TITLE: Mercy for the Fallen
AUTHOR: Heather
ARCHIVED: it will be on my site, http:www.romanticsgarden.com
RATED: PG for adult themes
DISCLAIMER: none of these characters, except for Kiki, belong to me. The story does belong to me, but I'm not making any profit on it, so don't worry! The song belongs to Evanscence.
COMPLETED: March 30, 2003
AUTHOR'S NOTES: This story was actually started back when Jason was running around, saving Liz, Carly, and Sonny from their mistakes, around the time when Liz was "torn" between Zander and Jason. So keep in mind, anything that happened in the show after then (Jip, LaRic, Brazen, etc.), didn't really happen in this universe.
---------
How can you see into my eyes
like open doors.
Leading you down into my core
where I've become so numb.
Without a soul
my spirit's sleeping somewhere cold
until you find it there and lead it back home. ---Evanescence
"Repudiated mob boss Jason Morgan was laid to rest today."
She stood off to the side, apart from the rest of the mourners. She had come on impulse, sliding into town without alerting friends and family of her presence, the same way that she would leave. Only her beloved Uncle knew that she was in town, and she had refused his offer to come with her. It was something private, personal, and she didn't want anyone to know.
The ceremony was quiet, solemn and sparse. She was surprised to recognize almost everyone there. After 10 years, she'd thought the faces would have changed, but then, Jason had always been select in his friends. Even the Quartermaines were here. It seemed that while Jason had been able to keep them away from his life, he couldn't from his death.
If there was one thing that she'd learned from the many funerals that she'd attended in her life, it was that they were for the living, not the dead. The pomp and circumstances, the speeches and the tears, the dead cared for none of those where they were. But it made the living feel better, and so they continued.
She remembered vividly her parent's funeral, how it had done her child's broken heart good to see the elaborate ceremony. Somehow, in the midst of her intense grief, it had made her feel the a tiny bit better to know that the town mourned and honored her beloved parents. The loss of a loved one was never easy to take, but somehow the burden felt a little lighter when you knew it was shared.
The ceremony was almost over.
For a moment, she considered changing her plans and approaching Alan and Monica. Part of her felt obligated to express her condolences. But the more reasonable part of her knew that it was better this way. After everything that had happened this past week, it would somehow be inappropriate. And since her relationship with their son had officially ended 10 years ago, too much time had passed. She would send her condolences from a distance. It was better this way.
The last handful of dirt was thrown, and the last mourner drifted away, but she remained. She stayed there until the coffin was lowered to the earth and filled over. She had to, she needed to see it done for it to be real.
Jason Morgan had been many things to many people: loyal friend, estranged son, arrogant criminal, ex-lover, common thug. To her, he had once been the most important person in her life. Once. But that had been years ago, a lifetime ago, and not even his funeral could change that fact.
And she still didn't know how to feel about that.
----------
Robin breathed a sigh of relief as she walked into her townhouse. It felt good to be home. It had only been a few days since she had left, and yet it seemed like a lifetime.
Setting her bag on the floor in the foyer and dropping her keys on the inn table, she hollered out, "I'm home."
The bundle of energy that tumbled down the stairs, screaming "mommy" brought a smile to her lips and lifted her heart. She caught Kiki in her arms, laughing at her daughter's enthusiasm.
"Mommy, I missed you!" Kiki exclaimed, giving Robin a wet kiss on the cheek.
"I missed you too, baby," Robin sighed, kissing her back and cuddling the small body to hers.
Kiki giggled at the endearment, her big brown eyes alight with happiness. "I'm not a baby, I'm a big girl!"
"That's right, I keep forgetting," Robin said in mock surprise. "How old are you now, 90?" Robin asked, setting her daughter down.
"Silly, mommy, I'm 4!" She exclaimed, covering her mouth with a little hand to hide her laughter.
Robin mockingly shook her head and clapped a hand to her forehead. "That's right, how could I forget that? Did you have a good time while I was gone?" She asked as she hung up her coat.
"Uh, huh," Kiki nodded, her dark curls bouncing. "Mere took me shopping and we went to Little House and played with the kids, and then Uncle read to me and told me stories every night."
Robin paused in surprise. "Uncle Dimitri came to visit?" She hadn't realized that Alex and Dimitri were in town.
"Not that Uncle," Kiki shook her head, "my new Uncle. I like him, mommy, he's nice to me."
Robin looked at her daughter in amazement, shocked that a man the child had just met had been elevated to such an honored status so quickly. What had happened in the few days that she'd been gone? "Uncle?" She repeated.
"Uh, huh." Kiki looked up at her mother, sensitive to Robin's emotions and worried that she had upset her. "Did I do something wrong, mommy?"
Robin forced a smile to her face, determined to reassure her child. She'd worry over the implication of the appellation "uncle," later. "Not at all, sweetie, I'm glad you like him."
The worry lifted off the little girl's face, and she smiled in relief. "I do, mommy, he's nice. Did you bring me something from your trip?"
Robin chuckled and reached for her purse, pulling out a little gift bag. "I did, but I'll have to get it for you later. In the meantime, Uncle Mac sent something for you."
"He did?" Kiki clapped in delight. Like all children, she loved all gifts, but Uncle Mac's were special. He always gave her the best gifts.
"He did," Robin handed her the bag and watched with a smile as Kiki reverently pulled out the gift inside. It was a beautiful Dragon figure, a perfect addition to Kiki's collection. She'd been fascinated with them ever since Mac had shown her Maxie and Georgie's old video "Pete's Dragon."
She hadn't been able to get enough since.
"It's beautiful, mommy," she said in awe.
"You'll have to be sure to write Uncle Mac a thank you note." Robin said softly, bending down and running a finger over her daughter's mocha colored, satiny cheek.
"I will," Kiki nodded solemnly. "Can I go and put it with my others?" She asked excitedly.
"Sure, I'll start to get dinner ready. Is Mere here?" Robin asked, straightening up.
"Nuh, huh, Uncle's here, Mere had to go home. You don't have to do dinner, he's going to make it!" Kiki hollered over her shoulder as she rushed up stairs.
Robin lifted an eyebrow at the child's departing words. He was fixing dinner?
"You're back."
Robin spun around in surprise to see a tall man standing in the doorway to the kitchen, a dish towel in his hands.
"Yes," she replied, unsure of how to talk to him.
He looked away from her and down at his hands, pulling the towel back and forth in an almost nervous gesture. "How was it?"
"Sad, solemn, it was a funeral," she sighed. "I didn't talk to anyone."
He looked up in surprise as she turned away to walk into the living room.
"Why not?" He followed her, a few paces away, and hovered in the entryway.
"I didn't feel it was my place." She said simply. What else could she say, it was the truth.
"Are you all right?" He asked hesitatingly. He couldn't read her mood, and it bothered him.
"I think so," she looked over at him, her eyes clear, and met his.
He crossed his arms over his chest and looked at her straight in her eyes. "Why did you do it? Why did you go?"
Sighing, she leaned against the sofa back and wondered how to reply. How did she give him an answer that she didn't quite have herself? "I'm not sure. Actually," she admitted honestly, "I feel unsure about a lot of things right now. I think there's just about one thing I really am sure of."
He frowned at her in confusion. "What?"
She laughed then, a little scoffingly, a little resignedly, but not without an amused sense of irony. Just what had her life come to in the past week? "For a dead man, Jason Morgan, you're in remarkably good health."
--------
Wake me up.
Wake me up inside.
I can't wake up.
Wake me up inside.
Save me.
Call my name and save me from the dark.
Wake me up.
Bid my blood to run.
I can't wake up.
Before I come undone.
Save me.
Save me from the nothing I've become. ----Evanescence
Robin smiled as Kiki played in the bath. As Felicia had remarked once, Kiki was a born water baby.
This was one of the times that she treasured, these quiet times with her child. Adopting Kiki had been one of the most important decisions she'd ever made, and one of the best and she had never regretted it. But adopting her had meant making the decision to stay in Paris permanently. As progressive as her home country was, there was still more discrimination against interracial adoptions than she was comfortable with. Here, no one blinked at a white woman with a dark-skinned child, and she'd do whatever it took to protect her daughter from unnecessary pain.
Which led to the question of what to do with the man downstairs.
