Disclaimer: I don't own LOTR. I do however own an empty can of "Forum" -
discount german lager, purchased for 70 cents from a sweaty supermarket in
Crete.
Authors Note: I got one review, hurrah for Velossian! Does any one else read these? If you do, tell me what you think, even if you think I'm sinking into all new depths of fanfic badness. (For those who don't think this - just wait for part 3).
"They took my spoons" Part2
The palantir dropped from Bilbo's limp grasp with an earthy thud whilst behind him the soil wall crumbled away. Bilbo turned slowly around and to his astonishment found he was looking at an unusual landscape. Surely that wasn't right. I should be underground he thought. Why was he here? Wherever "here" was. Dislodging more of his wall to give him a better view, Bilbo looked up at a blanket of dark clouds, they growled with thunder and crackled as lightening scarred their surface. Lava fumes spiralled into the choked air adding their own orange haze to the surreal landscape. In the distance shadow-like jagged mountains punctured the sky. It didn't look friendly. "What in Eru have you done Bilbo?" The confused hobbit jumped to find Gandalf next to him. "Gandalf How did you get here?! I-I mean how did we get here?"
The wizard crawled up to him and picked up the silver palantir. As Gandalf turned it in his hands he realised it had gone a dull grey colour and there was no longer any swirly mist effects. "I don't remember how we got here you see........one minute we're talking about my party over a civilised cup of tea.....the next...." he trailed off.
Deep inside Bilbo's pocket the one ring made itself small and tried to look innocent. Gandalf looked up holding the grey orb "this might have something to do with it"
"That? I thought it was a snow dome." (Bilbo had shook it quite vigorously in the past, afterwards he concluded it wasn't working properly and had stored it away in the cellar without a second thought)
"Either way lets have a look out here", Bilbo's said, his naturally inquisitive nature returning. Gandalf sighed. Well, it was much better than the paranoid Bilbo of a few minutes ago.
Inside the pocket of Bilbo's finely embroidered waist coat the ring waited...It would soon be reunited with its master.
A few seconds after struggling through the opening Gandalf realized the he was in big trouble. The hobbit and wizard stood on a circle of polished black stone which by the look of surrounding mountains was quite high up indeed. Gandalf apprehensively looked over the edge of the circle. He almost threw up. Thousands of torches moved on walkways as pinpricks of light. Others cast their small fiery glow over dozens of black turrets pointing like needles below him. Sounds of an army at work, mining, tempering steel and what might be a karaoke night drifted up to him. Below the towers lava streams threaded their way through the desolate landscape like a spider webs. What really worried Gandalf however was a massive fiery eye to his right.
"HELLO"
When neither of the two cowering friends replied the dark lord Sauron said
"WELCOME TO BARA-DUR, I HARDLY EVER GET VISITORS"
Gandalf was the first to recover; he was in the presence of Sauron himself and without his staff! Obviously he needed to plan a quick escape. Stall for time! Was all he could think of. "Greetings great eye! Lidless, wreathed in flame!" Gandalf made worshipful motions with his arms.
"YES, YES...... DARK LORD THIS AND GREAT DECEIVER THAT, I GET IT ALL THE TIME .....VERY TIRESOME"
"Please accept my humble apology's oh fiery one", he said kneeling in supplication. Gandalf desperately searched his mind for some spark of genius. He didn't find anything. "Erm... this is", he said indicating Bilbo's prone form who was too scared to move, "my good friend Bilbo Baggins"
"DID YOU SAY BAGGINS!!!"
"Y-You know me?" quavered Bilbo, "because I don't think we've met a- and.....I'm sure I would have remembered ... meeting an eye so er impressively....er....."
"Flame wreathed", put in Gandalf helpfully
"Yes"
"I DO NOT KNOW YOU. HOWEVER I WAS UNCERTAIN AS TO WETHER YOU SAID YOU'RE NAME WAS FAGGINSS OR BAGGINSS. THAT IS WHY I ASKED. IF IT HAD BEEN FAGGINNESS IT WOULD HAVE BEEN FUNNY. WOULD IT NOT?"
Gandalf and Bilbo exchanged a wooden glance before they both said "Oh yes, very funny. Very funny indeed....ha ha"
YES, FUNNY HAHAHAHA"
"Ha....ha....ha" (Gandalf and Bilbo's laughter was so wooden that at that same moment a group of tree's vanished from the woods of Lorien)
"HAHA....HMMM...."
"Mmmm"
Both parties's stopped laughing eventually. Bilbo shuffled nervously and looked at his feet. Whereas Gandalf started picking at a bit of dried mud from his robe. Both were sweating. This was mainly due to being in the close proximity of a fiery eye. The eye itself seemed to move its obsidian pupil to look at Mount Doom. An embarrassed silence followed where everyone tried to think of something to say.
