What the hell am I doing?
Here I am, chasing down after one of the world's most wanted master thieves ever, and you would think that someone like me would have come up with a better strategery than what I've got now.
Strategery. Heh, I pulled a Dubya Bush.
But yeah, you'd think that with a halfway functional brain, I would've developed and executed a plan of attack more concrete and reasonably intelligible in my "Spider-Man versus Lupin" adventure. You know, set up some elaborate trap or engage in some sort of sneaky cat-and-mouse chase or something.
But noooo. What do I do instead? I decide to pull a Jackie Chan stunt behind a speedboat going over fifty miles an hour. Not that there's anything wrong with doing a Jackie Chan. Heck, I can out-Chan Jackie Chan. It's just that somehow, something's telling me that hanging onto a web-line attached to the back of a speeding speed boat –
-hanging onto dear life-
-and trying not to end up like a Taco Bell Chalupa ralphed over the side of a barge or whatever-
-probably wasn't the best idea I've concocted in a while.
So I ask myself again – what the hell am I doing?
-----------------
EARLIER
"Goemon!" Jigen said, revving the speed-boat in idle.
"You actually got yourself outta there?" Lupin exclaimed. "Always knew you were good, but against Spider-Man? Wow!"
"SPIDER-MAN??!" Jigen said. "Lupin, how in all hell did you manage to drag Spider-Man into –"
"Will you guys shut up?" Goemon barked. "I took the webhead down, but I'm not going to find out if I did the trick or not! Let's get –"
THWIP.
Goemon stopped in mid-dash and suddenly reeled backwards as if yanked on a rope from behind. Pulled into mid-air, Goemon's reverse flight was then cut short with a fist slamming on the back of his head. Unconsciousness rapidly overwhelmed Goemon's mind, and a red-gloved hand held Goemon up on his collar. The costumed figure holding up Goemon's unconscious body was no other than –
"Spider-Man. Great, THIS will send us on our way," Jigen muttered.
"Oh man, you wouldn't believe this," Spider-Man smirked. "Here I was, sitting under about a ton or so of metal, when I realized – I had super- powers and SAVED myself! Who would have thought?"
Dropping Goemon's body down on the ground, Spider-Man finished, "Now, why don't we all just find a Starbucks nearby and talk about –"
Even as Spider-Man's spider-sense shrieked violently, three bullets from Jigen's gun rocketed towards the costumed hero. Trying to flip away from the three gunshots, one grazed the left side of Spider-Man's waist.
"YEARGH!" Landing on his two feet into a low crouch, he clutched his gunshot wound, which was luckily a moderately shallow scratch. Before he could muster a wisecrack, he instinctively leapt to the side and narrowly dodged several more gunshots aimed at his chest. Somersaulting forward elegantly onto his toes, he extended his last working webshooter on his right hand and shot a quick webshot at Jigen's gun, which was steadily gripped with two hands.
The webshot managed to gum up Jigen's gun – and web his two hands together.
"WHA-AT?!" Jigen exclaimed.
"Shit!" Lupin hopped into the helm of the speedboat and shifted into forward gear.
"Oh come on!!!" Jigen grunted.
"We gotta roll!" Lupin said.
"Come on!!" Jigen grunted again. "Goemon gets an elaborate toe-to-toe fight scene, and all I get is this??"
"Dammit, piss and moan later!" Lupin exclaimed, roaring the speedboat to life as it abruptly kicked forward.
"Hey waitaminute," Spider-Man said, dashing forward at the rapidly escaping speedboat, "You guys are leaving my party? I haven't even served tea yet!" Spider-Man shot a webline at the back of the boat, hitting about half a foot away from the motor. "Nobody's got any manners nowadays. A little – YAAAAAA!!!!"
The limp webline abruptly went taut, jerking Spider-Man off his feet; the speedboat was now towing a fifteen-year old superhero hanging on desperately to a line of home-made web.
---------------------
NOW
"We could sure use one of your bright ideas right now," Jigen said, feebly trying to pull his hands out of the webbed mess which bound them together.
"Think it's your turn for bright ideas," Lupin said, briefly looking behind him, disappointed once again that a spider-powered superhero was still tagging along.