He'd shown up on her doorstep late one night a week ago. Shocked was too mild a word for how she had felt upon seeing him. There had been something in his eyes, a mixture of pain and sorrow so deep that she was surprised he had been able to function. She had led him into her home without a word, seating him on the sofa, and wrapping an afghan around his shoulders. Whether he was shaking from shock or the cold, she wasn't sure, but for the first time since she had known him, Jason Morgan was chilled.
She hadn't known what to say to him, what to ask. What did one say to one's ex whom showed up on one's doorstep in the middle of the night? He was obviously seeking shelter, that much was clear, but what could drive him to seek her out?
Despite the unresolved pain in their past, or the years in between, she wouldn't turn him away, but she wasn't single anymore. There was more than just herself to worry about, so she had to ask the question.
"Is there anyone after you, Jason?"
He had looked at her then, as he hadn't since he had come inside, and his pain drenched eyes cleared for a moment, before he said, "No." He had taken a deep breath before he had continued. "To the world, I'm dead."
He'd started to cry then, not gulping sobs, but silent tears that tracked down his cheeks and broke her heart. She had held him close for most of the night, breaking away only to guide him to the guest room and tuck him in to sleep in the wee hours of the morning.
It wasn't until after breakfast that she realized Jason's comment was literally true. It was Mac, in his endearingly bumbling way that had called to break the news of Jason's "demise" to her. He had explained that, though there was no body recovered as of yet, it was impossible for Jason to have survived the crash. Officially, it had been ruled an accident, but off-the-record, there was some concern that it had been deliberate.
Although she had more questions than she could count, she hadn't confronted Jason with them that morning, or the next. She couldn't, he had slept for almost two days straight, and by the time he had awoken, looking more relaxed and yet still wounded, she had decided to let him tell her his story in his own time.
But a week had past, and she had watched for herself as their hometown had laid him to rest, and still he had not explained. Had he planned his "death?" Had he just taken advantage of an attempt on his life to leave? What had happened to traumatize him so? What were his plans now? And the most important of all, why had he come to her?
She had given him all the peace and space that she was able to, now was the time for him to give her something in return: answers.
Now that I know what I'm without
you can't just leave me.
Breathe into me and make me real
Bring me to life. ----Evanescence
Jason cleared the table, glancing up to see if Robin was coming down yet. She'd gone upstairs to give Kiki a bath and tuck her in bed, and he'd remained downstairs. In the past week he had come to deeply care about Robin's daughter. She was bright, happy, loving, and energetic, and she had been a light of hope for him that he had desperately needed. He remembered her from 4 years ago, a malnourished baby, unloved and unwanted because of her health. The difference between the baby then and the little girl now was amazing, and testimony to Robin's love and care. Every time he saw Kiki smile or laugh, he was grateful that he had been able to help Robin and her group rescue Kiki and the children like her. It had been one of the few things in his life he felt he had truly done right.
There had been no question of turning Robin down when she had come to ask him to help her rescue "her children." He would admit to being surprised that she had come to him, but once he had seen the devastation and the condition of the children, he had understood. Personal feelings and complicated histories took a back seat to those children's lives. He hadn't told anyone what he was doing, although the only person he had really been in contact with back then had been Sonny. He had just withdrawn the cash that they were going to need, and dropped off the radar. It had been easy.
After he had returned to Port Charles Sonny had asked him what he had been doing, and he had given him a vague story of working business. He hadn't considered it a lie, even though he could see now that it was. But it had been a deeply personal event, something that he hadn't wanted to share with anyone, not even Sonny. He and Robin hadn't discussed anything that had happened between them in the past, but it had been a special time for him, seeing her again, helping her, doing something so worthwhile. It had been a good time in his life.
But it had ended quickly, and when it was over, he was left feeling more alone then ever before. Robin was happy. She was happy without him, with friends who loved and supported her the way that she deserved. She was surrounded by danger doing her volunteer work, but it was danger she choose, danger in the name of a worthwhile cause, not because of her criminal lover. And he was shocked to see firsthand how well-equipped she was to handle that danger. He saw how much she had, how rich and fulfilled she was in her life, and he was happy for her. But he wanted that for himself too. And he wasn't sure how to get it.
So he had returned to Port Charles, and he had tried to make a life for himself as Robin had. He had gone back to being Sonny's right-hand man, Carly's secret keeper & confidante, Liz's savior, AJ's tormentor.
And it had meant nothing.
None of it had truly touched him, not like it had before, not like it should. He went through the motions of what he thought he should do, and ignored what was missing, closing himself down a little more everyday. He had tried, but it had all been meaningless. He woke up, he ate, he dealt with people and handled their problems, and started to crumble under the weight of petty needs and desires of the people who claimed to care for him. They spouted their "I cares" and their "I love yours" but they never looked at him, and saw what the weight of their needs were doing to him. They never cared to see what his needs were, they never asked. For them, it hadn't mattered, he hadn't really mattered, and it had overwhelmed him, driving him to the point of hatred, hatred for all of them.
And so he had planned.
It hadn't been hard, in fact, it had been surprisingly easy. He had quietly and deliberately moved his monetary interests to safe places that he could access, no matter what. He hadn't done it all, of course, he didn't want anyone to become suspicious whether during or after, but he had done enough. He had already had so much hidden away, a useful precaution he had learned from Sonny, that when he was finished he had set aside more that he would ever need. All that had been left was to implement his plan.
He should have struggled with it, but he hadn't. When he finally put the final stages of his plan into motion, when he watched the fiery crash that would signal the death of Jason Morgan, he had felt only relief, a blinding, all consuming sense of freedom. He was free of them, all of them. No more demands. No more unceasing needs and petty concerns. No more complaints, or faults. No more of their clinging and selfish versions of friendship and concern. To the people he had once considered the most important people in the world to him, Jason Morgan was dead. And he was damn glad of it.
"Jason, are you all right?"
Startled out of his thoughts, Jason looked up to see Robin standing in front of him, a concerned look on her face. He hadn't even heard her come down the stairs.
"Fine," he said quietly. "I was just clearing the dishes." He stacked the dinner plates together, reluctant to look at her with his thoughts still in the past.
"I can do that, you fixed dinner," Robin said quietly.
He shook his head. "I'll get it, you just take care of Kiki."
Robin paused for a moment in consideration, than slowly nodded. "OK." She picked up her half-glass and gestured towards the living room. "I'll come downstairs when I'm done, if you'd like to join me."
Jason nodded.
Robin took a few steps back towards the stairs, hesitated, then turned back to look at him. "Are you sure you're all right?"
He smiled at her then, at her show of concern for him. She was the only person in his life who had ever really paid attention to how he truly felt. "I'm fine."
"Maybe when I'm done we can talk about everything," she said softly.
He stared at her for a moment, trying to ignore the tightening in his chest and the sudden dryness of his mouth. She smiled at him comfortingly, then turned and left.
Talk.
He stared blindly at the table. He had known the time would come where he would have to tell her what had happened and what his plans for the future were. There had been a week reprieve, something he hadn't counted on, but now it appeared to be over. Even Robin's patience and concern had its limits.
The problem was he wasn't sure if he could explain it to her. Oh, his reason for faking his death, while complicated, were something he could talk about. But what happened afterwards...he had never planned to come to her. He hadn't even realized what he was doing until she had opened the door and he had seen her beautiful face. But he had. Somehow, he had found himself on the doorstep of the one person in the world who had looked at him and really seen him, who had truly loved and cared for him, and had shown it everyday they were together. How could he explain to her that which he had no answer for himself? How could he explain to her that in his most desperate and depressed moment, there had been no question that she was the only person he could turn to? How could he explain that now that he was here, in her home, basking in the warmth and love and security that she had always fostered, he never wanted to leave?
Frozen inside without your touch,
without your love, darling.
Only you are the life among the dead. ----Evanescence
"OK, sweet girl," Robin handed her daughter her favorite plush, Phillipe, and tucked the covers around them both. "Time to go to sleep."
Kiki covered a yawn with a little hand. "One more story, mommy, I'm not sleepy yet."
Robin smiled and softly brushed a lock of ebony hair off Kiki's forehead. "I can see that. But you've had your quota of stories for tonight. It's way past your bedtime."
"Maybe Uncle Jason can tell me one?" Kiki asked hopefully.
'Uncle Jason,' she was still having a difficult time with that one. "You really like him, don't you?" Robin asked softly.
