Disclaimer: I don't own LOTR, in any shape or form. The only thing I own
is this plot, which I am in no hurry to claim...
Foreword..Ok this is the final part to the first tale. The last chapter closed with an ill timed comment from Bilbo, can Gandalf save the situation in time? Read on..
"They took my spoons" Part 3
Gandalf was at that moment overcome with a strong desire to disembowel Bilbo with a silver spoon. There was only one possible way to save the situation. The wizard looped his arm around Bilbo and playfully punched him on the arm, "ah he's just playing with ya Sauron, always the joker aren't you?"
he turned to Bilbo with a murderous glint in his eye.
"...yes", the confused hobbit said, "just joking"
Gandalf tried to keep a playful grin on his face as the eye narrowed somewhat. After several tense seconds of close scrutiny it started to laugh.
"HAHAHAHAHA"
"Ha...ha...ha"
"PRESENT MY GIFT THEN, AND YOU CAN GO MY FRIENDS"
"Gift?"
The eye began to narrow again. "ALL VISITORS ARE NOT TO ALLOWED TO LEAVE MY PRESENCE WITHOUT A GIFT!", the eye narrowed further, "BECAUSE OF THIS, I HAVE MELTED MANY FOOLISH ORCS!"
"Off course, right away... er wont be a minute. I left it behind that pile of dirt", said Gandalf, "so it would be more of a surprise"
The wizard backed slowly to the cellar under Saurons disapproving glare, "keep him occupied" he whispered to Bilbo on his way. The hobbit nodded and began telling an awful shire joke about a dwarf an elf and an Irish man. Meanwhile Gandalf crawled through Bilbo's escape room and picked up the "super" palantir. It had become a lighter colour with a few silvery strands wending their way through its depths. It looked a bit better.... it was no longer murky grey but Gandalf's wizard senses told him it needed a bit longer to charge. If only he could stall Sauron for a few more minutes. As it happened Bilbo seemed to be doing a good job of it as the dark lords laughter carried into the tunnel.
"HAHAHAHAHA"
"You're turn now", exclaimed Bilbo happily
"WEL, ER IM NOT TOO GOOD AT TELLING JOKES.."
Gandalf stopped listening and had an idea.... there was plenty of stuff in Bilbo's cellar, maybe he could find a suitable gift there and by the time he'd presented it the palantir would have re-charged. He scrambled with great difficulty up through the trap door and into the cellar. The Fire of Saurons eye allowed some light through the trap door and Gandalf was just able to make out his surroundings. He frowned, what in middle earth would be a suitable gift for a giant eye?
"SO THIS GUY CROSSES THE ROAD..."
Gandalf crawled on his hands and knee's desperately flinging aside various oddments including a rusty kettle, several weed pipes, a lump of mouldy cheese that smelled like old socks and a pair of old socks that smelled like mouldy cheese. He was beginning to panic, there was simply too much junk in here. None of it looked particularly useful to a fiery eye.
"AND....OH YES! HE SAYS: "WHY HAVE I CROSSED THE ROAD?"
"Aha!" Gandalf exclaimed, triumphantly brandishing a silver rimmed magnifying eyepiece. It came with a delicate silver chain so it could be worn as a monocle. Gandalf remembered Bilbo going through a brief phase where he wore the eyepiece all the time, however it had ended abruptly once he realised it made him look like a prat.
"TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE!"
This time Gandalf wisely used the cellar door which opened directly onto Bara dur tower (the door was deeply shocked at this).
"OH! AND THE GUY WAS A CHICKEN"
Bilbo made a feeble, choking laughter as Gandalf approached Sauron.
"OH MY GIFT! ABOUT TIME! IT JUST BETTER NOT BE ANOTHER ONE OF THOSE DAMNED EYEPEICES"
Gandalf froze.
"BECAUSE IF IT IS...", Saurons eye fixed him with a suspicious glare on Gandalf, "I WILL HAVE NO FURTHER OPTION BUT TO MELT YOU.....AND ER.... PARTIALLY MELT YOU'RE FRIEND!"
Gandalf looked at Bilbo. Bilbo looked at Gandalf. Sauron looked at both Gandalf and Bilbo. Eddie looked at Sauron. Once again the wizard had to think quickly. "Well.....", began Gandalf reluctantly, "I er..... hmmmm", suddenly an idea struck him (quite why this idea resorted to physical violence is unknown. Although it was probably to do with hormones.)
"Its just that I needed some help", Gandalf began with a bit more confidence, "you see.....its a very big present....two man job actually"
For a horrible moment Gandalf thought the eye would melt them.
