IOHITF - WARNING!!! Contains Legolas-mocking!!!
E/N: Okay, finally decided to update again, considering the fact that my email got bombed with threats and such, and since my evil mastermind came up with several evil plans to make Legolas suffer some more. But first, an IMPORTANT NOTE: I've had requests for Legolas-Elena romance. I'd like to remind you that the whole idea was not to make them fall in love. I have, however, considered it and spoken to my beta about it. The problem is, I have already figured the plot out, and I don't know how to make Legomance with Elena fit in. My beta and I agree that there should be romance in some way, but whether that will be Legolas or not is still very uncertain. I ask your patience and understanding for this, and I do hope that you won't kill me for my final decision. Thanks for listening (or actually, reading),
Love, peace and a paperclip (very useful items, those paperclips),
-xxx- Elvea
PS: To clear up some confusion... Elena is not me, I am not her. She's simply an OC.
Disclaimer: I do not own anything that New Line Cinema or Tolkien Enterprises already owns *sobs* and I am not gaining any other profit out of writing this than (positive) reviews and a good laugh when I think of a new cruel way to annoy Legolas. So there.
This chapter is dedicated to Michael, because he got me the idea of Legolas's "formula" on why Elena is evil. The formula was his idea, and he kindly allowed me to borrow it for my story. So a big thank you to Michael, along with the honor of being named and recognized by my readers. He deserves applause!!! Also dedicated to Suzi, who helped me with the idea of Elena's vengeance.
WARNING: This chapter contains some rather violent use of language!
" 'Ash nazg durbatulûk, ash nazg gimbatul, ash nazg thrakatulûk agh burzum- ishi krimpatul.'
The change in the wizard's voice was astounding. Suddenly it became menacing, powerful, harsh as stone. A shadow seemed to pass over the high sun, and the porch for a moment grew dark. All trembled, and the Elves stopped their ears." (the Fellowship of the Ring, by J.R.R. Tolkien, book 2 - chapter 2; The Council of Elrond)
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Chapter 5 - Legolas's ordeal
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~*~ Legolas's POV ~*~
I watched Anor rise in the East. Within an hour or so She would rise high enough to warm the world and illuminate it fully. That also meant that Elena would wake up somewhere about an hour from now. I glanced sideways at her. Hadn't I known better I'd say she was dead, but she's just a tight sleeper, which was certainly an advantage for me, seeing as it helped me get my vengeance.
I got up from where I lay and walked to Melda. He was also still asleep, and from experience I knew that it wasn't safe to wake him up, unless you have a death wish. I'd been living of lembas the last two weeks, and to be honest the waybread was starting to get stuck in my throat. In other words: I was getting sick and tired of it. But no longer, for the forest was near, which meant that I could go hunting for food again. After Melda wakes up, that is. I got my pack and sat down, searching through its contents. It didn't take me long to find what I was looking for: my hairbrush and mirror. I put the items on top of the other things and closed my pack again.
The next hour I spent thinking about my plan, and the longer I thought about it, the more it seemed to be a bad idea. With Elena you could never be sure how she would respond, and a thing like this just might be enough reason for her to make sure that you have no longer a good reason to call yourself a member of male society. I was in serious trouble, but there was no way back now. The best thing to do was simply to go through with my plan.
A yawn behind me notified me that Elena was waking up. I took a deep breath. Showtime. As I turned to face my doom also known as Elena, she started her morning ritual. Stretching her limbs, yawning, glaring at me, laying back down, rolling over, glaring at me again, yawning again... nothing special. Then she sat up.
'What, Elf?' she said.
'Nothing... I was just thinking-'
'And of course you seldom do that so you thought you'd warn me...' I suppressed my urge to glare. Instead I turned around and sat down. 'Hey Legolas...'
'What?'
'Do you think I have weird hair?' she asked. I swallowed, but didn't turn my head. Had she seen her hair yet? Was she plotting against me somehow? For the love of Eärendil! Listen to that! I am no coward! In fact, I don't think she's seen it. I didn't hear a deafening scream yet. This actually comes in really handy...
'No, of course not. But if you want to borrow my hairbrush and mirror...'
'You brought a mirror too?' she asked disbelievingly.
'Uh, yeah...'
'Well, I suppose it couldn't hurt...' she answered. I am so dead. Why oh why did I ever even consider this... this... SUICIDE!!! 'Hello? Middle- earth to Elfie... are you still going to give me that prissy mirror thing of yours?' I could hear she was impatient. I'd probably be best off giving her the items now, before her mood got worse. Because if it was already very bad, she would be even more painfully lethal than she'd be anyway. Seeing as I don't want to suffer too much, this is the only option. It's a good thing that Elves return from death or I'd be in serious trouble... still... I got the mirror and the brush, then handed them to her, making sure she didn't see herself right away.
'Here you go'
'Thanks... sort of... I guess...' she took the items from me. Inconspicuously I backed a bit away, wanting to be at a safe distance from her, but on the other hand also wanting to see the look on her face when she discovered what had happened to her hair.
She brought the brush to her hair -so silly, everybody knows that you shouldn't brush your hair when you've got curls; it ruins them! Humans... - and held up the mirror. Her face turned pale and her mouth slowly opened. Her eyes nearly bulged out of her head. She blinked a couple of times, hoping, of course, that it wasn't real. I tried not to grin, but it was quite hard not to do so. That's when realization struck her.
'YOU JERK! YOU UNBELIEVABLY EVIL BASTARD! YOU COMPLETELY INCOMPOTENT SON OF A BITCH!!!' she flung the mirror at me, but I ducked. 'YOU LAMEST OF LAME EXCUSES FOR AN ELF! YOU SADISTIC ASSHOLE...'
~*~ Elena's POV ~*~
Somebody is going to die. Somebody who has millions of fan girls at home (a clear piece of evidence that love is blind). Somebody that acts so gay-like that it makes Jack from Will and Grace look positively masculine. Somebody with such an annoyingly arrogant face. Somebody who happens to be a prince with frustratingly perfect hair and who has fucked up mine until the colors have grown out, IF they even grow out. That somebody goes by the name of Legolas Greenleaf.
I had been living seven days with this obscenely ridiculous excuse for hair, or rather its color. Colors. Damned Elf. We'd ridden northward in that time, just outside of the forest. All that time I hadn't exchanged a single word with him. No, not a single word at all. Instead, I had been plotting his demise. He would pay, and dearly. Screw Gandhi, Legolas will not get away with this. The problem was, I had no idea how to get him back. Sure, in the fanfic it's easy. The chic simply cuts his hair off in vengeance. Yeah right, like that's ever gonna happen in real life. No, that only happens in the fanfic. I mean, be real. He is way too strong for me, so I can't hold him at daytime and do it. Then there's the fact that he sleeps with his eyes open and knows about all that goes on. No way you could achieve such a thing, unless you're some all-powerful wizard or witch, neither of which applies to me. In other words: life sucks.
I looked around. The late afternoon sun sent its last rays of light over the tops of the trees, causing them to cast long shadows eastward, and making the forest seem even darker. A ray of light reflected on the bowl of water in front of me, it broke into little specters showing little rainbows on the sides of the bowl, surrounding the seemingly orange surface of the water. The colors annoyed me. They reminded me of my hair, especially the violet of the specters. I grabbed the bowl and cast it away in frustration. Those specters weren't even supposed to be there! Water in a bowl doesn't break light like that! Legolas snickered. Of course, the stupid Elf with his stupid magic, who else? Even more annoying than the Elf himself was the sunlight coming from behind him. The light made his golden hair shine as if it was a waterfall of gold, and, seeing as he had the pale skin, ironically enough he looked like a bloody saint.
'Scheveningen' I said.
'What did you say?'
'You heard me Scheveningen'
'You're flaming me in your own language, aren't you?'
'Maybe I am, maybe I'm not... you'll never find out...' all he did was shrug, then he got up and took off his tunic, leaving that silly silver- like prissy shirt thing on. So it was that time again. He would bathe somewhere in a forest stream nearby and leave me with that aggressive horse of his. Yeah, you heard me, aggressive. I'd tried to run away a couple of days ago in a flash of insanity when Legolas was also away. Never again! My butt still hurts.
