IOHITF - WARNING!!! Contains Legolas-mocking!!!
E/N: Okay, I know, this took me ages. I'm sorry. I meant to update sooner, but *someone* (glares at Endomiel and several other people, of which some are random) made me update other fics first. Seeing as I had to fill about 35 pages, that took a while. Therefore I'm gonna write an extra long chapter this time, as long as you don't shoot me. (Shoot my mathematics teacher! He's perfect for target practice! Really!) Well, I'll just get to writing then...
Love, peace and a paperclip,
-xxx- Elvea
Disclaimer: I do not own anything that New Line Cinema or Tolkien Enterprises already owns *sobs* and I am not gaining any other profit out of writing this than (positive) reviews and a good laugh when I think of a new cruel way to annoy Legolas. So there.
This chapter is dedicated to all the lovely readers and reviewers I currently have on this story. Thank you all so much for reading this story, and for not flaming me to hell simply because of the idea for the story alone, which is basically what I'd expected to happen. Thank you for making it turn out so different. I hope you'll all enjoy this.
"But the king (A/N: Thranduil), when he received the prayers of Bard, had pity, for he was the lord of a good and kindly people..." (the Hobbit, by J.R.R. Tolkien, chapter 14; Fire and Water)
"Legolas turned and set an arrow to the string, though it was a long shot for his small bow. He drew, but his hand fell, and the arrow slipped to the ground. He gave a cry of dismay and fear (A/N: MOMMY!!!). Two great trolls appeared (...). But it was not the trolls that had filled the Elf with terror. The ranks of orcs had opened, and they crowded away, as if they themselves were afraid. Something was coming up behind them. What it was could not be seen: it was like a great shadow, in the middle of which was a dark form, of man-shape maybe, yet greater; and a power and terror seemed to be in it and to go before it. (...) in its left hand it held a whip of many thongs.
'Ai! Ai!' wailed Legolas. 'A Balrog! A Balrog is come!' " (the Fellowship of the Ring, by J.R.R. Tolkien, book 2 - chapter 5; The Bridge of Khazad- Dûm)
"In the waybread of the Elves he (A/N: Legolas) found all the sustenance that he needed, and he could sleep, if sleep it could be called by Men, resting his mind in the strange paths of elvish dreams, even as he walked open-eyed in the light of this world." (the Two Towers, by J.R.R. Tolkien, book 3 - chapter 2; The Riders of Rohan)
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Chapter 4 - Pissy Maiden Syndrome
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~*~ Elena's POV ~*~
I gasped as I felt the orc's dagger sink deep into my side. I'M GOING TO DIE!!! The cry rang through my mind as I sank to the ground. Just before I was overtaken by the darkness, I could see Legolas letting out a fierce cry and he attacked the remainder of orcs, then everything turned black.
Was I dead? I didn't know. All I knew was the darkness around me, and the deathlike silence that accompanied it. Death-like. What a stupid term to use when you're not even sure if you're still alive or not. There seemed to be no end to the darkness. Just when I realized that I had to be dead, I could hear faint whispers in the distance.
'Hello?! Is anyone there?!' I called out into the darkness. It was of no avail. Even as the words left my mouth, they died down again. Died down. Death. Dead. But am I dead?
I heard more whispers in the distance. I tried to run towards the source of the sound, but I found myself unable to move. I looked down. More darkness, not even the slightest indication of where I could be. Heaven? Hell? Well, then it sure is annoying. And I didn't seem to have a body anymore. More whispers in the distance. I tried to focus on the sound. Whispers in a language I didn't know. Wait a minute... if you can hear, that means that you have to have a body of some kind, right? Or do ghosts have a normal hearing-ability too?
So what does this mean? That I'm not dead, but in a coma or something? Or does it mean that this is some kind of afterlife?
The whispers became louder, and after a while a clear voice was speaking to me, but even though the voice sounded familiar, I couldn't quite place it, nor did I understand the words.
A bright light -oh how cliché- appeared in the far distance, growing as it approached. Drawing nearer to me I could make out a human shape in the light. Was an angel come to take me to heaven?
'Elena, lasto beth nin. Tolo dan nan aurë' the voice came again, and it seemed to come from the angel. The words seemed familiar, I had heard them somewhere else, but my memory was blurred and I just couldn't figure it out.
'Elena, listen to my voice. Return to the light of day' the angel said in words I could understand.
'How?' I asked.
'Tolo dan nan galad. Return to the light' the angel said. Now that's a great help. Return to the light. Easy for him to say, he *is* the light... I AM SUCH A MORON!!! It's so obvious! Return to the light. The angel is the light.
I stepped forward -why is it that I *can* move now, but couldn't move half a minute ago?!- and took the angel's hand.
~*~ Legolas' POV ~*~
I closed my eyes for a moment when Elena reached out and took my hand. After I had slain the remaining orcs I had ran over to her and had found her alive, but barely breathing. All that time, words spoken not long ago ran through my mind.
"Hmmm... this might not even be such a bad idea after all. With a little luck I'll lose her on the way, or she'll freeze to death, or maybe she'll get eaten by wargs, or slain by orcs...'
'Well I'm sure that won't happen Master Elf, because she has a very respectable, wise, noble, mighty and invincible prince with her to protect her from danger until she gets home..."
Invincible and wise... but only when I didn't let my personal feelings get in the way of a person's life. Only if nobody died I would be truly invincible. Now I understood what Aragorn had meant.
I had laid Elena down and had removed the dagger carefully. Then I had quickly investigated the wound. It was deep, but far on the side of her body -she must have turned herself aside in a reflex- and had not hit any vital organs thanks to that. Then I had tended the wound to stop the bleed, and when that was done I tried to reach her in the darkness of her mind, and had tried to get her out of it. That's when she grabbed my hand, a sign that she was regaining conscience, despite the amount of blood she had lost.
She opened her eyes. They grew wide when she noticed how close my face was to hers, even wider when she noticed her lack of tunic and that I was leaning over her.
'GET YOUR FILTHY HANDS OFF ME YOU DAMN DIRTY ELF!!!' she screamed with an amazingly strong voice, and then pushed me away with a strength you also wouldn't expect from someone as badly injured as she was. I got up.
'Elena, listen...' I said, 'this is not what it looks like, I-'
'So you're saying that I should just lay here half-naked finding your face half an inch away from mine, and believe you when you say that it's not what it looks like?!' she shouted furiously as she jumped up. She winced in pain and grabbed for her side. I walked to her to help her, but she hit my stretched-out arm away in anger.
'Yes! I mean, no! I mean-'
'This is disgusting do you realize that?! I nearly get killed by orcs and you decide that it's fun-time for you! You-'
'Like I'd want *you*' I replied angrily. How dare she accuse me of such a thing?! She glared at me, then kicked my shin hard. She winced in pain again and sank to the ground, clutching her side.
'Asshole' she hissed.
'Stop doing those things! You were bleeding to death and I tended your wound, but if you keep moving like that it's gonna start bleeding again!'
'Why did you help me if you hate me so much anyway?! Wasn't it exactly what you wanted, me getting killed?!'
'The only one with the right to kill you, is me! If you die on this journey, it will only be BY MY HANDS!!! Besides, I could never show my face to Aragorn and Arwen again if I can't even protect a prisoner from a small band of orcs'
'But when you were done you thought "hey, might as well have a little fun to relax from all the worries!" so you decided to rape me' she replied icily, sending me a cold glance from where she sat. The cold of her glance made me shudder for a moment. 'You disgust me so much. I'm so glad the angel came to rescue me before you could do anything!'
'What angel?!'
'The creature of light, you idiot!'
'That's what I'm trying to tell you! It was me! I brought you back!'
'What?!'
'It was me!'
'Liar! Explain why my tunic is missing!'
'Well it's kind of hard to take care of a wound in the chest if I don't take the thing off, don't you think?! If you want it, it's right over there!' I pointed at the tunic that was lying pretty much right next to her. She glared at me, then put it on as fast as she could without her wound causing her too much pain. 'You cold at least thank me for saving your life!' I said.
'WHY DON'T YOU JUST WALK TO MORDOR?!!!' she shouted.
'Been there, done that...' I replied softly and truthfully, but she had heard it. (A/N: Legolas went as far as the Black Gate, but that still counts as Mordor) She let out a furious cry and kicked a tree-trunk to get rid of her anger.
~*~ Elena's POV ~*~
I cried in pain as I kicked the tree, I felt pain with every move I made all thanks to that stupid orc. Stupid Legolas, he can't even heal me properly. Really, he's such a pain! Literally! And how could I have been so stupid?! An angel, yeah right. An Elf. And then the words I didn't understand right away... simple Elvish. Hello! I speak all Elvish known on Earth fluently! I've read every book about Middle-earth at least 10 times just to learn the Elvish! And this was literally in the movie too! God I feel like such an idiot.
I kicked the tree again and grasped at my side right away as the pain shot through my entire body. I sank to the ground, breathing heavily.
'I told you, if you keep doing that, your wound will start bleeding again' Legolas said.
'Like you care'
'Fine! Bleed to death! See if I care!'
'Fine!'
'Fine!'
~*~
It was now ten days since the attack of the orcs, and six days since we crossed the Anduin at the South Undeep. We were now riding through the Brown Lands, as Elf-boy had told me. As if I didn't know that. I know my topography of Middle-earth perfectly, including Beleriand and Númenor. Hell, I knew even a part of the map of Valinor. Okay, so they're the only maps I can read, at least I can be sure not to get lost in this stupid world. Except maybe when I'm in the middle of Mirkwood on my own, or get kidnapped and blindfolded, or when I'm taken so far south that it's not on the map anymore... anyway, I know where we are.