"I did," Jigen said. "I shot at him. He managed to dodge me. Now my hands are covered in freakish webbing." Jigen tried to pull the trigger on his pistol, but to no avail – the barrel and the trigger was gummed up. "It's DEFINITELY your turn."
"Okay okay, shut up for a minute, I'm thinking." Lupin swerved the boat to the right. Spider-Man arced wide left, almost hitting a heavy light-buoy. Unfortunately, amazing agility and makeshift gymnastics later and the hero was still hanging onto the webline, even as he faceplanted onto the cold New York harbor water.
"Uh, he's still there," Jigen said, as Spider-Man's yelps and screams could be heard into the immediate distance.
"Ya think?" Lupin spat.
As the speedboat entered a moderately narrow opening between two cargo ships, Lupin suddenly turned to Jigen and motioned him to take the helm.
"Drive!" Lupin shouted, making his way out of the driver's seat while Jigen switched places with him.
"Huh? Wha?" Jigen wrapped his bound arms around the wheel, clumsily trying to steer the boat with his forearms. Lupin, meanwhile, kicked the throttle forward while making his way to the back seat of the speedboat.
"As soon as we clear these ships, "Lupin exclaimed, "Make hard left."
"This had better be good," Jigen replied, as Lupin popped open the utility trunk underneath the back seats and pulled out a small hatchet. Crawling his way to the back of the boat, Lupin clutched one of the tie posts on the edge of the boat, looked straight at the webcrawler's white eyes, and waved.
"Hey hey now!" Spider-Man shouted. "Play nice – "
As soon as the boat cleared the front edges of the two parallel ships, Jigen swerved the wheel to the left with his forearms. And just as instantly as Jigen swerved to the left, Lupin gripped the tie post for dear life as he swung the hatchet at the webline on the back of the boat, cutting it – and Spider-Man – free. Spider-Man was rapidly flying at the hull of the right-hand ship before Jigen turned the speedboat out of sight.
---------------------
"AAAAIIIIIIEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!"
Oh god oh god oh god oh god . . . not only did I manage to scream like a girl, I'm also about to end up as Spider-Man paste on the side of this ship. Think, think, think! You're about to die in seconds! Aaaaggghhh . . .
Wait, that mast on that other ship. If I could hit that with a webline . . .
THWAP
There! I can use my momentum to swing away from this boat and just maybe throw myself back on . . .. OOMPH!
Fantastic. Just great. I think my legs need some massaging when I'm done. And I say this while I'm running up on the side of a boat. Congratulations, you've officially filled your stunt quota for an action story. And I did them all by myself.
Hmm, maybe I should check out a career as a stuntman.
Wait, at the speed I'm running, and the momentum I'm feeling from the webline, and the fact that I'm pretty much at the end of my (web) rope here, I still could . . . yeah, I could! I could slingshot myself back onto Leisure Suit Lupin's boat and . . .
. . . .gotta time this just right . . . .
------------------------
TEN SECONDS LATER
"Whew," Lupin gasped.
"Wow, an idea that actually worked. This one's going for the books," Jigen said. "We lost him?"
"Man, I hope so," Lupin replied, "otherwise I'd have to -"Stopping in mid- sentence, Lupin suddenly said, "Wait, you hear something? Like, some girl screaming?"
Jigen piqued his ears. "Yeah, actually, what's –"
Lupin then looked up and noticed a small dot in the sky rapidly getting larger. "Looks like a bird, or . . .. "
Jigen turned around and noticed the dot as well. "Or a plane . . . or . . . or . . . "
Lupin's eyes suddenly widened, realizing just exactly what was coming at them. "GOD DAMN IT! GOD DAMN IT! SPEED UP! IT'S –"
THWAP. The dot, now grown into a rapidly approaching red and blue super- hero (sans cape) shot a webline at Lupin's hatchet, gumming up his left hand.
"Spider-Man," Jigen groaned.
THWAP. Another webline tagged the end of the speedboat, and Spider-Man was essentially back to where he was at the beginning of this chapter.
"Great, back to where we started," Jigen muttered.
So how will this adventure conclude? Stay tuned for the final chapter . . . coming (relatively) soon.
