Buffy pushed the front door open with a sigh of relief. It had been a most
exhausting day. She'd spent most the morning trying to catch up on
paperwork she'd been too tired to complete while hunting for Spike - and
then spent the afternoon trying to make it right with the students she'd
dozed off on while she was listening to them. Her explanations about having
insomnia and looking after a sick friend had gone a long way to healing
hurt feelings with most the kids, but she knew there was still some begging
and scraping she would have to do with several of them.
It was nice to be home - somewhere that people understood there really were things that went bump in the night. That it was her job to kill them. And that demon goo had to be rinsed out of a silk shirt before it set.
Dawn breezed past her and headed upstairs.
"Do you have homework?"
Snort. Hair flip. Eyeroll. Avoidy Behaviour 101: Don't answer, don't lie. Buffy remembered this course. It was one of the few she had aced in High School.
"Uh-huh. You are so not calling Janice. Homework before phone."
"Buffy!"
The Slayer cocked an eyebrow at her little sister. "You do your homework, we're both happy, and then you can call Janice and talk to her all night."
"Fine," Dawn grumbled as she continued up the stairs. "There better not be an apocalypse before I'm finished or I'll be pissed."
"Dawn! Language!"
Dawn glanced over her shoulder, about to make a snarky comment when Xander appeared unexpectedly at the top of the stairs. His haggard appearance put a sudden end to their sisterly bickering.
"Buffy."
Fear tore through her belly. "Spike?" she whispered, frozen to the spot. But only for a moment. Before he could answer, she was up the stairs, past Dawn, past Xander and in the bedroom. She was already halfway across the room when Willow shook her head and laid a finger across her lips.
Spike lay there on the bed. Buffy watched him tossing and turning, gripped by nightmares or memories, perhaps both. Her heart skipped a beat when she realized that he was okay. About a second after that, her knees turned to jelly. She stepped back and leaned against the door jam for support. And breathing. Yes, breathing was good.
Dawn stepped into the room, took one look at Spike, and crossed the room to sit on her knees beside the bed. She reached up and tentatively took one of his hands in her own. The moment she touched him, he calmed, turning toward her in his sleep as if seeking comfort. Willow rose from the chair she'd been sitting in and crossed over to join Buffy by the door.
Buffy looked back at Xander, then at Willow. "What happened?" she demanded quietly.
Xander ran a hand through his hair. "Things almost got ugly, Buff," he replied. "While we were talking to Whistler-"
She cut him off, face tight with anger. "Whistler's back? Where is he?"
"I think he left, Buffy," Willow spoke softly. "The First paid Spike a visit while we were downstairs talking to him." She looked guiltily at the floor. "I think it was my fault. He told us that he couldn't tell us anymore, but I just kept on pushing him for more information and the second he told us something, the First got to Spike and made him attack Chloe."
Buffy blanched at that. "Is she okay?"
Xander nodded. "She's fine. A little shaken up, but fine." He grinned wryly. "Just like me." At her questioning look, he shrugged and looked away. "Giles and I tried to stop him. Didn't work out so well." He turned back to her. "Buffy, he had me cold. He was this close to ripping my throat out, but he stopped himself." Xander shook his head, amazement evident. "I thought I was dead, and he just - stopped. Then Whistler comes in and snaps his fingers, and there you are, lying on the bed, whispering murderous suggestions in his ear. Except it's not you, it's the First. Geeze, Buff! It's a wonder the guy can put two coherent thoughts together considering the way that thing has been playing mind games with him! And have I mentioned the part where he could have killed me and didn't? When all this is over, I'm going to have to apologize to him." He chuckled. "You know there's an apocalypse coming when I admit I need to apologize to Spike."
Buffy processed that for a moment before speaking. "Okay. I'm going on record here to say that when this is all over, and I finally kick the First's way evil ass out of my town, I'm going to go sit in a corner and wig for about a week. Advanced warning, just so you know."
Willow nodded vigorously. "I'll bring the Ben and Jerry's and keep you company."
Xander raised a hand. "Make a reservation in that corner for a party of three."
Buffy took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. She glanced over at Dawn. Her sister had pulled the chair over to the bed to sit beside Spike, and still held his hand. Buffy motioned the two of them out into the hall, then began to ask questions. "Okay. Willow. Explain to me the bit about this information, and what it had to do with the First making Spike go all bitey."
Her two friends quickly brought her up to speed on the conversation that had taken place earlier that day in the kitchen. She tried to puzzle through it.
"I don't get it," she mused, crossing her arms and leaning back against the wall. "The Eye of Borax said that I messed things up. Whistler said that I need to reconsider what the guide told me. The guide said that Death was my gift. Okay. I died. Glory is gone, the portal is closed, end of story. How is any of this relevant to what's happening?"
"Did she say anything else?" Xander probed.
"Loving, giving, death being my gift." Buffy shrugged. "It was all about giving up my life. I didn't understand when she told me, but it made perfect sense when I was standing on that tower faced with the choice of Dawn's death or mine."
"Buffy. Try to remember everything she said to you," Willow encouraged. "Word for word, no matter how inconsequential or trivial it seems. Maybe there was something else that you missed, or misinterpreted."
"Willow, there was no other interpretation!" Buffy insisted. "What else could it have been? Death was my gift. If I hadn't died, it would have been of the bad, with the whole dimensions mushing into each other and everything. Giles said so. He's usually right about that sort of stuff."
Xander opened his mouth as if to speak, then hesitated and said nothing.
"What?" she demanded.
"It's just... I'm not saying that you're wrong, Buffy. And I'm not saying that I would have wanted it to happen the other way, because I love her, just like I love you. I would have been devastated if anything had happened to her, you know that. But..."
Buffy's eyes widened as she realized what he was implying. "Are you trying to say that Dawn should have...? Are you crazy?" She looked like she was about to blow her stack. Willow touched her arm, trying to calm her down.
"No, Buffy, that's not what he's trying to say. He's trying to tell you that we need to know everything that the Spirit Guide said to you so we can see if there was something more that she was telling you, something that maybe you missed."
Xander spoke again. "I love Dawn, Buffy. You can't even question that. All I'm saying is that there was another person who could have closed that portal. I'm not saying that she should have, just that she could have." His eyes begged her to understand. "Please don't hate me for saying it."
She couldn't look at him. "I don't Xander. But I don't like you a lot for saying it, either."