Kiki smiled and nodded her head, fighting to keep her eyes open. "Yea, he's nice. He told me stories every night when you were gone, about where he used to live."
Robin raised a brow in surprise. "He told you about home?"
Kiki shook her head. "Nu uh, he told me where he used to live," she clarified. "He said it stopped being home when you moved away," she said, parroting Jason's words to her. She scrunched her face up in a frown. "What's that mean?" She touched Robin on the hand when she didn't say anything. "Mommy?"
"Well," Robin took a deep breath, struggling to overcome her shock and emotional reaction at Jason's words. "It means that for some people, 'home' isn't a place to live, it's what you feel when you're with certain people, and when those people are gone you lose that special feeling."
"Oh," Kiki frowned again, trying to understand her mother's words. "Like you and me?"
Robin sighed in relief, and smiled. "Yes, like you and me. We're home to each other."
"So if you was home to Uncle Jason and then you went away, does that mean he came to live here and be home with us?"
"I don't know what Jason's plans are," Robin whispered, "we haven't discussed any of that yet. Right now, he's just staying with us while he gets better, OK?"
"OK," Kiki snuggled down into her bed, her interest in the conversation overwhelmed by her tiredness.
Leaning down, Robin brushed a soft kiss on her daughter's forehead. "I love you, sweetie."
"I love you too, mommy, sleep tight," Kiki's voice drifted off as she slipped into sleep.
"Sleep tight." With one last kiss, Robin reached over and switched off the bed lamp, leaving the room bathed in the soft blue light of Kiki's 'Blue's Clue's' night light. Quietly, she made her way out of the room, pausing once to through a last glance at her sleeping little girl.
All of this sight
I can't believe I couldn't see
Kept in the dark
but you were there in front of me I've been sleeping a 1000 years it seems.
I've got to open my eyes to everything. Without a thought
Without a voice
Without a soul Don't let me die here
There must be something wrong.
Bring me to life. ---Evanescence
She found Jason sitting in the living room, the lights dimmed, his eyes closed, and a glass in his hand. He had raided her CD collection again, and the soft, soulful melodies of Toni Braxton filled the air. She stood there in the doorway, taking a moment to study him unobserved.
He looked much better, more rested, more relaxed, then he had when he had shown up on her doorstep. He had looked so weary and ill, dark rings under his eyes, his skin pale and stretched taut over his bones. For every year since she had last seen him, he had seemed to have aged at least twice that.
However, one week later, he looked better. Oh, he still looked weary, but no more did he have that pinched, last-wits look of a desperate man. She knew he still needed time and peace to recuperate from whatever had driven him so close to the edge, she just wasn't sure whether her little family could afford to give it to him anymore. Kiki was growing too attached to him, and if she was honest with herself, she was beginning to feel stirrings that she had believed long dead. Living with him was bringing back good memories, memories of happier days. But they hadn't all been happy, and she had to keep that in mind, not just for herself, but for the little girl that lay sleeping upstairs.
"Is she asleep?" Jason asked softly, his eyes remaining closed.
"Yes," Robin said, making her way into the room and taking a seat on the loveseat facing his right.
He opened his eyes then, and gestured with his glass. "Do you want a drink?"
Robin shook her head, "I'm fine, thanks."
"She's a wonderful kid, Robin. You've done a great job with her."
Robin smiled softly, beaming with pride over her daughter. "Thanks. But she might not even be here if you hadn't helped me get Kiki and the others out of that awful place."
Jason shook his head slightly, denying her words. "You would have gotten them out with or without me."
"Maybe." Robin sighed, remembering the hellish conditions, the soldiers that denied help to the most helpless of victims, the hopelessness in the eyes of children who had never known anything else. She would have done anything to help them. "Why did you help me, Jason? When I called and asked you, I never really thought that you would. And yet you didn't even hesitate." It wasn't the question that she had expected to ask him, but it was one that had been in her head since that day 4 years ago, when she had tracked him down.
"It was the only time you had ever asked me for help, how could I turn you down?"
"That's not true."
Jason nodded. "Yea, it is. All you ever asked from me was that I love you, and let you love me in return. You never wanted me to solved your problems for you, or to fix your mistakes. You never wanted me to kill your enemies or save your lovers. You're the only person in my life, Robin, who just wanted me, not what I could do for you, just me."
Robin sat back against the sofa, a little shocked at his words, and the underlying bitterness in them. What had driven him to change his mind from thinking she had betrayed him, to thinking she was the only one who had been there for him? What did his words mean? And really, did she want to know? Did she want to get any more deeper involved in Jason's life then she had by taking him in?
"I'm sorry," Jason said quietly.
Robin blinked at him in confusion. "For what?"
Jason shrugged helplessly, and looked away. Such a simple question and yet fraught with so much. "For coming to you now. For not sticking around after the rescue mission when I wanted to. For letting you down so many times 5 years ago. For not fighting for us. For...for everything."
"Jason..."
"No," he looked at her, his eyes glistening in the dim light. She had to listen to him, she had to understand. "I am. You have to understand. If I could go back..."
She shook her head gently, her eyes sad. "But you can't," she finished softly.
"No."
Robin sighed and shifted on the sofa, her gaze distant. It felt so long ago, that emotional time of her life: the highs had been wonderful, but the lows had been devastating. She had lost herself in the lies, the drama, the uncertainty, and as amazing as she and Jason had been together, in hindsight, it hadn't been worth it. The cost had been too dear. And for all of the mistakes she could hold Jason accountable for, letting their relationship drag on as miserably long as it had was all on her. He hadn't forced her to stay in that unbearable situation, she had done that to herself.
"What are you thinking?"
Robin looked up, startled out of her reverie. Jason was leaning on his knees, staring into his glass, hunched over as if in anticipation of a blow. "About the past," she sighed. "About our past."
"It was my fault."
"Yes, some of it was," she admitted matter-of-factly. "And some of it was mine. I should never have gone along with the lie about AJ and Michael, or put up with the Carly situation for as long as I did. I didn't want to admit that it was hopeless, and so I kept ignoring it until it all went to Hell."
"Because you loved me," he concluded softly. Through everything, that was the one thing that he had never doubted.
"Yes."
"I loved you too, Robin."
"I know, but it wasn't enough," she said resignedly. She had come to terms with it a long time ago, that his love for her hadn't been enough. It hadn't been enough to overcome his blindness, his stubbornness.
"No, I wanted everything." Jason swallowed hard, that admission costing him. It was hard to admit how selfish he had been, how determined to have everything his way, regardless of what anyone else had felt. And the person who had paid the price for the lie that he had perpetuated, had been the one who hadn't wanted to have anything to do with it in the first place.
Robin looked at Jason's bowed head. "And now?"
"I don't want any of it, none of it was worth it."
She sighed, her heart heavy for him. What had happened between them was in the past, she had gotten through it, over it, but it saddened her to see him still mired in it. She was grateful to clear the air, but their past history didn't explain his actions of the past few weeks. "Why did you fake your death, Jason? Why didn't you tell Sonny what you were doing? Or even Carly?"
"Because they're part of the reason I decided to fake my death."
"What?" She asked him in surprise.
"I needed to get away from them, Robin, I needed to get away from all of them. From their needs, from their petty fights, from them. I was drowning, Robin, and I just couldn't take it anymore. Everyone kept pulling at me, wanting me to fix this for them, save them from that, keep them from falling apart, stop their lives from blowing up because they were stupid." His voice was passionate with memories and emotions. The same emotions that had driven him to the brink just a short time ago.
"I always thought you enjoyed being the hero to everyone," Robin admitted softly. "Saving Carly from her latest fiasco, playing Sonny's henchman."
"I did. When I woke up from the accident, I spent so much time frustrated because I couldn't give people what they wanted and they wouldn't leave me alone, that it was nice to be able to actually do what people needed. I knew how to save Carly from her mistakes, I knew how to get rid of Sonny's enemies and how to handled them, it was all so easy for me."
"But it got harder," she concluded.
He looked up then, but stared straight ahead, caught in the past. "It became suffocating. That's all I did. All I did was spend time rescuing people from themselves. They wouldn't leave me alone. There was nothing left for me."
"But why fake your death? Why not just leave?"
