worry, I didn't turn Lucius in a nice fluffy rabbit. If you do not like this you'd better leave and read some other fics. A big thank you goes to my beta- reader, Smitten.
The room was half lit. Lucius Malfoy was asleep in the bed set in the corner of the room. A pair of feet was lying on the pillow next to him. The silence was broken by a soft knock on the door.
"Go away," Malfoy growled.
Peter Pettigrew opened the door and stepped carefully inside, carrying a lamp.
"Master, there is someone at the door to see you," Peter whispered.
"By Merlin!" Malfoy said rubbing his eyes, "what time is it?"
"Four o'clock, Master," Peter replied.
"Wormtail, I've told you before! You mustn't let me sleep all day. This woman charges by the hour," Malfoy hissed.
Peter carefully walked to the end of the bed.
"Master, it's four o'clock in the morning," he spoke softly.
"Someone wants to see me at four o'clock in the morning? What is he, a giant owl?" Malfoy groaned.
"No, it's a pureblood wizard," Peter said.
"Tell him I'm a Mudblood," Malfoy replied.
The woman next to Malfoy stirred in the bed. She threw the coverlet from her head exposing his bare feet.
"Aren't you going to introduce me?" she asked Malfoy.
"Oh very well but I think you're making a mistake. Wormtail, I am delighted to introduce you to... I'm sorry, I've forgotten your name." Malfoy sneered.
"Molly," she said with a hint of annoyance in her voice.
"Of course, Molly. Wormtail, this is Molly, a dear friend of mine," Lucius continued.
"I'm not dear. I'm very reasonable, actually Wormtail. Most girls would charge an extra Galleon for all the horrid things he wants a girl to do..." she said with a smile.
"Yes, all right then," Malfoy interrupted. "Wormtail, this is Molly, an inexpensive prostitute. Molly, this is Wormtail, a scruffy servant. Now may I got to sleep, please," Malfoy hissed. He sighed and turned over to go back to sleep.
"Master, what about the wizard?" Peter asked stammering.
"Tell him to get his magical backside out of here. And what's more, if he comes bothering again, tell him I shall report him to Potions Master Snape, who drowns kittens in a cauldron and eats them after class," Malfoy said closing his eyes again.
"Very good, Master," Peter said as he bowed deeply and left the room, closing the door behind him.
A few moments later, Peter burst through the door as if someone threw him in. Malfoy opened one eye, arching an eyebrow.
"Yes, Wormtail. What is it now?" he sighed.
"It's the wizard, Master - - says he still wants to talk to you," Peter said with a wavering voice.
"And did you mention the kitten-eating Potions Master?" Malfoy asked.
"I did, Master," Peter replied, still lying on the floor.
"And what did he say?" Malfoy asked obviously bored by now.
In reply, the door swung open. In the shadows, dark and threatening, stood the wizard.
"He said, I AM the kitten-eating Potions Master," Snape said.
Malfoy opened his eyes in shock shifting uneasily in his bed.
"By Merlin!" Malfoy breathed.
"You haven't any kittens, have you, Lucius?" Snape asked.
"No, I'm allergic to cat fur," Malfoy replied.
"In that case, I'll skip breakfast and get straight down to business. Do you know what day it is today? Snape asked sitting on the bed at Malfoy's feet.
"No, I don't," Malfoy said.
"It is exactly one year ago to the day that the Bank off Dark Wizards 'Banking with a curse and a spell' of which I am the Assistant Manager, lent you one thousand Galleons. Our motto is 'Repayment or Revenge'," Snape explained clearly.
"Of course. And naturally, I would have paid you back, but unfortunately, and this is the real bugger, I've gone and lost my servant. Disastrous! He had all my gold and my little notes saying 'forget-ye-not'," Malfoy said.
"That is no concern of mine. The debt is now due. Not to repay a loan is a sin and we Dark Wizards – we hate sin," Snape roared.
He pulled back the sheets, revealing Malfoy in his black thong and Molly. "Ah yes, Professor – may I introduce my wife, .....Narcissa," Malfoy said.
Snape ignored Malfoy and sat down at his feet. Malfoy pulled up his knees in response.
"Good morning, my dear. I hope you have not forgotten our appointment?" Snape said as he was flirting with Molly. She sat up, smiling at him.
"Of course not, Sevvie," she said. She raised a hand and softly caressed his check.
"You know, I have a mind, my pretty to play 'hide the broomstick'. Don't forget your cane," he said in a low voice.
"Saucy," she replied giggling.
"As for you, you'll come with me," Snape said looking at Malfoy in disgust dragging him out of bed.
"Where...?" Lucius asked confused.
"To visit the last poor bastard who lost his servant," Snape said with a grin.