"Buffy, please." Willow implored her. "Try to remember."
She heaved a sigh. "Okay. Let me think."
Buffy closed her eyes and took a centering breath, drawing on the skills that Giles had spent years drumming into her to calm the disquiet raging through her. She slid down the wall and sat cross-legged, then turned her focus inward to the memories of her quest. She could see, in her mind's eye, the rocky landscape, the fire dancing between her and her guide. Slowly, she began to speak.
"The guide told me that I was full of love, that I love with all my soul. That it was brighter than fire... blinding. And that was why I pull away from it."
"She said I would lose it only if I rejected it. She told me that love is pain, and the Slayer forges strength from pain." Buffy paused for a moment, then her voice shifted, and she was echoing the voice of the guide rather than just explaining what it had said. "Love ... give ... forgive. Risk the pain. It is your nature. Love will bring you to your gift."
Willow knelt in front of her. "She said that love would bring you to your gift?"
"Yes."
"What is your gift, Buffy?"
Buffy's eyes fluttered open and she spoke in a whisper. "Death is my gift." She looked up at Willow, stricken. "Death. My gift is death. It's all I have to offer, Willow. Maybe... maybe this really is all my fault. If I had just stayed dead-"
"No!" Xander exclaimed. "I can't accept that. I won't. If your coming back was going to set everything so out of balance that it would trigger the next apocalypse, the Powers never should have let us do it. If they did, then there has to be a loophole somewhere. I've read enough contracts to know that there are always stipulations and clauses and quid pro quos and dammit! There is another way, Buffy Summers, because you are NOT going to die over this!" Xander's face was flushed, his hands clenched tightly by the time he finished. He tried to put on a grin, but it came out lopsided. "I'm just sayin'."
Willow sniffled. "Yeah. What he said."
Buffy clambered back to her feet, drew a shaky breath, then gave her friends a nod. "Okay. I'm with you on that. Last year was tough, but I made it - we all made I t- and I want to be here. So. Help me out here, guys, 'cuz I'm not big with the interpreting. What does this all mean?"
"Maybe Xander was right, Buffy. Maybe it wasn't supposed to be you in the first place."
The three of them spun around to find Dawn standing there, tears running down her face. "You were trying to love me, even though I'm not real. In the hospital, when you told me that it was Summers blood, that I was part of you, I started to believe it. And on that tower, when I saw you were willing to sacrifice everything for me, I knew it. I knew that you really loved me. And I was willing to die then. But you jumped. Buffy, you loved me, and maybe the gift your love was supposed to lead you to was my death, not yours. Maybe..." Dawn choked back a sob. "Maybe this is all my fault. It should have been me."
"Oh, Dawnster!" Xander was full of remorse. He stepped forward and put his hands on her shoulders "No way! I was trying to tell Buffy that sometimes we hear something and take it to mean one thing and then we find out it didn't mean what we thought after all!" He slipped a hand under her chin and made her look into his eyes. "I feel the same way about you as I do about Buffy. I have declared a moratorium on and Summers women dying over this thing. You got that, kiddo?"
She nodded, and then he pulled her into his embrace. She stood there for a moment, then pulled away. "Uhm... I don't want to snot all over your shirt. Gotta.." she waved towards the bathroom, then darted across the hall and into it, locking the door behind her.
"Well." Xander covered his eyes with one hand. "That covers the 'make a total heel of yourself' portion of my day."
"I should talk to her..." Buffy stepped across to bathroom door. "Dawn? Dawn, please let me in."
Xander headed downstairs and left Willow to slip back in the bedroom to keep vigil over Spike.
"And then Dawn came out? She heard what you said?"
"I didn't know she was there, An. I never meant to hurt her."
Anya bit back the reply she wanted to make, but from the way that Xander squirmed, she could tell that he was quite aware of that which was unsaid. Which was just as good.
"It was a valid point, Xander," Giles remarked, "If somewhat carelessly delivered. Buffy does need to think about what else the message she received from the spirit guide might have meant."
Anya jumped up before Giles could turn back to full research mode. She needed to get away from the books. And Xander.
"I'm going to help Willow. If Spike goes all fangy and out of control, at least I'll be safe since Buffy's home now." Both men spluttered as she left the room. She smiled to herself as she climbed the stairs. You can take the girl out of the vengeance biz...
As she approached the bedroom, Anya heard muted voices coming from the bathroom. Buffy was obviously picking up the pieces of the Xanderific wordfest. She sighed as she walked into the bedroom. She knew he really didn't mean to hurt Dawn, but she still ached from what he'd done less than a year before, and it would be some time before she was able to let it go. She shook herself out of her preoccupation with Xander as Willow looked up at her in surprise. Nothing better than focusing on a possible end of the world scenario to pull one out of the doldrums.
"I am here to help," she informed Willow with a nod of her head. "What would you like me to do?"
"Uhm..." Willow tried, and failed to come up with a job for her. "Nothing much to do but sit with him, Anya. Why don't you just sit here and keep me company?"
"I can do that." Anya pulled up the stool from in front of the vanity and settled in beside Willow. She leaned towards the other girl, and spoke sotto voice. "I like this job. Much easier than research."
They were both silent for few minutes, before Anya began to fidget. She looked up at Willow. "I want to talk."
The other woman eyed her warily. "About what?"
"Well, you and Xander did talk to Buffy. He told me what she said. What the spirit guide told Buffy. What do you think it means?"
Willow sighed. "I... I really don't know, Anya. It could be exactly what Buffy thought."
"But if so, why would the Whistler demon say that she needed to reexamine it?"
"You're right. But I really don't know what it could be. Not a clue."
Anya was silent for a moment, thinking. She had a half formed theory of her own, something she'd been toying with ever since Whistler had shown up that morning. After she'd learned what the spirit guide had told Buffy, she was even more convinced that she was on the right track. But she knew that none of them were going to be in the least bit receptive to it.
"What if it's about someone who loved her?"
Willow looked at her, puzzled. "What do you mean?"
"Well, the guide said that love would lead her to her gift. Death was her gift. Okay. Putting aside the Glory/Dawn/Key/portal business - because I think that it had to happen the way it did - and setting aside the whole resurrection thing as well - because having spent many years in the demon realms, I can tell you that if the Powers really had a problem with it, it would NOT have happened - what if it's not about her at all?"