He looked at her then, his eyes burning with the light of a trapped man. "Because I knew it would never end unless they thought I was dead. It would never be over. I'd always feel obligated, knowing they were back in Port Charles, getting into mistakes that I could fix, looking to me to save them. I just needed it to end, forever. I needed to make a clean break, and this is the only way I could do it."
"And why come to me?"
He looked away, unable to meet her eyes. The one thing he wasn't sure he could explain, and the thing she needed to know the most. "I didn't...I didn't plan on it. I was supposed to go to this place in the Alps. Cold, isolated."
"And yet you ended up here."
"Yea."
"Why Jason?" She pushed him. "I really need to know."
"I don't know. I just...I needed something, I needed...someone...to care about me, really about me, someone who could..."
"Save you?" Robin shook her head, a little disturbed by this thought. Was that why he had come to her? So she could save him from himself? "I can't save you, Jason. I can't be for you what you tell me you've been for everyone else. I'm not your mother, I'm not your lover. I'm not even your friend anymore, so why are you coming to me now?"
"Because you're the only person in my life who I've been able to count on, who's always tried to be there for me rather then the other way around. Not even Sonny...I know you can't save me, I know that," he said passionately. "And I know we're not even friends anymore. But maybe...maybe if you gave it a chance, maybe we could be again. I was wrong, Robin, 5 years ago, I know that now, and I can't make up for it, none of it. But maybe we can start over. I found out...there's a place down the block that's going up for sale. I thought maybe I could buy it. And when I went with Kiki and Mdm Rouseau to Little House, the man who runs it, Ian, said they were looking for volunteers." His words stumbled over each other, landing between them as if they were shards of glass. He wanted this so badly, he wanted to badly to be a part of her life again, but it was coming out wrong and he couldn't seem to stop it.
"Jason...things are different now. I'm different, we both are. And I have to be honest with you, I'm not sure if I want you in my life again." She sighed as Jason flinched a little at her words, and looked away from her. "I'm not saying this to hurt you, I'm really not. But I'm happy with my life, with my daughter, and I'm not willing to turn it upside down and risk my child's happiness just so you can have a place to heal until you're ready to return to Port Charles."
She didn't understand. "That's not going to happen. No, it's not," he affirmed as he saw the doubt in her eyes. "That part of my life is over. I don't want it anymore. And I just got finished doing everything in my power to make sure that that life is as dead and buried as 'Jason Morgan' is." He took a deep breath. "Robin, even if you don't want me here, I'm not going back to Port Charles. Ever. If you want me to leave, I will, I swear I don't want to hurt you or Kiki. That's the last thing I would ever want to do."
She believed him, and it worried her a little. "I'm trying to understand this all, Jason, I really am. I just...don't. After all of these years, you show up out of the blue, asking me for...what?"
"A chance, just a chance. I don't deserve one, I have no right to ask you for one, but I want it, Robin. You say we don't know each other, and that's true, but we can get to know each other again, see who we are now, and take it from there. No pressure, no expectations. We were friends once. You were the first person I saw when I woke up, and you're the first person who ever looked at me and saw me. I just...I want all of that back."
"But you want to be more then friends, don't you?" She asked cautiously. Did she want to have him in her life again? Was she willing to take that risk?
"I want whatever you are willing to give me. Whatever you want, Robin, you make the rules, and I'll follow them. I know I've broken promises before, but I swear to you, I will never hurt you or Kiki. I'd die before I did that."
She shook her head, stunned at his revelations. She hadn't expected him to ask for a place in her life, it had been the last thing she had expected. He seemed so earnest, so determined, and so vulnerable. But to have him in her life again, to have him in Kiki's life again, she just wasn't sure if she was willing to do that, on any level. "Jason, I don't know. I just...I need to think about this. I have to be sure this is the right thing for myself and for Kiki. She is my first priority, Jason, now and always. You need to understand that."
He nodded. "I understand." And he did. If it meant hurting either Robin or Kiki, he'd leave in a second. But if there was a chance for him to be a part of their lives, any little part, he had to try. Two weeks ago, he had been down to nothing, no reserves, no energy, no positive feeling of any kind, just the burning, all encompassing need to escape. One week ago he had been in despair, free, but at his wit's end as to what to do with that freedom, and how to reclaim his heart and soul. Now...now, he knew how to do it, how to find himself again, how to find some happiness and sanity, and that answer sat across from him on the sofa, wearing a confused look on her face. She was his answer, to everything. He could live without her, he could survive. But that's all it would be, survival. And he wanted more then that. "Robin, whatever you decide...I just want to thank you, for taking me in and taking care of me. You didn't have to do that, but you did, and I appreciate it."
"You're welcome," she said softly. Sighing, she stood up. "I'm...I'm going to head up to bed," she gestured towards the stairs.
"OK." Jason nodded, remaining seated and watching her with steady eyes.
"I have to take Kiki to her early morning class, we'll try not to wake you." He nodded. Robin made her way to the stairs, then turned back for one last look at her solemn houseguest. "Good night, Jason."
"G'night, Robin."
-------
Don't let me die here
There must be something wrong.
Bring me to life.
Bring me to life.
I've been living a lie
There's nothing inside. Bring me to life ----Evanescence
He woke up slowly, feeling as if he had a hangover. An emotional one anyway, because he'd only had one glass of Scotch.
He'd screwed it up and he knew it.
It was bitter in his mouth, the knowledge that he had bungled so badly with Robin last night. Could he have been any pushier and needy? How could he have put it so terribly? She was never going to give him a chance. And why should she? He hadn't given her a reason to. Not the last time they were together, and not last night. He had wanted it so badly, that chance. He hadn't realized how much until he'd started talking, and yet he had screwed it up. Robin, Kiki...he was going to lose them, just when he found them, and he had no one to blame but himself.
Sighing, Jason leveled himself out of the guest bed and threw on some clothes. It was after 9am, he'd even missed having breakfast with the ladies of the house.
He padded down stairs with bare feet and bare chest, and made his way to the kitchen. He'd get something to eat, and then try and figure out what to do. He couldn't stay here anymore, Robin wouldn't want it, and he couldn't blame her. There was no other choice: his place in the Alps was still waiting, and at least there he wouldn't hurt the last person on Earth he would ever want to hurt again.
The envelope on the table caught his attention as he went to sit down. It had his name written on it, in elegant script. Robin's handwriting. He picked it up, his food forgotten, and just stared at it. It mocked him. He knew what it was, it was a polite note telling him that she had thought it over, and she wanted him out of her house and out of her life, forever. Did he even have to read it?
Yea, he did.
With a dry mouth and damp palms, he slowly opened the envelope and pulled out the sheet of paper inside.
"Jason, hope you had a good night's sleep. Kiki was sorry to miss you at breakfast. We'll be back around 4pm. Why don't you see if you can set up an appointment to view that house down the block, and we'll all go together? No promises, but it's a chance. Robin."
He had to read it 4 times before it fully sank in, before he really understood. And once he did, he couldn't stop himself from smiling. She was giving him a chance. Whatever happened, whatever the future held, he had a chance.
And he'd never been more grateful for anything before in his life.
-------------
AUTHOR'S NOTES: OK, just in case I didn't make it clear, the time that Robin came to Jason and asked him for help in rescuing Kiki and the other children, was when Jason had left Port Charles and Sonny was the only one who knew where he was really. I remember hearing from others who were watching that Sonny was worried because he had lost contact with Jason, and I was always intrigued by the idea of him having met up with Robin during that time. I never really had a story for it, but it fit in perfectly with this story, so I made it part of their background. She tracked him down, asked him for his help (mostly because she needed someone who was had money and was not above breaking the law), and he agreed, helping her and her group rescue the children.
I originally envisioned this story of the faked death and running to Robin with Sonny in the lead role. It was my fix it for Sonny & Robin's relationship, and played along the lines of Sonny having a nervous breakdown and knowing the only person who could help him would be Robin and him running to her. But then this line came to me ("I can't save you, Jason. I can't be for you what you tell me you've been for everyone else. I'm not your mother, I'm not your lover. I'm not even your friend anymore, so why are you coming to me now?") and it changed into a Jason storyline.
As I said above, it was started before there was a Jip or a Brazen marriage, back when Jason was running around trying to save Carly, Sonny, and Liz from their varied disasters, and just grew into, "what would happen if Jason buckled under the weight of all of their expectations and had a breakdown?"
