Disclaimer: I do not own Stargate or the Teletubbies. DUR! Also, there is
some reference to Galaxy Quest, which I don't own either.
DUR!.........again.........shifty eyes
Daniel rubbed his eyes and opened them, squinting against the bright sun. He looked around. He was in a huge green field. He stood up. Suddenly, he heard a slow, incredibly familiar music start to play. "No.........it can't be........." he said to himself. He looked at the ground and saw flowers rise ever so slowly and open. He watched rabbits and other little creatures start to frolic in the field. He looked up in the sky and gasped at the baby face. He dashed over to a nearby hill and nearly passed out.
A huge dome was beginning to open up. Four bright colors bounded out of it. Daniel squealed. His eyes darted to his right. He squealed again and galloped over. He threw his arms around the huge red flower. He squeezed his eyes shut in pure happiness.
Daniel felt some movement beneath his arms and suddenly, a muffled voice yelled, "Gerroff me!" He opened his eyes.
"Who said that?"
"Me!"
"Me who?"
"Me the flower!"
"Oooh! I love knock-knock jokes! Ok, me the flower who?"
"The big red flower underneath your arms, you buffoon!"
Daniel frowned. "I don't get it. What's the joke?"
"If you put your arms by your side, I'll tell you."
"Huh?"
"Let go! Losing.........Co-2.........can't.........breathe........."
Daniel let go of the flower, still wondering who was talking. The flower took long, deep breaths, then waved and smiled. Daniel stared at it. "Wow! A talking flower!"
"And here's the joke! Ready?" Daniel nodded eagerly. "Ok." The flower took a deep breath, then shouted,
"HELP! SOMEONE'S TRYING TO MOLEST ME! HEEEELP!"
The flower smiled at the horror-stricken Daniel. "Oh my god, that's horrible! Who?" The flower stared.
Four bright colors zoomed into sight. They stopped right in front of Daniel.
"Alright, where's the molester?" Dipsy asked.
"Are you blind? Right in front of you!" the flower shouted.
"Oh........."
"Why are you molesting our flower?" Po asked innocently. Daniel didn't move. "Hey mister!" Po tugged on Daniel's sleeve. Nothing. "Hey!" She pulled harder. "YO DORK, WAKE UP!" But he still didn't move. His vision had been captured by something else. Something so beautiful and manly that Daniel was in shock.
"Does this color make me look slutty?" Tinkey Winkey asked, applying a dark red to his lips. La La shook her head.
"Omigod, omigod, omigod! It's really him!" Daniel said excitedly, hopping on his toes and squealing. "Huuuhh........." He swooned and fainted. The four creatures stared down at him.
"What is it?" Dipsy asked.
"How the hell should I know?" Po replied, kicking Daniel. "Is it dead?"
"Well, whatever it is, it better get out of here soon. I don't want it on my land," La La said haughtily, flipping fake hair. Po and Dipsy rolled their eyes. Tinkey Winkey applied some more lipstick.
Daniel sat up slowly, opened his eyes, and rubbed them. "I must be dreaming!" He smiled at everything.
"Alright buddy, who the hell are you?" Po asked, jabbing a finger in Daniel's chest.
"I'm Daniel!" he replied. He didn't say his last name for a reason; Teal'c was really starting to annoy him with his "Danieljackson".
"Why are you here?"
"I don't know," Daniel said thoughtfully. I was in my room watching your show—"
"You watch the show?" La La asked excitedly.
"Oh yeah! It's the best!" La La blushed.
"Well, you know........." she said, brushing the ground with her foot.
"And all of a sudden this green light surrounded me and I woke up here."
"And that's it?" Po asked, eyeing him suspiciously.
"Yep," Daniel nodded. Po still eyed him.
"Well it doesn't matter, because you can't stay here," La La said, crossing her arms.
"What? Why not?"
"Because we can't have a strange creature running around!" La La said defensively.
"But I have no where else to go!"
"It doesn't matter! This is my land, and whatever I say goes!" she said, stomping her foot.
"Wait, this is your land?" Daniel asked, rubbing his head.
"Yes. It is called La La Land!" She pretended to dust of her sleeves. "On the show, it may LOOK like Tinkey Winkey is in charge, but here, I am!" Daniel looked confused.