"I... huh?" Willow's face screwed up in confusion. "Anya, what are you talking about?"
Anya leaned in closer, warming up to her pet theory. "Think for a minute, Willow. Who has loved Buffy, maybe poorly, but fully, unconditionally, for a long time now? I'll give you a hint." She smiled. "He's dead."
Willow gaped. "SPIKE?"
"Shhh!!!
Willow slapped her hand over her mouth, and glanced down at the vampire. He was still sleeping soundly. She looked back up at Anya who had a cat-and- the-canary expression on her face. "What are you trying to say here, exactly?"
Anya rolled her eyes and let out a derisive snort. "You know exactly what I am saying. Maybe Spike was her gift. He loved her. Loves her still. He's dead. Maybe she was supposed to love, give, forgive - him! But she didn't. She wouldn't."
"But... but how would that have created this imbalance in the Chosen line?"
Anya sighed. "It's all about Balance, Willow. It always has been, always will be. Something in all of this smells suspiciously like destiny to me. As in, Spike and Buffy. I felt it from time to time before, I just didn't realize what it was. They're like yin and yang. Good touched by darkness, evil tempered by good." Anya stared at her hands, clasped in her lap. "I think Spike was a gift to Buffy - and maybe she was a gift for him too, I don't know. God know, after everything she's been through, she deserved a gift. And after all Spike has done to try and change his ways..." She looked back at Willow. "You remember how he was there for us all summer? There for Dawn? How he saved all of us more than once?" She laughed mirthlessly.
"We all pushed him away after she came back. Never saw the good he was striving for. Then she used him. They used each other. And it broke. And he ran off to get a soul."
"But... but, what does that have to do with this?"
Anya looked back at Spike. "Willow, what do you think that soul did to the balance?" She stood up abruptly. "Of course, I could be totally wrong. It's been nice chatting with you and not having to pretend I'm reading badly catalogued reference material. Which I am planning on itemizing and cross- referencing at my earliest opportunity so that Giles can find whatever obscure text he's looking for without my help."
With that, she strolled out of the room.
Willow sat frozen in her chair, thinking about what Anya had said. It couldn't be anything so fantastical... could it? And if so, then what? What would Buffy have to do to restore the balance?
She suddenly felt stifled, like she couldn't breath. She glanced down at the sleeping vampire once more, then rose to her feet and began pacing the room. No, that wasn't enough. Fresh air, that's what she needed. And no opening of the windows and possibly letting lethal afternoon sun in on Spike. She stuck her head out the bedroom door and looked down the hall to see if there was anyone there. She heard Buffy's voice coming from the bathroom.
"Buffy?"
A blonde head popped out the bathroom door. "Yeah?"
"Uhm... I just need to get some air. He's still sleeping."
She nodded. "We'll be there in a minute, Will." Buffy ducked back in the door.
Willow closed the bedroom door most the way, then slipped down the stairs, through the dining room and kitchen, and out the back door. She sat on the bench and tilted her face back to absorb some sunshine. Two of the potentials were outside as well, sitting on the grass talking as the got some much needed sun after being cooped up all day.
A few minutes later, Xander traipsed outside to come sit beside her.
"Penny for them."
She smiled ruefully "I think you would want a refund."
"C'mon, Will. Share with the Xanman. I've got broad shoulders."
She opened her mouth to speak, but at that moment, Dawn flying through the back door. "Willow! Spike's gone!"
Willow looked up at the almost hysterical girl to see Anya standing behind her. Their eyes met, and they spoke as one.
"Oh, no..."
Part 5
The house was in an uproar. They checked every nook and cranny, looking everywhere, from the cubbyhole under the stairs to the attic crawlspace. Spike had vanished.
"You don't think the First got to him and..." Dawn trailed off, looking out the window. The evening shadows were lengthening, but it was still lethally sunny outdoors.
"No unexplained piles of dust on the front porch or steps," Buffy informed her. "He didn't take a sunlit stroll."
They were gathered in the kitchen. Dawn, Anya and Buffy sat at the island while Xander and Giles leaned against the counter. Willow stood by the door to the dinning area. She took a quick glance out to make sure that none of the potential slayers were within earshot, and then cleared her throat.
"Uh, guys?"
They all waited expectantly. After a few moments of watching Willow fidget while she tried to figure out what to say, Anya spoke up. "She's trying to tell you that Spike might have left because he overheard us talking about him being Buffy's gift."
A cacophony of voices erupted.
"What?"
"That's absurd!"
"It's official. You have lost your mind."
"I knew this was going to happen," the ex-demon muttered under her breath.
Dawn looked at Anya, a hopeful expression on her face. "You mean... maybe this isn't all my fault?"
Buffy reached out and placed a hand on Dawn's arm. "We've been through this already. I told you, there is no way this is your fault." Then she addressed Anya. "Would you mind explaining exactly what the hell you mean by that?"
Anya rolled her eyes at the men's hostile reactions, then turned her attention to Buffy. "Oh, come on! If we're honest about examining all possibilities, you have to at least consider it."
"Consider what?" The slayer demanded. "That Spike is my gift?"
Anya shook her head. "You know he loves you, Buffy. And what if his love was what your spirit guide was talking about?"
Buffy gestured towards her sister. "That was about saving the world - and saving Dawn. She meant that my death was the gift."
"Or maybe your death was your choice," Anya shot back. "Freely given, because you love your sister, and saving the world is part of you job description. But tell me, where does the forgiveness part fit in with that?"
Buffy opened her mouth, then closed it, stymied. She turned to Giles. "Uh... help me out with this one?"
Giles was studying Anya intently. "Let me be certain that I understand you correctly. You are opining that... Spike's 'love'," he pronounced the word with distaste "was the vehicle through which Buffy was to receive her gift. And that gift was... Spike."
Anya beamed. "Exactly!"
Xander looked a little green. "I think I'm going to be sick."
Giles pressed on. "And she was to love him back? Forgive him?"
She nodded. "It fits with what her guide told her."
"I can't buy that, Anya." Buffy shook her head. "Free will, here. No moldy prophesies that I'm aware of saying that I have to love a vampire."
"But do you?" Willow questioned. Buffy turned to face her friend, a wary look on her face.
"He's a vampire, Will. With a soul now, but still undead. Blood sucking. And part of many not happy memories, some of which involve him trying to kill me."
