Malfoy rushed into the drawing room.
"Right, Wormtail, I've lost the money. I'm going to have to run away," Malfoy said.
"Why, Master?" Wormtail asked.
"To avoid Snape, of course!" Malfoy said.
"No point -- the Bank of Dark Wizards have got branches everywhere."
"Oh damn!" Malfoy sighed as he fell onto the floor. "If I die, Wormtail, do you think people would remember me?" he asked with a puppy-dog look on his face.
"Yeah, of course they would," Wormtail replied casually.
"Yes, I suppose so," Malfoy said.
"Yeah. People would always be slapping each other on the shoulders and laughing, and saying "Do you remember old Goldie-locks?" Wormtail said as he continued packing.
"Do people call me 'Goldie-locks?" Malfoy asked stunned.
"Yeah, the ones who like you," Wormtail said.
"Am I then not popular?" Malfoy asked.
"Erm, well, put it this way: when people curse the wrong person, they tend to say 'Whoops, I've pulled a Lucius'."
"Bloody cheek! I'll show them," Malfoy hissed as he rose to his feet again.
"What, have you got a plan, Master?" Wormtail asked.
"Yes I have, and it's so cunning you could polish your cane with it! All I need is some feathers, a dress, some oil, an easel, some sleeping potion, lots of paper, a prostitute and the best portrait painter in England," Malfoy instructed.
"I'll get them right away, Master!" Wormtail said as he rushed out to obey Malfoy.
Some time later, Wormtail and a painter entered the drawing room. Malfoy was pacing the room.
"Master, the most famous painter in England: Mr. Alastor "Mad Eye" Moody," Wormtail said.
"Right, are you any good?" Malfoy asked.
"No! I am ... a genius!" Moody said, turning up his nose or what was left of it.
"Well, you'd better be, or you're dead!" Malfoy hissed.
Malfoy started as he heard pounding on the front door.
"Right, in the bedroom, Halfnose. Wormtail, get the door," Malfoy said.
"Master," Wormtail said as he took a bow and left the room with Moody.
Malfoy shut the door behind them and sat down in a chair at the fireplace. He placed his feet up on a small table as he began to read a book. Wormtail literally flew through the door again and lay on the floor between the shrapnel.
"Master, Potion Master Snape," Wormtail said still lying on the floor.
"The time has come, Malfoy!" Snape roared.
"Oh, hello, Snape," Malfoy said without looking up from his book.
"The Dark Wizards will have their money, or I will have my fun," Snape said, his wand at the ready.
"You enjoy your work, don't you?" Malfoy said.
"Bits of it, yeah," Snape responded.
"The violent bits," Malfoy sneered.
"Yes," Snape replied as he began massaging Malfoy's shoulder.
"You see, I am a greasy pervert. No form of sexual depravity is too low for me. Animal, vegetable or mineral -- I'll do anything to anything," Snape hissed in Malfoy's ear.
"Fine words for a Wizard. It's nice to hear the Wizarding World speaking out for a change on social issues," Malfoy said casually.
"Have you got the money?" Snape asked with a glint of pleasure in his eyes.
"Nope," Malfoy replied coolly.
" Good. I hate it when people pay up. Say your prayers, Malfoy. IT'S HEXING TIME!!" Snape roared, raising his wand.
"Fine," Malfoy said as he closed the book and set it down before he stood up. "Are you ever concerned that people might find you out?"
"No. No, no, I curse, I poison, I fornicate, but as far as my students are concerned my only vice is a little tipple before Evensong," Snape said.
Wormtail handed him a goblet.
"Oh, thank you," Snape said as he drained the goblet. "PREPARE YOURSELF, MALFOY!! THIS IS WHERE YOU GET--" Snape said as he staggered backwards, choking.
"POISONED! BY MERLIN!" Snape roared before he fell onto the floor.
"No, by Wormtail, actually, but the effect is much the same," Malfoy smirked.
In his bedroom, Malfoy pulled open a curtain, behind which Snape was in bed.
"Wakey, wakey, Sevvie. Dear me, you teachers really are sluggerbeds," Malfoy said.
"Where am I? I remember...poisoned..." Snape said, still a bit groggy.
"That's right," Malfoy replied.
"You should have killed me while you had the chance. You have looked in wonder at your last dawn, Malfoy!" Snape roared as he sat up in the bed.
"Well, I'm not sure about that. I did wonder, though, what people who saw this might think," Malfoy smirked.
Wormtail was standing nearby holding a portrait.
"By all cauldrons, what creatures from Hell are those?" Snape asked.
"They make an interesting couple, don't they? I think you probably recognize this greasy, sweating mound of robes here, eh, Snivellus?" Malfoy hissed.
Snape tried to lunge toward the portrait but Malfoy pushed him back in the bed with his cane.
"There's no point, anyway; we have the preliminary sketches. We'll soon bang off a couple of copies. Let's see, one for Lord Voldemort, one for the Ministry of Magic, a couple kept aside, perhaps, to form the basis of an exciting exhibition of a challenging artist's work," Malfoy said.
" By the beard of Dumbledore, how did you get me into that position?" Snape asked turning his head to the right.
"It's beautifully framed, don't you think? Which is ironic, really, because that's exactly what's happened to you," Malfoy sneered.
"You fiend! Never have I encountered such corrupt and foul-minded perversity! Have you ever considered a career in the School?" Snape said.
"No, I could never get used to the classrooms," Malfoy replied.
"What I could use, though, is, let's say eleven hundred Galleons to buy back my house, four thousand Galleons to cover some sundry expenses, ten Sickles for the two doors, and let's say twenty Knuts for a celebratory slap up binge at The Hog's Head…" Malfoy said, with a smile of triumph on his face.
"Yes, yes, but first, one question: Who is this second figure? Who could you have got to have performed such deeds, to have gone lower than man has ever gone, to have plunged the depths of degradation just in order to save your filthy life?!!!" Snape roared.
From beneath the covers, Wormtail awoke and sat up. He was dressed in red leather with chains and assorted items.
"Ah, Wormtail, may I introduce Severus Snape, the Potions Master at Hogwarts. Professor, Peter 'Wormtail' Pettigrew," Malfoy said.
"Hello. It was lovely working with you," Wormtail said weakly shaking Snape's hand.
The End.
Take heed the morale of this tale,
Be not a borrower nor lender,
And if your finances do fail,
Make sure your banker's not a bender.
Lord Malfoy, Lord Malfoy,
He trusted in the school.
Lord Malfoy, Lord Malfoy,
He nearly died a fool.
Lord Malfoy, Lord Malfoy,
His life was almost done.
Lord Malfoy, Lord Malfoy,
Who gives a toss? No one!