The name of these lands made perfect sense if you only looked around. The landscape consisted of wide stretched out plains, scattered all over the slopes these lands contained. The plains were full of dehydrated plants, or simply remainders of other things, as if a great fire had gone all over the lands not long ago. By my knowledge of the books, though, that fire was here thousands of years ago, caused by Sauron in his first wars on Middle- earth. The look of these lands, and the knowledge that Sauron had caused this made me think of Mordor all the more; a barren wasteland.
Every once in a while there was a small grove, but all the trees were dead, ghastly remainders of what had once been beautiful trees. In all these lands water was scarce, and drinkable water even harder to find. Also, there were no paths at all, it seemed that not a single human being (or Elven, or Dwarfish or Hobbit or whatever) had travelled through these parts for centuries. Great, now we're also playing explorer. In all the days that we had ridden through these parts I hadn't seen a single living creature except for Elf-boy and our horses.
I am glad to say that we found my horse back after the attack of the orcs, which means that I don't have to sit right behind Elf-boy on his horse. There is a God! Woohoo! The idiot naming himself Legolas had in the meantime decided to allow me to take baths in nearby streams and pools. Apparently he finds it amusing to allow me such things when there's hardly any water to find. Trust me, you will NOT like Middle-earth if ever you get there, and I'm *still* waiting for that nurse with my medication.
Legolas gestured for me to halt and we stopped our horses for a short break. As I dismounted I felt the pain going through me again, that damn wound refused to heal faster. And if you thought things couldn't get worse, you were wrong. I also had a major pain in the stomach and was in a particularly bad mood because I had discovered half an hour ago that certain laws of nature had decided to also work in this stupid world, which resulted in me PMS-ing at the worst possible time.
And I'm not even going to bother to ask Legolas for tampons or anything, because he probably hasn't heard of that anyway. Nor did I ask for any aspirin, and I certainly didn't ask for chocolate, because the most sacred invention ever has not been invented here in Middle-earth. Somebody is soooooo going to die! I swear, Middle-earth is hell. Makes you wonder if Sauron secretly took over the world anyway.
I grabbed my pack to get my water skin out. My eyes fell on the pieces of cloth Arwen had given me before I left Minas Tirith. So that's what they're for... bless Arwen and her foreseeing eye. Maybe she'd put in some painkilling herbs or something in here as well, I mean, she's an Elf, she knows all about those things... I hope. It took me half a minute to find out I was wrong. No herbs. Crap.
'We'll be leaving in a minute' Legolas said. Hey... Elf-boy could fetch me some herbs... okay, this asks for a subtle approach.
'Legolas' I said in a voice so sweet that you'd spontaneously get holes in your teeth had you heard it, 'fetch me some herbs or I'll kill you'
'No. I don't have time for useless things like that'
'I want my painkilling herbs!'
'No'
'Get me herbs. Now!'
~*~ Legolas' POV ~*~
Before I knew what was happening, Elena jumped me, causing me to fall backwards and land underneath her. She started choking me. Now this is what I call scary; a severely wounded mortal girl, managing to catch me off guard and pinning me to the ground! Moreover, she was busy killing me, or trying to do so anyway. The look in her eyes told me it was serious. She looked so angry that it made an angry Balrog look like a cute pet. Getting a pet Balrog might not even be a bad idea when all this is done. I mean, I had to suppress the urge to scream in terror, I was not going to make a fool out of myself like I'd done years ago in Moria.
'Okay! I'll get you your precious herbs!' I forced the words out of my throat. She let go immediately and calmly sat down next to me. I gasped for air. She started humming some tune, looking very pleased, and not at all with her mind in this world. Give her some flowers and she'll make a garland with them. I can almost see the daisies in her hair already.
I left her behind to get her the bloody herbs she wanted, hoping that I would be able to find anything at all in these lands. I was lucky. After a couple of minutes a faint scent of something like chamomile entered my nose. I ran towards the nearly dehydrated plant, thanking Eru and the Valar for saving my life. I looked at the plant. It wasn't chamomile. It was similar, looked almost the same, but had a side effect normal chamomile didn't have: it puts you to sleep if you boil and drink it. I thanked all deities I knew again for this pleasant surprise. I put the leaves of the plant in a bag that I had brought as fast as I could, then I headed back to Lady Death-glare.
'What took you so long?!' she asked when I returned.
'Well it's not like it's easy to find any living plant at all in a place like this' I replied, letting my annoyance through in my voice. I handed her the bag of "chamomile". She practically snatched it from my hands.
'They're not poisonous, are they?' she asked in a distrusting way. I grinned.
'They're just as poisonous as the bread and meat I prepared for you when Aragorn was still with us' instead of glaring at me she slowly stuck up her middle finger. Does that mean that there's improvement in the situation? She opened the bag to see what was inside.
'You bloody idiot!' she shouted. 'This is chamomile! I can't use this if I don't have any water to boil it with!' I shrugged.
'Not my problem'
~*~
I sat down in front of the fire I'd just made, at a safe distance from Miss I-make-even-Balrogs-look-nice. It was now the end of the day, and Elena was still mad at me for not getting her some water along with the herbs. I looked at her. She was sitting at the other side of the fire, happily humming some annoying tune, occasionally taking a bite of her bread. Suddenly she looked up and glared at me.
'What are you staring at?!'
'I uh... well, uhm... why should I justify my deeds to you?! You're my prisoner!'
'That doesn't give you the right to stare at me without a reason!'
'I have a reason!'
'OH YEAH?!!!'
'YEAH!!!'
'Then what is it?'
'I was wondering how in Manwë's name it's possible that you're too stupid to figure out that you could also use the water in your water skin to boil the chamomile' she glared at me.
'You're such an ass'
'Look who's talking' I fired back. She stood up and walked over to me. She raised her hand to slap me, but I was faster. I caught her wrist and glared at her. 'Don't even think about it' I hissed. She smiled sweetly, which meant that I had to be on my guard.
'Okay, you win. I give up. I won't slap you. Scout's honour'
'Swear it to something. Swear it to... swear it to your right to bathe!' Anger flashed onto her face.
'Fine' she hissed. 'I swear' I let go of her wrist. I should've known better. With an immense speed and force her foot crashed onto mine. I held back a scream and the urge to slap her myself. If it wasn't for the fact that I don't hit women... she grinned triumphantly. 'You said nothing about the use of my feet' she turned and walked to the horses. She started searching her pack, then took out her water skin, a small cup, the bag of chamomile and a small kettle to boil it in. Where did she get the cup and the kettle? Then she sat down in front of the fire again.
I decided to sit down as well, and sat down at the other side of the fire, at the safest distance from Elena. Safe's a relative term, certainly with Elena. MOST certainly with a PMS-ing Elena. PMS. Pissy Maiden Syndrome. With a (PMS-ing) Elena, a hundred miles probably wouldn't even be a safe distance. I must've seriously pissed off the Valar to deserve this...
After a while she was done making her tea. I observed her as she took a sip. She spat it out, pulling a face as if she'd just swallowed a piece of cheese covered in fungus (and several previously undiscovered species of bugs along with it).
'Oh my God!' This is just too gross! TOO GROSS!!!' she screamed. I snickered. She glared at me. 'You knew this would taste terrible, didn't you?'
'You never asked what it tastes like'
'You could've warned me!'
'Could've...'
'This tastes even worse that the chamomile-tea at home!' she shuddered at some distant memory. 'What kind of chamomile is this anyway?!'
'Chamomile from the Brown Lands' I replied dryly.
'Which means?' she asked. I didn't answer. She was PMS-ing and even more dangerous than usual. She'd kill me if I told her. 'Well?'
'It won't kill you. It just tastes horrible, that's all. It does make the pain go away' I answered, avoiding the rest of the truth. She carefully took another sip. She pulled a disgusted face, but took some more sips anyway. She let out a sigh of relief and lay down in the grass, stretching herself out. Good, if the chamomile kicks in now I won't have to worry about her for the next two days. Finally I'll get some peace. For ten minutes she didn't move, then she stirred and sat up straight. She looked at me and licked her lips. Uh-oh...
'Hey Legolas' she said, 'have I ever told you how extremely appealing and sexy you look in that tunic and legging of yours?' Father once told me never to trust a PMS-ing woman. I have the nasty feeling I'm about to find out why...
~*~ Elena's POV ~*~
I sat up and looked around, feeling a bit light in the head. My eye fell on Legolas. He sure looked good... I licked my lips.
'Hey Legolas. have I ever told you how extremely appealing and sexy you look in that tunic and legging of yours?' I asked him. He looked at me as if he suspected me of being the devil himself.
'No. Why?' he asked, still looking at me as if I was the incarnation of the devil (or Morgoth, or Sauron for that matter). I stood up and walked to him.
'Because I realized the truth should be said out loud for a change' I said as I sat down next to him. I looked into his eyes. He seemed... afraid...
~*~ Legolas' POV ~*~
'Don't be scared' she said whilst looking into my eyes. 'I won't hurt you' Yeah right. She ran her finger down my chest. This is not good. This is so not good. I tried to crawl backwards, but she caught my wrist. 'Stay. Handsome princes don't flee from damsels in distress'
'Is this damsel in distress then?' I asked, somewhere deep down knowing better.
'Yes, very much. And she needs a strong, handsome, intelligent, brave, noble, wise, admirable prince to rescue her... she needs someone like...' she paused for a moment. '...you' on second thought I can see advantages in the situation.
'Are there any other good qualities in the prince?' I asked.