Willow shook her head. "I know. But do you love him?"
Buffy hesitated. "I... "
"Buff?" Xander stared at her. She looked up at him, a guilty expression on her face, then dropped her gaze to the floor.
"I... I don't know," she finally admitted. "I feel for him. I care about what happens to him."
Dawn crossed her arms and cocked an eyebrow at her sister. "That doesn't sound like a no, Buffy." She snorted. "I thought you said 'no' just a little too quickly that day we talked on the bleachers."
"Okay, ignoring the extremely wiggy concept that there could be any feelings warmer than 'ewww-ick-dead-thing' between the souled-wonder and the Buffster, can I just ask - so what?" Xander held out upturned hands. "What difference does any of this make?"
Willow glanced at Anya, then replied. "If what she is proposing is correct, Xander, then when Spike went to get his soul, the balance was altered in favour of the good."
"And again, so what? Why is that Buffy's problem? Like she said, free will. She didn't want to be with him. His choices are his."
Giles looked thoughtful. "This is all supposition and conjecture, but..." He paused, trying to work it through in his mind even as he spoke. "If we run with this theory, her choice to reject him as he was before placed Spike in an untenable position. He was unable to be truly good with no conscience to guide or control him - and unable to be truly evil with both the chip and his extended exposure to us having caused a paradigm shift in the way he perceived humans." His expression grew bleak. "In which case, Buffy forced his hand. And as her gift from the powers, he, in essence, became part of the mystical forces surrounding her. When he was granted his soul - that was when those forces became unstable."
Buffy's eyes filled with anguish. "Oh my god."
Xander laughed nervously. "But this is just one theory. A totally whacked theory. Someone has to have another interpretation." He looked around at Willow, then Giles. "Watcher man! You have another theory? Tell me you have another theory!"
Giles slowly shook his head, never taking his eyes off Buffy who seemed to be wilting into her seat. Anya sat back, a smug expression on her face. Willow came up to her stricken friend and wrapped an arm around her shoulders. It was Dawn who asked the pertinent question.
"Uhm... so, how does Buffy fix it?" she asked, casting a worried glance at her sister. "Does she just go say "Hey, Spike, I love you!" and all is well?"
Giles sighed tiredly. "I'm afraid it's not the simple, Dawn. The damage has been done. The Beljoxa Eye said the forces have become irrevocably altered. I don't believe a proclamation of love would make any difference at this point."
"I'm still voting for alternate theories, here," Xander chimed in.
Anya glared at him. "Xander, everyone else has accepted this," she said in a no nonsense tone. "Stop living in the land of denial and get over it. We have more important things to do than hold your hand and coddle you through a temper tantrum."
"Giles?" Buffy looked up at her Watcher. "How do I fix this?"
Compassion filled his tone. "If Spike is truly what is causing this imbalance in the Slayer line and making it vulnerable to attack, then it logically follows that his removal is the only thing that would rectify the situation."
They all fell silent as the implications of what Giles had said sunk in.
Buffy clenched her hands tightly, knuckles going white. "You mean I'm going to have to stake him." It came out as a whisper. "I don't know if I can." She looked at her hands. "It's just like with Angel, only worse - at least I went to kill him because he'd lost his soul. It almost destroyed me. How can I do this again?"
"Not a problem," came a voice from the dinning room entrance. Kennedy, Molly and the other potentials were standing there. "Point me in the right direction. I'll take care of it."
"Girls," Giles began, but Kennedy cut him off.
"If he's the reason that thing is able to take us out so easily, then I'm taking him out. Soul, no soul, it's all the same to me. " She gave Buffy a disdainful look. "Stake, heart, poof. No more vampire, no more problem, then we can all go back to our lives."
Willow bristled. "You know, this was a private conversation. And there are things going on that you have no idea about. And no right to judge anyone about. And didn't you know eavesdropping is rude?"
Molly had the good graces to look abashed. "Weren't trying to eavesdrop, exactly. We were downstairs talking, and there was a lull in the conversation and, well... there is an air duct here in the kitchen," she pointed to a small grate set in the wall, "and sound carries really well into the basement."
"And you weren't exactly being really quiet," Vi piped up from behind Kennedy.
"So." Kennedy tucked her stake in her waistband and crossed her arms. "Let's go vamp hunting."
Buffy drew herself up and squared off with the younger girl. "No, let's not. You are staying here. I am going to find Spike." Her face grew hard. "I have always done what I needed to do, no matter how much it cost me personally, and I'm not going to quit now."
Kennedy shook her head. "I think you might need a little help with this one, Slayer," she replied.
"Did you not notice the way she totally kicked the Turok Han's ass?" Xander inquired evenly, belying the anger in his face. "I think she can take care of one weak, souled vamp."
"She wasn't sleeping with the Turok Han."
There was a collective gasp in stereo around the room, and for a moment, it looked like Buffy might just lose her temper and punch the other girl. She managed to reign herself in, and nodded.
"Fine. But I'm warning you. Stay the hell out of my way."
Kennedy nodded. "I wouldn't dream of interfering."
Spike slogged through the sewers, driven by one thing. He had to get rid of his soul. And there certainly wasn't time to hop on a ship for the long trip back to Africa, which left only one option. He looked around for the access hatch. He knew it was around here somewhere. Ah! About ten feet ahead.
He reached up painfully, and gave it a mighty shove. The hatch flew open, and he heard voices above. He cleared his throat, then called up. "Oi! Willie! Drop a ladder down here." A moment later, the requested ladder slid down, landing with a thud. He slowly clambered up.
"Spike!" came the nervous voice. "What brings you here?"
Spike ignored the man till he was fully within the establishment and back on his feet. He turned to face the barkeeper. "I'm lookin' for a particular demon."
Willie nodded, wide eyed. "Uh, sure. Haven't seen you in such a long time, it's just a surprise is all." He quickly dragged the ladder up and threw it in the back storage room before closing the hatch. He motioned Spike to a barstool. "The usual? I've got some fresh O Neg."
Spike waved him off. "Just want to know where I can find the soul stealer."
Willie's eyes widened. "Him? Haven't heard from him since the Mayor had him in town to steal... well, that's all in the past." Willie looked around at his other patrons, most of whom were giving Spike the jaundiced eye. "Uh, Spike? You wanna sit down? You're kind of attracting a lot of attention. I'll go call a few contacts and see what I can find out."