Thanks for reading,
Heather
AUTHOR: Heather
ARCHIVED: it will be on my site, http:www.romanticsgarden.com
RATED: PG for adult themes
DISCLAIMER: none of these characters, except for Kiki, belong to me. The story does belong to me, but I'm not making any profit on it, so don't worry! The song belongs to Evanscence.
COMPLETED: March 30, 2003
AUTHOR'S NOTES: This story was actually started back when Jason was running around, saving Liz, Carly, and Sonny from their mistakes, around the time when Liz was "torn" between Zander and Jason. So keep in mind, anything that happened in the show after then (Jip, LaRic, Brazen, etc.), didn't really happen in this universe.
---------
How can you see into my eyes
like open doors.
Leading you down into my core
where I've become so numb.
Without a soul
my spirit's sleeping somewhere cold
until you find it there and lead it back home. ---Evanescence
"Repudiated mob boss Jason Morgan was laid to rest today."
She stood off to the side, apart from the rest of the mourners. She had come on impulse, sliding into town without alerting friends and family of her presence, the same way that she would leave. Only her beloved Uncle knew that she was in town, and she had refused his offer to come with her. It was something private, personal, and she didn't want anyone to know.
The ceremony was quiet, solemn and sparse. She was surprised to recognize almost everyone there. After 10 years, she'd thought the faces would have changed, but then, Jason had always been select in his friends. Even the Quartermaines were here. It seemed that while Jason had been able to keep them away from his life, he couldn't from his death.
If there was one thing that she'd learned from the many funerals that she'd attended in her life, it was that they were for the living, not the dead. The pomp and circumstances, the speeches and the tears, the dead cared for none of those where they were. But it made the living feel better, and so they continued.
She remembered vividly her parent's funeral, how it had done her child's broken heart good to see the elaborate ceremony. Somehow, in the midst of her intense grief, it had made her feel the a tiny bit better to know that the town mourned and honored her beloved parents. The loss of a loved one was never easy to take, but somehow the burden felt a little lighter when you knew it was shared.
The ceremony was almost over.
For a moment, she considered changing her plans and approaching Alan and Monica. Part of her felt obligated to express her condolences. But the more reasonable part of her knew that it was better this way. After everything that had happened this past week, it would somehow be inappropriate. And since her relationship with their son had officially ended 10 years ago, too much time had passed. She would send her condolences from a distance. It was better this way.
The last handful of dirt was thrown, and the last mourner drifted away, but she remained. She stayed there until the coffin was lowered to the earth and filled over. She had to, she needed to see it done for it to be real.
Jason Morgan had been many things to many people: loyal friend, estranged son, arrogant criminal, ex-lover, common thug. To her, he had once been the most important person in her life. Once. But that had been years ago, a lifetime ago, and not even his funeral could change that fact.
And she still didn't know how to feel about that.
----------
Robin breathed a sigh of relief as she walked into her townhouse. It felt good to be home. It had only been a few days since she had left, and yet it seemed like a lifetime.
Setting her bag on the floor in the foyer and dropping her keys on the inn table, she hollered out, "I'm home."
The bundle of energy that tumbled down the stairs, screaming "mommy" brought a smile to her lips and lifted her heart. She caught Kiki in her arms, laughing at her daughter's enthusiasm.
"Mommy, I missed you!" Kiki exclaimed, giving Robin a wet kiss on the cheek.
"I missed you too, baby," Robin sighed, kissing her back and cuddling the small body to hers.
Kiki giggled at the endearment, her big brown eyes alight with happiness. "I'm not a baby, I'm a big girl!"
"That's right, I keep forgetting," Robin said in mock surprise. "How old are you now, 90?" Robin asked, setting her daughter down.
"Silly, mommy, I'm 4!" She exclaimed, covering her mouth with a little hand to hide her laughter.
Robin mockingly shook her head and clapped a hand to her forehead. "That's right, how could I forget that? Did you have a good time while I was gone?" She asked as she hung up her coat.
"Uh, huh," Kiki nodded, her dark curls bouncing. "Mere took me shopping and we went to Little House and played with the kids, and then Uncle read to me and told me stories every night."
Robin paused in surprise. "Uncle Dimitri came to visit?" She hadn't realized that Alex and Dimitri were in town.
"Not that Uncle," Kiki shook her head, "my new Uncle. I like him, mommy, he's nice to me."
Robin looked at her daughter in amazement, shocked that a man the child had just met had been elevated to such an honored status so quickly. What had happened in the few days that she'd been gone? "Uncle?" She repeated.
"Uh, huh." Kiki looked up at her mother, sensitive to Robin's emotions and worried that she had upset her. "Did I do something wrong, mommy?"
Robin forced a smile to her face, determined to reassure her child. She'd worry over the implication of the appellation "uncle," later. "Not at all, sweetie, I'm glad you like him."
The worry lifted off the little girl's face, and she smiled in relief. "I do, mommy, he's nice. Did you bring me something from your trip?"
Robin chuckled and reached for her purse, pulling out a little gift bag. "I did, but I'll have to get it for you later. In the meantime, Uncle Mac sent something for you."
"He did?" Kiki clapped in delight. Like all children, she loved all gifts, but Uncle Mac's were special. He always gave her the best gifts.
"He did," Robin handed her the bag and watched with a smile as Kiki reverently pulled out the gift inside. It was a beautiful Dragon figure, a perfect addition to Kiki's collection. She'd been fascinated with them ever since Mac had shown her Maxie and Georgie's old video "Pete's Dragon."
She hadn't been able to get enough since.
"It's beautiful, mommy," she said in awe.
"You'll have to be sure to write Uncle Mac a thank you note." Robin said softly, bending down and running a finger over her daughter's mocha colored, satiny cheek.
"I will," Kiki nodded solemnly. "Can I go and put it with my others?" She asked excitedly.
"Sure, I'll start to get dinner ready. Is Mere here?" Robin asked, straightening up.
"Nuh, huh, Uncle's here, Mere had to go home. You don't have to do dinner, he's going to make it!" Kiki hollered over her shoulder as she rushed up stairs.
Robin lifted an eyebrow at the child's departing words. He was fixing dinner?
"You're back."
Robin spun around in surprise to see a tall man standing in the doorway to the kitchen, a dish towel in his hands.
"Yes," she replied, unsure of how to talk to him.
He looked away from her and down at his hands, pulling the towel back and forth in an almost nervous gesture. "How was it?"
"Sad, solemn, it was a funeral," she sighed. "I didn't talk to anyone."
He looked up in surprise as she turned away to walk into the living room.
"Why not?" He followed her, a few paces away, and hovered in the entryway.
"I didn't feel it was my place." She said simply. What else could she say, it was the truth.
"Are you all right?" He asked hesitatingly. He couldn't read her mood, and it bothered him.
"I think so," she looked over at him, her eyes clear, and met his.
He crossed his arms over his chest and looked at her straight in her eyes. "Why did you do it? Why did you go?"
Sighing, she leaned against the sofa back and wondered how to reply. How did she give him an answer that she didn't quite have herself? "I'm not sure. Actually," she admitted honestly, "I feel unsure about a lot of things right now. I think there's just about one thing I really am sure of."
He frowned at her in confusion. "What?"
She laughed then, a little scoffingly, a little resignedly, but not without an amused sense of irony. Just what had her life come to in the past week? "For a dead man, Jason Morgan, you're in remarkably good health."
--------
Wake me up.
Wake me up inside.
I can't wake up.
Wake me up inside.
Save me.
Call my name and save me from the dark.
Wake me up.
Bid my blood to run.
I can't wake up.
Before I come undone.
Save me.
Save me from the nothing I've become. ----Evanescence
Robin smiled as Kiki played in the bath. As Felicia had remarked once, Kiki was a born water baby.
This was one of the times that she treasured, these quiet times with her child. Adopting Kiki had been one of the most important decisions she'd ever made, and one of the best and she had never regretted it. But adopting her had meant making the decision to stay in Paris permanently. As progressive as her home country was, there was still more discrimination against interracial adoptions than she was comfortable with. Here, no one blinked at a white woman with a dark-skinned child, and she'd do whatever it took to protect her daughter from unnecessary pain.
Which led to the question of what to do with the man downstairs.
