Disclaimer: Characters from PoT were created by Konomi Takeshi, etc., etc. You know the rest.

Sorry for the delay! I'll dispense with a full account of my recent troubles; suffice it to say that an audit internship prevented me from keeping things up-to-date. A lack of fresh PoT fansubs and my rising interest in other anime series (Peacemaker Kurogane in particular) also contributed to a short-term decline of enthusiasm for the project on my part, though after seeing a few raw episodes (including the latest chibi special, #132) I'm now more than happy to pick up where I left off.

Things seem to be moving far too slowly, even for me (and I'm the blasted author!), so I'll try to wrap things up in the introductory episode as soon as possible. Work on Episode 2 (the first real case) is already underway, though progress has been rather erratic at best because I've had so little time to spare. If all goes well, I might post the first two chapters at the same time that I put up the concluding sections of Episode 1.

I know this chapter isn't quite up to my usual standard; I'll revise it when I get the opportunity to do so.

In any case, a tight academic schedule for the next few weeks means that after the next chapter, I might not be able to submit another update for a while -- and for this I apologise.

To my sister (if she's reading this): Sorry, Ol' Blue Eyes won't make an appearance here yet. Chapter Six, perhaps?

Chapter IV: The Viper and the Snake-Charmer

Keeping his eyes on the ground, Ryoma walked away from Captain Tezuka's office towards A-section. But before he had even gotten halfway towards the central intersection, the young man collided with -- something.

"Fshuu . . . watch where you're going!" growled a voice from somewhere above him.

Ryoma took a couple of steps back before looking up at whatever had blocked his path. The obstruction was, in fact, another police officer -- though he certainly didn't look the part, dressed as he was in a sleeveless blue shirt and scruffy denim pants that looked none the worse for wear. With his head tightly bound in a green bandana that concealed everything above his forehead, the man carried the appearance of a round-topped serpent poised to pounce upon some hapless mouse who had foolishly strayed across his path. The vengeful scowl on his face alone could have sunk a thousand ships and burnt cities to the ground.

Without waiting for an apology, the stranger opened the door marked B-6 and slipped into a large, comfortably furnished office. Ryoma didn't have enough time to get a proper look before the door slammed back into place, but his quick eyes saw enough to tell him that this amounted to an antithesis of Captain Tezuka's spartan accommodations. The well-lit room had been painted in light pastel colours, with photographs and framed paintings covering nearly every available square inch of wall space. On one side (looking distinctly out of place) stood an old-fashioned reclining couch, complete with tooled leather upholstery held in place by brass studs -- an artefact that could easily have come straight from Sigmund Freud's private study. Near the far wall was a large wooden desk, behind which sat a man with hair so closely cropped that it looked as though a black swimming cap had been permanently stuck onto his head. Two stray locks protruded from the "cap" and hung limply above his face.

Feeling no urge to hurry on, Ryoma lingered outside the office for a while and caught snatches of conversation from within (which wasn't difficult since the room hadn't been soundproofed). Ordinarily, his lack of interest in people kept him from eavesdropping on their petty, irrelevant conversations -- but then again, one never knew when the odd piece of information (unsavoury or otherwise) might come in handy around the workplace.

"Ah, Kaidoh-kun!" said the occupant cheerfully. "So good of you to come and visit me. "

"But you ordered me to come for my performance review, Oishi-san."

Failing to heed that remark, the other man plowed on. "Not at all, not at all -- always a pleasure to spend some quality time with fellow CSIs. Would you care for some tea, or coffee, or . . ."

"No, thank you. I'm fine." Contrary to expectations, the serpent-man actually managed to sound genuinely polite.

"Well, how about some pastries? Fuji-san made another batch of his delicious lotus-cream cakes yesterday . . ."

"No, thank you. I just ate."

"In that case, let us proceed with your bi-monthly performance review -- unless there is something else you'd like to talk about, of course." Through a chink in the Venetian blinds, Ryoma saw him patting the enormous leather couch. "Any problems you'd wish to share? Grievances? Positive experiences? Traumatic encounters? You're more than welcome to lie down for a bit and tell me."

"Fshuu . . . no complaints here, Captain Oishi."

