Chapter Eighteen: To Suffer Alone
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The news of the travelers' deaths came to the Gamgees the morning Rosie overheard it in the bar. In truth, everyone in Hobbiton and Bywater had heard of the news and it traveled down to Tookland and the northern towns of the Shire two days after. The sky was brighter although the days in everyone's minds became darker and dismal.
A small group had gathered on top of a lone hill early in April. The sun was out and it was a beautiful day; the wild flowers began to bloom in the feral areas and the only thing that stirred in the field was the light breeze. In the midst of the circle were empty beds of satin filled with flowers, one for Frodo Baggins, and the other for Samwise Gamgee.
The Thain blessed them as one by one, everyone gave their respects and threw their flowers in. The same ceremonies were occurring for Peregrin and Meriadoc in their hometowns that day as well.
There were silent tears and grieving; many kept their mourning to themselves. Many expected this day already for many of them already figured they had died in the start. But for Gaffer Gamgee, his face was grave and his eyes were grim, not wanting to believe Sam's death. The Cottons stood beside the Gamgees and many others who knew Sam Gamgee or Frodo Baggins came.
The Thain's lament for the two were deaf to her ears and Rosie had not cried. The wind gathered up again and Rosie lifted her eyes. Families were in black and the flower petals in the caskets fluttered. A handful of the flowers became caught in the breeze and she didn't watch them blow away. This wasn't supposed to happen, she thought, no, not like this.
And half an hour later, the crowd thinned and the Thain left. Four hobbits stood off on the side to take the beds away and they waited. The Gamgees left wanting, and yet not wanting, to forget and the Cottons waited for Rosie. She finally stepped forward when mostly everyone had left and looked down at the beds. She didn't know what to think or feel and she fingered the flowers in the bed. Someone had laid morning glory and she knelt down beside the casket and the memories came in vaguely.
And for that time, she barely noticed being helped to her feet or walking down with her family back home. She did not hear their attempts to comfort her or see the beds being carried away. She did not know of anything.
Then the first sound to her came and it was a crack and then a thunderous smack. She turned left and she left Tom's arms; she walked ahead to the top of the hill. At the top she stood their frozen and a lump formed in her throat. East of the hill, the ruffians gathered their axes and left the scene. The Party Tree had fallen. The strongest and oldest thing this Shire had known for generations was broken on the field.
They heard her faint cry and Tom and Nibs followed her up the hill, and when she ran down the hill, Tom caught her arm. "No, Rosie, don't! You can't do anything now, leave it be! Stay away from there, there are ruffians!" He said but she whipped her hands roughly away from him and ran towards it.
Tom and Nibs watched her run away and Farmer Cotton came to them. "Leave her alone for a little while. She won't come. I think Rosie has just opened her eyes." He said sadly and they made their way home.
Rosie ran all the way down to the party field and by that time the ruffians had left the tree to die. She stumbled over her steps and stopped in front of the tree abruptly. Then she fell onto her knees and began to cry for the first time. She grasped the bark and she bawled in stifling sobs.
She looked down at herself. The black dress her mother had found for her was spread around her as if it was a dark hole and her netted gloves were torn at the fingertips where she gripped the tree bark. Her curls stuck to her wet face and she rocked back and forth as she suffered alone in the field. She was a wreck without her Sam.
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Farmer Cotton came to the door after a faint knocking was heard and opened it to find Marigold.
"Marigold, please come in," Farmer Cotton said and she nodded her head. She took her sunbonnet off and twisted the ring on her finger. She had grown up quite fast and looked mature well beyond her years by the way she handled herself.
"Mister Cotton, I have come before our family leaves for the time being. Bagshot Row has been destroyed and our family is going to be living in Halfred's home secretly up north until times get better, if they ever will," She said solemnly and Farmer Cotton shook his head.
"I am terribly sorry, Miss Marigold. It's hard to believe Bagshot Row has been overtaken as well. Let me speak with your father. There is enough room for your family here. What do you mean by secretly?" He offered and she shook her head sadly.
