The Boy Who Was His Own Shot
A/N: I love Brand New. They are so good. I dunno. Summer makes me bored and emo, so here I am. Writing again. Plus, I'm taking a little break from Handful because I realized I took it off FF.net and I didn't have it saved on my computer! Oi. I suck. Anywho, I'm gonna try and make this deep or something like that. By the way, Tenchi's letter is lyrics too. Just in case you didn't know. But whatever. Hope you like it. And Flames will be laughed at, but then I'll cry about them later like the emokid I am. And it helps if you know the song. :)
Disclaimer: I used to own the CD. Wish I still did. Don't want to own Tenchi.
If it makes you less sad
I will die by your hand
Hope you find out what you want
or let me know what I am
I walk into your room, you're not here. Of course you're not. Why would you be? I don't know what I can do to make your pain lessen. I would do anything. This isn't what I want, and you have to know it. I wonder where you are. Probably at the cave or sitting by a cherry tree or something like that. I can understand if you don't want to see me. I don't even want to see me. How could I do that to you? Just sacrifice your feelings for my own well-being? I want to die. Probably no more than you want to or want me to though. I don't know what to do.
I step out of your room and see Ayeka down the hall. I don't really want to talk to her, but she spots me and runs over.
"Tenchi! How are you? You don't look so good!" she says to me. I know it's true.
"I'm okay Ayeka. Don't worry about me." I reply, but she still looks worried. I want to tell her everything. All about how I feel, but it wouldn't help, because I'd be in the predicament. I can't win. I'll get what I want but hurt my best friend, or I won't get what I want and not hurt her. Love sucks.
"Ayeka, have you seen Ryoko?" I ask. She shakes her head indicating that she doesn't, and my hope deflates.
"Thanks anyway." I see her spirits drop along with mine as I turn from her and continue on my search. She's worried about the promise I made, and I don't blame her.
And if it makes you less sad
we'll start talking again
You can tell me how vile,
or let me know that I am
The ground below my feet is dry as I walk onto the field. I can see the cave from here, and on top of it I can see a woman with spiky cyan hair, and I know that I've found what I've been looking for. I make my way over there, and call to her from the ground.
She won't even look at me.
She won't look at me. No matter what I do.
"Ryoko! Please come down! I'd like to speak with you!" I plead with her, and I can feel my eyes tingling. Why does everything have to be so hard? The hardest part is that I don't blame her for not wanting to see me. I just wish she would come down here and hear me out so I could feel better about myself. So this guilt that's feasting on my mentality will finally go away.
Finally I decide that I have to climb up there.
I grab onto the ledge that's closest, and put my foot on a rock a small ways below it. I make my way up the cave wall until my left foot slips and I'm dangling by my fingertips. Why do I always slip when I'm so high up? Ah. Irony. I hate it.
My right hand has now lost it's grip, and my left is losing it's swiftly. Then I feel myself being lifted from the ledge and set down on the top of the cave.
"Thanks Ryoko." I say to her with an attempted smile.
She just looks at me with a blank stare, but it's an improvement from when I couldn't even get her to glance in my direction.
"Ryoko. Will you please talk to me?" I beg one more time. She continues to stare and her eyes have an emptiness that I've never seen before.
"What is there to say? I think I've heard enough. You've had your turn to let it all out. You did it your way. Now will you please let me have my turn and let me do it mine?" she replies.
Another improvement.
I'll grow old, start acting my age
Live brand new days
in a life that you hate
A crowd of gold
A heart that's harder than stone
and it hurts a whole lot,
but it's missed when it's gone
"I. . . .Ryoko. . .I," I try to begin, but words escape my lips. I had had my speech all figured out. I had to think of something. I couldn't just let her be unhappy, but I couldn't let her know the truth, either.
"What is it Tenchi? Come to let me know that it's okay? I can still live with you and that princess? While you tell her you love her at the dinner table I'm supposed to sip my soup and keep quiet? While you have children and watch them grow up, what am I supposed to do? Baby-sit? What do you want from me?" Ryoko yells at me. The stone below her is dark with the moisture she flings from her eyes as she hits the surface below us with her fist.
I go to embrace her but she slaps my hand away. My mouth is agape. I don't know what to say to her. I never do. No matter what I say I always wind up hurting her. How can that be love?
Even if I told her the truth she'd probably just resent me even more. How could she still love me after I told her what was really going on? She has turned away again, and she shudders with sobs. She's trying to stop crying. I can see that. I wish I could be as brave as her.
"I'm leaving," she tells me. I was hoping she wouldn't say that. The truth is I did still want her around. I just wish I could tell her the truth.