"Are you sure?" The other officer sounded extremely concerned. "You know it's not nice to keep things bottled up inside one's mind. If there's anything you need to talk to me about, anything at all, just remember that my-"

"I know, I know, Oishi-san. Your door is always open. Fshuu." His repeated hissing was beginning to grate on Ryoma's nerves.

"Exactly. Now then . . ." There was the sound of paper being shuffled about. "As you know, I took the liberty of sending a copy of the evaluation report to you three days ago, so we needn't go over the first chapter. I'd also like to congratulate you for receiving such high overall ratings. Your handling of the Hyotei Heights case last month appears to have impressed Chief Superintendent Ishikawa, who I'm sure is considering you for promotion even as we speak."

"Ah, thank you."

"However, there is a need for us to discuss one or two points for improvement. Well, three or four." More shuffling of paper. "Uh, make that five. Pages, that is."

There was no verbal reaction from the other man, though Ryoma could almost feel the tension rising on the other side of the door.

"Most of them have something to do with your -- forgive me, Kaidoh-kun, I'm only quoting from the report -- 'insociable attitude, often bordering on hostility, towards our newer staff members'. For instance, I have a complaint here from SPO Kachi- er, a certain junior officer who says, and I quote: 'I was running towards the superintendent's office and accidentally tripped on his shoe the other day, but when I tried to apologise, he just gave me THAT LOOK and hissed at me! I tell you, that man gives me the chills . . .'

"Another SPO wrote: 'In my two years of glorious police experience, during which I've brought hundreds of bloodthirsty criminals to justice and singlehandedly battled with some of Japan's worst Yakuza gangsters-', well, the young fellow goes on like this for a couple of pages, so let me skip down to the important bit, '-I have never encountered anyone as scary as him! Here I was, saying a couple of innocent jokes about the weird, ugly, evil-looking, bandana-wearing CSI down at the crime lab, when he suddenly pops up out of nowhere, hisses, roars like a caged beast and chases me and my friends all around the station! Then Captain Tezuka reprimands us for bumping into him and orders us to run 50 laps round the complex, and that man has the nerve to blame it all on me! Oh, one of these days he'll throttle me to death when no-one's looking, I just know it . . .'"

The one called Kaidoh remained utterly speechless. The one called Oishi took the initiative and broke the silence.

"Now then, what are you going to do about this, Kaidoh-kun?"

"Fshuu . . . first, I'm going to teach those Ichinen a lesson . . ."

"Tut, tut, tut. What did I tell you about fighting?"

Kaidoh muttered a stream of choice invectives under his breath (thus instantly enriching Ryoma's curse vocabulary), then spoke as if reciting from a script: "'Fighting never solves anything. It is better to settle disputes in a peaceful, proactive manner. And as always, one must be a good listener.' Fshuu."

"That's the spirit, Kaidoh-kun! And just so you know, I heard everything you said before that. Now what did I tell you about cursing?"

"Fshuu . . . 'If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all.'" Oh bugger, the man's acting like my primary school counsellor.

"Wonderful! I see that my weekly 'Let's Be Nice To Our Workmates' lectures have had some effect on you after all. Now in order to patch things up with the three young officers who've filed complai- I mean, who've been so kind as to help point out your weaknesses so that you could overcome them, I've arranged for you to handle a case together with them after your current assignments have been completed."

"Whaat! I'm not spending any quality time with those bumbling morons!"

"Oh yes, you are, Kai-doh-kun." Oishi said it very patiently, though for some reason this added a threatening note to his otherwise cheerful voice. "Trust me. You'll enjoy it. The Ichinen Trio were a trifle reluctant to go along with my idea -- kept saying something about you tearing their arms off -- but I'm sure there won't be any reason for concern, will there?"

"Fshuu . . . not when I'm through with them," Kaidoh muttered.

"What was that, Kaidoh-kun?"

"N-nothing, Oishi-san."

"Excellent. Help yourself to some sweets on your way out; I know how much you love these cat-shaped lollipops. Have a nice day!"

Quick character preview for Chapter 5: Eiji, Momo, and Sakuno. (And Ryoma, of course.) I'm hoping to get it up by Thursday.