"You cannot, Mr. Cotton. Our father is living in one of the new houses built by the Chief and it is not allowed. We should be living in there too, but we sneaked out before the ruffians noticed and our gaffer stayed behind. It was hard for him to see our home like that. There are many Rules and they cannot be disobeyed. Please leave him be for now. I would hate for anything to happen to you, sir," Marigold said and she bowed her head. She couldn't cry in front of Mister Cotton, it wouldn't be proper.
She continued and despite her strong face her voice cracked, "The reason I came is for Rosie. Is she upstairs? I must speak with her before we leave," She said and Farmer Cotton nodded.
"Don't expect her to talk, or be awake for any matter. She's been the same for months and now that she is home and the Green Dragon is closed, she doesn't come out," He explained and she nodded. She handed a box carefully in her hands and headed up the steps.
The door was closed and Marigold opened it slowly in case she was asleep. An abandoned bowl of food was left under her bedside untouched and the curtains were drawn and the candles were glowing down to the stubs. Marigold stepped forward in the dim dark and knelt down to Rosie's face. She could tell she was awake but she didn't take heed her presence there. Her face was towards Marigold and Marigold brushed the curls away from her face. Her eyes were distant and her eyelashes fluttered as if she was recalling something mentally.
"Oh, Rosie, poor lass… listen. I have something I found in the rubble of Bagshot Row after the ruffians wrecked it and you may keep it. I hope I will see you again soon. For now, I must be leaving," She cooed and Rosie blinked slowly as she listened. She hadn't cried in a while, she had cried herself out too much before.
Marigold set it down beside her mattress and left with a kiss on Rosie's temple. She left with a few last words to Farmer Cotton saying, "Tell Tom I will miss him dearly." She closed the door and left and for months the Gamgees were not seen, save for the Gaffer.
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For an hour, Rosie laid there without moving until she finally threw her arm over weakly. She felt the top of the box. It wasn't until she felt somewhat a bit of strength in her to sit and take the box to her lap. Then she found an old shawl in her drawer and left her room with the box. She slipped out the door without the heed of her family.
Outside in the hour before complete darkness, Rosie walked through to the fields ahead of their houses. She walked on, not sure where she was going in her conscious state, but her heart did. She ended up in the middle of the field where the tiny wild bluebells grew where she shared them with Sam. The field was now scarce with the sight of flowers and patched of black dirt spotted the meadow. She limped down on her knees and her fingers traced the edge of the box gently.
It was a plain wooden box with small carvings and was lighter than she thought t would be. She held her breath for a moment and opened it. She wanted to wait to open it until she was stronger but she had to see what was inside. Deep down she knew of whom it concerned and she never wanted to forget Sam, no matter how much it hurt, and it did hurt very badly. Every time thoughts of him would come to her, it felt like her heart was bleeding.
The lid was open and she almost did not have the nerve to look down, but she did. Folded leaves of parchment were lined up rows and Rosie held one, then another, until she almost tore each leaf open with her frantic fingers. She would not believe what was in front of her, it seemed unreal.