'So many... he's gentle, caring, loving - and everybody loves him...'
'Go on...'
'Furthermore he has perfect table manners' -how would she know?!- 'he's very mighty, he has style, great sense of dressing, a voice like music, soft hands even when angry, but most of all he's...'
'He's...?' I asked. She leaned forward towards me.
'...extremely good at...' if this is going where I think it's going... uh- oh... she pushed me backwards and leaned over me. Yes it's going where I thought it to be going... help! She bent her head down. Get her off! Get her off! GET HER OFF!!! Her head lowered further. Her breath brushed over my lips. Her eyes were fixed on them, filled with... okay, now I know what pure lust looks like... suddenly the look in her eyes changed entirely. Just when you thought things couldn't get any worse...
~*~ Elena's POV ~*~
I lowered my head to kiss him. My mind was fixed on doing it, on finding out what he tastes like. I couldn't recall a single moment of my life that I had wanted him more than right now. My whole body wanted him, completely. And the desire gave me an incredible amount of strength. He was pinned under me, at my mercy. Well he doesn't have to worry. I won't hurt him much. With every millimetre that my lips came closer to his my heart started beating faster, and I wanted him even more than the brief moments before. The desire was maddening, I wanted him, NOW! I had hinted it, he had responded in his own way... just a few more millimetres...
OH MY FRIGGIN' GOD!!! What am I thinking?! What have I said?! WHAT THE BLEEDING HELL AM I BLOODY DOING?!!!
I pulled my head back as fast as I could when my common sense returned. I jumped up, ignoring the pain in my side for the moment. How did I...? What in the world had made me...? How could I possibly have wanted *him*?! Legolas, of all people!!! I BLOODY HATE HIM!!! Then what...? The chamomile!
'You liar! You disgusting animal! You filthy little orc!' I shouted. 'You perv-'
'Pardon?' he interrupted. 'A perverted person, me? It was YOU who bloody jumped me!'
'I didn't jump you!'
'Yes you did!'
'I did not! Besides, you gave me the chamomile!'
'Huh?'
'Don't play innocent on me! You knew perfectly well that the bloody herb would infect my behaviour like this!'
'By Telperion and Laurelin! If I had known it would've had this effect on you, I would've burned them! I would never have given them to you! It was only supposed to put you to sleep!'
'SO YOU KNEW IT WASN'T ORDINARY CHAMOMILE?!!!'
'I uh... well, uhm... maybe... maybe a little bit...' he stepped backwards in fright. The bloody @$$****!!!
'You know what you can do with that bloody chamomile of yours?!' I said as I picked up the still very full kettle of chamomile-tea from the fire. I cursed when I burned my hand on the thing. Still hot. Legolas snickered. 'You'll be sorry you did that, you freak!' I threw the kettle at Legolas. He jumped aside to avoid being hit, but seeing as the contents of the kettle came out during the flight, he couldn't prevent getting a good amount of hot tea all over him, including his *sensitive area*. He yelped in pain and sank to the ground. I hope he has some third degree burns. The jerk.
~*~ Legolas' POV ~*~
Let orcs torment me for countless hours, let Sauron have his Ring back, let Morgoth take over Middle-earth for all I care... anything but this! The hot water singed my skin everywhere, and Elena's cruelties just kept getting worse.
'You said quite different things a couple of minutes ago' I wailed.
'I take back everything I said at that moment. I did not listen to my common sense at the time, or did not have it at all for the moment. Had it been there, I wouldn't have told you those horrible lies'
'Well it sounded pretty complimenting...'
'You just proved my point'
~*~
I'm seriously beginning to think that somebody wants me dead. Some unknown foe, or maybe simply Elena, or maybe she was sent by clever orcs... no, ridiculous. Orcs like to torture people, but they prefer to do it themselves. Or maybe she's Morgoth in disguise... I know! I did something to piss off the Valar and now I'm being punished! That's gotta be it. Or maybe they just don't want me to have children. That would certainly explain why I've been hit down there twice already.
Note to self: bring Valar countless sacrifices and apologize to them a billion times to make the pain stop.
I hadn't rested all night. Not because I was in so much pain, in fact I felt little pain at all. Being an Elf does have advantages at times... like when you need to heal fast. The thing is, I hadn't rested because I didn't trust Elena at all anymore, not even when she was asleep. And although I can rest with open eyes and am still aware of this world, I felt better being entirely awake.
From the corner on my eye I could see Elena waking up. I pretended to be resting, folding my hands neatly over my chest before she saw me. She rubbed the sleep out of her eyes and stretched herself out. She looked around till her eyes fell on me. They rested there for a moment, then she looked at something else and stood up.
Making as little noise as she could with her noisy human feet she walked towards my pack, which stood not far from me. Careful as not to make any sounds she opened it and, softly humming that annoying tune again, she started searching through its contents. Okay, that's enough. I want to know what she's doing. I feigned to be waking up.
'What are you doing?' I asked her, getting up.
'Oh, I just wanted to know what kind of shampoo you use!' she squealed in delight.
'Shampoo?'
'The stuff you use to wash your hair with, remember?!'
'What do you mean?'
'Like I said it! What shampoo do you use to wash your hair with? Is it because you're worth it? Or do you simply have the urge to herbal? Or do you want kissable hair? Or maybe you just like it when it dances...'
'Come again?'
'Don't be such a bitch Elf-boy! Fess up! What do you use?!'
'Why would you want to know?!'
'Not for myself, but for the sake of millions of fan girls back home!'
'Fan-girls? What are they?'
'Your worst nightmare'
'So that would mean... millions of you...' I grinned. She glared at me.
'I should take you home and sell you off E-Bay. I'd make quite a lot of money on someone who's actually this worthless' she replied airily. I glared back at her. I have no idea whatsoever this E-Bay is, but whatever it is, coming from Elena's mouth it can only be an insult. 'So are you still gonna tell me what you use?'
'Why would I?'
'Because I'm asking you'
'You forgot to say the magic word' finally a chance to make *her* beg.
'You could also not be a selfish jerk and simply tell'
'How come it matters so much to you anyway?'
'Not to me, to others! Half my world is dying to know what you use! There are huge debates going on whether it's Herbal Essences or Head and Shoulders!'
'Well let them die. I'm not telling you'
~*~ Elena's POV ~*~
'You're such an insensitive bastard!' I shouted at the lame excuse for an Elven being. How is it that he can't see the importance of this matter? Every Legolas-fan girl in the world wishes to know! 'Too bloody selfish to even tell me which shampoo you use! No matter, I'll find out eventually, even if you don't tell me' I turned away from him and walked back to my sleeping spot. 'Oh and Legging-las' I said whilst walking, ' I hope all your hair falls out and never returns'
~*~ Legolas' POV ~*~
I sighed. Personally, I was getting tired of the constant quarrel, but knowing Elena, making up or even trying to be nice would be of no avail. She'd still want to kill me. Besides, making up would mean apologizing and there's no way that I'm gonna apologize to *her*. Also, I hate her. That means that there's no point in making up. She simply isn't worth it. Well, I still need something to get rid of all this energy I gained out of frustration. Maybe some sort of prank... I sighed again. I couldn't come up with anything for the moment, and in these forsaken lands I could get no material at all to pull a prank on her anyway. And I sure as hell ain't gonna use no more herbs. She only took a couple of sips last night, so the effect didn't last long. But imagine if she'd drunk all of it... it's too horrible to even think about... I let out a third sigh.
'What's the matter Legolas?' Elena asked worriedly. Elena? Worried? What's the catch?
'Nothing'
'You sighed three times'
'So?'
'Something's the matter. You can always turn to me if you have a problem...' she stood up, walked to me, sat down next to me and put her arm around my shoulder. 'Come on, throw it all out. You'll feel so much better!' Okay, I don't know which is scarier: Elena being the total bitch she usually is; or Elena being nice...
'I doubt it'
'Oh you self-centred imbecile!' she exclaimed, 'I'm trying to be nice! Forget it, you're not worth it! Not worth anything at all!' she jumped up, rubbing her arm as if she'd just touched something extremely filthy. She cooled down a bit. 'Okay. Forget about L'Oreal. If you're not worth it, you don't use it...' Huh?
~*~
It had been nearly noon before we rode off again. Thanks to that block- headed mortal, of course. Elena just continued nagging about everything; that she wanted to take a bath, that she was hungry, that I was the most annoying person in the world, that she wanted me to die... the usual. Fortunately I hadn't gotten any physical damage inflicted by her today, so all in all it wasn't even such a bad day. I've figured out one thing though. She's evil as can be. It's like this:
Elena = woman
Woman = time x money
Time = money, so...
Woman = money2
Money = root of evil, so...
Woman = (root of evil)2, which means that
Woman = evil, and because Elena is a woman, she is evil. This does mean that all women are evil though. In that case Elena is obviously the leader of them all. It's a conspiracy against me. The women want me to die because I look too good. That's it. Well, I'll just have to be on my guard then, and strike before she does. I grinned as a plan started taking shape in my head. Suddenly Elena started crying.
'Daro' I whispered to my horse. Melda slowed down, then he stopped. Elena followed my lead. 'What's wrong, Elena?' I asked demandingly, not at all appreciating the new delay. At this speed, it'll take us years to get to Rivendell.
'I miss my guinea pig!' she sniffed.
'Guinea pig?' What the hell is that?
'Well it's not like I have one, but I miss it anyway!' she went on crying. I sighed. What do you mean, mood swings? Even worse than anything else I've seen before.
'I'm sure he'll great you happily when you get back' I said in an effort to comfort in some way so she would stop crying and we could continue the journey again.