"So....." said Bilbo
The eye refocused on its visitors. "YES?"
Bilbo hadn't actually planned ahead, ".........interesting weather you get here", he said after a moment's deliberation.
"OH YES, ITS LIKE THIS ALL THE TIME"
".......Well at least its predictable.....not like in the Shire, eh Gandalf?" Bilbo nudged the wizard
"Oh..... no, sun one minute, showers the next.....ho-ho-ho"
It must be hard, reflected Gandalf, being a large eye. "I suppose you don't get out much?"
"NO"
Silence again. Time passed slowly, like constipation.
"THIS IS NICE ISN'T IT? I MEAN A CULTURED CONVERSATION BETWEEN FRIENDS EH?"
"Yes nice, very nice", said the two visitors together
There was another pause. Gandalf used this opportunity to get off his aching knees. The great eye swivelled its black pupil, "WHAT IS THAT!?" It demanded. Gandalf and Bilbo turned rather sheepishly to survey a mound of dirt attached to what looked like Bilbo's cellar. The "super" palantir transported it's immediate surroundings, and so a small chunk of the shire was now languishing atop the tower of Bara-dur. It looked out of place. The flames of Saurons eye darkened, "WHO IN MORDOR PUT ALL THAT CRAP THERE!?" Bilbo was slightly offended that his cellar had been referred to as "crap" and was about to say so. Luckily Gandalf's wizard senses forewarned him. He stood on Bilbo's toe. "Ahg-"
"What my friend means", said Gandalf continuing to squash Bilbo's foot, "is that we saw a group of orcs put that there earlier as.....a gift."
"WHAT! WHY WOULD I WANT A PILE OF SOIL?"
That's what I told them oh great eye but-"
"WHO LEFT IT? I SHALL MELT THE PERPETRATOR FOR THIS INSULT!"
Gandalf had to think quickly whilst under pressure which is why he said "John". This was foolish of the old wizard because as is common knowledge "John" is not a common name in Mordor. Here people have orc names because they are mainly orcs.
The following are popular orc names.....
Shagga Shagag Shagbag Shagrack Shagsheep Shaggamuffin Peter
"JOHN?"
"er.... Shagjohn!" Gandalf quickly amended.
The great eye considered this for a moment, "OH", it said, "HIM"
The wizard and hobbit breathed out a sigh of relief. They weren't going to get melted....yet.
"IF ONLY I COULD AFFORD SOMETHING OTHER THAN DUMB ORCS!"
Sauron's pupil focused accusingly on Gandalf and Bilbo (This was because, if you haven't already guessed, the eye had assumed our two hero's to be orcs. If you didn't guess then don't worry because Gandalf and Bilbo didn't know at this point either. Although Gandalf will realize in a few paragraphs, Bilbo however will probably not.)
"I MEAN", the dark lord continued, "HAVE THEY EVER WON ME A BATTLE? NO! I COULD SEND A HUGE ARMY OF 'EM AGAINST A COUPLE OF RABBITS AND THEY'D STILL COME BACK DEFEATED"
Gandalf and Bilbo nodded in sympathy.
"YOU WOULDN'T BELEIVE WHAT HAPPENED IN THE LAST ALLIENCE BETWEEN ELVES AND MEN", the great eye continued to drone, "TALK ABOUT FALLING ON YOUR OWN SWORDS! IT WAS LIKE A RACE TO SEE WHO COULD GET SLAYED THE QUICKIST"
At that moment Gandalf's mind put the finishing touches to a plan of escape. It wasn't complicated. They would make a dash for Bilbo's cellar, once inside he would take the "super" palantir (for Gandalf had now realized what it was) and attempt to bend it to his will. He only hoped it had turned back from its dull grey state by now.
"er, I'm afraid we must be going", said Gandalf, "You know how it is..... rushed off you're feet", He instantly realized he'd said something stupid.
"I WOULDN'T KNOW", Sauron said, sounding slightly hurt. "BEING A BIG EYE ISN'T AS MUCH FUN AS IT SOUNDS"
"At least the views good", Bilbo piped up while rubbing his toe.
Dark Lord Sauron reflected for a moment, "THERE IS THAT", he conceded.
It is worth knowing that Sauron didn't originally want to be a Dark Lord. He had really wanted to go into clowning. Somewhere along the line he'd lost sight of this. Maybe he should have listened to his mum when she said Morgoth was a bad influence. He blinked sadly, baggy pants, face paint, custard pies....it was a world he'd never know.
"OH WELL, BACK TO WORK THEN MY LITTLE ORCSY'S"
He thinks we're orcs! Thought Gandalf. Well that explained a lot, such as his and Bilbo's continuing existence. Maybe his eye-sight wasn't that good. Gandalf however was not about to correct him.