Spike sighed wearily and nodded, then settled onto the stool. "Willie?"
"Yeah?"
"Hurry. Please."
The barkeep raised an eyebrow. Spike? Say please? And life on the Hellmouth just kept getting weirder.
It was nice to be home - somewhere that people understood there really were things that went bump in the night. That it was her job to kill them. And that demon goo had to be rinsed out of a silk shirt before it set.
Dawn breezed past her and headed upstairs.
"Do you have homework?"
Snort. Hair flip. Eyeroll. Avoidy Behaviour 101: Don't answer, don't lie. Buffy remembered this course. It was one of the few she had aced in High School.
"Uh-huh. You are so not calling Janice. Homework before phone."
"Buffy!"
The Slayer cocked an eyebrow at her little sister. "You do your homework, we're both happy, and then you can call Janice and talk to her all night."
"Fine," Dawn grumbled as she continued up the stairs. "There better not be an apocalypse before I'm finished or I'll be pissed."
"Dawn! Language!"
Dawn glanced over her shoulder, about to make a snarky comment when Xander appeared unexpectedly at the top of the stairs. His haggard appearance put a sudden end to their sisterly bickering.
"Buffy."
Fear tore through her belly. "Spike?" she whispered, frozen to the spot. But only for a moment. Before he could answer, she was up the stairs, past Dawn, past Xander and in the bedroom. She was already halfway across the room when Willow shook her head and laid a finger across her lips.
Spike lay there on the bed. Buffy watched him tossing and turning, gripped by nightmares or memories, perhaps both. Her heart skipped a beat when she realized that he was okay. About a second after that, her knees turned to jelly. She stepped back and leaned against the door jam for support. And breathing. Yes, breathing was good.
Dawn stepped into the room, took one look at Spike, and crossed the room to sit on her knees beside the bed. She reached up and tentatively took one of his hands in her own. The moment she touched him, he calmed, turning toward her in his sleep as if seeking comfort. Willow rose from the chair she'd been sitting in and crossed over to join Buffy by the door.
Buffy looked back at Xander, then at Willow. "What happened?" she demanded quietly.
Xander ran a hand through his hair. "Things almost got ugly, Buff," he replied. "While we were talking to Whistler-"
She cut him off, face tight with anger. "Whistler's back? Where is he?"
"I think he left, Buffy," Willow spoke softly. "The First paid Spike a visit while we were downstairs talking to him." She looked guiltily at the floor. "I think it was my fault. He told us that he couldn't tell us anymore, but I just kept on pushing him for more information and the second he told us something, the First got to Spike and made him attack Chloe."
Buffy blanched at that. "Is she okay?"
Xander nodded. "She's fine. A little shaken up, but fine." He grinned wryly. "Just like me." At her questioning look, he shrugged and looked away. "Giles and I tried to stop him. Didn't work out so well." He turned back to her. "Buffy, he had me cold. He was this close to ripping my throat out, but he stopped himself." Xander shook his head, amazement evident. "I thought I was dead, and he just - stopped. Then Whistler comes in and snaps his fingers, and there you are, lying on the bed, whispering murderous suggestions in his ear. Except it's not you, it's the First. Geeze, Buff! It's a wonder the guy can put two coherent thoughts together considering the way that thing has been playing mind games with him! And have I mentioned the part where he could have killed me and didn't? When all this is over, I'm going to have to apologize to him." He chuckled. "You know there's an apocalypse coming when I admit I need to apologize to Spike."
Buffy processed that for a moment before speaking. "Okay. I'm going on record here to say that when this is all over, and I finally kick the First's way evil ass out of my town, I'm going to go sit in a corner and wig for about a week. Advanced warning, just so you know."
Willow nodded vigorously. "I'll bring the Ben and Jerry's and keep you company."
Xander raised a hand. "Make a reservation in that corner for a party of three."
Buffy took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. She glanced over at Dawn. Her sister had pulled the chair over to the bed to sit beside Spike, and still held his hand. Buffy motioned the two of them out into the hall, then began to ask questions. "Okay. Willow. Explain to me the bit about this information, and what it had to do with the First making Spike go all bitey."
Her two friends quickly brought her up to speed on the conversation that had taken place earlier that day in the kitchen. She tried to puzzle through it.
"I don't get it," she mused, crossing her arms and leaning back against the wall. "The Eye of Borax said that I messed things up. Whistler said that I need to reconsider what the guide told me. The guide said that Death was my gift. Okay. I died. Glory is gone, the portal is closed, end of story. How is any of this relevant to what's happening?"
"Did she say anything else?" Xander probed.
"Loving, giving, death being my gift." Buffy shrugged. "It was all about giving up my life. I didn't understand when she told me, but it made perfect sense when I was standing on that tower faced with the choice of Dawn's death or mine."
"Buffy. Try to remember everything she said to you," Willow encouraged. "Word for word, no matter how inconsequential or trivial it seems. Maybe there was something else that you missed, or misinterpreted."
"Willow, there was no other interpretation!" Buffy insisted. "What else could it have been? Death was my gift. If I hadn't died, it would have been of the bad, with the whole dimensions mushing into each other and everything. Giles said so. He's usually right about that sort of stuff."
Xander opened his mouth as if to speak, then hesitated and said nothing.
"What?" she demanded.
"It's just... I'm not saying that you're wrong, Buffy. And I'm not saying that I would have wanted it to happen the other way, because I love her, just like I love you. I would have been devastated if anything had happened to her, you know that. But..."
Buffy's eyes widened as she realized what he was implying. "Are you trying to say that Dawn should have...? Are you crazy?" She looked like she was about to blow her stack. Willow touched her arm, trying to calm her down.
"No, Buffy, that's not what he's trying to say. He's trying to tell you that we need to know everything that the Spirit Guide said to you so we can see if there was something more that she was telling you, something that maybe you missed."
Xander spoke again. "I love Dawn, Buffy. You can't even question that. All I'm saying is that there was another person who could have closed that portal. I'm not saying that she should have, just that she could have." His eyes begged her to understand. "Please don't hate me for saying it."
She couldn't look at him. "I don't Xander. But I don't like you a lot for saying it, either."
"Buffy, please." Willow implored her. "Try to remember."
She heaved a sigh. "Okay. Let me think."