'OH YOU BRAIN-DEAD MORON!!! GUINEA PIGS CAN'T TALK!!! YOU ARE SUCH AN ASS!!!' she shouted at me. Well at least she stopped crying.
'Very nice. Now if you're done making your scene, we can continue our journey' I replied, resulting in her sending me yet another glare.
~*~ Elena's POV ~*~
Eight days since PMS started, and thank God it had stopped again. PMS-ing without anything to make the pain stop is not exactly nice. I looked at the dark line I saw at the horizon. The southern eaves of Mirwood, and we would reach them somewhere tomorrow morning. I had no idea what to expect of it, and to be honest, the thought of entering the forest somewhat scares me. After the orc-attack I've had just about enough adventure I could stand, enough to last me a lifetime.
Having read both the Hobbit and the trilogy about forty times in total I knew all too well that the forest was full of orcs, giant spiders and other creatures I don't even want to know of. Not to mention Legolas... also, the thought of having to come in a range of one hundred miles from Dol Guldur wasn't exactly very comforting either, not even now when Sauron and the Nazgûl had been driven out for years. Why oh why did I ask for adventure? Me and my big mouth...
'We'll set up our camp here' Legolas announced.
'Why here? Why not some other place?'
'In these lands it doesn't matter where we make our camp, this spot is just as dehydrated as any other'
'But I wanna bathe!'
'Tough luck, there's no water here. Besides, you wanted the detour yourself'
'I hate you so much'
'Yeah, same to you too'
'I'm glad that we're going into the forest tomorrow, there it'll be too dark to see your arrogant face'
'Sorry? We're not going into the forest tomorrow. There's no good road for our horses here. We'll have to go up to the Old Forest Road before there'll be any proper paths. That's a thirteen days ride from here' Legolas replied. What?! We have to go *around* the bloody forest for two weeks before we enter it?! Two more weeks without much water in these dreaded lands?! Tell me it's not real... where's the nurse when you need her?
'AND YOU TELL ME THIS NOW?!!!' I shouted. 'WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SO SOONER?!!!' he shrugged.
'You didn't ask'
'Oh! You... you... you stupid, stupid... ELF-BOY!!!' I yelled, at a total loss of other insults.
'Filthy human' he replied. Okay, that's it. I've had it with the jerk. First he won't let me bathe, then he allows me to bathe but there isn't enough water. AND NOW HE HAS THE NERVES TO CALL ME A FILTHY HUMAN?!!!
'Go manicure your nails!' I shouted as I threw my dagger at him. He dodged it.
'Missed me' he said arrogantly. Exactly at that moment my pack hit him in the face and he fell off his horse.
'Did I?'
~*~ Legolas' POV ~*~
I waited till Elena was sleeping soundly, then I quietly got up. After she'd thrown her dagger at me today, she hadn't gotten it back, but it was time to put the first part of my plan to action. With Mirkwood only a few miles away it should be fairly easy. I mounted Melda and rode towards the forest, knowing that Elena would be safe where she was. Not a single living creature was stupid enough to go into the Brown Lands, so unless she got a heart attack she would still be alive when I get back.
As a Wood-elf I have quite some knowledge of plants, so this should be easy. Once I reached the forest I dismounted, and with my Elven eyes it wasn't hard to find what I was looking for, not even in total darkness. I picked all the berries I could find, along with some other essential plants, and then I quickly rode back. Elena was still asleep. Good.
I mixed the ingredients I had brought until I had the right result. Careful as not to wake her, I spread the substance over her hair, making sure that I didn't miss a single spot. Then I put back every single item that could make her suspicious and went back to my 'bed'. It was only a matter of time now before she would wake up and found that her hair had gone from chestnut to a colourful ensemble. Permanently.
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E/N: Well, this was nearly three times as long as the previous chapter, so I hope you enjoyed it. I'm gonna go to bed now, seeing as it is after midnight and I have school tomorrow. Am hoping for pretty reviews or constructive criticism, flames will be given to my dear Mini-Balrog Boromir, or to Denethor.
Love, peace and a paperclip
-xxx- Elvea
PS: I want to start a diary at livejournal.com, but I don't know anyone that can give me a code. If you know where to get me one, please let me know. Thanks! Oh, also, I'm bored. Feel free to talk to me over MSN. Ciao!
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Oasisrocker: Glad you liked Legolas' response (and of course his pride). Well, this chapter sure was a whole lot longer, so I guess I hope you find it worth waiting for all that time. (You'd think that if you're ill for two weeks you'll update sooner but no, had other updates to do first). Did you like Legolas' lines in this chapter? I hope you did. I may seem a bit proud of this story, but I can't help it, I have LBES (Legolas' Big Ego Syndrome). It's contagious. Well anyway, see you, love, Elvea.
Arwen Greenleaf: |:o) Thanks for the compliment! I hope you didn't hurt yourself when you fell out of your chair, that'd make me feel so lousy. Just wait for Elena's revenge in the next chapter, I already started on it and I'm sure it'll make you laugh even more than when she attacked him. Well, see you!
ElvenPickle: Don't worry about being blunt. I'm the queen of bluntness so I shouldn't comment. Oh well. They also say I'm queen of bitches (you have to be bitchy to write a story like this). I find it a compliment. Thanks for the compliment on my knowledge, I always found myself knowing rather little. I have a photographic memory and have only read the books twice, but I don't have much faith in my memory seeing as I'm also queen of chaotic people. Hope you liked the chapter. I visited eviloverlord.com. Great website, really funny! Do you have more funny links? I'll be glad to hear! BTW I passed the list on to Endomiel as well, seeing as she is the Goddess of Evil. (I'm the Goddess of all Good, just in case you didn't know or forgot. Ah well). And you are right. Evil laughter does help against stress! Bye!
lil' odd me: Well, I update both fics now, so I hope it makes you happy. And yes you will stay in Highschool, you're a part of my plot now. Happy? Good. *yawns* I'm so tired (and still ill), also, I'm frikkin' hungry. Still can't eat. How are you? Hope your tests went well and all. Passing on to the next reviewer now, so the usual hugs and stuff. -xxx- Elvea.
Lady Eowyn: Thanks for your nice review! I really enjoyed it! I must have read it ten times already because I find it so funny. I'm glad that you seem to enjoy this story so much. Unfortunately I couldn't put berry juice in Legolas' shampoo because he was already going to do it to her, but her revenge will be even better. The idea of Legolas with purple hair made me laugh for fifteen minutes straight though, so thanks. Don't worry about leaving long reviews, those are the best! Also, Bormir says hi to you and Fred. I like your poems! Oh and let me know when you upload your new story! What's it about? Sorry, am very curious person. Love, Elvea.
?: Heh. Nice review, even though very short. For all I know you could be Orlando himself, seeing the word you use, but according to Endomiel he hates computers so it isn't very likely. Anyway, thanks for reviewing!
ithinkineedanewname: Did I leave you in suspense long? I hope I didn't. what am I saying, I know damn well that this update took way too long. Shame on me. Well, I did my best to make this chapter long and funny, so I hope I succeeded in getting laughs out of you. *yawns again* I shouldn't be doing this at three in the morning. Hugs and all, Elvea.
Black Pearl: True, dynamite is better for school destruction, but harder to get. Also it is a very nice building so it would be such a pity if it were destroyed. Killing my mathematics teacher instead will help making me feel better though ;). Elena did hurt Legolas in the groin again, but not by kicking. She is so gonna take revenge on him for everything he did, don't worry. See you, Elvea.
LBFREAK: Another really funny review!!! Legolas with a perm, the idea alone is too much. Fell off my chair laughing when I got that image. But I don't see him killing himself very soon. Sooner he'd kill Elena. Oh well, he'll suffer more than enough before I'm done with this story. Or maybe not, we are talking Legolas here... hmmm... love, Elvea.
melinzie: You're tortured with Latin too? Poor you. Quoque sum insanius et amo Frodo Elijahque. Hope you can translate that. I'm in my fourth year first level so I sometimes expect too much of other people who know Latin. But this should be easy. Glad you like my story. Love, peace, hugs and a pile of paperclips (very handy items, those paperclips), Elvea.
Yavanna: I thanked my kid sister. She said "you're welcome" so now you should be in mortal fear seeing as my sister is the most annoying person in the world, but she does have some nice ideas sometimes. It's so good to hear people say that they enjoy the Legolas-mocking even when he is a favorite, and I'm glad you like the way you wrote him. Gotta go now, kisses and hugs and such, Elvea.
Jazz: Sorry about the cliffhanger. I felt like having one, and also I felt that I had to update again. Cool to hear you've followed it all along and still enjoy it. I'm also glad to hear that you like the quotes, I sometimes doubted if people even read them. I hope you like the fragment from Moria, it's one of my favorite passages (guess why). Who needs me to mock Legolas when he already makes an idiot of himself? I mean, chasing the sun and thinking that Hobbits can grow wings isn't exactly what I call "brilliant". I'm surprised to hear that you like my version of Legolas though, the average response I got on him was "asshole" until your review. Everyone likes Elena though. There is no attraction between them, not that I know of anyway. I killed the PlotBunnies just to be safe. The whole idea was to make them hate each other for all eternity. Well, I kept writing, thanks for your nice review! Lots of love, peace and paperclips, Elvea.
WinterRose: Thanks for reviewing, here's your chapter. Hope you don't hate me for taking so long. Ugh. I'm tired. I know, doesn't have anything to do with this at all, but no matter, I say it anyway =P. well, I really have to cut it off now, my test week starts tomorrow and I can't afford to fuck up geology. I hope you still enjoy this. Goodnight with greets, hugs and other such things from me.