"Alright, come on, Dorkwad, we'll explain it over a cup of Love," Po said flatly, taking hold of Daniel's arm and dragging him towards the dome. Daniel's mind was buzzing. 'They know Ghandi?'
They arrived at the dome and entered, sitting down at a table. "Slaves, bring me five Loves," La La ordered, clapping her hands. Two vacuum-like things entered with five mugs of Love and served them, bowing as they left.
"Oh, Love! You guys drink this on the show! I've always wanted to try it! It must taste like love!" Daniel sighed, taking a drink. He paused for a moment and then spit it out, wiping his tongue on his sleeve. "Ew! What is this?!"
"Love. Aka Vodka with some Scotch and extra dry gin," Po said, taking a deep gulp. "People watching the show have no idea."
"I'm confused........." Daniel said.
"Gee, it doesn't look new to you," Po said casually.
"Oh it isn't," Daniel said, smiling. Po stared.
"See, La La Land is where we live. But the show is filmed here. On the show, we're all different, as you can tell," Dipsy explained.
"On TV I'm a cute, fun-loving angel. But in real life, I'm a punk-ass bitch," Po said, grinning.
"In real life I'm a nice guy, but on TV I'm the asshole-loser," Dipsy said, taking a sip of his Love.
"In real life, I'm the beautiful, smart, wonderful queen of this domain. But on the show I'm a petty commoner," La La said, drinking from her mug.
"On the show I'm a girlie-man who's gay beyond comprehension! But that's all different in real life," Tinkey Winkey said, sipping from his mug with a lifted pinkie. Everyone rolled their eyes, except Daniel, whose eyes were staring at him with admiration.
"So.........what now?" Dipsy asked. They looked at Daniel. He was still staring at Tinkey Winkey. All of a sudden, the ground shook and everyone was thrown around.
"What's going on?!" Daniel cried.
"Shit. They're back," Po said through gritted teeth. She pulled herself off the still quivering floor and ran through another door. Dipsy and La La followed. Daniel was left gazing at Tinkey Winkey, who was applying some more lipstick, though he had a difficult time with the dome shaking.
"Aw, poo!" he said after a few minutes. He turned around. Lipstick was all over his face. "Stupid shaking dome!" He stalked off through the door in a hurry. Daniel quickly followed.
"Wow......... I've never seen this room before!" Daniel said in awe. He had walked into a master control room. The four –tubbies were seated in various spots, all pressing buttons and turning knobs; except Tinkey Winkey, who, like any girl, had mastered the art of multi-tasking; he had one hand on the controls and another on the lipstick.
"Fire one!" La La yelled. "Firing one!" Po replied, hitting a few buttons. Daniel heard a missile launch and the crash of it on the target.
"Target hit," Po said. "Fire two," La La commanded. "Firing two." Once again the target was destroyed. "How are the shields holding?" "Shields at 67%," Dipsy said, turning a few knobs.
"What's going on?" Daniel asked. "Who are you firing at?" Daniel was horrified. The Teletubbies were a land of peace and happiness. What could be hurting them?
He caught sight of a small window to the left of Dipsy. He trotted over and peered outside. He scanned the field and gasped.
Small purple dinosaurs and many young children were rushing across the field straight at the dome, which was surrounded by a light green energy shield. The dinosaurs were throwing what looked like toys at the dome, and those who didn't have any just rammed the dome themselves. The small children were also throwing toys, though by the looks of it, also handfuls of fire.
"WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?!" Daniel cried, mortified at the whole experience. "THOSE ARE SMALL CHILDREN!"
"No they're not," Po said, annoyed that she was distracted from her favorite pastime -- firing at enemies.
"Look," Dipsy said as he pulled up an image on a small screen to his left. It was a close-up of one of the children. While it looked sweet and innocent from far away, Daniel could see why the tubbies were firing at it. It had red eyes and small horns sticking out from its hair. The skin was slightly purplish, and it had a sick grin on its face as it launched another handful of fire at the dome. "Ew........." Daniel said as he shrunk back.
"Yeah," La La said. "Fire three." "Firing three."