Legolas got a small bag from his pack, the mysterious bag he always took with him, and then he left. Well, maybe not all that mysterious... but you know, it's not like they have toothbrushes in Middle-earth. right? Or do they? I sighed. That Elf had the tendency to stay away for ages, leaving me to collect firewood from nearby places, in the meantime guarded by his evil killer horse of hell. Typically him to make me do all the work. All he did was shoot harmless little bunny rabbits and such. Stupid Elf.
I got up and started throwing some branches on a heap, in the meantime it was getting darker. I had to hurry, or I wouldn't be able to see what I was setting on fire. As the sun sank a little lower, something caught my eye. A small plant was taking its final dose of sunlight for the day, all alone and not far from me; barely outside the forest. A ray of light forced its way through the treetops of the forest, making it seem as if the plant was a light source of its own... almost as if it was a gift of heaven. Halleluiah. I walked to the plant, and grinned. It really was a gift. It was one of those bur-plants, with those irritating burs that get stuck in your hair and never come out without you losing hair.
A grin crept up my face again, wider than the previous and probably evil as could be. The link was easily made. Legolas. Proud. Vengeance. His hair. This plant... bye-bye annoyingly perfect hair of Legolas... but it would only work if I played it smart. Now how could I get these things in his hair... it would be fun if he did the damage himself somehow... a brilliant plan practically floated into my mind. I picked as much burs as I could, careful so as not to get them stuck on my clothes or in my own hair. When I really couldn't carry any more burs, I went back as fast as I could and walked to his tunic. He felt safe, he felt secure enough to think it was safe to leave his tunic here instead of keeping it on till he got to wherever he went, supposing that I didn't form any threat, that I couldn't use his tunic as a weapon anyway. But I could. Hell yeah, I could.
A movement from the forest startled me. I spun around to see what it was. A small creature was sitting in the shadow of the forest, a squirrel of some kind, pitch-black, but with almost radiant blue eyes. A chill went down my spine, those eyes went right through me, I almost believed that the creature knew everything about me. I blinked, it was gone. I turned back to the task at hand; it had to be done before Legolas returned. I knelt down and lay the burs down beside me. Carefully I started putting them inside his tunic, in various places so that when he pulled it over his head, they'd get all over his hair. I knew from experience that this would work, a little too well even. Cross as I had been with him for doing it to me, I'm gonna thank Jason if I ever get home.
When I had put all the burs in the tunic it was already dark. I tried to make a fire, but it didn't really go very well. I was still trying to get the fire burning when Legolas returned. He put the MSB (Mysterious Small Bag) back in his pack, then absentmindedly picked up his tunic and pulled it over his head. He let out a rather girly yelp as he felt the burs attacking his hair (and, possibly, his face). I nearly fell backwards when his head came out of the tunic, but managed to hold back my laughter. He had this look of pure rage in his eyes, his upper lip was trembling with anger, his face was red of fury, but the best part was the state of his hair, or should I say, what was left of it.
The burs were stuck in his hair, causing huge tangles. By pulling the tunic over his head and back, Legolas had only made it worse, which meant that there wasn't a single hair not attached to a bur. One of the burs was hanging somewhat in his ear, but he was too angry to even notice. It looked ridiculous. In blind rage Legolas tried to pull the burs out of his hair, but it was useless. Instead of getting out of his hair, the burs only attached more. When Legolas finally gave up, his hair had transformed from -once- tangle free, long and straight to frizzy with burs decorated afro- style. This did it; I lost control and started laughing. Legolas looking Afro was just too much.
'So you think this is funny' poison dripped from Legolas's words.
'An eye for an eye Elf-boy... or actually... a hair for a hair!' I laughed. I was rolling on the floor now, unable to stop, tears running down my face. Even without looking at him, I knew he was glaring at me, stretching and bending his fingers as if to get ready for a fight. I still continued laughing.
'This isn't over yet' Legolas said after a while. I sat back up and wiped some tears away, gasping for air. I haven't laughed this hard since Jason and I- never mind, maybe some other time. I watched Legolas as he drew one of his knives, not even once glancing in my direction. He looked at the knife in his hands, turned it around a couple of times, as if thinking about something. He almost put it back, but changed his mind. He took a deep breath and raised the knife a bit. His hand stopped, but then doubtingly went up higher. His other hand grabbed for his hair, forcefully pulling it down a bit. He brought the knife to his hair, stopped, and took another deep breath. He swallowed, then determinedly started cutting it off.
~*~
'Is that the Old Forest Road?' I looked at, what once had been, a broad road made of some kind of strange-looking bricks, almost completely overgrown with trees and plants of which scientists at home probably have never even heard of. Two days ago we'd run into the River Running (or Celduin, as Elf-boy calls it) and since then I had enjoyed the pleasure of taking daily baths with Legolas nowhere near me. That his evil killer horse from hell guarded me couldn't spoil the fun.
'What's left of it' Legolas said with a sneer. I looked at him. It was now six days since he had cut off his hair, which meant that he had had short hair for six days now. Short hair, or actually, spikes. Yes, spikes. Even though the thought alone still seemed ridiculous to me, Legolas had made gel from plants and used it for his hair. I recalled something my history- teacher once told me, about the Scottish people having some kind of gel too all the way back when the Roman Empire was at its glory-days. Their gel was so tough in fact, that they could spear an apple on their spikes. But still, the thought of gel in Middle-earth was slightly distressing.
This wasn't my worst problem though. Not even getting home somehow, or staying alive until we reached Rivendell was a big problem anymore. No, the problem was that I was beginning to find Legolas with spikes disturbingly attractive. Physically, that is. And being physically attracted to your arch-nemesis is not a good thing, AT ALL! Thank God he didn't know, that would mean only more suffering. I slept badly because of this problem. Thoughts haunted me about that evening when I was PMS-ing. What if I'd drunk more of that tea? What if the effect had been stronger? What if it wasn't really the tea that had made me do it? OH NO!!! DEAR ERU, NO!!! I'm sticking to my theory: somebody up there seriously hates me.
'So are we going to enter the bloody forest now?' I asked.
'No'
'What?! Why not?'
'For starters, this road is almost impossible. Even if we were to take it, it'd prove a lot of trouble because this road is not protected by magic, and that means that we're taking the chance of getting attacked by spiders' Legolas made a nice little summary. I mock-mouthed his words as he was speaking. The stupid Elf was continuously thinking of more detours. Bloody sadist.
'So where are we going then?'
'The Long Lake, and from there on to the halls of my father. I haven't seen him or my other relatives in years, and I'd like to have some decent company for a change' I ignored his insult and sighed.
'How long will that take?'
'From here to my father? Roughly six days, if we aren't delayed somehow' he glanced at me. I glared at him.
'Like I'd deliberately make this journey with you even longer! I wish this whole thing could've been done in two days instead of two months. I'd rather spend this time being tormented by orcs than to be stuck with you'
'Then at least at one point we agree'
~*~
It was still the same day, but now evening, and we'd made camp a couple of miles north of the Old Forest Road, in the forest. We were forced to go through it to get to the Long Lake, unless we were willing to take another detour of a week or so. Luckily this part of the forest wasn't all that dark (though still darker than anything I could recall from home), and the trees were at an acceptable distance from each other. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that Celduin flowed through this part of the forest. Neh.
I looked around. The small fire Legolas had made illuminated only those things in a range of roughly ten meters; out of that circle the darkness of the forest consumed all light. A chill ran down my spine, it was so silent... even the fire didn't seem to make no sounds. The trees ominously loomed up around me like tall, dark creatures of shadow. Huorns... no, not in Mirkwood. Silly bint. A twig snapped somewhere behind me. I screamed and jumped up, nearly falling over as I spun around.
Legolas was standing at the edge of light and darkness, and in the faint light I couldn't be sure whether or not he was smirking. He probably was. He caused the sudden noise, Elves usually don't make a sound. Their stupid sensitive ears probably couldn't bear the noise otherwise or something similarly silly. Just like at the Council of Elrond, they went all prissy about their moronic pointy ears simply because Gandalf uttered a bit of Black Speech. Honestly.
I got another idea of getting even with Legolas for the prank he'd pulled this time.
'I'm glad you're back' I smiled sweetly. 'I just thought of a poem I want you to hear...'
He sighed, then glared at me. 'I hope for your sake that it doesn't involve the word "hair"...'
