The Worst Part 2/2
You never let her be affecionate with you in public. Not too much anyways. On occasion, when you're drunk, you'll wrap your arms around her, but no one ever finds it strange. She is your best friend, after all. So maybe you're the one that initiates the affection when you deem it appropriate. Or something like that. You try to ignore the hurt look that flashes quickly through her eyes each time you reject her or cancel plans, but it's there. You know it and she knows it. You can always tell she's mad at you while driving: Silence resounds through the car, a somber expression graces her face and she starts driving a little more agressively. A unsettling feeling usuallly drops into the pit of your stomache at these times or any other moments you've managed to hurt her, but yet, for some unbenownst reason, you continually push forward, as if finding the thing to hurt her is some sick game.
She's never been stupid. She sees clearly through the facade you present. She's known parts of you that even you never knew existed. Surprising? No. Incredibly nervewracking? Yes. But you know her too. You know that excited joyous look that instantly appears when you two find something fun and spontaneous to do. Or her ability to be passionate and determined at whatever she sets her mind to. But you also see the split moment of joy when she sees you for the first time after a long day, and the sadness that accompanies it. You two no longer talk about the problems anymore. Having a long heartwrenching discussion and watching her pour out her heart and cry was too much - for both of you. So now you've fallen into this vivcious cycle of the desire to never stop kissing her to shoving her far from your heart.
So why do you not let her sleep with you at night? It's not like you mind having her next to you in bed. Many times, afterwards, you fall asleep holding her in your arms and it's never been a bad thing. Maybe because, if you really ever thought about it, her touch still mangages to burn through your skin. And when she kisses you, you feel complete, but yet hungry for more. But you don't think about these things. It's dangerous territory. The last time you were there, you fell hard, fell so incredibly deep into your best friend and the amazing stunning woman she was and has become. You told her once she was like a drug- addictive, comforting in the moment, but yet so incredibly bad for you. And the factor that you can't quit. She loves you. Probably more than anyone will ever love you. That kind of unconditoinal searing type that you thought only existed in movies. And you let her, although you won't allow yourself to love her back with the same intensity.
But how does that explain the jealousy that whips through your chest if another guy is remotely interested in her? Or the strange mix of emotions when you see that rare truly happy smile directed at someone else? Or those times, she's feel her breathing underneath you, you won't nothing more but to make her feel what you feel. You know she thinks it's only a physical need, and you let her believe this. You can't even fully explain it to yourself what it is. And as much as she wants to go back to "just the two of us," it's impossible, no matter how many times you promise her things are just the same.
Maybe it's just fear. You realized a long time ago that the biggest problem between you two is her want for you to need her and your fear of needing people. The truth is, you need her. She'll walk away one day. When some man stronger, smarter and kinder than you comes along and actually sees her for who she really is and executes the proper display of affection and love. And you'll let her leave, without a fight. And that's the worst part of all.
You never let her be affecionate with you in public. Not too much anyways. On occasion, when you're drunk, you'll wrap your arms around her, but no one ever finds it strange. She is your best friend, after all. So maybe you're the one that initiates the affection when you deem it appropriate. Or something like that. You try to ignore the hurt look that flashes quickly through her eyes each time you reject her or cancel plans, but it's there. You know it and she knows it. You can always tell she's mad at you while driving: Silence resounds through the car, a somber expression graces her face and she starts driving a little more agressively. A unsettling feeling usuallly drops into the pit of your stomache at these times or any other moments you've managed to hurt her, but yet, for some unbenownst reason, you continually push forward, as if finding the thing to hurt her is some sick game.
She's never been stupid. She sees clearly through the facade you present. She's known parts of you that even you never knew existed. Surprising? No. Incredibly nervewracking? Yes. But you know her too. You know that excited joyous look that instantly appears when you two find something fun and spontaneous to do. Or her ability to be passionate and determined at whatever she sets her mind to. But you also see the split moment of joy when she sees you for the first time after a long day, and the sadness that accompanies it. You two no longer talk about the problems anymore. Having a long heartwrenching discussion and watching her pour out her heart and cry was too much - for both of you. So now you've fallen into this vivcious cycle of the desire to never stop kissing her to shoving her far from your heart.
So why do you not let her sleep with you at night? It's not like you mind having her next to you in bed. Many times, afterwards, you fall asleep holding her in your arms and it's never been a bad thing. Maybe because, if you really ever thought about it, her touch still mangages to burn through your skin. And when she kisses you, you feel complete, but yet hungry for more. But you don't think about these things. It's dangerous territory. The last time you were there, you fell hard, fell so incredibly deep into your best friend and the amazing stunning woman she was and has become. You told her once she was like a drug- addictive, comforting in the moment, but yet so incredibly bad for you. And the factor that you can't quit. She loves you. Probably more than anyone will ever love you. That kind of unconditoinal searing type that you thought only existed in movies. And you let her, although you won't allow yourself to love her back with the same intensity.
But how does that explain the jealousy that whips through your chest if another guy is remotely interested in her? Or the strange mix of emotions when you see that rare truly happy smile directed at someone else? Or those times, she's feel her breathing underneath you, you won't nothing more but to make her feel what you feel. You know she thinks it's only a physical need, and you let her believe this. You can't even fully explain it to yourself what it is. And as much as she wants to go back to "just the two of us," it's impossible, no matter how many times you promise her things are just the same.
Maybe it's just fear. You realized a long time ago that the biggest problem between you two is her want for you to need her and your fear of needing people. The truth is, you need her. She'll walk away one day. When some man stronger, smarter and kinder than you comes along and actually sees her for who she really is and executes the proper display of affection and love. And you'll let her leave, without a fight. And that's the worst part of all.