".........OOOH A BIG PRESENT!", the Dark Lord crooned, "HURRY, GO AND GET IT YOU TWO!"
Bilbo sprang up and followed Gandalf around to the front of the cellar where they could use the door.
"BE QUICK THOUGH..", Sauron added darkly
They both quickened their pace. Gandalf rushed into the cellar, glanced at the palantir and groaned.
"What's up?" said Bilbo who had by now recovered from the initial fear/shock of a giant talking eye
composed of fire and was now happily relying on Gandalf to sort everything out.
"We're screwed", muttered the wizard
"What?"
"Look", Gandalf thrust the palantir in front of Bilbo's nose, "its not charged yet!"
"Oh....I thought we'd be escaping on eagles.....like usual"
"Not this time I am afraid", Gandalf put the palantir down and sank to his knees, "the only way we're getting out of this mess....which is entirely you're fault by the way! Is by using the palantir to teleport us back"
"but I don't know how to use it! Honestly Gandalf I remember having a nice cup of tea one minute and then I'm hear the next."
Gandalf muttered "riddles in the dark"
"What?"
"A wise istari like my myself should be able to bend the palantir to my will but it needs more ti-"
An ominous song reached their ears, "WHY ARE WE WAITING....WHY ARE WE WAITING..." Bilbo panicked, ran in circles around Gandalf and said things like "shit". Then, just as suddenly he stopped...... Bilbo had an idea...
"If we jumped off the tower do you think there's a chance we'd land on a haystack?"
Gandalf didn't answer. A smile slowly creased his wrinkled face. He'd had an idea too.... (The pair closed together and whispered frantically while the camera slowly pans outwards. What they were actually planning you do not find out. This is to add dramatic effect in the next scene)
"THIS BETTER BE WORTH THE WAIT!", Sauron was starting to get angry, his patience was waning fast. If he didn't receive his present soon.....well not only would he melt these two orcs but he'd also cancel this seasons strawberry picking out of spite. "There you go" a voice said in the back of his mind (or in this case retina), "that's why you got into Dark Lording...."
"What ho! Great eye we bring our gift!"
Gandalf and Bilbo came into view each rolling a wine barrel.
"WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS!"
They came to a stop in front of Sauron, "These are our gifts oh fiery one", said Gandalf rubbing his aching back Saurons eye narrowed, the flames darkened to blood-red and his obsidian pupil retracted in rage
"But don't melt us now", continued Gandalf with a certain amount of smugness, "Give our gift time to... shall we say.....sink in. Now Bilbo!" For a moment Bilbo was once again the courageous adventurer who had fought trolls, giant spiders and outsmarted a dragon. With a heave he hefted his barrel up to his shoulder before hurling it straight into Saurons eye. The barrel splintered on contact as the gaffers "home brew" splashed into the flames. No sooner had the Dark Lord said "AAAAAGH!", than Bilbo seized the remaining barrel and flung it at the bewildered eye. The liquid hissed into the fire dousing flames to mere flickers of their former selves.
"nooooooo.... look what you've done!", The great eye was now reduced to a hazy yellow ball, steam poured into the air and the obsidian pupil was now a small orange spark. Sauron tried to melt them...he really did. But all he managed to do was make Gandalf and Bilbo feel mildly warm.
"Oh... don't wine,,,", said Bilbo
"you will pay for this insult! you-"
"I don't think so", Gandalf cut him off, he scratched his beard triumphantly, "you see me and my friend must be leaving now.....we can see you have come down with some sort of... ale- meant", Gandalf was starting to enjoy himself..
"you wont get far! already my nazgul are on their way they will-"
"Come along Bilbo", they walked calmly towards the cellar leaving Sauron to ferment in his own anger.
"aaaaarrgghhh!"
"Lets hurry up Gandalf.... I can't beer this screaming"
Gandalf chuckled, "Well said Bilbo", They high fived.
Back inside the cellar, shadows danced in the silver light of a fully charged "super" palantir. "Alright now", Gandalf sat down and stared into its silvery mists. Bilbo stood opposite with fingers crossed. The wizard muttered to himself, his forehead lined with effort. Outside Sauron was still screaming profanity's. Suddenly the room was filled with a sucking noise followed by a white flash that near blinded Bilbo. Then he was shook off his feet. There was a loud smash as the palantir exploded into splinters of glass, Gandalf said "umph", as Bilbo careened into him, then all was silent.