'Oh, don't worry, I promise it doesn't have anything to do with hair in any way'
'But then again, a promise coming from you isn't very trustworthy'
'I always keep my word. I just manage to find the back door every time' I grinned.
'Get the bloody poem over with' Legolas took a step in my direction, as if to warn me.
'Ash nazg durbatulûk, ash nazg gimbatul, ash nazg thrakatulûk agh burzum- ishi krimpatul' I whispered. I don't know how, but as if by magic my voice turned abominable, threatening, harsh... every word I said came out as a menacing hiss. Horrified by the words I spoke, as I spoke them, Legolas sank to the forest floor, covering his ears and squirming in pain, closing his eyes. When I stopped speaking, he let out a sigh of relief and opened his eyes, then removed his hands from his ears. He furiously looked at me -a look of pure hate- and opened his mouth to speak. I was faster.
'That wasn't nice of you at all' I pouted my lip in mockery. 'You didn't even hear what I said... now I have to say it again...' his eyes widened. 'Ash nazg durbatulûk...' I started. Legolas cried in pain and covered his ears again. I walked to him, grabbed his hands and pulled them away. 'You're not being polite Legsie... just listen... ash nazg gimbatul, ash nazg-' suddenly Legolas leaped up, causing me to lose balance. In that one lousy second, things had turned one hundred and eighty degrees. It was me on the floor now and him holding my wrists tightly. He looked at me loathingly.
'You've just proven what I suspected all along, you disgrace to the race of Men! You are no more than a disgusting little orc, a vile creature, barely even worthy of being slain, simply a nuisance nobody should waste their time on' he said in disdain. I glared at him.
'Ash nazg thrakatulûk agh burzum-ishi krimpatul!' I screamed, finishing my phrase. Legolas cried out and let go of my wrists to cover his ears. I took advantage of the moment and jumped up, then took a safe distance from him and sat down again, whistling softly to myself. 'I'm not an orc Legging- las, I just speak some foreign languages. I'd be careful with what you say if I were you. I understand more than you think' he didn't reply.
'A tiro nin, Fanuilos' he whispered to himself instead.
~*~ Legolas's POV ~*~
Why me? It was the only thing I could come up with. Why oh why did I, of all people in this world, have to get stuck with Elena? And this new name for me... Legsie... horrible! Just when you think you are safe she pulls a new surprise from her sleeve. So she speaks Black Speech... but that's impossible! How can she know a language from this world if she isn't from this world?! There's just something not right about her... a lot of things, actually. But what was she hiding, and, more important; what was she up to now? Maybe she thought I didn't notice in the darkness of the forest, but I had noticed her glancing at me an amount of times that was far from healthy. She'd continuously done this ever since we entered the forest two days ago. Maybe she was doing it on purpose, hoping that I'd notice and go crazy wondering what she was up to, just like I was doing right now. That's probably what she's up to. Yeah, that's gotta be it. Good thing we're nearing the end of the forest, then she'll probably stop it. I only have to keep my sanity for an hour. How hard can it be?
~*~
I will never ask such a question again. It's asking for trouble. I think she can read my mind, or guess my thoughts at any rate. Almost directly after I asked myself that one question, she'd sent me another one of *those* glances. It had been slightly longer than usual, and it had seemed to be lusty, even thought I couldn't be sure in the dimness of the forest. Anyway, I had leaped up a bit from Melda, and as if the Valar were playing along with Elena's game, there was a branch right above my head. Needless to say I fell off Melda. Ever since then I had been plotting vengeance. It didn't take long for me, genius as I am, to think of something.
We'll get to the edge of the forest in a couple of minutes, and then it won't be long before we get to the Long Lake. Not more than a day anyway. East of it, around the Forest River, as you may or may not know, is quite swampy and nearly impossible to gallop through; resulting in having to go steady the first couple of miles unless you wished to fall off. The best way to ride through the region is to ride near the bank of the river, where no swamp-plants grow and your horse can't get stuck. Could circumstances be more perfect?
~*~ Elena's POV ~*~
I shuddered. We had left the forest yesterday and were now at the Long Lake, near the old Lake Town. It was as if a shadow hung over the lake, or at least a part of it. A feeling of dread crept into my veins and spread itself out. I knew what had happened here once, nearly a century ago. Smaug. My horse felt it too; it was as if he shuddered with every step he took, knowing that the spot was cursed. A chill wind made the grass rustle, then it died down and all was silent again, not even the horses' hooves could be heard. I had the strangest feeling of déjà-vu. This place was drenched with evil, and the fear in me grew with every breath I took.
I looked at the lake. The water seemed to be pitch-black here, and fog seemed to cover part of the town. The shallows of the town still remained, and so did the bridge that led to the town, but only partly; for the shore- side of the bridge had been ruined. Of the town itself was practically nothing left. Here and there I could see parts of it, now and then stood half a wall of one of the houses, nothing more. Slowly the fog lifted, and the sunlight that now came through reflected on countless jewels that lay scattered about the town. I stopped my horse, as if hypnotized I had to watch. The fog lifted further, and slowly a shape amongst the ruins became visible. It was the shape of a huge creature, lying twisted on its back, but it did not move. The stench of the dragon-carcass lying rotting on the town entered my nose, a sickening scent that pierced everything. Still I kept looking; the jewels on the carcass glimmering in the late afternoon sun were breath-takingly beautiful. Not that I wanted to breathe, the air was terrible here. I held my breath as the last bit of fog cleared up and everything was revealed before me. The ruins of the town, the jewels falling from Smaug's dreaded bones... and Smaug himself, or rather; his remainders. He seemed too big to fit in one image. Smaug the Magnificent. My eyes traced up from the huge tail, to the belly, the chest, the neck and finally the skull. I screamed.
Smaug's head lay turned in my direction, his dead eyes looking at me; a devilish grin was or seemed to be spread out over his jaws. As I looked at him, the head lifted, the carcass stirred and Smaug rolled his gigantic body around. He stood up, spread out his wings with a roar and rose from the ruins. As a vision from a nightmare he came flying towards me, setting all the land about me on fire. His jaws parted once again and in a dive he reached me, his jaws closed with a snap around me.
'Elena, are you alright?' I gasped and turned to Legolas, blinking.
'Uh, yeah, I- I'm fine...' I stuttered. I looked back at the lake. Smaug was still in his place, not having moved even a single inch. I didn't dare to look at his skull.
'You looked at his head, didn't you?'
'Maybe...'
'Fool! Never look a creature of Morgoth in the eyes, not even when dead. Not all of their malice dies with them, and the spot where they die is forever accursed! We will leave at once, let this be a lesson for you'
~*~ Legolas's POV ~*~
Elena was riding close behind me, not knowing the way. She was visibly uncomfortable; the look on her face was clearly readable. She was still thinking about the incident with the dragon yesterday. I didn't know what she'd seen, but it must've been frightening, for she hadn't spoken a single word since then. We were now nearing the end of the marshland and the edge of the forest, the border of my father's realm. Ever so often she'd let out a frustrated cry when another mosquito bit her, and then she would glare at me. Anything better than *those* glances. After the umpteenth glare I put my plan to action. I only had to whisper a single word and Elena's horse started galloping. Not counting on this sudden change the girl screamed, but couldn't keep her balance long and only moments after I'd whispered the word she lay in one of the swamp's many, many pools. I called her horse back and stopped Melda right beside her. I looked down on her.
'I heard that mud baths are good for your skin'
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E/N: Well, that's all folks! I hope you enjoyed this, let me know what you think of it! Oh and everybody, read my essay on Glorfindel! Yeah, I'm going now,
Love, peace and a paperclip,
-xxx- Elvea
PS: Bormir the mini-Balrog is insulted that he's not in my story... sigh...
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mwpp-lover: You reviewed just in time to make it into this chapter! Congrats! I hope you enjoyed the fast update (for you that is, the others had to wait ages *sigh*). Well, Legolas wasn't really angry in this chapter, but I'm sure that his ways of taking bengeance were enough for now. Next chapter will be quite long, because they're staying in Mirkwood for a while. I'm sure Elena will have plenty occasions to get Legsie-dear pissed. Well, got to go, still have to upload! Buh-bye!
ola: |:o) you like the bickering! I hope you enjoyed Elena's vengeance. It was kinda hard to write, the images sometimes really got to me. That's why it took so long *sigh*. I need to get these updates more frequent. Damn school.