E/N: Okay, I know, this took me ages. I'm sorry. I meant to update sooner, but *someone* (glares at Endomiel and several other people, of which some are random) made me update other fics first. Seeing as I had to fill about 35 pages, that took a while. Therefore I'm gonna write an extra long chapter this time, as long as you don't shoot me. (Shoot my mathematics teacher! He's perfect for target practice! Really!) Well, I'll just get to writing then...
Love, peace and a paperclip,
-xxx- Elvea
Disclaimer: I do not own anything that New Line Cinema or Tolkien Enterprises already owns *sobs* and I am not gaining any other profit out of writing this than (positive) reviews and a good laugh when I think of a new cruel way to annoy Legolas. So there.
This chapter is dedicated to all the lovely readers and reviewers I currently have on this story. Thank you all so much for reading this story, and for not flaming me to hell simply because of the idea for the story alone, which is basically what I'd expected to happen. Thank you for making it turn out so different. I hope you'll all enjoy this.
"But the king (A/N: Thranduil), when he received the prayers of Bard, had pity, for he was the lord of a good and kindly people..." (the Hobbit, by J.R.R. Tolkien, chapter 14; Fire and Water)
"Legolas turned and set an arrow to the string, though it was a long shot for his small bow. He drew, but his hand fell, and the arrow slipped to the ground. He gave a cry of dismay and fear (A/N: MOMMY!!!). Two great trolls appeared (...). But it was not the trolls that had filled the Elf with terror. The ranks of orcs had opened, and they crowded away, as if they themselves were afraid. Something was coming up behind them. What it was could not be seen: it was like a great shadow, in the middle of which was a dark form, of man-shape maybe, yet greater; and a power and terror seemed to be in it and to go before it. (...) in its left hand it held a whip of many thongs.
'Ai! Ai!' wailed Legolas. 'A Balrog! A Balrog is come!' " (the Fellowship of the Ring, by J.R.R. Tolkien, book 2 - chapter 5; The Bridge of Khazad- Dûm)
"In the waybread of the Elves he (A/N: Legolas) found all the sustenance that he needed, and he could sleep, if sleep it could be called by Men, resting his mind in the strange paths of elvish dreams, even as he walked open-eyed in the light of this world." (the Two Towers, by J.R.R. Tolkien, book 3 - chapter 2; The Riders of Rohan)
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Chapter 4 - Pissy Maiden Syndrome
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~*~ Elena's POV ~*~
I gasped as I felt the orc's dagger sink deep into my side. I'M GOING TO DIE!!! The cry rang through my mind as I sank to the ground. Just before I was overtaken by the darkness, I could see Legolas letting out a fierce cry and he attacked the remainder of orcs, then everything turned black.
Was I dead? I didn't know. All I knew was the darkness around me, and the deathlike silence that accompanied it. Death-like. What a stupid term to use when you're not even sure if you're still alive or not. There seemed to be no end to the darkness. Just when I realized that I had to be dead, I could hear faint whispers in the distance.
'Hello?! Is anyone there?!' I called out into the darkness. It was of no avail. Even as the words left my mouth, they died down again. Died down. Death. Dead. But am I dead?
I heard more whispers in the distance. I tried to run towards the source of the sound, but I found myself unable to move. I looked down. More darkness, not even the slightest indication of where I could be. Heaven? Hell? Well, then it sure is annoying. And I didn't seem to have a body anymore. More whispers in the distance. I tried to focus on the sound. Whispers in a language I didn't know. Wait a minute... if you can hear, that means that you have to have a body of some kind, right? Or do ghosts have a normal hearing-ability too?
So what does this mean? That I'm not dead, but in a coma or something? Or does it mean that this is some kind of afterlife?
The whispers became louder, and after a while a clear voice was speaking to me, but even though the voice sounded familiar, I couldn't quite place it, nor did I understand the words.
A bright light -oh how cliché- appeared in the far distance, growing as it approached. Drawing nearer to me I could make out a human shape in the light. Was an angel come to take me to heaven?
'Elena, lasto beth nin. Tolo dan nan aurë' the voice came again, and it seemed to come from the angel. The words seemed familiar, I had heard them somewhere else, but my memory was blurred and I just couldn't figure it out.
'Elena, listen to my voice. Return to the light of day' the angel said in words I could understand.
'How?' I asked.
'Tolo dan nan galad. Return to the light' the angel said. Now that's a great help. Return to the light. Easy for him to say, he *is* the light... I AM SUCH A MORON!!! It's so obvious! Return to the light. The angel is the light.
I stepped forward -why is it that I *can* move now, but couldn't move half a minute ago?!- and took the angel's hand.
~*~ Legolas' POV ~*~
I closed my eyes for a moment when Elena reached out and took my hand. After I had slain the remaining orcs I had ran over to her and had found her alive, but barely breathing. All that time, words spoken not long ago ran through my mind.
"Hmmm... this might not even be such a bad idea after all. With a little luck I'll lose her on the way, or she'll freeze to death, or maybe she'll get eaten by wargs, or slain by orcs...'
'Well I'm sure that won't happen Master Elf, because she has a very respectable, wise, noble, mighty and invincible prince with her to protect her from danger until she gets home..."
Invincible and wise... but only when I didn't let my personal feelings get in the way of a person's life. Only if nobody died I would be truly invincible. Now I understood what Aragorn had meant.
I had laid Elena down and had removed the dagger carefully. Then I had quickly investigated the wound. It was deep, but far on the side of her body -she must have turned herself aside in a reflex- and had not hit any vital organs thanks to that. Then I had tended the wound to stop the bleed, and when that was done I tried to reach her in the darkness of her mind, and had tried to get her out of it. That's when she grabbed my hand, a sign that she was regaining conscience, despite the amount of blood she had lost.
She opened her eyes. They grew wide when she noticed how close my face was to hers, even wider when she noticed her lack of tunic and that I was leaning over her.
'GET YOUR FILTHY HANDS OFF ME YOU DAMN DIRTY ELF!!!' she screamed with an amazingly strong voice, and then pushed me away with a strength you also wouldn't expect from someone as badly injured as she was. I got up.
'Elena, listen...' I said, 'this is not what it looks like, I-'
'So you're saying that I should just lay here half-naked finding your face half an inch away from mine, and believe you when you say that it's not what it looks like?!' she shouted furiously as she jumped up. She winced in pain and grabbed for her side. I walked to her to help her, but she hit my stretched-out arm away in anger.
'Yes! I mean, no! I mean-'
'This is disgusting do you realize that?! I nearly get killed by orcs and you decide that it's fun-time for you! You-'
'Like I'd want *you*' I replied angrily. How dare she accuse me of such a thing?! She glared at me, then kicked my shin hard. She winced in pain again and sank to the ground, clutching her side.
'Asshole' she hissed.
'Stop doing those things! You were bleeding to death and I tended your wound, but if you keep moving like that it's gonna start bleeding again!'
'Why did you help me if you hate me so much anyway?! Wasn't it exactly what you wanted, me getting killed?!'
'The only one with the right to kill you, is me! If you die on this journey, it will only be BY MY HANDS!!! Besides, I could never show my face to Aragorn and Arwen again if I can't even protect a prisoner from a small band of orcs'
'But when you were done you thought "hey, might as well have a little fun to relax from all the worries!" so you decided to rape me' she replied icily, sending me a cold glance from where she sat. The cold of her glance made me shudder for a moment. 'You disgust me so much. I'm so glad the angel came to rescue me before you could do anything!'
'What angel?!'
'The creature of light, you idiot!'
'That's what I'm trying to tell you! It was me! I brought you back!'
'What?!'
'It was me!'
'Liar! Explain why my tunic is missing!'
'Well it's kind of hard to take care of a wound in the chest if I don't take the thing off, don't you think?! If you want it, it's right over there!' I pointed at the tunic that was lying pretty much right next to her. She glared at me, then put it on as fast as she could without her wound causing her too much pain. 'You cold at least thank me for saving your life!' I said.
'WHY DON'T YOU JUST WALK TO MORDOR?!!!' she shouted.
'Been there, done that...' I replied softly and truthfully, but she had heard it. (A/N: Legolas went as far as the Black Gate, but that still counts as Mordor) She let out a furious cry and kicked a tree-trunk to get rid of her anger.
~*~ Elena's POV ~*~
I cried in pain as I kicked the tree, I felt pain with every move I made all thanks to that stupid orc. Stupid Legolas, he can't even heal me properly. Really, he's such a pain! Literally! And how could I have been so stupid?! An angel, yeah right. An Elf. And then the words I didn't understand right away... simple Elvish. Hello! I speak all Elvish known on Earth fluently! I've read every book about Middle-earth at least 10 times just to learn the Elvish! And this was literally in the movie too! God I feel like such an idiot.
I kicked the tree again and grasped at my side right away as the pain shot through my entire body. I sank to the ground, breathing heavily.
'I told you, if you keep doing that, your wound will start bleeding again' Legolas said.
'Like you care'
'Fine! Bleed to death! See if I care!'
'Fine!'
'Fine!'
~*~
It was now ten days since the attack of the orcs, and six days since we crossed the Anduin at the South Undeep. We were now riding through the Brown Lands, as Elf-boy had told me. As if I didn't know that. I know my topography of Middle-earth perfectly, including Beleriand and Númenor. Hell, I knew even a part of the map of Valinor. Okay, so they're the only maps I can read, at least I can be sure not to get lost in this stupid world. Except maybe when I'm in the middle of Mirkwood on my own, or get kidnapped and blindfolded, or when I'm taken so far south that it's not on the map anymore... anyway, I know where we are.