Daniel leaned closer to Dipsy, who seemed to be the brainiac-like part of the operation. "What's going on? Who are they?"
"Barney's minions," he said, pressing a few buttons. "We're waging a constant war against each other. He's evil, sadistic, brutal, and just plain corny. Shields down to 38%."
"We can't hold them much longer!" Po said.
"Dammit!" La La said, looking at the floor. Her eyes were twitching and her mouth seemed to move without sound. She looked just like a captain from a Star trek series at their moment of truth: what to do? Daniel was freaked out. It was a tubbie, for cryin' out loud!
'Whoa.........' Daniel stepped back, shocked. 'Did I just think "for cryin' out loud"?' He shook his head roughly, trying to wake himself up. 'No.........its not possible Jack could rub off on me.........' His mind flashed to the time when the Russian Stargate was open and they needed their help.
"What is it?" Sam asked.
"The sub seems to be malfunctioning," Dr. Markov said, in a thick Russian accent.
"But it's Swiss," Daniel said in fake innocence. Sam and Dr. Markov stared.
'Naaah.........' Daniel thought. 'Jack has definitely not rubbed off on me.' He smiled. 'I wonder what he's up to now.........'
"GOD DAMMIT, LA LA, YOU'RE NOT THE CAPTAIN OF THE ENTERPRISE! DO SOMETHING!"
Jack bustled up the hallway and into his office. Was it real? Was it true? Was Daniel ACTUALLY watching the Teletubbies? He tried to stifle a laugh but failed miserably. He cracked up and laughed extremely loudly, whooping at various points. Several personnel walking past quickened their pace.
He collapsed in his chair. What could he do with this newfound information? Something good.........he couldn't waste it like that picture from the holiday party last year.........
He propped his feet on his desk, leaning back in thought. 'So Daniel likes the teletubbies.........' He grinned. 'Oh jeez.........what would someone say if they found out?'
That's just it! He sat up, grinning wider than ever. 'If everyone found out.........the effect would be greater than the holiday party incident!' He leaned back again. But how? How could he show the whole base that Daniel loved a kids' tv show?
He sat up again, smiled, and quickly strode out of his office, his mouth forming the words "twine, rope, velvet, twine, rope, velvet, twine........."
It was fifteen minutes later, and La La was still deciding what to do. Po was rolling her eyes and every so often she'd boredly push a button and fire at the minions. Not that it did any good.
"Shields down to 3.4%," Dipsy said, tossing a ball in the air. Tinkey Winkey was buffing his non-existent nails.
"Activate.........the Omega 14," La La said dramatically. Daniel stared. La La looked at him.
"What? They ripped US off!" she said defensively. Daniel shook his head. Dipsy pressed a few more buttons and a huge BOOM! shook the dome once more. Daniel quickly moved to the window.
The children had started to retreat along with the purple dinosaurs. They ran in sheer terror, though one dinosaur stayed long enough to flip them off before he scurried after his friends. Daniel turned from the window, still amazed at the whole ordeal.
"Wow........."
"We need more fuel for the weapons and more energy for the shields, La La," Dipsy said, checking the power.
"All right. We'll head over tomorrow," La La said, stepping down from her official-looking chair. "Let's hit the hay." They started to file out the door. Daniel followed.
"Uh, where should I sleep, guys?" he asked, smiling at them, hoping to guilt one of them to let his room with them.
"You can sleep down under," La La said. Daniel, once again, looked confused. La La rolled her eyes, then opened a door, motioning for Daniel to follow. They descended a dirty old staircase, then opened another door. Daniel peered inside.
The room matched the door and staircase; soot covered all of the walls and much of the floor. Some straw was thrown around and off to the right wall was a gigantic fireplace.
"You can sleep down here," La La said, smiling at him like it was the presidential suite. Daniel stared at her. "And don't worry about the cold. The other slaves will keep you warm." With that said, she closed the door behind him and left.
Daniel looked around the room uncomfortably. Picking what looked to be the softest spot, he laid down and closed his eyes. His last image before a deep slumber was Barney on fire.