Kittenwithclaws: Well, she didn't castrate him, but it got close. Imagine Elena flaming Legolas for hours, non-stop. *shudders* I'm glad I wasn't there. I think, personally, I'd rather have Smaug. Less dangerous. Besides, Smaug won't ruin my precious hair. Or maybe he will, by burning it... hmmm... that needs some considering. Bormir waves hi. He's giving you some hugs too. I'm giving you ointments against the burn.
Summer Rose: Hate-love thing? More like a hate-hate thing. Your review scared me. I wrote this with the intention to keep them away from romance. And what do you ask for? Yes, that's right! Shame, shame... shame on you. Nah, just kidding. You'll have to wait for my final decision though, and because you and most of my readers are mortal I'll try to hurry with the next chap. (Can't promise anything, it seems school interferes every time that I make a promise)
ElvenPickle: Thanks for the link! I love the site (especially the "what guys and broken skate boards have in common" thing. Brilliant! ), got more of those links for me? Keep them coming, they're inspiring. If you find a site with a list "100 ways to be a bitch" or something similar, tell me too. You never know if it comes in handy. Glad you think I'm doing good work. It's seriously stimulating (and a MAJOR boost for my ego, lol), although I wish it'd help me update faster. Maybe if I got 100 reviews on one chapter or something... yeah, like that's ever gonna happen. Well, like I said before, I'll try to update more frequently.
Lady Eowyn: tsk, tsk... making noise in the Hall of Reviews... you're obviously not an Elf or a Hobbit... oh and be careful with the falling objects! They fall every time Elena or Legolas says something mean to each other. That's right, something always falls. Sigh... the Hall isn't what it used to be... the shampoo Leggy uses? No idea. Something Middle-earthish, most likely. MY hair isn't permanently colored, but that of Elena is. We are not the same, but no matter. About her hair: all will become clear next chapter. Blue hair is cool! A friend of mine had blue hair not long ago *coughEndomielcough* and my parents allowed me to dye it as well, but I haven't done so yet. I say: if you wanna dye it, just do it! (Nike) I'm sorry I didn't update sooner. I meant to but then there was school blabla same old same old. I started on your new story, but didn't finish reading yet, shame on me. Oh well, I guess that I'll just leave an extra long review then, not like you mind. BTW is your finger okay again? And what's up with the boy-scout thing? Never mind. Legolas is indeed evil. But not as evil as Endy, mind you. *Bormir roars* Oh and Bormir, of course. Oh, come to think of it, I said 'hi' to him. He roared, but that's just his standard. Anyway, I'm moving on to the next reviewer, stay out of accidents!
PS: I wanted to let you lend Bormir from me, but I need him for the story. Feel free to borrow the Diabolical PlotBunnies of Doom(tm) though.
LBFREAK: the Elf has a lot more up his sleeves. He's nearly home and that means more trouble for Elena. Possibly also for Legolas, when the PlotBunnies (or Bormir) bless me with a brilliant idea. Sorry the update wasn't faster. But then again, define "soon". For an Elf a month waiting is still "soon". Ah crap! I'll try not to take too long. Why oh why do I have to write multiple fics at a time?
Lossie Alqua: well, that was a clear review. You like my story! *does silly little happy dance* Yeah, I'm hyperactive. Bite me. Or are you a vampire? I hope not. Oh well, you can't bite a disembodied force of good anyway. Never mind me, it's evening: sugar high ahoy!
Oasisrocker: heheh. The chapter was probably kinda evil. But then again, Legolas + Elena = trouble + evil lurking about. I'm so glad that I'm safe at home, away from those two and my evil mathematics teacher of hell. You sure have an interesting way of defining your mathematics-teacher's species... but I liked it! And don't worry about long reviews, those are my favs!
Kat: I'm really happy about your review. Legolas-fans telling me that they like it when he gets mocked... that's just cool, you know? Makes me feel good. (I thought you people were gonna flame me to Angband, hence the very first E/N at chapter one) I'm also glad that you think I succeeded in not making this a story with the average Mary-Sue plotline. I'd shoot myself if the story ended up like that... unfortunately not much of the verbal thing in this chapter, but that'll get better again. This was the practical-joke chappie, those don't require much conversation. I hope you still liked it though, please tell me if you'd want to see another practical joke chapter (I have ideas, I just need opinions). *giggles* those thoughts of Legolas were so much fun to write... I think that was the hardest scene of the whole story, so I'm glad you enjoyed it. (I'm glad about a lot of things, aren't I?) Thank God you're not suggesting a love-relationship between Legolas and Elena, I have enough of those. Your opinion probably comes closest to the original idea. But I'm not sure if mutual annoyance is strong enough though. I'll just wait and see what happens. Oh and do you think I took too long with the update? Please be honest about it, I'll try to be faster if you think I took too long.
The Dishwasher: thank Michael for the Elena = evil thing. He was the mastermind behind it. But I guess you also like the rest of the story so that's okay with me. Thanks for reviewing!
flutterby: *blushes* you really think that much of this story? Thanks! But those two things... they're called open spaces (yeah, I pay attention during literature). Sometimes the author fills them in, sometimes the author doesn't. Filling in an open space may even take the entire story (for example a detective: someone got murdered, who did it?). You don't have to wait that long though. #1 this is part of the main plot line, you'll find out, just be patient. #2 Please don't tell me you think Legolas is in love with Elena too! *starts ripping hair out* Help! Ugh, I'm torn between reviewers. I'll think of something. In the meantime, be patient! Thanks for the review!
Jazz: creepy, that thing with those friends of yours! You're welcome with the comment, I like doing this. It's my favorite part of the chapter most of the times (don't mind me, my ego went skyrocketing ever since I posted this story). I hope you liked the new quote, if you have a suggestion for a quote, you're always welcome. I'll see if I can work it in somehow. Legolas and Elena have indeed been bad little kiddies. But spanking? When I think of spanking and those two I get all the wrong images... *shrugs off disturbing mental images* Glad you liked the PMS, my beta was partly to blame, she wanted me to make PMS extra bad. *winks at Eva* You'll be seeing more PMS, they're nowhere near Rivendell. Sigh... yeah, he wants attention. Again. Michael is so proud of himself now; he made it into a story with his logic. Yeah, he really thinks like that. Scary, isn't it? And thank you for saying that talent-thing, it was so sweet! *leaves to find medicines against Legolas's Big Ego Syndrome*
Yavanna: well, Leggy's still alive, but that doesn't have to last long... *laughs evilly* Yeah, I'm having one of my insane days again. You're welcome, I enjoy writing this, so don't worry about me stopping any time soon. Unless you think that's a bad thing... hmmm... nah.
Black Pearl: No hair dye, but lots of burs... did you like it? *visualizes Afro-Legolas and falls of her chair laughing* Ouch... I really shouldn't do that... oh well.
Phoenix Flight: crazy story by a crazy author... I think you're right... they probably will be unrecognizable when they get to Rivendell... I wonder if Legolas with blue hair looks funny... *considers the idea* I just don't know how to work it in yet. Oh well. Did you like the new "hair-episode"?
WinterRose: I did well on my test, if you're interested. Unfortunately I took ages to update. Ugh. Hope you still found it worth waiting for; I'm glad you love it so far. Bormir gives you a hug. Did he burn you badly? I hope not. And please don't sue me for possible third degree burns, ok? I'm busy enough as it is... (Writing, school, sports... the whole nine yards)
zurizip: Cute? Do you mean the characters, or the story, or the jokes, or something else? Or maybe everything? I suppose it's a compliment, so thanks. Interesting review...
tiagreystorm: threatening my PlotBunnies doesn't really help. They're more of a nuisance anyway. Shooting them may still help though, that way they can't bother me with silly ideas. Happy that you love the story.
ithinkineedanewname: don't feel sorry for Legolas, he is one hell of a bad boy (and that's a good thing, right?). Besides, after next chapter you'll probably hate him. If I write it the way I want it, that is. Did you like Elena's vengeance? *evil laughter* The spikes were Endy's idea. *glares at Endy* did you know she went on for ages on how cool it would look? Oh well, I guess in the end it was a good thing. Sigh.
lil' odd me: I finally updated. I'll keep you informed about your role in Highschool, but you'll have to be patient. Endy has to update first and as we know from experience she can take ages. I'll try to update this one as much as possible though.