He'd shown up on her doorstep late one night a week ago. Shocked was too mild a word for how she had felt upon seeing him. There had been something in his eyes, a mixture of pain and sorrow so deep that she was surprised he had been able to function. She had led him into her home without a word, seating him on the sofa, and wrapping an afghan around his shoulders. Whether he was shaking from shock or the cold, she wasn't sure, but for the first time since she had known him, Jason Morgan was chilled.
She hadn't known what to say to him, what to ask. What did one say to one's ex whom showed up on one's doorstep in the middle of the night? He was obviously seeking shelter, that much was clear, but what could drive him to seek her out?
Despite the unresolved pain in their past, or the years in between, she wouldn't turn him away, but she wasn't single anymore. There was more than just herself to worry about, so she had to ask the question.
"Is there anyone after you, Jason?"
He had looked at her then, as he hadn't since he had come inside, and his pain drenched eyes cleared for a moment, before he said, "No." He had taken a deep breath before he had continued. "To the world, I'm dead."
He'd started to cry then, not gulping sobs, but silent tears that tracked down his cheeks and broke her heart. She had held him close for most of the night, breaking away only to guide him to the guest room and tuck him in to sleep in the wee hours of the morning.
It wasn't until after breakfast that she realized Jason's comment was literally true. It was Mac, in his endearingly bumbling way that had called to break the news of Jason's "demise" to her. He had explained that, though there was no body recovered as of yet, it was impossible for Jason to have survived the crash. Officially, it had been ruled an accident, but off-the-record, there was some concern that it had been deliberate.
Although she had more questions than she could count, she hadn't confronted Jason with them that morning, or the next. She couldn't, he had slept for almost two days straight, and by the time he had awoken, looking more relaxed and yet still wounded, she had decided to let him tell her his story in his own time.
But a week had past, and she had watched for herself as their hometown had laid him to rest, and still he had not explained. Had he planned his "death?" Had he just taken advantage of an attempt on his life to leave? What had happened to traumatize him so? What were his plans now? And the most important of all, why had he come to her?
She had given him all the peace and space that she was able to, now was the time for him to give her something in return: answers.
Now that I know what I'm without
you can't just leave me.
Breathe into me and make me real
Bring me to life. ----Evanescence
Jason cleared the table, glancing up to see if Robin was coming down yet. She'd gone upstairs to give Kiki a bath and tuck her in bed, and he'd remained downstairs. In the past week he had come to deeply care about Robin's daughter. She was bright, happy, loving, and energetic, and she had been a light of hope for him that he had desperately needed. He remembered her from 4 years ago, a malnourished baby, unloved and unwanted because of her health. The difference between the baby then and the little girl now was amazing, and testimony to Robin's love and care. Every time he saw Kiki smile or laugh, he was grateful that he had been able to help Robin and her group rescue Kiki and the children like her. It had been one of the few things in his life he felt he had truly done right.
There had been no question of turning Robin down when she had come to ask him to help her rescue "her children." He would admit to being surprised that she had come to him, but once he had seen the devastation and the condition of the children, he had understood. Personal feelings and complicated histories took a back seat to those children's lives. He hadn't told anyone what he was doing, although the only person he had really been in contact with back then had been Sonny. He had just withdrawn the cash that they were going to need, and dropped off the radar. It had been easy.
After he had returned to Port Charles Sonny had asked him what he had been doing, and he had given him a vague story of working business. He hadn't considered it a lie, even though he could see now that it was. But it had been a deeply personal event, something that he hadn't wanted to share with anyone, not even Sonny. He and Robin hadn't discussed anything that had happened between them in the past, but it had been a special time for him, seeing her again, helping her, doing something so worthwhile. It had been a good time in his life.
But it had ended quickly, and when it was over, he was left feeling more alone then ever before. Robin was happy. She was happy without him, with friends who loved and supported her the way that she deserved. She was surrounded by danger doing her volunteer work, but it was danger she choose, danger in the name of a worthwhile cause, not because of her criminal lover. And he was shocked to see firsthand how well-equipped she was to handle that danger. He saw how much she had, how rich and fulfilled she was in her life, and he was happy for her. But he wanted that for himself too. And he wasn't sure how to get it.
So he had returned to Port Charles, and he had tried to make a life for himself as Robin had. He had gone back to being Sonny's right-hand man, Carly's secret keeper & confidante, Liz's savior, AJ's tormentor.
And it had meant nothing.
None of it had truly touched him, not like it had before, not like it should. He went through the motions of what he thought he should do, and ignored what was missing, closing himself down a little more everyday. He had tried, but it had all been meaningless. He woke up, he ate, he dealt with people and handled their problems, and started to crumble under the weight of petty needs and desires of the people who claimed to care for him. They spouted their "I cares" and their "I love yours" but they never looked at him, and saw what the weight of their needs were doing to him. They never cared to see what his needs were, they never asked. For them, it hadn't mattered, he hadn't really mattered, and it had overwhelmed him, driving him to the point of hatred, hatred for all of them.
And so he had planned.
It hadn't been hard, in fact, it had been surprisingly easy. He had quietly and deliberately moved his monetary interests to safe places that he could access, no matter what. He hadn't done it all, of course, he didn't want anyone to become suspicious whether during or after, but he had done enough. He had already had so much hidden away, a useful precaution he had learned from Sonny, that when he was finished he had set aside more that he would ever need. All that had been left was to implement his plan.
He should have struggled with it, but he hadn't. When he finally put the final stages of his plan into motion, when he watched the fiery crash that would signal the death of Jason Morgan, he had felt only relief, a blinding, all consuming sense of freedom. He was free of them, all of them. No more demands. No more unceasing needs and petty concerns. No more complaints, or faults. No more of their clinging and selfish versions of friendship and concern. To the people he had once considered the most important people in the world to him, Jason Morgan was dead. And he was damn glad of it.
"Jason, are you all right?"
Startled out of his thoughts, Jason looked up to see Robin standing in front of him, a concerned look on her face. He hadn't even heard her come down the stairs.
"Fine," he said quietly. "I was just clearing the dishes." He stacked the dinner plates together, reluctant to look at her with his thoughts still in the past.
"I can do that, you fixed dinner," Robin said quietly.
He shook his head. "I'll get it, you just take care of Kiki."
Robin paused for a moment in consideration, than slowly nodded. "OK." She picked up her half-glass and gestured towards the living room. "I'll come downstairs when I'm done, if you'd like to join me."
Jason nodded.
Robin took a few steps back towards the stairs, hesitated, then turned back to look at him. "Are you sure you're all right?"
He smiled at her then, at her show of concern for him. She was the only person in his life who had ever really paid attention to how he truly felt. "I'm fine."
"Maybe when I'm done we can talk about everything," she said softly.
He stared at her for a moment, trying to ignore the tightening in his chest and the sudden dryness of his mouth. She smiled at him comfortingly, then turned and left.
Talk.
He stared blindly at the table. He had known the time would come where he would have to tell her what had happened and what his plans for the future were. There had been a week reprieve, something he hadn't counted on, but now it appeared to be over. Even Robin's patience and concern had its limits.
The problem was he wasn't sure if he could explain it to her. Oh, his reason for faking his death, while complicated, were something he could talk about. But what happened afterwards...he had never planned to come to her. He hadn't even realized what he was doing until she had opened the door and he had seen her beautiful face. But he had. Somehow, he had found himself on the doorstep of the one person in the world who had looked at him and really seen him, who had truly loved and cared for him, and had shown it everyday they were together. How could he explain to her that which he had no answer for himself? How could he explain to her that in his most desperate and depressed moment, there had been no question that she was the only person he could turn to? How could he explain that now that he was here, in her home, basking in the warmth and love and security that she had always fostered, he never wanted to leave?
Frozen inside without your touch,
without your love, darling.
Only you are the life among the dead. ----Evanescence
"OK, sweet girl," Robin handed her daughter her favorite plush, Phillipe, and tucked the covers around them both. "Time to go to sleep."
Kiki covered a yawn with a little hand. "One more story, mommy, I'm not sleepy yet."
Robin smiled and softly brushed a lock of ebony hair off Kiki's forehead. "I can see that. But you've had your quota of stories for tonight. It's way past your bedtime."
"Maybe Uncle Jason can tell me one?" Kiki asked hopefully.
'Uncle Jason,' she was still having a difficult time with that one. "You really like him, don't you?" Robin asked softly.