The name of these lands made perfect sense if you only looked around. The landscape consisted of wide stretched out plains, scattered all over the slopes these lands contained. The plains were full of dehydrated plants, or simply remainders of other things, as if a great fire had gone all over the lands not long ago. By my knowledge of the books, though, that fire was here thousands of years ago, caused by Sauron in his first wars on Middle- earth. The look of these lands, and the knowledge that Sauron had caused this made me think of Mordor all the more; a barren wasteland.
Every once in a while there was a small grove, but all the trees were dead, ghastly remainders of what had once been beautiful trees. In all these lands water was scarce, and drinkable water even harder to find. Also, there were no paths at all, it seemed that not a single human being (or Elven, or Dwarfish or Hobbit or whatever) had travelled through these parts for centuries. Great, now we're also playing explorer. In all the days that we had ridden through these parts I hadn't seen a single living creature except for Elf-boy and our horses.
I am glad to say that we found my horse back after the attack of the orcs, which means that I don't have to sit right behind Elf-boy on his horse. There is a God! Woohoo! The idiot naming himself Legolas had in the meantime decided to allow me to take baths in nearby streams and pools. Apparently he finds it amusing to allow me such things when there's hardly any water to find. Trust me, you will NOT like Middle-earth if ever you get there, and I'm *still* waiting for that nurse with my medication.
Legolas gestured for me to halt and we stopped our horses for a short break. As I dismounted I felt the pain going through me again, that damn wound refused to heal faster. And if you thought things couldn't get worse, you were wrong. I also had a major pain in the stomach and was in a particularly bad mood because I had discovered half an hour ago that certain laws of nature had decided to also work in this stupid world, which resulted in me PMS-ing at the worst possible time.
And I'm not even going to bother to ask Legolas for tampons or anything, because he probably hasn't heard of that anyway. Nor did I ask for any aspirin, and I certainly didn't ask for chocolate, because the most sacred invention ever has not been invented here in Middle-earth. Somebody is soooooo going to die! I swear, Middle-earth is hell. Makes you wonder if Sauron secretly took over the world anyway.
I grabbed my pack to get my water skin out. My eyes fell on the pieces of cloth Arwen had given me before I left Minas Tirith. So that's what they're for... bless Arwen and her foreseeing eye. Maybe she'd put in some painkilling herbs or something in here as well, I mean, she's an Elf, she knows all about those things... I hope. It took me half a minute to find out I was wrong. No herbs. Crap.
'We'll be leaving in a minute' Legolas said. Hey... Elf-boy could fetch me some herbs... okay, this asks for a subtle approach.
'Legolas' I said in a voice so sweet that you'd spontaneously get holes in your teeth had you heard it, 'fetch me some herbs or I'll kill you'
'No. I don't have time for useless things like that'
'I want my painkilling herbs!'
'No'
'Get me herbs. Now!'
~*~ Legolas' POV ~*~
Before I knew what was happening, Elena jumped me, causing me to fall backwards and land underneath her. She started choking me. Now this is what I call scary; a severely wounded mortal girl, managing to catch me off guard and pinning me to the ground! Moreover, she was busy killing me, or trying to do so anyway. The look in her eyes told me it was serious. She looked so angry that it made an angry Balrog look like a cute pet. Getting a pet Balrog might not even be a bad idea when all this is done. I mean, I had to suppress the urge to scream in terror, I was not going to make a fool out of myself like I'd done years ago in Moria.
'Okay! I'll get you your precious herbs!' I forced the words out of my throat. She let go immediately and calmly sat down next to me. I gasped for air. She started humming some tune, looking very pleased, and not at all with her mind in this world. Give her some flowers and she'll make a garland with them. I can almost see the daisies in her hair already.
I left her behind to get her the bloody herbs she wanted, hoping that I would be able to find anything at all in these lands. I was lucky. After a couple of minutes a faint scent of something like chamomile entered my nose. I ran towards the nearly dehydrated plant, thanking Eru and the Valar for saving my life. I looked at the plant. It wasn't chamomile. It was similar, looked almost the same, but had a side effect normal chamomile didn't have: it puts you to sleep if you boil and drink it. I thanked all deities I knew again for this pleasant surprise. I put the leaves of the plant in a bag that I had brought as fast as I could, then I headed back to Lady Death-glare.
'What took you so long?!' she asked when I returned.
'Well it's not like it's easy to find any living plant at all in a place like this' I replied, letting my annoyance through in my voice. I handed her the bag of "chamomile". She practically snatched it from my hands.
'They're not poisonous, are they?' she asked in a distrusting way. I grinned.
'They're just as poisonous as the bread and meat I prepared for you when Aragorn was still with us' instead of glaring at me she slowly stuck up her middle finger. Does that mean that there's improvement in the situation? She opened the bag to see what was inside.
'You bloody idiot!' she shouted. 'This is chamomile! I can't use this if I don't have any water to boil it with!' I shrugged.
'Not my problem'
~*~
I sat down in front of the fire I'd just made, at a safe distance from Miss I-make-even-Balrogs-look-nice. It was now the end of the day, and Elena was still mad at me for not getting her some water along with the herbs. I looked at her. She was sitting at the other side of the fire, happily humming some annoying tune, occasionally taking a bite of her bread. Suddenly she looked up and glared at me.
'What are you staring at?!'
'I uh... well, uhm... why should I justify my deeds to you?! You're my prisoner!'
'That doesn't give you the right to stare at me without a reason!'
'I have a reason!'
'OH YEAH?!!!'
'YEAH!!!'
'Then what is it?'
'I was wondering how in Manwë's name it's possible that you're too stupid to figure out that you could also use the water in your water skin to boil the chamomile' she glared at me.
'You're such an ass'
'Look who's talking' I fired back. She stood up and walked over to me. She raised her hand to slap me, but I was faster. I caught her wrist and glared at her. 'Don't even think about it' I hissed. She smiled sweetly, which meant that I had to be on my guard.
'Okay, you win. I give up. I won't slap you. Scout's honour'
'Swear it to something. Swear it to... swear it to your right to bathe!' Anger flashed onto her face.
'Fine' she hissed. 'I swear' I let go of her wrist. I should've known better. With an immense speed and force her foot crashed onto mine. I held back a scream and the urge to slap her myself. If it wasn't for the fact that I don't hit women... she grinned triumphantly. 'You said nothing about the use of my feet' she turned and walked to the horses. She started searching her pack, then took out her water skin, a small cup, the bag of chamomile and a small kettle to boil it in. Where did she get the cup and the kettle? Then she sat down in front of the fire again.
I decided to sit down as well, and sat down at the other side of the fire, at the safest distance from Elena. Safe's a relative term, certainly with Elena. MOST certainly with a PMS-ing Elena. PMS. Pissy Maiden Syndrome. With a (PMS-ing) Elena, a hundred miles probably wouldn't even be a safe distance. I must've seriously pissed off the Valar to deserve this...
After a while she was done making her tea. I observed her as she took a sip. She spat it out, pulling a face as if she'd just swallowed a piece of cheese covered in fungus (and several previously undiscovered species of bugs along with it).
'Oh my God!' This is just too gross! TOO GROSS!!!' she screamed. I snickered. She glared at me. 'You knew this would taste terrible, didn't you?'
'You never asked what it tastes like'
'You could've warned me!'
'Could've...'
'This tastes even worse that the chamomile-tea at home!' she shuddered at some distant memory. 'What kind of chamomile is this anyway?!'
'Chamomile from the Brown Lands' I replied dryly.
'Which means?' she asked. I didn't answer. She was PMS-ing and even more dangerous than usual. She'd kill me if I told her. 'Well?'
'It won't kill you. It just tastes horrible, that's all. It does make the pain go away' I answered, avoiding the rest of the truth. She carefully took another sip. She pulled a disgusted face, but took some more sips anyway. She let out a sigh of relief and lay down in the grass, stretching herself out. Good, if the chamomile kicks in now I won't have to worry about her for the next two days. Finally I'll get some peace. For ten minutes she didn't move, then she stirred and sat up straight. She looked at me and licked her lips. Uh-oh...
'Hey Legolas' she said, 'have I ever told you how extremely appealing and sexy you look in that tunic and legging of yours?' Father once told me never to trust a PMS-ing woman. I have the nasty feeling I'm about to find out why...
~*~ Elena's POV ~*~
I sat up and looked around, feeling a bit light in the head. My eye fell on Legolas. He sure looked good... I licked my lips.
'Hey Legolas. have I ever told you how extremely appealing and sexy you look in that tunic and legging of yours?' I asked him. He looked at me as if he suspected me of being the devil himself.
'No. Why?' he asked, still looking at me as if I was the incarnation of the devil (or Morgoth, or Sauron for that matter). I stood up and walked to him.
'Because I realized the truth should be said out loud for a change' I said as I sat down next to him. I looked into his eyes. He seemed... afraid...
~*~ Legolas' POV ~*~
'Don't be scared' she said whilst looking into my eyes. 'I won't hurt you' Yeah right. She ran her finger down my chest. This is not good. This is so not good. I tried to crawl backwards, but she caught my wrist. 'Stay. Handsome princes don't flee from damsels in distress'
'Is this damsel in distress then?' I asked, somewhere deep down knowing better.
'Yes, very much. And she needs a strong, handsome, intelligent, brave, noble, wise, admirable prince to rescue her... she needs someone like...' she paused for a moment. '...you' on second thought I can see advantages in the situation.
'Are there any other good qualities in the prince?' I asked.
'So many... he's gentle, caring, loving - and everybody loves him...'