E/N: Okay, finally decided to update again, considering the fact that my email got bombed with threats and such, and since my evil mastermind came up with several evil plans to make Legolas suffer some more. But first, an IMPORTANT NOTE: I've had requests for Legolas-Elena romance. I'd like to remind you that the whole idea was not to make them fall in love. I have, however, considered it and spoken to my beta about it. The problem is, I have already figured the plot out, and I don't know how to make Legomance with Elena fit in. My beta and I agree that there should be romance in some way, but whether that will be Legolas or not is still very uncertain. I ask your patience and understanding for this, and I do hope that you won't kill me for my final decision. Thanks for listening (or actually, reading),
Love, peace and a paperclip (very useful items, those paperclips),
-xxx- Elvea
PS: To clear up some confusion... Elena is not me, I am not her. She's simply an OC.
Disclaimer: I do not own anything that New Line Cinema or Tolkien Enterprises already owns *sobs* and I am not gaining any other profit out of writing this than (positive) reviews and a good laugh when I think of a new cruel way to annoy Legolas. So there.
This chapter is dedicated to Michael, because he got me the idea of Legolas's "formula" on why Elena is evil. The formula was his idea, and he kindly allowed me to borrow it for my story. So a big thank you to Michael, along with the honor of being named and recognized by my readers. He deserves applause!!! Also dedicated to Suzi, who helped me with the idea of Elena's vengeance.
WARNING: This chapter contains some rather violent use of language!
" 'Ash nazg durbatulûk, ash nazg gimbatul, ash nazg thrakatulûk agh burzum- ishi krimpatul.'
The change in the wizard's voice was astounding. Suddenly it became menacing, powerful, harsh as stone. A shadow seemed to pass over the high sun, and the porch for a moment grew dark. All trembled, and the Elves stopped their ears." (the Fellowship of the Ring, by J.R.R. Tolkien, book 2 - chapter 2; The Council of Elrond)
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Chapter 5 - Legolas's ordeal
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~*~ Legolas's POV ~*~
I watched Anor rise in the East. Within an hour or so She would rise high enough to warm the world and illuminate it fully. That also meant that Elena would wake up somewhere about an hour from now. I glanced sideways at her. Hadn't I known better I'd say she was dead, but she's just a tight sleeper, which was certainly an advantage for me, seeing as it helped me get my vengeance.
I got up from where I lay and walked to Melda. He was also still asleep, and from experience I knew that it wasn't safe to wake him up, unless you have a death wish. I'd been living of lembas the last two weeks, and to be honest the waybread was starting to get stuck in my throat. In other words: I was getting sick and tired of it. But no longer, for the forest was near, which meant that I could go hunting for food again. After Melda wakes up, that is. I got my pack and sat down, searching through its contents. It didn't take me long to find what I was looking for: my hairbrush and mirror. I put the items on top of the other things and closed my pack again.
The next hour I spent thinking about my plan, and the longer I thought about it, the more it seemed to be a bad idea. With Elena you could never be sure how she would respond, and a thing like this just might be enough reason for her to make sure that you have no longer a good reason to call yourself a member of male society. I was in serious trouble, but there was no way back now. The best thing to do was simply to go through with my plan.
A yawn behind me notified me that Elena was waking up. I took a deep breath. Showtime. As I turned to face my doom also known as Elena, she started her morning ritual. Stretching her limbs, yawning, glaring at me, laying back down, rolling over, glaring at me again, yawning again... nothing special. Then she sat up.
'What, Elf?' she said.
'Nothing... I was just thinking-'
'And of course you seldom do that so you thought you'd warn me...' I suppressed my urge to glare. Instead I turned around and sat down. 'Hey Legolas...'
'What?'
'Do you think I have weird hair?' she asked. I swallowed, but didn't turn my head. Had she seen her hair yet? Was she plotting against me somehow? For the love of Eärendil! Listen to that! I am no coward! In fact, I don't think she's seen it. I didn't hear a deafening scream yet. This actually comes in really handy...
'No, of course not. But if you want to borrow my hairbrush and mirror...'
'You brought a mirror too?' she asked disbelievingly.
'Uh, yeah...'
'Well, I suppose it couldn't hurt...' she answered. I am so dead. Why oh why did I ever even consider this... this... SUICIDE!!! 'Hello? Middle- earth to Elfie... are you still going to give me that prissy mirror thing of yours?' I could hear she was impatient. I'd probably be best off giving her the items now, before her mood got worse. Because if it was already very bad, she would be even more painfully lethal than she'd be anyway. Seeing as I don't want to suffer too much, this is the only option. It's a good thing that Elves return from death or I'd be in serious trouble... still... I got the mirror and the brush, then handed them to her, making sure she didn't see herself right away.
'Here you go'
'Thanks... sort of... I guess...' she took the items from me. Inconspicuously I backed a bit away, wanting to be at a safe distance from her, but on the other hand also wanting to see the look on her face when she discovered what had happened to her hair.
She brought the brush to her hair -so silly, everybody knows that you shouldn't brush your hair when you've got curls; it ruins them! Humans... - and held up the mirror. Her face turned pale and her mouth slowly opened. Her eyes nearly bulged out of her head. She blinked a couple of times, hoping, of course, that it wasn't real. I tried not to grin, but it was quite hard not to do so. That's when realization struck her.
'YOU JERK! YOU UNBELIEVABLY EVIL BASTARD! YOU COMPLETELY INCOMPOTENT SON OF A BITCH!!!' she flung the mirror at me, but I ducked. 'YOU LAMEST OF LAME EXCUSES FOR AN ELF! YOU SADISTIC ASSHOLE...'
~*~ Elena's POV ~*~
Somebody is going to die. Somebody who has millions of fan girls at home (a clear piece of evidence that love is blind). Somebody that acts so gay-like that it makes Jack from Will and Grace look positively masculine. Somebody with such an annoyingly arrogant face. Somebody who happens to be a prince with frustratingly perfect hair and who has fucked up mine until the colors have grown out, IF they even grow out. That somebody goes by the name of Legolas Greenleaf.
I had been living seven days with this obscenely ridiculous excuse for hair, or rather its color. Colors. Damned Elf. We'd ridden northward in that time, just outside of the forest. All that time I hadn't exchanged a single word with him. No, not a single word at all. Instead, I had been plotting his demise. He would pay, and dearly. Screw Gandhi, Legolas will not get away with this. The problem was, I had no idea how to get him back. Sure, in the fanfic it's easy. The chic simply cuts his hair off in vengeance. Yeah right, like that's ever gonna happen in real life. No, that only happens in the fanfic. I mean, be real. He is way too strong for me, so I can't hold him at daytime and do it. Then there's the fact that he sleeps with his eyes open and knows about all that goes on. No way you could achieve such a thing, unless you're some all-powerful wizard or witch, neither of which applies to me. In other words: life sucks.
I looked around. The late afternoon sun sent its last rays of light over the tops of the trees, causing them to cast long shadows eastward, and making the forest seem even darker. A ray of light reflected on the bowl of water in front of me, it broke into little specters showing little rainbows on the sides of the bowl, surrounding the seemingly orange surface of the water. The colors annoyed me. They reminded me of my hair, especially the violet of the specters. I grabbed the bowl and cast it away in frustration. Those specters weren't even supposed to be there! Water in a bowl doesn't break light like that! Legolas snickered. Of course, the stupid Elf with his stupid magic, who else? Even more annoying than the Elf himself was the sunlight coming from behind him. The light made his golden hair shine as if it was a waterfall of gold, and, seeing as he had the pale skin, ironically enough he looked like a bloody saint.
'Scheveningen' I said.
'What did you say?'
'You heard me Scheveningen'
'You're flaming me in your own language, aren't you?'
'Maybe I am, maybe I'm not... you'll never find out...' all he did was shrug, then he got up and took off his tunic, leaving that silly silver- like prissy shirt thing on. So it was that time again. He would bathe somewhere in a forest stream nearby and leave me with that aggressive horse of his. Yeah, you heard me, aggressive. I'd tried to run away a couple of days ago in a flash of insanity when Legolas was also away. Never again! My butt still hurts.