Kiki smiled and nodded her head, fighting to keep her eyes open. "Yea, he's nice. He told me stories every night when you were gone, about where he used to live."
Robin raised a brow in surprise. "He told you about home?"
Kiki shook her head. "Nu uh, he told me where he used to live," she clarified. "He said it stopped being home when you moved away," she said, parroting Jason's words to her. She scrunched her face up in a frown. "What's that mean?" She touched Robin on the hand when she didn't say anything. "Mommy?"
"Well," Robin took a deep breath, struggling to overcome her shock and emotional reaction at Jason's words. "It means that for some people, 'home' isn't a place to live, it's what you feel when you're with certain people, and when those people are gone you lose that special feeling."
"Oh," Kiki frowned again, trying to understand her mother's words. "Like you and me?"
Robin sighed in relief, and smiled. "Yes, like you and me. We're home to each other."
"So if you was home to Uncle Jason and then you went away, does that mean he came to live here and be home with us?"
"I don't know what Jason's plans are," Robin whispered, "we haven't discussed any of that yet. Right now, he's just staying with us while he gets better, OK?"
"OK," Kiki snuggled down into her bed, her interest in the conversation overwhelmed by her tiredness.
Leaning down, Robin brushed a soft kiss on her daughter's forehead. "I love you, sweetie."
"I love you too, mommy, sleep tight," Kiki's voice drifted off as she slipped into sleep.
"Sleep tight." With one last kiss, Robin reached over and switched off the bed lamp, leaving the room bathed in the soft blue light of Kiki's 'Blue's Clue's' night light. Quietly, she made her way out of the room, pausing once to through a last glance at her sleeping little girl.
All of this sight
I can't believe I couldn't see
Kept in the dark
but you were there in front of me I've been sleeping a 1000 years it seems.
I've got to open my eyes to everything. Without a thought
Without a voice
Without a soul Don't let me die here
There must be something wrong.
Bring me to life. ---Evanescence
She found Jason sitting in the living room, the lights dimmed, his eyes closed, and a glass in his hand. He had raided her CD collection again, and the soft, soulful melodies of Toni Braxton filled the air. She stood there in the doorway, taking a moment to study him unobserved.
He looked much better, more rested, more relaxed, then he had when he had shown up on her doorstep. He had looked so weary and ill, dark rings under his eyes, his skin pale and stretched taut over his bones. For every year since she had last seen him, he had seemed to have aged at least twice that.
However, one week later, he looked better. Oh, he still looked weary, but no more did he have that pinched, last-wits look of a desperate man. She knew he still needed time and peace to recuperate from whatever had driven him so close to the edge, she just wasn't sure whether her little family could afford to give it to him anymore. Kiki was growing too attached to him, and if she was honest with herself, she was beginning to feel stirrings that she had believed long dead. Living with him was bringing back good memories, memories of happier days. But they hadn't all been happy, and she had to keep that in mind, not just for herself, but for the little girl that lay sleeping upstairs.
"Is she asleep?" Jason asked softly, his eyes remaining closed.
"Yes," Robin said, making her way into the room and taking a seat on the loveseat facing his right.
He opened his eyes then, and gestured with his glass. "Do you want a drink?"
Robin shook her head, "I'm fine, thanks."
"She's a wonderful kid, Robin. You've done a great job with her."
Robin smiled softly, beaming with pride over her daughter. "Thanks. But she might not even be here if you hadn't helped me get Kiki and the others out of that awful place."
Jason shook his head slightly, denying her words. "You would have gotten them out with or without me."
"Maybe." Robin sighed, remembering the hellish conditions, the soldiers that denied help to the most helpless of victims, the hopelessness in the eyes of children who had never known anything else. She would have done anything to help them. "Why did you help me, Jason? When I called and asked you, I never really thought that you would. And yet you didn't even hesitate." It wasn't the question that she had expected to ask him, but it was one that had been in her head since that day 4 years ago, when she had tracked him down.
"It was the only time you had ever asked me for help, how could I turn you down?"
"That's not true."
Jason nodded. "Yea, it is. All you ever asked from me was that I love you, and let you love me in return. You never wanted me to solved your problems for you, or to fix your mistakes. You never wanted me to kill your enemies or save your lovers. You're the only person in my life, Robin, who just wanted me, not what I could do for you, just me."
Robin sat back against the sofa, a little shocked at his words, and the underlying bitterness in them. What had driven him to change his mind from thinking she had betrayed him, to thinking she was the only one who had been there for him? What did his words mean? And really, did she want to know? Did she want to get any more deeper involved in Jason's life then she had by taking him in?
"I'm sorry," Jason said quietly.
Robin blinked at him in confusion. "For what?"
Jason shrugged helplessly, and looked away. Such a simple question and yet fraught with so much. "For coming to you now. For not sticking around after the rescue mission when I wanted to. For letting you down so many times 5 years ago. For not fighting for us. For...for everything."
"Jason..."
"No," he looked at her, his eyes glistening in the dim light. She had to listen to him, she had to understand. "I am. You have to understand. If I could go back..."
She shook her head gently, her eyes sad. "But you can't," she finished softly.
"No."
Robin sighed and shifted on the sofa, her gaze distant. It felt so long ago, that emotional time of her life: the highs had been wonderful, but the lows had been devastating. She had lost herself in the lies, the drama, the uncertainty, and as amazing as she and Jason had been together, in hindsight, it hadn't been worth it. The cost had been too dear. And for all of the mistakes she could hold Jason accountable for, letting their relationship drag on as miserably long as it had was all on her. He hadn't forced her to stay in that unbearable situation, she had done that to herself.
"What are you thinking?"
Robin looked up, startled out of her reverie. Jason was leaning on his knees, staring into his glass, hunched over as if in anticipation of a blow. "About the past," she sighed. "About our past."
"It was my fault."
"Yes, some of it was," she admitted matter-of-factly. "And some of it was mine. I should never have gone along with the lie about AJ and Michael, or put up with the Carly situation for as long as I did. I didn't want to admit that it was hopeless, and so I kept ignoring it until it all went to Hell."
"Because you loved me," he concluded softly. Through everything, that was the one thing that he had never doubted.
"Yes."
"I loved you too, Robin."
"I know, but it wasn't enough," she said resignedly. She had come to terms with it a long time ago, that his love for her hadn't been enough. It hadn't been enough to overcome his blindness, his stubbornness.
"No, I wanted everything." Jason swallowed hard, that admission costing him. It was hard to admit how selfish he had been, how determined to have everything his way, regardless of what anyone else had felt. And the person who had paid the price for the lie that he had perpetuated, had been the one who hadn't wanted to have anything to do with it in the first place.
Robin looked at Jason's bowed head. "And now?"
"I don't want any of it, none of it was worth it."
She sighed, her heart heavy for him. What had happened between them was in the past, she had gotten through it, over it, but it saddened her to see him still mired in it. She was grateful to clear the air, but their past history didn't explain his actions of the past few weeks. "Why did you fake your death, Jason? Why didn't you tell Sonny what you were doing? Or even Carly?"
"Because they're part of the reason I decided to fake my death."
"What?" She asked him in surprise.
"I needed to get away from them, Robin, I needed to get away from all of them. From their needs, from their petty fights, from them. I was drowning, Robin, and I just couldn't take it anymore. Everyone kept pulling at me, wanting me to fix this for them, save them from that, keep them from falling apart, stop their lives from blowing up because they were stupid." His voice was passionate with memories and emotions. The same emotions that had driven him to the brink just a short time ago.
"I always thought you enjoyed being the hero to everyone," Robin admitted softly. "Saving Carly from her latest fiasco, playing Sonny's henchman."
"I did. When I woke up from the accident, I spent so much time frustrated because I couldn't give people what they wanted and they wouldn't leave me alone, that it was nice to be able to actually do what people needed. I knew how to save Carly from her mistakes, I knew how to get rid of Sonny's enemies and how to handled them, it was all so easy for me."
"But it got harder," she concluded.
He looked up then, but stared straight ahead, caught in the past. "It became suffocating. That's all I did. All I did was spend time rescuing people from themselves. They wouldn't leave me alone. There was nothing left for me."
"But why fake your death? Why not just leave?"