'Go on...'
'Furthermore he has perfect table manners' -how would she know?!- 'he's very mighty, he has style, great sense of dressing, a voice like music, soft hands even when angry, but most of all he's...'
'He's...?' I asked. She leaned forward towards me.
'...extremely good at...' if this is going where I think it's going... uh- oh... she pushed me backwards and leaned over me. Yes it's going where I thought it to be going... help! She bent her head down. Get her off! Get her off! GET HER OFF!!! Her head lowered further. Her breath brushed over my lips. Her eyes were fixed on them, filled with... okay, now I know what pure lust looks like... suddenly the look in her eyes changed entirely. Just when you thought things couldn't get any worse...
~*~ Elena's POV ~*~
I lowered my head to kiss him. My mind was fixed on doing it, on finding out what he tastes like. I couldn't recall a single moment of my life that I had wanted him more than right now. My whole body wanted him, completely. And the desire gave me an incredible amount of strength. He was pinned under me, at my mercy. Well he doesn't have to worry. I won't hurt him much. With every millimetre that my lips came closer to his my heart started beating faster, and I wanted him even more than the brief moments before. The desire was maddening, I wanted him, NOW! I had hinted it, he had responded in his own way... just a few more millimetres...
OH MY FRIGGIN' GOD!!! What am I thinking?! What have I said?! WHAT THE BLEEDING HELL AM I BLOODY DOING?!!!
I pulled my head back as fast as I could when my common sense returned. I jumped up, ignoring the pain in my side for the moment. How did I...? What in the world had made me...? How could I possibly have wanted *him*?! Legolas, of all people!!! I BLOODY HATE HIM!!! Then what...? The chamomile!
'You liar! You disgusting animal! You filthy little orc!' I shouted. 'You perv-'
'Pardon?' he interrupted. 'A perverted person, me? It was YOU who bloody jumped me!'
'I didn't jump you!'
'Yes you did!'
'I did not! Besides, you gave me the chamomile!'
'Huh?'
'Don't play innocent on me! You knew perfectly well that the bloody herb would infect my behaviour like this!'
'By Telperion and Laurelin! If I had known it would've had this effect on you, I would've burned them! I would never have given them to you! It was only supposed to put you to sleep!'
'SO YOU KNEW IT WASN'T ORDINARY CHAMOMILE?!!!'
'I uh... well, uhm... maybe... maybe a little bit...' he stepped backwards in fright. The bloody @$$****!!!
'You know what you can do with that bloody chamomile of yours?!' I said as I picked up the still very full kettle of chamomile-tea from the fire. I cursed when I burned my hand on the thing. Still hot. Legolas snickered. 'You'll be sorry you did that, you freak!' I threw the kettle at Legolas. He jumped aside to avoid being hit, but seeing as the contents of the kettle came out during the flight, he couldn't prevent getting a good amount of hot tea all over him, including his *sensitive area*. He yelped in pain and sank to the ground. I hope he has some third degree burns. The jerk.
~*~ Legolas' POV ~*~
Let orcs torment me for countless hours, let Sauron have his Ring back, let Morgoth take over Middle-earth for all I care... anything but this! The hot water singed my skin everywhere, and Elena's cruelties just kept getting worse.
'You said quite different things a couple of minutes ago' I wailed.
'I take back everything I said at that moment. I did not listen to my common sense at the time, or did not have it at all for the moment. Had it been there, I wouldn't have told you those horrible lies'
'Well it sounded pretty complimenting...'
'You just proved my point'
~*~
I'm seriously beginning to think that somebody wants me dead. Some unknown foe, or maybe simply Elena, or maybe she was sent by clever orcs... no, ridiculous. Orcs like to torture people, but they prefer to do it themselves. Or maybe she's Morgoth in disguise... I know! I did something to piss off the Valar and now I'm being punished! That's gotta be it. Or maybe they just don't want me to have children. That would certainly explain why I've been hit down there twice already.
Note to self: bring Valar countless sacrifices and apologize to them a billion times to make the pain stop.
I hadn't rested all night. Not because I was in so much pain, in fact I felt little pain at all. Being an Elf does have advantages at times... like when you need to heal fast. The thing is, I hadn't rested because I didn't trust Elena at all anymore, not even when she was asleep. And although I can rest with open eyes and am still aware of this world, I felt better being entirely awake.
From the corner on my eye I could see Elena waking up. I pretended to be resting, folding my hands neatly over my chest before she saw me. She rubbed the sleep out of her eyes and stretched herself out. She looked around till her eyes fell on me. They rested there for a moment, then she looked at something else and stood up.
Making as little noise as she could with her noisy human feet she walked towards my pack, which stood not far from me. Careful as not to make any sounds she opened it and, softly humming that annoying tune again, she started searching through its contents. Okay, that's enough. I want to know what she's doing. I feigned to be waking up.
'What are you doing?' I asked her, getting up.
'Oh, I just wanted to know what kind of shampoo you use!' she squealed in delight.
'Shampoo?'
'The stuff you use to wash your hair with, remember?!'
'What do you mean?'
'Like I said it! What shampoo do you use to wash your hair with? Is it because you're worth it? Or do you simply have the urge to herbal? Or do you want kissable hair? Or maybe you just like it when it dances...'
'Come again?'
'Don't be such a bitch Elf-boy! Fess up! What do you use?!'
'Why would you want to know?!'
'Not for myself, but for the sake of millions of fan girls back home!'
'Fan-girls? What are they?'
'Your worst nightmare'
'So that would mean... millions of you...' I grinned. She glared at me.
'I should take you home and sell you off E-Bay. I'd make quite a lot of money on someone who's actually this worthless' she replied airily. I glared back at her. I have no idea whatsoever this E-Bay is, but whatever it is, coming from Elena's mouth it can only be an insult. 'So are you still gonna tell me what you use?'
'Why would I?'
'Because I'm asking you'
'You forgot to say the magic word' finally a chance to make *her* beg.
'You could also not be a selfish jerk and simply tell'
'How come it matters so much to you anyway?'
'Not to me, to others! Half my world is dying to know what you use! There are huge debates going on whether it's Herbal Essences or Head and Shoulders!'
'Well let them die. I'm not telling you'
~*~ Elena's POV ~*~
'You're such an insensitive bastard!' I shouted at the lame excuse for an Elven being. How is it that he can't see the importance of this matter? Every Legolas-fan girl in the world wishes to know! 'Too bloody selfish to even tell me which shampoo you use! No matter, I'll find out eventually, even if you don't tell me' I turned away from him and walked back to my sleeping spot. 'Oh and Legging-las' I said whilst walking, ' I hope all your hair falls out and never returns'
~*~ Legolas' POV ~*~
I sighed. Personally, I was getting tired of the constant quarrel, but knowing Elena, making up or even trying to be nice would be of no avail. She'd still want to kill me. Besides, making up would mean apologizing and there's no way that I'm gonna apologize to *her*. Also, I hate her. That means that there's no point in making up. She simply isn't worth it. Well, I still need something to get rid of all this energy I gained out of frustration. Maybe some sort of prank... I sighed again. I couldn't come up with anything for the moment, and in these forsaken lands I could get no material at all to pull a prank on her anyway. And I sure as hell ain't gonna use no more herbs. She only took a couple of sips last night, so the effect didn't last long. But imagine if she'd drunk all of it... it's too horrible to even think about... I let out a third sigh.
'What's the matter Legolas?' Elena asked worriedly. Elena? Worried? What's the catch?
'Nothing'
'You sighed three times'
'So?'
'Something's the matter. You can always turn to me if you have a problem...' she stood up, walked to me, sat down next to me and put her arm around my shoulder. 'Come on, throw it all out. You'll feel so much better!' Okay, I don't know which is scarier: Elena being the total bitch she usually is; or Elena being nice...
'I doubt it'
'Oh you self-centred imbecile!' she exclaimed, 'I'm trying to be nice! Forget it, you're not worth it! Not worth anything at all!' she jumped up, rubbing her arm as if she'd just touched something extremely filthy. She cooled down a bit. 'Okay. Forget about L'Oreal. If you're not worth it, you don't use it...' Huh?
~*~
It had been nearly noon before we rode off again. Thanks to that block- headed mortal, of course. Elena just continued nagging about everything; that she wanted to take a bath, that she was hungry, that I was the most annoying person in the world, that she wanted me to die... the usual. Fortunately I hadn't gotten any physical damage inflicted by her today, so all in all it wasn't even such a bad day. I've figured out one thing though. She's evil as can be. It's like this:
Elena = woman
Woman = time x money
Time = money, so...
Woman = money2
Money = root of evil, so...
Woman = (root of evil)2, which means that
Woman = evil, and because Elena is a woman, she is evil. This does mean that all women are evil though. In that case Elena is obviously the leader of them all. It's a conspiracy against me. The women want me to die because I look too good. That's it. Well, I'll just have to be on my guard then, and strike before she does. I grinned as a plan started taking shape in my head. Suddenly Elena started crying.
'Daro' I whispered to my horse. Melda slowed down, then he stopped. Elena followed my lead. 'What's wrong, Elena?' I asked demandingly, not at all appreciating the new delay. At this speed, it'll take us years to get to Rivendell.
'I miss my guinea pig!' she sniffed.
'Guinea pig?' What the hell is that?
'Well it's not like I have one, but I miss it anyway!' she went on crying. I sighed. What do you mean, mood swings? Even worse than anything else I've seen before.
'I'm sure he'll great you happily when you get back' I said in an effort to comfort in some way so she would stop crying and we could continue the journey again.