Legolas got a small bag from his pack, the mysterious bag he always took with him, and then he left. Well, maybe not all that mysterious... but you know, it's not like they have toothbrushes in Middle-earth. right? Or do they? I sighed. That Elf had the tendency to stay away for ages, leaving me to collect firewood from nearby places, in the meantime guarded by his evil killer horse of hell. Typically him to make me do all the work. All he did was shoot harmless little bunny rabbits and such. Stupid Elf.
I got up and started throwing some branches on a heap, in the meantime it was getting darker. I had to hurry, or I wouldn't be able to see what I was setting on fire. As the sun sank a little lower, something caught my eye. A small plant was taking its final dose of sunlight for the day, all alone and not far from me; barely outside the forest. A ray of light forced its way through the treetops of the forest, making it seem as if the plant was a light source of its own... almost as if it was a gift of heaven. Halleluiah. I walked to the plant, and grinned. It really was a gift. It was one of those bur-plants, with those irritating burs that get stuck in your hair and never come out without you losing hair.
A grin crept up my face again, wider than the previous and probably evil as could be. The link was easily made. Legolas. Proud. Vengeance. His hair. This plant... bye-bye annoyingly perfect hair of Legolas... but it would only work if I played it smart. Now how could I get these things in his hair... it would be fun if he did the damage himself somehow... a brilliant plan practically floated into my mind. I picked as much burs as I could, careful so as not to get them stuck on my clothes or in my own hair. When I really couldn't carry any more burs, I went back as fast as I could and walked to his tunic. He felt safe, he felt secure enough to think it was safe to leave his tunic here instead of keeping it on till he got to wherever he went, supposing that I didn't form any threat, that I couldn't use his tunic as a weapon anyway. But I could. Hell yeah, I could.
A movement from the forest startled me. I spun around to see what it was. A small creature was sitting in the shadow of the forest, a squirrel of some kind, pitch-black, but with almost radiant blue eyes. A chill went down my spine, those eyes went right through me, I almost believed that the creature knew everything about me. I blinked, it was gone. I turned back to the task at hand; it had to be done before Legolas returned. I knelt down and lay the burs down beside me. Carefully I started putting them inside his tunic, in various places so that when he pulled it over his head, they'd get all over his hair. I knew from experience that this would work, a little too well even. Cross as I had been with him for doing it to me, I'm gonna thank Jason if I ever get home.
When I had put all the burs in the tunic it was already dark. I tried to make a fire, but it didn't really go very well. I was still trying to get the fire burning when Legolas returned. He put the MSB (Mysterious Small Bag) back in his pack, then absentmindedly picked up his tunic and pulled it over his head. He let out a rather girly yelp as he felt the burs attacking his hair (and, possibly, his face). I nearly fell backwards when his head came out of the tunic, but managed to hold back my laughter. He had this look of pure rage in his eyes, his upper lip was trembling with anger, his face was red of fury, but the best part was the state of his hair, or should I say, what was left of it.
The burs were stuck in his hair, causing huge tangles. By pulling the tunic over his head and back, Legolas had only made it worse, which meant that there wasn't a single hair not attached to a bur. One of the burs was hanging somewhat in his ear, but he was too angry to even notice. It looked ridiculous. In blind rage Legolas tried to pull the burs out of his hair, but it was useless. Instead of getting out of his hair, the burs only attached more. When Legolas finally gave up, his hair had transformed from -once- tangle free, long and straight to frizzy with burs decorated afro- style. This did it; I lost control and started laughing. Legolas looking Afro was just too much.
'So you think this is funny' poison dripped from Legolas's words.
'An eye for an eye Elf-boy... or actually... a hair for a hair!' I laughed. I was rolling on the floor now, unable to stop, tears running down my face. Even without looking at him, I knew he was glaring at me, stretching and bending his fingers as if to get ready for a fight. I still continued laughing.
'This isn't over yet' Legolas said after a while. I sat back up and wiped some tears away, gasping for air. I haven't laughed this hard since Jason and I- never mind, maybe some other time. I watched Legolas as he drew one of his knives, not even once glancing in my direction. He looked at the knife in his hands, turned it around a couple of times, as if thinking about something. He almost put it back, but changed his mind. He took a deep breath and raised the knife a bit. His hand stopped, but then doubtingly went up higher. His other hand grabbed for his hair, forcefully pulling it down a bit. He brought the knife to his hair, stopped, and took another deep breath. He swallowed, then determinedly started cutting it off.
~*~
'Is that the Old Forest Road?' I looked at, what once had been, a broad road made of some kind of strange-looking bricks, almost completely overgrown with trees and plants of which scientists at home probably have never even heard of. Two days ago we'd run into the River Running (or Celduin, as Elf-boy calls it) and since then I had enjoyed the pleasure of taking daily baths with Legolas nowhere near me. That his evil killer horse from hell guarded me couldn't spoil the fun.
'What's left of it' Legolas said with a sneer. I looked at him. It was now six days since he had cut off his hair, which meant that he had had short hair for six days now. Short hair, or actually, spikes. Yes, spikes. Even though the thought alone still seemed ridiculous to me, Legolas had made gel from plants and used it for his hair. I recalled something my history- teacher once told me, about the Scottish people having some kind of gel too all the way back when the Roman Empire was at its glory-days. Their gel was so tough in fact, that they could spear an apple on their spikes. But still, the thought of gel in Middle-earth was slightly distressing.
This wasn't my worst problem though. Not even getting home somehow, or staying alive until we reached Rivendell was a big problem anymore. No, the problem was that I was beginning to find Legolas with spikes disturbingly attractive. Physically, that is. And being physically attracted to your arch-nemesis is not a good thing, AT ALL! Thank God he didn't know, that would mean only more suffering. I slept badly because of this problem. Thoughts haunted me about that evening when I was PMS-ing. What if I'd drunk more of that tea? What if the effect had been stronger? What if it wasn't really the tea that had made me do it? OH NO!!! DEAR ERU, NO!!! I'm sticking to my theory: somebody up there seriously hates me.
'So are we going to enter the bloody forest now?' I asked.
'No'
'What?! Why not?'
'For starters, this road is almost impossible. Even if we were to take it, it'd prove a lot of trouble because this road is not protected by magic, and that means that we're taking the chance of getting attacked by spiders' Legolas made a nice little summary. I mock-mouthed his words as he was speaking. The stupid Elf was continuously thinking of more detours. Bloody sadist.
'So where are we going then?'
'The Long Lake, and from there on to the halls of my father. I haven't seen him or my other relatives in years, and I'd like to have some decent company for a change' I ignored his insult and sighed.
'How long will that take?'
'From here to my father? Roughly six days, if we aren't delayed somehow' he glanced at me. I glared at him.
'Like I'd deliberately make this journey with you even longer! I wish this whole thing could've been done in two days instead of two months. I'd rather spend this time being tormented by orcs than to be stuck with you'
'Then at least at one point we agree'
~*~
It was still the same day, but now evening, and we'd made camp a couple of miles north of the Old Forest Road, in the forest. We were forced to go through it to get to the Long Lake, unless we were willing to take another detour of a week or so. Luckily this part of the forest wasn't all that dark (though still darker than anything I could recall from home), and the trees were at an acceptable distance from each other. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that Celduin flowed through this part of the forest. Neh.
I looked around. The small fire Legolas had made illuminated only those things in a range of roughly ten meters; out of that circle the darkness of the forest consumed all light. A chill ran down my spine, it was so silent... even the fire didn't seem to make no sounds. The trees ominously loomed up around me like tall, dark creatures of shadow. Huorns... no, not in Mirkwood. Silly bint. A twig snapped somewhere behind me. I screamed and jumped up, nearly falling over as I spun around.
Legolas was standing at the edge of light and darkness, and in the faint light I couldn't be sure whether or not he was smirking. He probably was. He caused the sudden noise, Elves usually don't make a sound. Their stupid sensitive ears probably couldn't bear the noise otherwise or something similarly silly. Just like at the Council of Elrond, they went all prissy about their moronic pointy ears simply because Gandalf uttered a bit of Black Speech. Honestly.
I got another idea of getting even with Legolas for the prank he'd pulled this time.
'I'm glad you're back' I smiled sweetly. 'I just thought of a poem I want you to hear...'
He sighed, then glared at me. 'I hope for your sake that it doesn't involve the word "hair"...'
'Oh, don't worry, I promise it doesn't have anything to do with hair in any way'
'But then again, a promise coming from you isn't very trustworthy'
'I always keep my word. I just manage to find the back door every time' I grinned.