He looked at her then, his eyes burning with the light of a trapped man. "Because I knew it would never end unless they thought I was dead. It would never be over. I'd always feel obligated, knowing they were back in Port Charles, getting into mistakes that I could fix, looking to me to save them. I just needed it to end, forever. I needed to make a clean break, and this is the only way I could do it."
"And why come to me?"
He looked away, unable to meet her eyes. The one thing he wasn't sure he could explain, and the thing she needed to know the most. "I didn't...I didn't plan on it. I was supposed to go to this place in the Alps. Cold, isolated."
"And yet you ended up here."
"Yea."
"Why Jason?" She pushed him. "I really need to know."
"I don't know. I just...I needed something, I needed...someone...to care about me, really about me, someone who could..."
"Save you?" Robin shook her head, a little disturbed by this thought. Was that why he had come to her? So she could save him from himself? "I can't save you, Jason. I can't be for you what you tell me you've been for everyone else. I'm not your mother, I'm not your lover. I'm not even your friend anymore, so why are you coming to me now?"
"Because you're the only person in my life who I've been able to count on, who's always tried to be there for me rather then the other way around. Not even Sonny...I know you can't save me, I know that," he said passionately. "And I know we're not even friends anymore. But maybe...maybe if you gave it a chance, maybe we could be again. I was wrong, Robin, 5 years ago, I know that now, and I can't make up for it, none of it. But maybe we can start over. I found out...there's a place down the block that's going up for sale. I thought maybe I could buy it. And when I went with Kiki and Mdm Rouseau to Little House, the man who runs it, Ian, said they were looking for volunteers." His words stumbled over each other, landing between them as if they were shards of glass. He wanted this so badly, he wanted to badly to be a part of her life again, but it was coming out wrong and he couldn't seem to stop it.
"Jason...things are different now. I'm different, we both are. And I have to be honest with you, I'm not sure if I want you in my life again." She sighed as Jason flinched a little at her words, and looked away from her. "I'm not saying this to hurt you, I'm really not. But I'm happy with my life, with my daughter, and I'm not willing to turn it upside down and risk my child's happiness just so you can have a place to heal until you're ready to return to Port Charles."
She didn't understand. "That's not going to happen. No, it's not," he affirmed as he saw the doubt in her eyes. "That part of my life is over. I don't want it anymore. And I just got finished doing everything in my power to make sure that that life is as dead and buried as 'Jason Morgan' is." He took a deep breath. "Robin, even if you don't want me here, I'm not going back to Port Charles. Ever. If you want me to leave, I will, I swear I don't want to hurt you or Kiki. That's the last thing I would ever want to do."
She believed him, and it worried her a little. "I'm trying to understand this all, Jason, I really am. I just...don't. After all of these years, you show up out of the blue, asking me for...what?"
"A chance, just a chance. I don't deserve one, I have no right to ask you for one, but I want it, Robin. You say we don't know each other, and that's true, but we can get to know each other again, see who we are now, and take it from there. No pressure, no expectations. We were friends once. You were the first person I saw when I woke up, and you're the first person who ever looked at me and saw me. I just...I want all of that back."
"But you want to be more then friends, don't you?" She asked cautiously. Did she want to have him in her life again? Was she willing to take that risk?
"I want whatever you are willing to give me. Whatever you want, Robin, you make the rules, and I'll follow them. I know I've broken promises before, but I swear to you, I will never hurt you or Kiki. I'd die before I did that."
She shook her head, stunned at his revelations. She hadn't expected him to ask for a place in her life, it had been the last thing she had expected. He seemed so earnest, so determined, and so vulnerable. But to have him in her life again, to have him in Kiki's life again, she just wasn't sure if she was willing to do that, on any level. "Jason, I don't know. I just...I need to think about this. I have to be sure this is the right thing for myself and for Kiki. She is my first priority, Jason, now and always. You need to understand that."
He nodded. "I understand." And he did. If it meant hurting either Robin or Kiki, he'd leave in a second. But if there was a chance for him to be a part of their lives, any little part, he had to try. Two weeks ago, he had been down to nothing, no reserves, no energy, no positive feeling of any kind, just the burning, all encompassing need to escape. One week ago he had been in despair, free, but at his wit's end as to what to do with that freedom, and how to reclaim his heart and soul. Now...now, he knew how to do it, how to find himself again, how to find some happiness and sanity, and that answer sat across from him on the sofa, wearing a confused look on her face. She was his answer, to everything. He could live without her, he could survive. But that's all it would be, survival. And he wanted more then that. "Robin, whatever you decide...I just want to thank you, for taking me in and taking care of me. You didn't have to do that, but you did, and I appreciate it."
"You're welcome," she said softly. Sighing, she stood up. "I'm...I'm going to head up to bed," she gestured towards the stairs.
"OK." Jason nodded, remaining seated and watching her with steady eyes.
"I have to take Kiki to her early morning class, we'll try not to wake you." He nodded. Robin made her way to the stairs, then turned back for one last look at her solemn houseguest. "Good night, Jason."
"G'night, Robin."
-------
Don't let me die here
There must be something wrong.
Bring me to life.
Bring me to life.
I've been living a lie
There's nothing inside. Bring me to life ----Evanescence
He woke up slowly, feeling as if he had a hangover. An emotional one anyway, because he'd only had one glass of Scotch.
He'd screwed it up and he knew it.
It was bitter in his mouth, the knowledge that he had bungled so badly with Robin last night. Could he have been any pushier and needy? How could he have put it so terribly? She was never going to give him a chance. And why should she? He hadn't given her a reason to. Not the last time they were together, and not last night. He had wanted it so badly, that chance. He hadn't realized how much until he'd started talking, and yet he had screwed it up. Robin, Kiki...he was going to lose them, just when he found them, and he had no one to blame but himself.
Sighing, Jason leveled himself out of the guest bed and threw on some clothes. It was after 9am, he'd even missed having breakfast with the ladies of the house.
He padded down stairs with bare feet and bare chest, and made his way to the kitchen. He'd get something to eat, and then try and figure out what to do. He couldn't stay here anymore, Robin wouldn't want it, and he couldn't blame her. There was no other choice: his place in the Alps was still waiting, and at least there he wouldn't hurt the last person on Earth he would ever want to hurt again.
The envelope on the table caught his attention as he went to sit down. It had his name written on it, in elegant script. Robin's handwriting. He picked it up, his food forgotten, and just stared at it. It mocked him. He knew what it was, it was a polite note telling him that she had thought it over, and she wanted him out of her house and out of her life, forever. Did he even have to read it?
Yea, he did.
With a dry mouth and damp palms, he slowly opened the envelope and pulled out the sheet of paper inside.
"Jason, hope you had a good night's sleep. Kiki was sorry to miss you at breakfast. We'll be back around 4pm. Why don't you see if you can set up an appointment to view that house down the block, and we'll all go together? No promises, but it's a chance. Robin."
He had to read it 4 times before it fully sank in, before he really understood. And once he did, he couldn't stop himself from smiling. She was giving him a chance. Whatever happened, whatever the future held, he had a chance.
And he'd never been more grateful for anything before in his life.
-------------
AUTHOR'S NOTES: OK, just in case I didn't make it clear, the time that Robin came to Jason and asked him for help in rescuing Kiki and the other children, was when Jason had left Port Charles and Sonny was the only one who knew where he was really. I remember hearing from others who were watching that Sonny was worried because he had lost contact with Jason, and I was always intrigued by the idea of him having met up with Robin during that time. I never really had a story for it, but it fit in perfectly with this story, so I made it part of their background. She tracked him down, asked him for his help (mostly because she needed someone who was had money and was not above breaking the law), and he agreed, helping her and her group rescue the children.
I originally envisioned this story of the faked death and running to Robin with Sonny in the lead role. It was my fix it for Sonny & Robin's relationship, and played along the lines of Sonny having a nervous breakdown and knowing the only person who could help him would be Robin and him running to her. But then this line came to me ("I can't save you, Jason. I can't be for you what you tell me you've been for everyone else. I'm not your mother, I'm not your lover. I'm not even your friend anymore, so why are you coming to me now?") and it changed into a Jason storyline.
As I said above, it was started before there was a Jip or a Brazen marriage, back when Jason was running around trying to save Carly, Sonny, and Liz from their varied disasters, and just grew into, "what would happen if Jason buckled under the weight of all of their expectations and had a breakdown?"
Thanks for reading,
Heather