"We're not orcs", said Bilbo happily, "I'm a hobbit and he's a wizard"
Authors Note: I got one review, hurrah for Velossian! Does any one else read these? If you do, tell me what you think, even if you think I'm sinking into all new depths of fanfic badness. (For those who don't think this - just wait for part 3).
"They took my spoons" Part2
The palantir dropped from Bilbo's limp grasp with an earthy thud whilst behind him the soil wall crumbled away. Bilbo turned slowly around and to his astonishment found he was looking at an unusual landscape. Surely that wasn't right. I should be underground he thought. Why was he here? Wherever "here" was. Dislodging more of his wall to give him a better view, Bilbo looked up at a blanket of dark clouds, they growled with thunder and crackled as lightening scarred their surface. Lava fumes spiralled into the choked air adding their own orange haze to the surreal landscape. In the distance shadow-like jagged mountains punctured the sky. It didn't look friendly. "What in Eru have you done Bilbo?" The confused hobbit jumped to find Gandalf next to him. "Gandalf How did you get here?! I-I mean how did we get here?"
The wizard crawled up to him and picked up the silver palantir. As Gandalf turned it in his hands he realised it had gone a dull grey colour and there was no longer any swirly mist effects. "I don't remember how we got here you see........one minute we're talking about my party over a civilised cup of tea.....the next...." he trailed off.
Deep inside Bilbo's pocket the one ring made itself small and tried to look innocent. Gandalf looked up holding the grey orb "this might have something to do with it"
"That? I thought it was a snow dome." (Bilbo had shook it quite vigorously in the past, afterwards he concluded it wasn't working properly and had stored it away in the cellar without a second thought)
"Either way lets have a look out here", Bilbo's said, his naturally inquisitive nature returning. Gandalf sighed. Well, it was much better than the paranoid Bilbo of a few minutes ago.
Inside the pocket of Bilbo's finely embroidered waist coat the ring waited...It would soon be reunited with its master.
A few seconds after struggling through the opening Gandalf realized the he was in big trouble. The hobbit and wizard stood on a circle of polished black stone which by the look of surrounding mountains was quite high up indeed. Gandalf apprehensively looked over the edge of the circle. He almost threw up. Thousands of torches moved on walkways as pinpricks of light. Others cast their small fiery glow over dozens of black turrets pointing like needles below him. Sounds of an army at work, mining, tempering steel and what might be a karaoke night drifted up to him. Below the towers lava streams threaded their way through the desolate landscape like a spider webs. What really worried Gandalf however was a massive fiery eye to his right.
"HELLO"
When neither of the two cowering friends replied the dark lord Sauron said
"WELCOME TO BARA-DUR, I HARDLY EVER GET VISITORS"
Gandalf was the first to recover; he was in the presence of Sauron himself and without his staff! Obviously he needed to plan a quick escape. Stall for time! Was all he could think of. "Greetings great eye! Lidless, wreathed in flame!" Gandalf made worshipful motions with his arms.
"YES, YES...... DARK LORD THIS AND GREAT DECEIVER THAT, I GET IT ALL THE TIME .....VERY TIRESOME"
"Please accept my humble apology's oh fiery one", he said kneeling in supplication. Gandalf desperately searched his mind for some spark of genius. He didn't find anything. "Erm... this is", he said indicating Bilbo's prone form who was too scared to move, "my good friend Bilbo Baggins"
"DID YOU SAY BAGGINS!!!"
"Y-You know me?" quavered Bilbo, "because I don't think we've met a- and.....I'm sure I would have remembered ... meeting an eye so er impressively....er....."
"Flame wreathed", put in Gandalf helpfully
"Yes"
"I DO NOT KNOW YOU. HOWEVER I WAS UNCERTAIN AS TO WETHER YOU SAID YOU'RE NAME WAS FAGGINSS OR BAGGINSS. THAT IS WHY I ASKED. IF IT HAD BEEN FAGGINNESS IT WOULD HAVE BEEN FUNNY. WOULD IT NOT?"
Gandalf and Bilbo exchanged a wooden glance before they both said "Oh yes, very funny. Very funny indeed....ha ha"
YES, FUNNY HAHAHAHA"
"Ha....ha....ha" (Gandalf and Bilbo's laughter was so wooden that at that same moment a group of tree's vanished from the woods of Lorien)
"HAHA....HMMM...."
"Mmmm"
Both parties's stopped laughing eventually. Bilbo shuffled nervously and looked at his feet. Whereas Gandalf started picking at a bit of dried mud from his robe. Both were sweating. This was mainly due to being in the close proximity of a fiery eye. The eye itself seemed to move its obsidian pupil to look at Mount Doom. An embarrassed silence followed where everyone tried to think of something to say.
"So....." said Bilbo
The eye refocused on its visitors. "YES?"