Buffy closed her eyes and took a centering breath, drawing on the skills that Giles had spent years drumming into her to calm the disquiet raging through her. She slid down the wall and sat cross-legged, then turned her focus inward to the memories of her quest. She could see, in her mind's eye, the rocky landscape, the fire dancing between her and her guide. Slowly, she began to speak.
"The guide told me that I was full of love, that I love with all my soul. That it was brighter than fire... blinding. And that was why I pull away from it."
"She said I would lose it only if I rejected it. She told me that love is pain, and the Slayer forges strength from pain." Buffy paused for a moment, then her voice shifted, and she was echoing the voice of the guide rather than just explaining what it had said. "Love ... give ... forgive. Risk the pain. It is your nature. Love will bring you to your gift."
Willow knelt in front of her. "She said that love would bring you to your gift?"
"Yes."
"What is your gift, Buffy?"
Buffy's eyes fluttered open and she spoke in a whisper. "Death is my gift." She looked up at Willow, stricken. "Death. My gift is death. It's all I have to offer, Willow. Maybe... maybe this really is all my fault. If I had just stayed dead-"
"No!" Xander exclaimed. "I can't accept that. I won't. If your coming back was going to set everything so out of balance that it would trigger the next apocalypse, the Powers never should have let us do it. If they did, then there has to be a loophole somewhere. I've read enough contracts to know that there are always stipulations and clauses and quid pro quos and dammit! There is another way, Buffy Summers, because you are NOT going to die over this!" Xander's face was flushed, his hands clenched tightly by the time he finished. He tried to put on a grin, but it came out lopsided. "I'm just sayin'."
Willow sniffled. "Yeah. What he said."
Buffy clambered back to her feet, drew a shaky breath, then gave her friends a nod. "Okay. I'm with you on that. Last year was tough, but I made it - we all made I t- and I want to be here. So. Help me out here, guys, 'cuz I'm not big with the interpreting. What does this all mean?"
"Maybe Xander was right, Buffy. Maybe it wasn't supposed to be you in the first place."
The three of them spun around to find Dawn standing there, tears running down her face. "You were trying to love me, even though I'm not real. In the hospital, when you told me that it was Summers blood, that I was part of you, I started to believe it. And on that tower, when I saw you were willing to sacrifice everything for me, I knew it. I knew that you really loved me. And I was willing to die then. But you jumped. Buffy, you loved me, and maybe the gift your love was supposed to lead you to was my death, not yours. Maybe..." Dawn choked back a sob. "Maybe this is all my fault. It should have been me."
"Oh, Dawnster!" Xander was full of remorse. He stepped forward and put his hands on her shoulders "No way! I was trying to tell Buffy that sometimes we hear something and take it to mean one thing and then we find out it didn't mean what we thought after all!" He slipped a hand under her chin and made her look into his eyes. "I feel the same way about you as I do about Buffy. I have declared a moratorium on and Summers women dying over this thing. You got that, kiddo?"
She nodded, and then he pulled her into his embrace. She stood there for a moment, then pulled away. "Uhm... I don't want to snot all over your shirt. Gotta.." she waved towards the bathroom, then darted across the hall and into it, locking the door behind her.
"Well." Xander covered his eyes with one hand. "That covers the 'make a total heel of yourself' portion of my day."
"I should talk to her..." Buffy stepped across to bathroom door. "Dawn? Dawn, please let me in."
Xander headed downstairs and left Willow to slip back in the bedroom to keep vigil over Spike.
"And then Dawn came out? She heard what you said?"
"I didn't know she was there, An. I never meant to hurt her."
Anya bit back the reply she wanted to make, but from the way that Xander squirmed, she could tell that he was quite aware of that which was unsaid. Which was just as good.
"It was a valid point, Xander," Giles remarked, "If somewhat carelessly delivered. Buffy does need to think about what else the message she received from the spirit guide might have meant."
Anya jumped up before Giles could turn back to full research mode. She needed to get away from the books. And Xander.
"I'm going to help Willow. If Spike goes all fangy and out of control, at least I'll be safe since Buffy's home now." Both men spluttered as she left the room. She smiled to herself as she climbed the stairs. You can take the girl out of the vengeance biz...
As she approached the bedroom, Anya heard muted voices coming from the bathroom. Buffy was obviously picking up the pieces of the Xanderific wordfest. She sighed as she walked into the bedroom. She knew he really didn't mean to hurt Dawn, but she still ached from what he'd done less than a year before, and it would be some time before she was able to let it go. She shook herself out of her preoccupation with Xander as Willow looked up at her in surprise. Nothing better than focusing on a possible end of the world scenario to pull one out of the doldrums.
"I am here to help," she informed Willow with a nod of her head. "What would you like me to do?"
"Uhm..." Willow tried, and failed to come up with a job for her. "Nothing much to do but sit with him, Anya. Why don't you just sit here and keep me company?"
"I can do that." Anya pulled up the stool from in front of the vanity and settled in beside Willow. She leaned towards the other girl, and spoke sotto voice. "I like this job. Much easier than research."
They were both silent for few minutes, before Anya began to fidget. She looked up at Willow. "I want to talk."
The other woman eyed her warily. "About what?"
"Well, you and Xander did talk to Buffy. He told me what she said. What the spirit guide told Buffy. What do you think it means?"
Willow sighed. "I... I really don't know, Anya. It could be exactly what Buffy thought."
"But if so, why would the Whistler demon say that she needed to reexamine it?"
"You're right. But I really don't know what it could be. Not a clue."
Anya was silent for a moment, thinking. She had a half formed theory of her own, something she'd been toying with ever since Whistler had shown up that morning. After she'd learned what the spirit guide had told Buffy, she was even more convinced that she was on the right track. But she knew that none of them were going to be in the least bit receptive to it.
"What if it's about someone who loved her?"
Willow looked at her, puzzled. "What do you mean?"
"Well, the guide said that love would lead her to her gift. Death was her gift. Okay. Putting aside the Glory/Dawn/Key/portal business - because I think that it had to happen the way it did - and setting aside the whole resurrection thing as well - because having spent many years in the demon realms, I can tell you that if the Powers really had a problem with it, it would NOT have happened - what if it's not about her at all?"
"I... huh?" Willow's face screwed up in confusion. "Anya, what are you talking about?"
Anya leaned in closer, warming up to her pet theory. "Think for a minute, Willow. Who has loved Buffy, maybe poorly, but fully, unconditionally, for a long time now? I'll give you a hint." She smiled. "He's dead."