"I wish you wouldn't." I say sincerely.
"No, Tenchi. This is something I need to do. Look, I love you. Always have, always will. But I can't love you from afar while she loves you and you love her back. If you ever need me, I'm there. Just know that." She tells me as she phases away.
Call me a safe bet
I'm betting I'm not
I'm glad that you can forgive
Only hoping as time goes, you can forget
I think about how cowardly I am as I walk back to the house. Why did I make those promises? Because I'm a coward. I don't deserve her. I couldn't say no to him. I just. . .I wanted to be a good grandson. I wanted to make my father proud. And for that, I sacrificed her. I made her cry her eyes out. I tore her heart out of her chest and squeezed the life out of it in front of everyone. I told my best friend lies.
I feel nauseated as I enter my home and see Ayeka sitting on the couch. She doesn't have a care in the world. She's gotten what she's wanted for a long time. This is not her fault though. That lies with me.
My grandfather enters the room also, and I can't look him in the eye. I want to blame him. I really want to blame him. I want this guilt to go away. I want to feel better.
He told me he didn't think Ryoko would be a very good wife. He told me that I would be much happier with Ayeka. That was just his opinion though. I could do whatever I wanted. I still don't know if he knows that I haven't been completely honest with him. I told him that I was going to make my decision soon anyway. I knew who I loved. That part was true.
Then the time came. It was two days ago. 12:37. Lunchtime. That was when I killed her.
"I have chosen who I am going to marry." I said. "Ayeka, will you be my bride?" I asked, and when I looked up the next time I couldn't find Ryoko anywhere, even though I knew she had been there before.
I had killed the woman I loved with a few simple words. I had sacrificed her to the circumstances, and she was torn apart by the rabid dogs of anguish that I had let loose upon her.
If it make you less sad
I'll move out of this state
If you keep to yourself
I'll keep out of your way
And if it makes you less sad
I'll take your pictures all down
Every picture you paint, I will paint myself out
This time I go into my own room. I move toward the window, and look out at the cherry blossom trees and the wave of pink that's riding the wind. It's springtime. I know you love springtime. Just the slight smell of cherry blossoms brings your visage into my mind. You are everything to me. I haven't though about anything else these past two days, and I didn't think about much else before.
I dig in my drawer for a notebook. If you're leaving, it's not without my telling you something you desperately need to hear. Or. . .you'll actually be reading it. But you will know the truth anyway, and that's enough.
It's cold as tomb, and it's dark in your room
When I sneak to your bed
to pour salt on your wounds
So call it quits or get a grip
You say you wanted a solution
You just wanted to be mad
I stumble through your room. The messiness and the setting sun are an equation that equals a lot of stubbed toes, but I laugh at physical pain nowadays.
"Ryo-ohki!?" I call out quietly. I don't want you to know I'm in here, in case you're around. I hear a familiar "Meow" and a burden is taken off my shoulders.
"You and Ryoko are leaving tonight, right?" I inquire of the cabbit. She nods.
"Could you give this to her when you're gone?"
Call me a safe bet
I'm betting I'm not
I'm Glad that you can forgive
Only hoping as time goes, you can forget
You say that I'm so solid, but the fact is, I'm not. I'm a coward. I couldn't even come through for you when you needed me most. I couldn't even comfort you after I tore your heart to shreds. I'm so focused on my guilt and trying to please my elders that I couldn't even tell you the truth. The truth. . .
I'm back in my room, and I'm looking out the window. I hear voices below me, and my eyes move toward them.
"Come on Ryo-ohki." I hear you say with a quivering voice, and after a large MEOW, and even larger spaceship is sitting on my lawn. I watch your perfection enter the ship, and feel the moisture on my face as I watch Ryo-ohki take off. I should have told you the truth. The truth is. . .
I jump a bit as Ayeka comes into my room. She looks so happy. The truth though. . .
"I love you." I say aloud as I wipe the tear from my face.
"What do you have for me, Ryo-ohki?" Ryoko replied to the cabbits constant meowing. The letter appeared and Ryoko took it. She opened it up and starting reading.
You are calm and reposed
Let your beauty unfold
Pale white, like the skin stretched over your bones
Spring keeps you ever close
You are second hand smoke
You are so fragile and thin
Standing trial for your sins
Holding on to yourself the best you can
You are the smell before rain
You are the blood in my veins
Call me a safe bet
I'm betting I'm not
I'm glad that you can forgive
Only hoping as time goes, you can forget
Ryoko put the letter down, and the tears came freely. She knew the truth, now, and she would never forget.