'OH YOU BRAIN-DEAD MORON!!! GUINEA PIGS CAN'T TALK!!! YOU ARE SUCH AN ASS!!!' she shouted at me. Well at least she stopped crying.
'Very nice. Now if you're done making your scene, we can continue our journey' I replied, resulting in her sending me yet another glare.
~*~ Elena's POV ~*~
Eight days since PMS started, and thank God it had stopped again. PMS-ing without anything to make the pain stop is not exactly nice. I looked at the dark line I saw at the horizon. The southern eaves of Mirwood, and we would reach them somewhere tomorrow morning. I had no idea what to expect of it, and to be honest, the thought of entering the forest somewhat scares me. After the orc-attack I've had just about enough adventure I could stand, enough to last me a lifetime.
Having read both the Hobbit and the trilogy about forty times in total I knew all too well that the forest was full of orcs, giant spiders and other creatures I don't even want to know of. Not to mention Legolas... also, the thought of having to come in a range of one hundred miles from Dol Guldur wasn't exactly very comforting either, not even now when Sauron and the Nazgûl had been driven out for years. Why oh why did I ask for adventure? Me and my big mouth...
'We'll set up our camp here' Legolas announced.
'Why here? Why not some other place?'
'In these lands it doesn't matter where we make our camp, this spot is just as dehydrated as any other'
'But I wanna bathe!'
'Tough luck, there's no water here. Besides, you wanted the detour yourself'
'I hate you so much'
'Yeah, same to you too'
'I'm glad that we're going into the forest tomorrow, there it'll be too dark to see your arrogant face'
'Sorry? We're not going into the forest tomorrow. There's no good road for our horses here. We'll have to go up to the Old Forest Road before there'll be any proper paths. That's a thirteen days ride from here' Legolas replied. What?! We have to go *around* the bloody forest for two weeks before we enter it?! Two more weeks without much water in these dreaded lands?! Tell me it's not real... where's the nurse when you need her?
'AND YOU TELL ME THIS NOW?!!!' I shouted. 'WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SO SOONER?!!!' he shrugged.
'You didn't ask'
'Oh! You... you... you stupid, stupid... ELF-BOY!!!' I yelled, at a total loss of other insults.
'Filthy human' he replied. Okay, that's it. I've had it with the jerk. First he won't let me bathe, then he allows me to bathe but there isn't enough water. AND NOW HE HAS THE NERVES TO CALL ME A FILTHY HUMAN?!!!
'Go manicure your nails!' I shouted as I threw my dagger at him. He dodged it.
'Missed me' he said arrogantly. Exactly at that moment my pack hit him in the face and he fell off his horse.
'Did I?'
~*~ Legolas' POV ~*~
I waited till Elena was sleeping soundly, then I quietly got up. After she'd thrown her dagger at me today, she hadn't gotten it back, but it was time to put the first part of my plan to action. With Mirkwood only a few miles away it should be fairly easy. I mounted Melda and rode towards the forest, knowing that Elena would be safe where she was. Not a single living creature was stupid enough to go into the Brown Lands, so unless she got a heart attack she would still be alive when I get back.
As a Wood-elf I have quite some knowledge of plants, so this should be easy. Once I reached the forest I dismounted, and with my Elven eyes it wasn't hard to find what I was looking for, not even in total darkness. I picked all the berries I could find, along with some other essential plants, and then I quickly rode back. Elena was still asleep. Good.
I mixed the ingredients I had brought until I had the right result. Careful as not to wake her, I spread the substance over her hair, making sure that I didn't miss a single spot. Then I put back every single item that could make her suspicious and went back to my 'bed'. It was only a matter of time now before she would wake up and found that her hair had gone from chestnut to a colourful ensemble. Permanently.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* ~*~
E/N: Well, this was nearly three times as long as the previous chapter, so I hope you enjoyed it. I'm gonna go to bed now, seeing as it is after midnight and I have school tomorrow. Am hoping for pretty reviews or constructive criticism, flames will be given to my dear Mini-Balrog Boromir, or to Denethor.
Love, peace and a paperclip
-xxx- Elvea
PS: I want to start a diary at livejournal.com, but I don't know anyone that can give me a code. If you know where to get me one, please let me know. Thanks! Oh, also, I'm bored. Feel free to talk to me over MSN. Ciao!
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Oasisrocker: Glad you liked Legolas' response (and of course his pride). Well, this chapter sure was a whole lot longer, so I guess I hope you find it worth waiting for all that time. (You'd think that if you're ill for two weeks you'll update sooner but no, had other updates to do first). Did you like Legolas' lines in this chapter? I hope you did. I may seem a bit proud of this story, but I can't help it, I have LBES (Legolas' Big Ego Syndrome). It's contagious. Well anyway, see you, love, Elvea.
Arwen Greenleaf: |:o) Thanks for the compliment! I hope you didn't hurt yourself when you fell out of your chair, that'd make me feel so lousy. Just wait for Elena's revenge in the next chapter, I already started on it and I'm sure it'll make you laugh even more than when she attacked him. Well, see you!
ElvenPickle: Don't worry about being blunt. I'm the queen of bluntness so I shouldn't comment. Oh well. They also say I'm queen of bitches (you have to be bitchy to write a story like this). I find it a compliment. Thanks for the compliment on my knowledge, I always found myself knowing rather little. I have a photographic memory and have only read the books twice, but I don't have much faith in my memory seeing as I'm also queen of chaotic people. Hope you liked the chapter. I visited eviloverlord.com. Great website, really funny! Do you have more funny links? I'll be glad to hear! BTW I passed the list on to Endomiel as well, seeing as she is the Goddess of Evil. (I'm the Goddess of all Good, just in case you didn't know or forgot. Ah well). And you are right. Evil laughter does help against stress! Bye!
lil' odd me: Well, I update both fics now, so I hope it makes you happy. And yes you will stay in Highschool, you're a part of my plot now. Happy? Good. *yawns* I'm so tired (and still ill), also, I'm frikkin' hungry. Still can't eat. How are you? Hope your tests went well and all. Passing on to the next reviewer now, so the usual hugs and stuff. -xxx- Elvea.
Lady Eowyn: Thanks for your nice review! I really enjoyed it! I must have read it ten times already because I find it so funny. I'm glad that you seem to enjoy this story so much. Unfortunately I couldn't put berry juice in Legolas' shampoo because he was already going to do it to her, but her revenge will be even better. The idea of Legolas with purple hair made me laugh for fifteen minutes straight though, so thanks. Don't worry about leaving long reviews, those are the best! Also, Bormir says hi to you and Fred. I like your poems! Oh and let me know when you upload your new story! What's it about? Sorry, am very curious person. Love, Elvea.
?: Heh. Nice review, even though very short. For all I know you could be Orlando himself, seeing the word you use, but according to Endomiel he hates computers so it isn't very likely. Anyway, thanks for reviewing!
ithinkineedanewname: Did I leave you in suspense long? I hope I didn't. what am I saying, I know damn well that this update took way too long. Shame on me. Well, I did my best to make this chapter long and funny, so I hope I succeeded in getting laughs out of you. *yawns again* I shouldn't be doing this at three in the morning. Hugs and all, Elvea.
Black Pearl: True, dynamite is better for school destruction, but harder to get. Also it is a very nice building so it would be such a pity if it were destroyed. Killing my mathematics teacher instead will help making me feel better though ;). Elena did hurt Legolas in the groin again, but not by kicking. She is so gonna take revenge on him for everything he did, don't worry. See you, Elvea.
LBFREAK: Another really funny review!!! Legolas with a perm, the idea alone is too much. Fell off my chair laughing when I got that image. But I don't see him killing himself very soon. Sooner he'd kill Elena. Oh well, he'll suffer more than enough before I'm done with this story. Or maybe not, we are talking Legolas here... hmmm... love, Elvea.
melinzie: You're tortured with Latin too? Poor you. Quoque sum insanius et amo Frodo Elijahque. Hope you can translate that. I'm in my fourth year first level so I sometimes expect too much of other people who know Latin. But this should be easy. Glad you like my story. Love, peace, hugs and a pile of paperclips (very handy items, those paperclips), Elvea.
Yavanna: I thanked my kid sister. She said "you're welcome" so now you should be in mortal fear seeing as my sister is the most annoying person in the world, but she does have some nice ideas sometimes. It's so good to hear people say that they enjoy the Legolas-mocking even when he is a favorite, and I'm glad you like the way you wrote him. Gotta go now, kisses and hugs and such, Elvea.
Jazz: Sorry about the cliffhanger. I felt like having one, and also I felt that I had to update again. Cool to hear you've followed it all along and still enjoy it. I'm also glad to hear that you like the quotes, I sometimes doubted if people even read them. I hope you like the fragment from Moria, it's one of my favorite passages (guess why). Who needs me to mock Legolas when he already makes an idiot of himself? I mean, chasing the sun and thinking that Hobbits can grow wings isn't exactly what I call "brilliant". I'm surprised to hear that you like my version of Legolas though, the average response I got on him was "asshole" until your review. Everyone likes Elena though. There is no attraction between them, not that I know of anyway. I killed the PlotBunnies just to be safe. The whole idea was to make them hate each other for all eternity. Well, I kept writing, thanks for your nice review! Lots of love, peace and paperclips, Elvea.
WinterRose: Thanks for reviewing, here's your chapter. Hope you don't hate me for taking so long. Ugh. I'm tired. I know, doesn't have anything to do with this at all, but no matter, I say it anyway =P. well, I really have to cut it off now, my test week starts tomorrow and I can't afford to fuck up geology. I hope you still enjoy this. Goodnight with greets, hugs and other such things from me.