Liss: Hi! Sorry, its 12 in the morning and I'm too lazy to read over this whole thing, so ignore the mistakes, please! Hope this long waited chapter is liked! And sorry, I thought I had already finished it! Please review
Daniel rubbed his eyes and opened them, squinting against the bright sun. He looked around. He was in a huge green field. He stood up. Suddenly, he heard a slow, incredibly familiar music start to play. "No.........it can't be........." he said to himself. He looked at the ground and saw flowers rise ever so slowly and open. He watched rabbits and other little creatures start to frolic in the field. He looked up in the sky and gasped at the baby face. He dashed over to a nearby hill and nearly passed out.
A huge dome was beginning to open up. Four bright colors bounded out of it. Daniel squealed. His eyes darted to his right. He squealed again and galloped over. He threw his arms around the huge red flower. He squeezed his eyes shut in pure happiness.
Daniel felt some movement beneath his arms and suddenly, a muffled voice yelled, "Gerroff me!" He opened his eyes.
"Who said that?"
"Me!"
"Me who?"
"Me the flower!"
"Oooh! I love knock-knock jokes! Ok, me the flower who?"
"The big red flower underneath your arms, you buffoon!"
Daniel frowned. "I don't get it. What's the joke?"
"If you put your arms by your side, I'll tell you."
"Huh?"
"Let go! Losing.........Co-2.........can't.........breathe........."
Daniel let go of the flower, still wondering who was talking. The flower took long, deep breaths, then waved and smiled. Daniel stared at it. "Wow! A talking flower!"
"And here's the joke! Ready?" Daniel nodded eagerly. "Ok." The flower took a deep breath, then shouted,
"HELP! SOMEONE'S TRYING TO MOLEST ME! HEEEELP!"
The flower smiled at the horror-stricken Daniel. "Oh my god, that's horrible! Who?" The flower stared.
Four bright colors zoomed into sight. They stopped right in front of Daniel.
"Alright, where's the molester?" Dipsy asked.
"Are you blind? Right in front of you!" the flower shouted.
"Oh........."
"Why are you molesting our flower?" Po asked innocently. Daniel didn't move. "Hey mister!" Po tugged on Daniel's sleeve. Nothing. "Hey!" She pulled harder. "YO DORK, WAKE UP!" But he still didn't move. His vision had been captured by something else. Something so beautiful and manly that Daniel was in shock.
"Does this color make me look slutty?" Tinkey Winkey asked, applying a dark red to his lips. La La shook her head.
"Omigod, omigod, omigod! It's really him!" Daniel said excitedly, hopping on his toes and squealing. "Huuuhh........." He swooned and fainted. The four creatures stared down at him.
"What is it?" Dipsy asked.
"How the hell should I know?" Po replied, kicking Daniel. "Is it dead?"
"Well, whatever it is, it better get out of here soon. I don't want it on my land," La La said haughtily, flipping fake hair. Po and Dipsy rolled their eyes. Tinkey Winkey applied some more lipstick.
Daniel sat up slowly, opened his eyes, and rubbed them. "I must be dreaming!" He smiled at everything.
"Alright buddy, who the hell are you?" Po asked, jabbing a finger in Daniel's chest.
"I'm Daniel!" he replied. He didn't say his last name for a reason; Teal'c was really starting to annoy him with his "Danieljackson".
"Why are you here?"
"I don't know," Daniel said thoughtfully. I was in my room watching your show—"
"You watch the show?" La La asked excitedly.
"Oh yeah! It's the best!" La La blushed.
"Well, you know........." she said, brushing the ground with her foot.
"And all of a sudden this green light surrounded me and I woke up here."
"And that's it?" Po asked, eyeing him suspiciously.
"Yep," Daniel nodded. Po still eyed him.
"Well it doesn't matter, because you can't stay here," La La said, crossing her arms.
"What? Why not?"
"Because we can't have a strange creature running around!" La La said defensively.
"But I have no where else to go!"
"It doesn't matter! This is my land, and whatever I say goes!" she said, stomping her foot.
"Wait, this is your land?" Daniel asked, rubbing his head.
"Yes. It is called La La Land!" She pretended to dust of her sleeves. "On the show, it may LOOK like Tinkey Winkey is in charge, but here, I am!" Daniel looked confused.