Here I am, chasing down after one of the world's most wanted master thieves ever, and you would think that someone like me would have come up with a better strategery than what I've got now.
Strategery. Heh, I pulled a Dubya Bush.
But yeah, you'd think that with a halfway functional brain, I would've developed and executed a plan of attack more concrete and reasonably intelligible in my "Spider-Man versus Lupin" adventure. You know, set up some elaborate trap or engage in some sort of sneaky cat-and-mouse chase or something.
But noooo. What do I do instead? I decide to pull a Jackie Chan stunt behind a speedboat going over fifty miles an hour. Not that there's anything wrong with doing a Jackie Chan. Heck, I can out-Chan Jackie Chan. It's just that somehow, something's telling me that hanging onto a web-line attached to the back of a speeding speed boat –
-hanging onto dear life-
-and trying not to end up like a Taco Bell Chalupa ralphed over the side of a barge or whatever-
-probably wasn't the best idea I've concocted in a while.
So I ask myself again – what the hell am I doing?
-----------------
EARLIER
"Goemon!" Jigen said, revving the speed-boat in idle.
"You actually got yourself outta there?" Lupin exclaimed. "Always knew you were good, but against Spider-Man? Wow!"
"SPIDER-MAN??!" Jigen said. "Lupin, how in all hell did you manage to drag Spider-Man into –"
"Will you guys shut up?" Goemon barked. "I took the webhead down, but I'm not going to find out if I did the trick or not! Let's get –"
THWIP.
Goemon stopped in mid-dash and suddenly reeled backwards as if yanked on a rope from behind. Pulled into mid-air, Goemon's reverse flight was then cut short with a fist slamming on the back of his head. Unconsciousness rapidly overwhelmed Goemon's mind, and a red-gloved hand held Goemon up on his collar. The costumed figure holding up Goemon's unconscious body was no other than –
"Spider-Man. Great, THIS will send us on our way," Jigen muttered.
"Oh man, you wouldn't believe this," Spider-Man smirked. "Here I was, sitting under about a ton or so of metal, when I realized – I had super- powers and SAVED myself! Who would have thought?"
Dropping Goemon's body down on the ground, Spider-Man finished, "Now, why don't we all just find a Starbucks nearby and talk about –"
Even as Spider-Man's spider-sense shrieked violently, three bullets from Jigen's gun rocketed towards the costumed hero. Trying to flip away from the three gunshots, one grazed the left side of Spider-Man's waist.
"YEARGH!" Landing on his two feet into a low crouch, he clutched his gunshot wound, which was luckily a moderately shallow scratch. Before he could muster a wisecrack, he instinctively leapt to the side and narrowly dodged several more gunshots aimed at his chest. Somersaulting forward elegantly onto his toes, he extended his last working webshooter on his right hand and shot a quick webshot at Jigen's gun, which was steadily gripped with two hands.
The webshot managed to gum up Jigen's gun – and web his two hands together.
"WHA-AT?!" Jigen exclaimed.
"Shit!" Lupin hopped into the helm of the speedboat and shifted into forward gear.
"Oh come on!!!" Jigen grunted.
"We gotta roll!" Lupin said.
"Come on!!" Jigen grunted again. "Goemon gets an elaborate toe-to-toe fight scene, and all I get is this??"
"Dammit, piss and moan later!" Lupin exclaimed, roaring the speedboat to life as it abruptly kicked forward.
"Hey waitaminute," Spider-Man said, dashing forward at the rapidly escaping speedboat, "You guys are leaving my party? I haven't even served tea yet!" Spider-Man shot a webline at the back of the boat, hitting about half a foot away from the motor. "Nobody's got any manners nowadays. A little – YAAAAAA!!!!"
The limp webline abruptly went taut, jerking Spider-Man off his feet; the speedboat was now towing a fifteen-year old superhero hanging on desperately to a line of home-made web.
---------------------
NOW
"We could sure use one of your bright ideas right now," Jigen said, feebly trying to pull his hands out of the webbed mess which bound them together.
"Think it's your turn for bright ideas," Lupin said, briefly looking behind him, disappointed once again that a spider-powered superhero was still tagging along.