Bilbo hadn't actually planned ahead, ".........interesting weather you get here", he said after a moment's deliberation.
"OH YES, ITS LIKE THIS ALL THE TIME"
".......Well at least its predictable.....not like in the Shire, eh Gandalf?" Bilbo nudged the wizard
"Oh..... no, sun one minute, showers the next.....ho-ho-ho"
It must be hard, reflected Gandalf, being a large eye. "I suppose you don't get out much?"
"NO"
Silence again. Time passed slowly, like constipation.
"THIS IS NICE ISN'T IT? I MEAN A CULTURED CONVERSATION BETWEEN FRIENDS EH?"
"Yes nice, very nice", said the two visitors together
There was another pause. Gandalf used this opportunity to get off his aching knees. The great eye swivelled its black pupil, "WHAT IS THAT!?" It demanded. Gandalf and Bilbo turned rather sheepishly to survey a mound of dirt attached to what looked like Bilbo's cellar. The "super" palantir transported it's immediate surroundings, and so a small chunk of the shire was now languishing atop the tower of Bara-dur. It looked out of place. The flames of Saurons eye darkened, "WHO IN MORDOR PUT ALL THAT CRAP THERE!?" Bilbo was slightly offended that his cellar had been referred to as "crap" and was about to say so. Luckily Gandalf's wizard senses forewarned him. He stood on Bilbo's toe. "Ahg-"
"What my friend means", said Gandalf continuing to squash Bilbo's foot, "is that we saw a group of orcs put that there earlier as.....a gift."
"WHAT! WHY WOULD I WANT A PILE OF SOIL?"
That's what I told them oh great eye but-"
"WHO LEFT IT? I SHALL MELT THE PERPETRATOR FOR THIS INSULT!"
Gandalf had to think quickly whilst under pressure which is why he said "John". This was foolish of the old wizard because as is common knowledge "John" is not a common name in Mordor. Here people have orc names because they are mainly orcs.
The following are popular orc names.....
Shagga Shagag Shagbag Shagrack Shagsheep Shaggamuffin Peter
"JOHN?"
"er.... Shagjohn!" Gandalf quickly amended.
The great eye considered this for a moment, "OH", it said, "HIM"
The wizard and hobbit breathed out a sigh of relief. They weren't going to get melted....yet.
"IF ONLY I COULD AFFORD SOMETHING OTHER THAN DUMB ORCS!"
Sauron's pupil focused accusingly on Gandalf and Bilbo (This was because, if you haven't already guessed, the eye had assumed our two hero's to be orcs. If you didn't guess then don't worry because Gandalf and Bilbo didn't know at this point either. Although Gandalf will realize in a few paragraphs, Bilbo however will probably not.)
"I MEAN", the dark lord continued, "HAVE THEY EVER WON ME A BATTLE? NO! I COULD SEND A HUGE ARMY OF 'EM AGAINST A COUPLE OF RABBITS AND THEY'D STILL COME BACK DEFEATED"
Gandalf and Bilbo nodded in sympathy.
"YOU WOULDN'T BELEIVE WHAT HAPPENED IN THE LAST ALLIENCE BETWEEN ELVES AND MEN", the great eye continued to drone, "TALK ABOUT FALLING ON YOUR OWN SWORDS! IT WAS LIKE A RACE TO SEE WHO COULD GET SLAYED THE QUICKIST"
At that moment Gandalf's mind put the finishing touches to a plan of escape. It wasn't complicated. They would make a dash for Bilbo's cellar, once inside he would take the "super" palantir (for Gandalf had now realized what it was) and attempt to bend it to his will. He only hoped it had turned back from its dull grey state by now.
"er, I'm afraid we must be going", said Gandalf, "You know how it is..... rushed off you're feet", He instantly realized he'd said something stupid.
"I WOULDN'T KNOW", Sauron said, sounding slightly hurt. "BEING A BIG EYE ISN'T AS MUCH FUN AS IT SOUNDS"
"At least the views good", Bilbo piped up while rubbing his toe.
Dark Lord Sauron reflected for a moment, "THERE IS THAT", he conceded.
It is worth knowing that Sauron didn't originally want to be a Dark Lord. He had really wanted to go into clowning. Somewhere along the line he'd lost sight of this. Maybe he should have listened to his mum when she said Morgoth was a bad influence. He blinked sadly, baggy pants, face paint, custard pies....it was a world he'd never know.
"OH WELL, BACK TO WORK THEN MY LITTLE ORCSY'S"
He thinks we're orcs! Thought Gandalf. Well that explained a lot, such as his and Bilbo's continuing existence. Maybe his eye-sight wasn't that good. Gandalf however was not about to correct him.
"We're not orcs", said Bilbo happily, "I'm a hobbit and he's a wizard"