Every folded letter had her name written over the top and when the seal was broken, at the bottom of every letter there was his name signed at the bottom. Rosie let out a slight moan and choked on her oncoming tears. These letters--- were letters to her
She read every letter twice and some more so. She read them in order of their dates and wanted to memorize everyone. They seemed countless…
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To Miss Cotton,
Rosie, I have never realy written a letter before to anyone other than my familie. I suppose I just wanted to write because I was thinking of you and thought you deserved a letter, and becides it would not hurt for me to practice…
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To Rosie Cotton,
The snowstorms have been harder than ever and perhaps afterwards I will send you my letters. I was thinking of that field of flowers you showed me before the snow came. They were lovely. Rosie, this might sound strange but I am glad you said no to Nolfarm Burrowes, and what I'm meaning is…
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Dear Rosie Cotton,
I wasn't expecting you by my window tonite, but I'm glad you came. I know I just gave you one of my letters, but I couldn't stop myself from writing another one. I cannot wait to see you by the Party Tree tomorrow night; maybe we can plan on meeting again some other nights just so we can talk. Rosie, truthfuly I cannot wait to see you again or any day afterwards…
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Dear Rosie,
I have been missing you so much. I have not seen you for weeks… If it was anything I have said in that letter I gave you, I am sorry but I do not regret what I said. It is so very true and I have feelings for you more than you can imagine. Everything about you, for I love your soft curls over your eyes and it is hard for me to admit to you that I get lost in them quite easily. If only I could say these things to you, but I can't. In fact, all I have been doing is writing to myself…
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Dearest Rosie,
I find these letters useless now. There is nothing else to hide now that I have told you. I love you, more than anything, and think of you more than anything else. Is it possible to be so in love with someone you almost forget yourself? I think it is because I can feel myself losing myself into you. I might sound silly but it is wholly true…
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Rosie stopped at this letter and noticed another in the box. It was without a seal and even without her name on the fold. She opened it slowly and she could tell he had not finished it. By the end of the letter she was weeping utterly in her anguish in the dead of night.
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Dearest Rose,
Yes, I know that you must get used to the name Rose but I cannot help myself. It fits so beautifully with your face, truly. Rosie my dear, this will be the last letter I write to you for a long time. If I remember tonite I will tell you where I keep my letters so you can read them. My love, tonite I will tell you truthfuly where I am headed off to with mister Frodo. I am wishing that I wont' be gone too long because if I do I will miss you sorely. I cannot go long without hearing your voice or seeing your face. Please do not forget me if I am long and I promise when I get back I won't leave you long ever again. Rosie remember I love you with all my heart and I will be back. Nothing will stop me from coming home.
I just want you to know how much I love your sweet laugh and smile, and even the way you look when you are quiet and you're not aware I am looking at you. You are everything in my eyes.
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And the letter stopped. Rosie trembled as she sobbed, the most she ever had, and set the letter up against her chest. She uttered several gasps and spoke into the nothingness of the night. "Sam…If you were only here next to me! If only…"
She paused and choked. Her voice sounded strange to her in the silence, "If I only told you I loved you again once more before you left… everything reminds me of you. Is it wrong for me to still think you are coming back or to believe that you aren't dead? They found you, they said, they did. As much as I didn't want to listen, they said it-it had to be you! But I still expect you to be coming home to me…coming home so I won't let you go again."
She kept the letters close to her lap and wept. "What can I do, Sam? It is too hard without you…you were everything and I love you. I won't say you're dead, I won't…Listen at what I sound like, I talk as if you were here…" She whispered and she curled up on the floor, lost in the grasses of the field. The bluebells drooped down over her.
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The summers were long and hot. It was too dangerous to say anything from their minds without being locked up. Many went to the west side of the river where the water wasn't as diluted and soon, a thick fog hung over the Shire from the chimney smoke. Supplies became lower and lower. The idea of living the way they used to was far from reach, but they kept their hopes, although they were slim.
The Cotton boys woke up every morning to work harder around the house and Rosie had left her room and did what she had to do for her family. There is always love in a family and so she tried to find her happiness in that, even though she still felt the hole in her heart. Her brothers had always been her best friends and they subtly did what they could to make her smile just a little.
One morning, Nick took Rosie from her making of breakfast right before the sunrise on their porch. He put an arm around her and looked at her troubled face. She waited for what he wanted to say and he saw a sad beauty in her eyes. "Rosie," He said and he faced her towards the horizon, "I know these times are hard, but be strong, please. We cannot be without your stableness, we look up to you and I speak the truth. We love you, sister."
She turned to her brother and gave him an adoring smile as her breath trembled. Then they hugged tightly for a long time as Nick stroked her hair consolingly.
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