"I did," Jigen said. "I shot at him. He managed to dodge me. Now my hands are covered in freakish webbing." Jigen tried to pull the trigger on his pistol, but to no avail – the barrel and the trigger was gummed up. "It's DEFINITELY your turn."
"Okay okay, shut up for a minute, I'm thinking." Lupin swerved the boat to the right. Spider-Man arced wide left, almost hitting a heavy light-buoy. Unfortunately, amazing agility and makeshift gymnastics later and the hero was still hanging onto the webline, even as he faceplanted onto the cold New York harbor water.
"Uh, he's still there," Jigen said, as Spider-Man's yelps and screams could be heard into the immediate distance.
"Ya think?" Lupin spat.
As the speedboat entered a moderately narrow opening between two cargo ships, Lupin suddenly turned to Jigen and motioned him to take the helm.
"Drive!" Lupin shouted, making his way out of the driver's seat while Jigen switched places with him.
"Huh? Wha?" Jigen wrapped his bound arms around the wheel, clumsily trying to steer the boat with his forearms. Lupin, meanwhile, kicked the throttle forward while making his way to the back seat of the speedboat.
"As soon as we clear these ships, "Lupin exclaimed, "Make hard left."
"This had better be good," Jigen replied, as Lupin popped open the utility trunk underneath the back seats and pulled out a small hatchet. Crawling his way to the back of the boat, Lupin clutched one of the tie posts on the edge of the boat, looked straight at the webcrawler's white eyes, and waved.
"Hey hey now!" Spider-Man shouted. "Play nice – "
As soon as the boat cleared the front edges of the two parallel ships, Jigen swerved the wheel to the left with his forearms. And just as instantly as Jigen swerved to the left, Lupin gripped the tie post for dear life as he swung the hatchet at the webline on the back of the boat, cutting it – and Spider-Man – free. Spider-Man was rapidly flying at the hull of the right-hand ship before Jigen turned the speedboat out of sight.
---------------------
"AAAAIIIIIIEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!"
Oh god oh god oh god oh god . . . not only did I manage to scream like a girl, I'm also about to end up as Spider-Man paste on the side of this ship. Think, think, think! You're about to die in seconds! Aaaaggghhh . . .
Wait, that mast on that other ship. If I could hit that with a webline . . .
THWAP
There! I can use my momentum to swing away from this boat and just maybe throw myself back on . . .. OOMPH!
Fantastic. Just great. I think my legs need some massaging when I'm done. And I say this while I'm running up on the side of a boat. Congratulations, you've officially filled your stunt quota for an action story. And I did them all by myself.
Hmm, maybe I should check out a career as a stuntman.
Wait, at the speed I'm running, and the momentum I'm feeling from the webline, and the fact that I'm pretty much at the end of my (web) rope here, I still could . . . yeah, I could! I could slingshot myself back onto Leisure Suit Lupin's boat and . . .
. . . .gotta time this just right . . . .
------------------------
TEN SECONDS LATER
"Whew," Lupin gasped.
"Wow, an idea that actually worked. This one's going for the books," Jigen said. "We lost him?"
"Man, I hope so," Lupin replied, "otherwise I'd have to -"Stopping in mid- sentence, Lupin suddenly said, "Wait, you hear something? Like, some girl screaming?"
Jigen piqued his ears. "Yeah, actually, what's –"
Lupin then looked up and noticed a small dot in the sky rapidly getting larger. "Looks like a bird, or . . .. "
Jigen turned around and noticed the dot as well. "Or a plane . . . or . . . or . . . "
Lupin's eyes suddenly widened, realizing just exactly what was coming at them. "GOD DAMN IT! GOD DAMN IT! SPEED UP! IT'S –"
THWAP. The dot, now grown into a rapidly approaching red and blue super- hero (sans cape) shot a webline at Lupin's hatchet, gumming up his left hand.
"Spider-Man," Jigen groaned.
THWAP. Another webline tagged the end of the speedboat, and Spider-Man was essentially back to where he was at the beginning of this chapter.
"Great, back to where we started," Jigen muttered.
So how will this adventure conclude? Stay tuned for the final chapter . . . coming (relatively) soon.