Willow gaped. "SPIKE?"
"Shhh!!!
Willow slapped her hand over her mouth, and glanced down at the vampire. He was still sleeping soundly. She looked back up at Anya who had a cat-and- the-canary expression on her face. "What are you trying to say here, exactly?"
Anya rolled her eyes and let out a derisive snort. "You know exactly what I am saying. Maybe Spike was her gift. He loved her. Loves her still. He's dead. Maybe she was supposed to love, give, forgive - him! But she didn't. She wouldn't."
"But... but how would that have created this imbalance in the Chosen line?"
Anya sighed. "It's all about Balance, Willow. It always has been, always will be. Something in all of this smells suspiciously like destiny to me. As in, Spike and Buffy. I felt it from time to time before, I just didn't realize what it was. They're like yin and yang. Good touched by darkness, evil tempered by good." Anya stared at her hands, clasped in her lap. "I think Spike was a gift to Buffy - and maybe she was a gift for him too, I don't know. God know, after everything she's been through, she deserved a gift. And after all Spike has done to try and change his ways..." She looked back at Willow. "You remember how he was there for us all summer? There for Dawn? How he saved all of us more than once?" She laughed mirthlessly.
"We all pushed him away after she came back. Never saw the good he was striving for. Then she used him. They used each other. And it broke. And he ran off to get a soul."
"But... but, what does that have to do with this?"
Anya looked back at Spike. "Willow, what do you think that soul did to the balance?" She stood up abruptly. "Of course, I could be totally wrong. It's been nice chatting with you and not having to pretend I'm reading badly catalogued reference material. Which I am planning on itemizing and cross- referencing at my earliest opportunity so that Giles can find whatever obscure text he's looking for without my help."
With that, she strolled out of the room.
Willow sat frozen in her chair, thinking about what Anya had said. It couldn't be anything so fantastical... could it? And if so, then what? What would Buffy have to do to restore the balance?
She suddenly felt stifled, like she couldn't breath. She glanced down at the sleeping vampire once more, then rose to her feet and began pacing the room. No, that wasn't enough. Fresh air, that's what she needed. And no opening of the windows and possibly letting lethal afternoon sun in on Spike. She stuck her head out the bedroom door and looked down the hall to see if there was anyone there. She heard Buffy's voice coming from the bathroom.
"Buffy?"
A blonde head popped out the bathroom door. "Yeah?"
"Uhm... I just need to get some air. He's still sleeping."
She nodded. "We'll be there in a minute, Will." Buffy ducked back in the door.
Willow closed the bedroom door most the way, then slipped down the stairs, through the dining room and kitchen, and out the back door. She sat on the bench and tilted her face back to absorb some sunshine. Two of the potentials were outside as well, sitting on the grass talking as the got some much needed sun after being cooped up all day.
A few minutes later, Xander traipsed outside to come sit beside her.
"Penny for them."
She smiled ruefully "I think you would want a refund."
"C'mon, Will. Share with the Xanman. I've got broad shoulders."
She opened her mouth to speak, but at that moment, Dawn flying through the back door. "Willow! Spike's gone!"
Willow looked up at the almost hysterical girl to see Anya standing behind her. Their eyes met, and they spoke as one.
"Oh, no..."
Part 5
The house was in an uproar. They checked every nook and cranny, looking everywhere, from the cubbyhole under the stairs to the attic crawlspace. Spike had vanished.
"You don't think the First got to him and..." Dawn trailed off, looking out the window. The evening shadows were lengthening, but it was still lethally sunny outdoors.
"No unexplained piles of dust on the front porch or steps," Buffy informed her. "He didn't take a sunlit stroll."
They were gathered in the kitchen. Dawn, Anya and Buffy sat at the island while Xander and Giles leaned against the counter. Willow stood by the door to the dinning area. She took a quick glance out to make sure that none of the potential slayers were within earshot, and then cleared her throat.
"Uh, guys?"
They all waited expectantly. After a few moments of watching Willow fidget while she tried to figure out what to say, Anya spoke up. "She's trying to tell you that Spike might have left because he overheard us talking about him being Buffy's gift."
A cacophony of voices erupted.
"What?"
"That's absurd!"
"It's official. You have lost your mind."
"I knew this was going to happen," the ex-demon muttered under her breath.
Dawn looked at Anya, a hopeful expression on her face. "You mean... maybe this isn't all my fault?"
Buffy reached out and placed a hand on Dawn's arm. "We've been through this already. I told you, there is no way this is your fault." Then she addressed Anya. "Would you mind explaining exactly what the hell you mean by that?"
Anya rolled her eyes at the men's hostile reactions, then turned her attention to Buffy. "Oh, come on! If we're honest about examining all possibilities, you have to at least consider it."
"Consider what?" The slayer demanded. "That Spike is my gift?"
Anya shook her head. "You know he loves you, Buffy. And what if his love was what your spirit guide was talking about?"
Buffy gestured towards her sister. "That was about saving the world - and saving Dawn. She meant that my death was the gift."
"Or maybe your death was your choice," Anya shot back. "Freely given, because you love your sister, and saving the world is part of you job description. But tell me, where does the forgiveness part fit in with that?"
Buffy opened her mouth, then closed it, stymied. She turned to Giles. "Uh... help me out with this one?"
Giles was studying Anya intently. "Let me be certain that I understand you correctly. You are opining that... Spike's 'love'," he pronounced the word with distaste "was the vehicle through which Buffy was to receive her gift. And that gift was... Spike."
Anya beamed. "Exactly!"
Xander looked a little green. "I think I'm going to be sick."
Giles pressed on. "And she was to love him back? Forgive him?"
She nodded. "It fits with what her guide told her."
"I can't buy that, Anya." Buffy shook her head. "Free will, here. No moldy prophesies that I'm aware of saying that I have to love a vampire."
"But do you?" Willow questioned. Buffy turned to face her friend, a wary look on her face.
"He's a vampire, Will. With a soul now, but still undead. Blood sucking. And part of many not happy memories, some of which involve him trying to kill me."
Willow shook her head. "I know. But do you love him?"
Buffy hesitated. "I... "
"Buff?" Xander stared at her. She looked up at him, a guilty expression on her face, then dropped her gaze to the floor.
"I... I don't know," she finally admitted. "I feel for him. I care about what happens to him."