'Get the bloody poem over with' Legolas took a step in my direction, as if to warn me.
'Ash nazg durbatulûk, ash nazg gimbatul, ash nazg thrakatulûk agh burzum- ishi krimpatul' I whispered. I don't know how, but as if by magic my voice turned abominable, threatening, harsh... every word I said came out as a menacing hiss. Horrified by the words I spoke, as I spoke them, Legolas sank to the forest floor, covering his ears and squirming in pain, closing his eyes. When I stopped speaking, he let out a sigh of relief and opened his eyes, then removed his hands from his ears. He furiously looked at me -a look of pure hate- and opened his mouth to speak. I was faster.
'That wasn't nice of you at all' I pouted my lip in mockery. 'You didn't even hear what I said... now I have to say it again...' his eyes widened. 'Ash nazg durbatulûk...' I started. Legolas cried in pain and covered his ears again. I walked to him, grabbed his hands and pulled them away. 'You're not being polite Legsie... just listen... ash nazg gimbatul, ash nazg-' suddenly Legolas leaped up, causing me to lose balance. In that one lousy second, things had turned one hundred and eighty degrees. It was me on the floor now and him holding my wrists tightly. He looked at me loathingly.
'You've just proven what I suspected all along, you disgrace to the race of Men! You are no more than a disgusting little orc, a vile creature, barely even worthy of being slain, simply a nuisance nobody should waste their time on' he said in disdain. I glared at him.
'Ash nazg thrakatulûk agh burzum-ishi krimpatul!' I screamed, finishing my phrase. Legolas cried out and let go of my wrists to cover his ears. I took advantage of the moment and jumped up, then took a safe distance from him and sat down again, whistling softly to myself. 'I'm not an orc Legging- las, I just speak some foreign languages. I'd be careful with what you say if I were you. I understand more than you think' he didn't reply.
'A tiro nin, Fanuilos' he whispered to himself instead.
~*~ Legolas's POV ~*~
Why me? It was the only thing I could come up with. Why oh why did I, of all people in this world, have to get stuck with Elena? And this new name for me... Legsie... horrible! Just when you think you are safe she pulls a new surprise from her sleeve. So she speaks Black Speech... but that's impossible! How can she know a language from this world if she isn't from this world?! There's just something not right about her... a lot of things, actually. But what was she hiding, and, more important; what was she up to now? Maybe she thought I didn't notice in the darkness of the forest, but I had noticed her glancing at me an amount of times that was far from healthy. She'd continuously done this ever since we entered the forest two days ago. Maybe she was doing it on purpose, hoping that I'd notice and go crazy wondering what she was up to, just like I was doing right now. That's probably what she's up to. Yeah, that's gotta be it. Good thing we're nearing the end of the forest, then she'll probably stop it. I only have to keep my sanity for an hour. How hard can it be?
~*~
I will never ask such a question again. It's asking for trouble. I think she can read my mind, or guess my thoughts at any rate. Almost directly after I asked myself that one question, she'd sent me another one of *those* glances. It had been slightly longer than usual, and it had seemed to be lusty, even thought I couldn't be sure in the dimness of the forest. Anyway, I had leaped up a bit from Melda, and as if the Valar were playing along with Elena's game, there was a branch right above my head. Needless to say I fell off Melda. Ever since then I had been plotting vengeance. It didn't take long for me, genius as I am, to think of something.
We'll get to the edge of the forest in a couple of minutes, and then it won't be long before we get to the Long Lake. Not more than a day anyway. East of it, around the Forest River, as you may or may not know, is quite swampy and nearly impossible to gallop through; resulting in having to go steady the first couple of miles unless you wished to fall off. The best way to ride through the region is to ride near the bank of the river, where no swamp-plants grow and your horse can't get stuck. Could circumstances be more perfect?
~*~ Elena's POV ~*~
I shuddered. We had left the forest yesterday and were now at the Long Lake, near the old Lake Town. It was as if a shadow hung over the lake, or at least a part of it. A feeling of dread crept into my veins and spread itself out. I knew what had happened here once, nearly a century ago. Smaug. My horse felt it too; it was as if he shuddered with every step he took, knowing that the spot was cursed. A chill wind made the grass rustle, then it died down and all was silent again, not even the horses' hooves could be heard. I had the strangest feeling of déjà-vu. This place was drenched with evil, and the fear in me grew with every breath I took.
I looked at the lake. The water seemed to be pitch-black here, and fog seemed to cover part of the town. The shallows of the town still remained, and so did the bridge that led to the town, but only partly; for the shore- side of the bridge had been ruined. Of the town itself was practically nothing left. Here and there I could see parts of it, now and then stood half a wall of one of the houses, nothing more. Slowly the fog lifted, and the sunlight that now came through reflected on countless jewels that lay scattered about the town. I stopped my horse, as if hypnotized I had to watch. The fog lifted further, and slowly a shape amongst the ruins became visible. It was the shape of a huge creature, lying twisted on its back, but it did not move. The stench of the dragon-carcass lying rotting on the town entered my nose, a sickening scent that pierced everything. Still I kept looking; the jewels on the carcass glimmering in the late afternoon sun were breath-takingly beautiful. Not that I wanted to breathe, the air was terrible here. I held my breath as the last bit of fog cleared up and everything was revealed before me. The ruins of the town, the jewels falling from Smaug's dreaded bones... and Smaug himself, or rather; his remainders. He seemed too big to fit in one image. Smaug the Magnificent. My eyes traced up from the huge tail, to the belly, the chest, the neck and finally the skull. I screamed.
Smaug's head lay turned in my direction, his dead eyes looking at me; a devilish grin was or seemed to be spread out over his jaws. As I looked at him, the head lifted, the carcass stirred and Smaug rolled his gigantic body around. He stood up, spread out his wings with a roar and rose from the ruins. As a vision from a nightmare he came flying towards me, setting all the land about me on fire. His jaws parted once again and in a dive he reached me, his jaws closed with a snap around me.
'Elena, are you alright?' I gasped and turned to Legolas, blinking.
'Uh, yeah, I- I'm fine...' I stuttered. I looked back at the lake. Smaug was still in his place, not having moved even a single inch. I didn't dare to look at his skull.
'You looked at his head, didn't you?'
'Maybe...'
'Fool! Never look a creature of Morgoth in the eyes, not even when dead. Not all of their malice dies with them, and the spot where they die is forever accursed! We will leave at once, let this be a lesson for you'
~*~ Legolas's POV ~*~
Elena was riding close behind me, not knowing the way. She was visibly uncomfortable; the look on her face was clearly readable. She was still thinking about the incident with the dragon yesterday. I didn't know what she'd seen, but it must've been frightening, for she hadn't spoken a single word since then. We were now nearing the end of the marshland and the edge of the forest, the border of my father's realm. Ever so often she'd let out a frustrated cry when another mosquito bit her, and then she would glare at me. Anything better than *those* glances. After the umpteenth glare I put my plan to action. I only had to whisper a single word and Elena's horse started galloping. Not counting on this sudden change the girl screamed, but couldn't keep her balance long and only moments after I'd whispered the word she lay in one of the swamp's many, many pools. I called her horse back and stopped Melda right beside her. I looked down on her.
'I heard that mud baths are good for your skin'
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E/N: Well, that's all folks! I hope you enjoyed this, let me know what you think of it! Oh and everybody, read my essay on Glorfindel! Yeah, I'm going now,
Love, peace and a paperclip,
-xxx- Elvea
PS: Bormir the mini-Balrog is insulted that he's not in my story... sigh...
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mwpp-lover: You reviewed just in time to make it into this chapter! Congrats! I hope you enjoyed the fast update (for you that is, the others had to wait ages *sigh*). Well, Legolas wasn't really angry in this chapter, but I'm sure that his ways of taking bengeance were enough for now. Next chapter will be quite long, because they're staying in Mirkwood for a while. I'm sure Elena will have plenty occasions to get Legsie-dear pissed. Well, got to go, still have to upload! Buh-bye!
ola: |:o) you like the bickering! I hope you enjoyed Elena's vengeance. It was kinda hard to write, the images sometimes really got to me. That's why it took so long *sigh*. I need to get these updates more frequent. Damn school.