"Alright, come on, Dorkwad, we'll explain it over a cup of Love," Po said flatly, taking hold of Daniel's arm and dragging him towards the dome. Daniel's mind was buzzing. 'They know Ghandi?'
They arrived at the dome and entered, sitting down at a table. "Slaves, bring me five Loves," La La ordered, clapping her hands. Two vacuum-like things entered with five mugs of Love and served them, bowing as they left.
"Oh, Love! You guys drink this on the show! I've always wanted to try it! It must taste like love!" Daniel sighed, taking a drink. He paused for a moment and then spit it out, wiping his tongue on his sleeve. "Ew! What is this?!"
"Love. Aka Vodka with some Scotch and extra dry gin," Po said, taking a deep gulp. "People watching the show have no idea."
"I'm confused........." Daniel said.
"Gee, it doesn't look new to you," Po said casually.
"Oh it isn't," Daniel said, smiling. Po stared.
"See, La La Land is where we live. But the show is filmed here. On the show, we're all different, as you can tell," Dipsy explained.
"On TV I'm a cute, fun-loving angel. But in real life, I'm a punk-ass bitch," Po said, grinning.
"In real life I'm a nice guy, but on TV I'm the asshole-loser," Dipsy said, taking a sip of his Love.
"In real life, I'm the beautiful, smart, wonderful queen of this domain. But on the show I'm a petty commoner," La La said, drinking from her mug.
"On the show I'm a girlie-man who's gay beyond comprehension! But that's all different in real life," Tinkey Winkey said, sipping from his mug with a lifted pinkie. Everyone rolled their eyes, except Daniel, whose eyes were staring at him with admiration.
"So.........what now?" Dipsy asked. They looked at Daniel. He was still staring at Tinkey Winkey. All of a sudden, the ground shook and everyone was thrown around.
"What's going on?!" Daniel cried.
"Shit. They're back," Po said through gritted teeth. She pulled herself off the still quivering floor and ran through another door. Dipsy and La La followed. Daniel was left gazing at Tinkey Winkey, who was applying some more lipstick, though he had a difficult time with the dome shaking.
"Aw, poo!" he said after a few minutes. He turned around. Lipstick was all over his face. "Stupid shaking dome!" He stalked off through the door in a hurry. Daniel quickly followed.
"Wow......... I've never seen this room before!" Daniel said in awe. He had walked into a master control room. The four –tubbies were seated in various spots, all pressing buttons and turning knobs; except Tinkey Winkey, who, like any girl, had mastered the art of multi-tasking; he had one hand on the controls and another on the lipstick.
"Fire one!" La La yelled. "Firing one!" Po replied, hitting a few buttons. Daniel heard a missile launch and the crash of it on the target.
"Target hit," Po said. "Fire two," La La commanded. "Firing two." Once again the target was destroyed. "How are the shields holding?" "Shields at 67%," Dipsy said, turning a few knobs.
"What's going on?" Daniel asked. "Who are you firing at?" Daniel was horrified. The Teletubbies were a land of peace and happiness. What could be hurting them?
He caught sight of a small window to the left of Dipsy. He trotted over and peered outside. He scanned the field and gasped.
Small purple dinosaurs and many young children were rushing across the field straight at the dome, which was surrounded by a light green energy shield. The dinosaurs were throwing what looked like toys at the dome, and those who didn't have any just rammed the dome themselves. The small children were also throwing toys, though by the looks of it, also handfuls of fire.
"WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?!" Daniel cried, mortified at the whole experience. "THOSE ARE SMALL CHILDREN!"
"No they're not," Po said, annoyed that she was distracted from her favorite pastime -- firing at enemies.
"Look," Dipsy said as he pulled up an image on a small screen to his left. It was a close-up of one of the children. While it looked sweet and innocent from far away, Daniel could see why the tubbies were firing at it. It had red eyes and small horns sticking out from its hair. The skin was slightly purplish, and it had a sick grin on its face as it launched another handful of fire at the dome. "Ew........." Daniel said as he shrunk back.
"Yeah," La La said. "Fire three." "Firing three."
Daniel leaned closer to Dipsy, who seemed to be the brainiac-like part of the operation. "What's going on? Who are they?"