Dawn crossed her arms and cocked an eyebrow at her sister. "That doesn't sound like a no, Buffy." She snorted. "I thought you said 'no' just a little too quickly that day we talked on the bleachers."
"Okay, ignoring the extremely wiggy concept that there could be any feelings warmer than 'ewww-ick-dead-thing' between the souled-wonder and the Buffster, can I just ask - so what?" Xander held out upturned hands. "What difference does any of this make?"
Willow glanced at Anya, then replied. "If what she is proposing is correct, Xander, then when Spike went to get his soul, the balance was altered in favour of the good."
"And again, so what? Why is that Buffy's problem? Like she said, free will. She didn't want to be with him. His choices are his."
Giles looked thoughtful. "This is all supposition and conjecture, but..." He paused, trying to work it through in his mind even as he spoke. "If we run with this theory, her choice to reject him as he was before placed Spike in an untenable position. He was unable to be truly good with no conscience to guide or control him - and unable to be truly evil with both the chip and his extended exposure to us having caused a paradigm shift in the way he perceived humans." His expression grew bleak. "In which case, Buffy forced his hand. And as her gift from the powers, he, in essence, became part of the mystical forces surrounding her. When he was granted his soul - that was when those forces became unstable."
Buffy's eyes filled with anguish. "Oh my god."
Xander laughed nervously. "But this is just one theory. A totally whacked theory. Someone has to have another interpretation." He looked around at Willow, then Giles. "Watcher man! You have another theory? Tell me you have another theory!"
Giles slowly shook his head, never taking his eyes off Buffy who seemed to be wilting into her seat. Anya sat back, a smug expression on her face. Willow came up to her stricken friend and wrapped an arm around her shoulders. It was Dawn who asked the pertinent question.
"Uhm... so, how does Buffy fix it?" she asked, casting a worried glance at her sister. "Does she just go say "Hey, Spike, I love you!" and all is well?"
Giles sighed tiredly. "I'm afraid it's not the simple, Dawn. The damage has been done. The Beljoxa Eye said the forces have become irrevocably altered. I don't believe a proclamation of love would make any difference at this point."
"I'm still voting for alternate theories, here," Xander chimed in.
Anya glared at him. "Xander, everyone else has accepted this," she said in a no nonsense tone. "Stop living in the land of denial and get over it. We have more important things to do than hold your hand and coddle you through a temper tantrum."
"Giles?" Buffy looked up at her Watcher. "How do I fix this?"
Compassion filled his tone. "If Spike is truly what is causing this imbalance in the Slayer line and making it vulnerable to attack, then it logically follows that his removal is the only thing that would rectify the situation."
They all fell silent as the implications of what Giles had said sunk in.
Buffy clenched her hands tightly, knuckles going white. "You mean I'm going to have to stake him." It came out as a whisper. "I don't know if I can." She looked at her hands. "It's just like with Angel, only worse - at least I went to kill him because he'd lost his soul. It almost destroyed me. How can I do this again?"
"Not a problem," came a voice from the dinning room entrance. Kennedy, Molly and the other potentials were standing there. "Point me in the right direction. I'll take care of it."
"Girls," Giles began, but Kennedy cut him off.
"If he's the reason that thing is able to take us out so easily, then I'm taking him out. Soul, no soul, it's all the same to me. " She gave Buffy a disdainful look. "Stake, heart, poof. No more vampire, no more problem, then we can all go back to our lives."
Willow bristled. "You know, this was a private conversation. And there are things going on that you have no idea about. And no right to judge anyone about. And didn't you know eavesdropping is rude?"
Molly had the good graces to look abashed. "Weren't trying to eavesdrop, exactly. We were downstairs talking, and there was a lull in the conversation and, well... there is an air duct here in the kitchen," she pointed to a small grate set in the wall, "and sound carries really well into the basement."
"And you weren't exactly being really quiet," Vi piped up from behind Kennedy.
"So." Kennedy tucked her stake in her waistband and crossed her arms. "Let's go vamp hunting."
Buffy drew herself up and squared off with the younger girl. "No, let's not. You are staying here. I am going to find Spike." Her face grew hard. "I have always done what I needed to do, no matter how much it cost me personally, and I'm not going to quit now."
Kennedy shook her head. "I think you might need a little help with this one, Slayer," she replied.
"Did you not notice the way she totally kicked the Turok Han's ass?" Xander inquired evenly, belying the anger in his face. "I think she can take care of one weak, souled vamp."
"She wasn't sleeping with the Turok Han."
There was a collective gasp in stereo around the room, and for a moment, it looked like Buffy might just lose her temper and punch the other girl. She managed to reign herself in, and nodded.
"Fine. But I'm warning you. Stay the hell out of my way."
Kennedy nodded. "I wouldn't dream of interfering."
Spike slogged through the sewers, driven by one thing. He had to get rid of his soul. And there certainly wasn't time to hop on a ship for the long trip back to Africa, which left only one option. He looked around for the access hatch. He knew it was around here somewhere. Ah! About ten feet ahead.
He reached up painfully, and gave it a mighty shove. The hatch flew open, and he heard voices above. He cleared his throat, then called up. "Oi! Willie! Drop a ladder down here." A moment later, the requested ladder slid down, landing with a thud. He slowly clambered up.
"Spike!" came the nervous voice. "What brings you here?"
Spike ignored the man till he was fully within the establishment and back on his feet. He turned to face the barkeeper. "I'm lookin' for a particular demon."
Willie nodded, wide eyed. "Uh, sure. Haven't seen you in such a long time, it's just a surprise is all." He quickly dragged the ladder up and threw it in the back storage room before closing the hatch. He motioned Spike to a barstool. "The usual? I've got some fresh O Neg."
Spike waved him off. "Just want to know where I can find the soul stealer."
Willie's eyes widened. "Him? Haven't heard from him since the Mayor had him in town to steal... well, that's all in the past." Willie looked around at his other patrons, most of whom were giving Spike the jaundiced eye. "Uh, Spike? You wanna sit down? You're kind of attracting a lot of attention. I'll go call a few contacts and see what I can find out."
Spike sighed wearily and nodded, then settled onto the stool. "Willie?"
"Yeah?"
"Hurry. Please."
The barkeep raised an eyebrow. Spike? Say please? And life on the Hellmouth just kept getting weirder.