Kittenwithclaws: Well, she didn't castrate him, but it got close. Imagine Elena flaming Legolas for hours, non-stop. *shudders* I'm glad I wasn't there. I think, personally, I'd rather have Smaug. Less dangerous. Besides, Smaug won't ruin my precious hair. Or maybe he will, by burning it... hmmm... that needs some considering. Bormir waves hi. He's giving you some hugs too. I'm giving you ointments against the burn.
Summer Rose: Hate-love thing? More like a hate-hate thing. Your review scared me. I wrote this with the intention to keep them away from romance. And what do you ask for? Yes, that's right! Shame, shame... shame on you. Nah, just kidding. You'll have to wait for my final decision though, and because you and most of my readers are mortal I'll try to hurry with the next chap. (Can't promise anything, it seems school interferes every time that I make a promise)
ElvenPickle: Thanks for the link! I love the site (especially the "what guys and broken skate boards have in common" thing. Brilliant! ), got more of those links for me? Keep them coming, they're inspiring. If you find a site with a list "100 ways to be a bitch" or something similar, tell me too. You never know if it comes in handy. Glad you think I'm doing good work. It's seriously stimulating (and a MAJOR boost for my ego, lol), although I wish it'd help me update faster. Maybe if I got 100 reviews on one chapter or something... yeah, like that's ever gonna happen. Well, like I said before, I'll try to update more frequently.
Lady Eowyn: tsk, tsk... making noise in the Hall of Reviews... you're obviously not an Elf or a Hobbit... oh and be careful with the falling objects! They fall every time Elena or Legolas says something mean to each other. That's right, something always falls. Sigh... the Hall isn't what it used to be... the shampoo Leggy uses? No idea. Something Middle-earthish, most likely. MY hair isn't permanently colored, but that of Elena is. We are not the same, but no matter. About her hair: all will become clear next chapter. Blue hair is cool! A friend of mine had blue hair not long ago *coughEndomielcough* and my parents allowed me to dye it as well, but I haven't done so yet. I say: if you wanna dye it, just do it! (Nike) I'm sorry I didn't update sooner. I meant to but then there was school blabla same old same old. I started on your new story, but didn't finish reading yet, shame on me. Oh well, I guess that I'll just leave an extra long review then, not like you mind. BTW is your finger okay again? And what's up with the boy-scout thing? Never mind. Legolas is indeed evil. But not as evil as Endy, mind you. *Bormir roars* Oh and Bormir, of course. Oh, come to think of it, I said 'hi' to him. He roared, but that's just his standard. Anyway, I'm moving on to the next reviewer, stay out of accidents!
PS: I wanted to let you lend Bormir from me, but I need him for the story. Feel free to borrow the Diabolical PlotBunnies of Doom(tm) though.
LBFREAK: the Elf has a lot more up his sleeves. He's nearly home and that means more trouble for Elena. Possibly also for Legolas, when the PlotBunnies (or Bormir) bless me with a brilliant idea. Sorry the update wasn't faster. But then again, define "soon". For an Elf a month waiting is still "soon". Ah crap! I'll try not to take too long. Why oh why do I have to write multiple fics at a time?
Lossie Alqua: well, that was a clear review. You like my story! *does silly little happy dance* Yeah, I'm hyperactive. Bite me. Or are you a vampire? I hope not. Oh well, you can't bite a disembodied force of good anyway. Never mind me, it's evening: sugar high ahoy!
Oasisrocker: heheh. The chapter was probably kinda evil. But then again, Legolas + Elena = trouble + evil lurking about. I'm so glad that I'm safe at home, away from those two and my evil mathematics teacher of hell. You sure have an interesting way of defining your mathematics-teacher's species... but I liked it! And don't worry about long reviews, those are my favs!
Kat: I'm really happy about your review. Legolas-fans telling me that they like it when he gets mocked... that's just cool, you know? Makes me feel good. (I thought you people were gonna flame me to Angband, hence the very first E/N at chapter one) I'm also glad that you think I succeeded in not making this a story with the average Mary-Sue plotline. I'd shoot myself if the story ended up like that... unfortunately not much of the verbal thing in this chapter, but that'll get better again. This was the practical-joke chappie, those don't require much conversation. I hope you still liked it though, please tell me if you'd want to see another practical joke chapter (I have ideas, I just need opinions). *giggles* those thoughts of Legolas were so much fun to write... I think that was the hardest scene of the whole story, so I'm glad you enjoyed it. (I'm glad about a lot of things, aren't I?) Thank God you're not suggesting a love-relationship between Legolas and Elena, I have enough of those. Your opinion probably comes closest to the original idea. But I'm not sure if mutual annoyance is strong enough though. I'll just wait and see what happens. Oh and do you think I took too long with the update? Please be honest about it, I'll try to be faster if you think I took too long.
The Dishwasher: thank Michael for the Elena = evil thing. He was the mastermind behind it. But I guess you also like the rest of the story so that's okay with me. Thanks for reviewing!
flutterby: *blushes* you really think that much of this story? Thanks! But those two things... they're called open spaces (yeah, I pay attention during literature). Sometimes the author fills them in, sometimes the author doesn't. Filling in an open space may even take the entire story (for example a detective: someone got murdered, who did it?). You don't have to wait that long though. #1 this is part of the main plot line, you'll find out, just be patient. #2 Please don't tell me you think Legolas is in love with Elena too! *starts ripping hair out* Help! Ugh, I'm torn between reviewers. I'll think of something. In the meantime, be patient! Thanks for the review!
Jazz: creepy, that thing with those friends of yours! You're welcome with the comment, I like doing this. It's my favorite part of the chapter most of the times (don't mind me, my ego went skyrocketing ever since I posted this story). I hope you liked the new quote, if you have a suggestion for a quote, you're always welcome. I'll see if I can work it in somehow. Legolas and Elena have indeed been bad little kiddies. But spanking? When I think of spanking and those two I get all the wrong images... *shrugs off disturbing mental images* Glad you liked the PMS, my beta was partly to blame, she wanted me to make PMS extra bad. *winks at Eva* You'll be seeing more PMS, they're nowhere near Rivendell. Sigh... yeah, he wants attention. Again. Michael is so proud of himself now; he made it into a story with his logic. Yeah, he really thinks like that. Scary, isn't it? And thank you for saying that talent-thing, it was so sweet! *leaves to find medicines against Legolas's Big Ego Syndrome*
Yavanna: well, Leggy's still alive, but that doesn't have to last long... *laughs evilly* Yeah, I'm having one of my insane days again. You're welcome, I enjoy writing this, so don't worry about me stopping any time soon. Unless you think that's a bad thing... hmmm... nah.
Black Pearl: No hair dye, but lots of burs... did you like it? *visualizes Afro-Legolas and falls of her chair laughing* Ouch... I really shouldn't do that... oh well.
Phoenix Flight: crazy story by a crazy author... I think you're right... they probably will be unrecognizable when they get to Rivendell... I wonder if Legolas with blue hair looks funny... *considers the idea* I just don't know how to work it in yet. Oh well. Did you like the new "hair-episode"?
WinterRose: I did well on my test, if you're interested. Unfortunately I took ages to update. Ugh. Hope you still found it worth waiting for; I'm glad you love it so far. Bormir gives you a hug. Did he burn you badly? I hope not. And please don't sue me for possible third degree burns, ok? I'm busy enough as it is... (Writing, school, sports... the whole nine yards)
zurizip: Cute? Do you mean the characters, or the story, or the jokes, or something else? Or maybe everything? I suppose it's a compliment, so thanks. Interesting review...
tiagreystorm: threatening my PlotBunnies doesn't really help. They're more of a nuisance anyway. Shooting them may still help though, that way they can't bother me with silly ideas. Happy that you love the story.
ithinkineedanewname: don't feel sorry for Legolas, he is one hell of a bad boy (and that's a good thing, right?). Besides, after next chapter you'll probably hate him. If I write it the way I want it, that is. Did you like Elena's vengeance? *evil laughter* The spikes were Endy's idea. *glares at Endy* did you know she went on for ages on how cool it would look? Oh well, I guess in the end it was a good thing. Sigh.
lil' odd me: I finally updated. I'll keep you informed about your role in Highschool, but you'll have to be patient. Endy has to update first and as we know from experience she can take ages. I'll try to update this one as much as possible though.