"Barney's minions," he said, pressing a few buttons. "We're waging a constant war against each other. He's evil, sadistic, brutal, and just plain corny. Shields down to 38%."
"We can't hold them much longer!" Po said.
"Dammit!" La La said, looking at the floor. Her eyes were twitching and her mouth seemed to move without sound. She looked just like a captain from a Star trek series at their moment of truth: what to do? Daniel was freaked out. It was a tubbie, for cryin' out loud!
'Whoa.........' Daniel stepped back, shocked. 'Did I just think "for cryin' out loud"?' He shook his head roughly, trying to wake himself up. 'No.........its not possible Jack could rub off on me.........' His mind flashed to the time when the Russian Stargate was open and they needed their help.
"What is it?" Sam asked.
"The sub seems to be malfunctioning," Dr. Markov said, in a thick Russian accent.
"But it's Swiss," Daniel said in fake innocence. Sam and Dr. Markov stared.
'Naaah.........' Daniel thought. 'Jack has definitely not rubbed off on me.' He smiled. 'I wonder what he's up to now.........'
"GOD DAMMIT, LA LA, YOU'RE NOT THE CAPTAIN OF THE ENTERPRISE! DO SOMETHING!"
Jack bustled up the hallway and into his office. Was it real? Was it true? Was Daniel ACTUALLY watching the Teletubbies? He tried to stifle a laugh but failed miserably. He cracked up and laughed extremely loudly, whooping at various points. Several personnel walking past quickened their pace.
He collapsed in his chair. What could he do with this newfound information? Something good.........he couldn't waste it like that picture from the holiday party last year.........
He propped his feet on his desk, leaning back in thought. 'So Daniel likes the teletubbies.........' He grinned. 'Oh jeez.........what would someone say if they found out?'
That's just it! He sat up, grinning wider than ever. 'If everyone found out.........the effect would be greater than the holiday party incident!' He leaned back again. But how? How could he show the whole base that Daniel loved a kids' tv show?
He sat up again, smiled, and quickly strode out of his office, his mouth forming the words "twine, rope, velvet, twine, rope, velvet, twine........."
It was fifteen minutes later, and La La was still deciding what to do. Po was rolling her eyes and every so often she'd boredly push a button and fire at the minions. Not that it did any good.
"Shields down to 3.4%," Dipsy said, tossing a ball in the air. Tinkey Winkey was buffing his non-existent nails.
"Activate.........the Omega 14," La La said dramatically. Daniel stared. La La looked at him.
"What? They ripped US off!" she said defensively. Daniel shook his head. Dipsy pressed a few more buttons and a huge BOOM! shook the dome once more. Daniel quickly moved to the window.
The children had started to retreat along with the purple dinosaurs. They ran in sheer terror, though one dinosaur stayed long enough to flip them off before he scurried after his friends. Daniel turned from the window, still amazed at the whole ordeal.
"Wow........."
"We need more fuel for the weapons and more energy for the shields, La La," Dipsy said, checking the power.
"All right. We'll head over tomorrow," La La said, stepping down from her official-looking chair. "Let's hit the hay." They started to file out the door. Daniel followed.
"Uh, where should I sleep, guys?" he asked, smiling at them, hoping to guilt one of them to let his room with them.
"You can sleep down under," La La said. Daniel, once again, looked confused. La La rolled her eyes, then opened a door, motioning for Daniel to follow. They descended a dirty old staircase, then opened another door. Daniel peered inside.
The room matched the door and staircase; soot covered all of the walls and much of the floor. Some straw was thrown around and off to the right wall was a gigantic fireplace.
"You can sleep down here," La La said, smiling at him like it was the presidential suite. Daniel stared at her. "And don't worry about the cold. The other slaves will keep you warm." With that said, she closed the door behind him and left.
Daniel looked around the room uncomfortably. Picking what looked to be the softest spot, he laid down and closed his eyes. His last image before a deep slumber was Barney on fire.
Liss: Hi! Sorry, its 12 in the morning and I'm too lazy to read over this whole thing, so ignore the mistakes, please! Hope this long waited chapter is liked! And sorry, I thought I had already finished it! Please review