Sauron was not happy. He had tried to make friends but alas it had all gone wrong as usual. Maybe, he considered, he was just not a "people person". The first Nazgul landed his dragon next to Sauron and dropped from his saddle with a metallic clank. He turned to regard the distressed looking eye.
"Masssster what hasss happened?"
"two thugs threw ale in my eye and teleported away inside a mound of dirt"
The Nazgul cast a glance across the spotless roof of Bara-dur as two more wraiths appeared and began to circle the tower. "Are youss feeling well massster?"
The great eye tried to flare in anger but only managed an ambiguous orange colour. The Nazgul looked confused. Sauron decided he wanted to be alone. "haven't you lot got a ring of power to find?"
The Nazgul knew when it was being dismissed and mounted his dragon. Sauron watched as the wraith lifted into the air to join its fellows. "oh! and-", Sauron shouted as the three Nazgul resumed their search, "this seasons strawberry picking is cancelled!"
The Nazgul, now three dots on the horizon hissed "Awwww....."
It wasn't much, Sauron knew... but it made him feel a little better.
Bilbo had closed his eyes. He was almost afraid to open the them. Where would he be now? Had they made it back to Hobbiton? Or was he now stuck in an even worse place....
There are not many worse places to be than Bara-dur tower, however these three locations come pretty close.....
The Dead Marshes - truly horrible The Barrow Downs - full of mist (the damp swirly kind) Bradford - truly horrible
One thing Bilbo was certain - he was no longer in the cellar. The cellar didn't have carpet. The carpet talked, "Get off my beard!" Bilbo sprang back up as Gandalf got to his feet with a groan. They were indeed back in the cellar. It was dark and familiarly cluttered. Shards of the broken palantir glowed like stars across the floor. "Did we make it back Gandalf?"
The wizard shrugged, "I tried to visualise Bag End, but the strain that put on the palantir was immense... maybe we completed the journey, maybe we didn't"
They both turned slowly to face the door. "On three", said Gandalf
Bilbo nodded. "One....two...three"
The cellar door opened slowly with much creaking to prolong the tension. Gandalf and Bilbo made sucking noises as they withheld their breath. The door continued opening. Gandalf and Bilbo continued holding their breath. The door opened some more....
"Wheeeeeeee!", Bilbo clapped
"Ho-ho-ho", chuckled Gandalf
They had arrived back at Bag End and just in time for the party.
Deep inside Bilbo's pocket the ring suddenly awoke. It had been having the nicest dream about being forged. Suddenly it remembered something important, a plan it had formed, a way to return to its master. Of course! That fool hobbit was probably even now cowering before the Dark Lord "Master I have returned to you!", no one answered. "Master it is your faithful ring....", why did he not answer?.... Unless... the fool of a hobbit was no longer on top of Bara-dur..... "Arse!" Ah well the ring thought... there would be other plans, other opportunities. Next time it must not fall asleep. The ring snuggled into the warm, fine cotton of Bilbo's pocket and drifted back to sleep. It dreamt of waffles....
THE END
Authors note: Right that's the first story down. I am intending to go right the way through the fellowship of the ring and I'll aim to update every week.
Next week - Its time to leave the Shire...but an ill fated party at Merry's pad threatens to ruin Frodo's quest before it's even begun!
Foreword..Ok this is the final part to the first tale. The last chapter closed with an ill timed comment from Bilbo, can Gandalf save the situation in time? Read on..
"They took my spoons" Part 3
Gandalf was at that moment overcome with a strong desire to disembowel Bilbo with a silver spoon. There was only one possible way to save the situation. The wizard looped his arm around Bilbo and playfully punched him on the arm, "ah he's just playing with ya Sauron, always the joker aren't you?"
he turned to Bilbo with a murderous glint in his eye.
"...yes", the confused hobbit said, "just joking"
Gandalf tried to keep a playful grin on his face as the eye narrowed somewhat. After several tense seconds of close scrutiny it started to laugh.
"HAHAHAHAHA"
"Ha...ha...ha"
"PRESENT MY GIFT THEN, AND YOU CAN GO MY FRIENDS"
"Gift?"
The eye began to narrow again. "ALL VISITORS ARE NOT TO ALLOWED TO LEAVE MY PRESENCE WITHOUT A GIFT!", the eye narrowed further, "BECAUSE OF THIS, I HAVE MELTED MANY FOOLISH ORCS!"
"Off course, right away... er wont be a minute. I left it behind that pile of dirt", said Gandalf, "so it would be more of a surprise"
The wizard backed slowly to the cellar under Saurons disapproving glare, "keep him occupied" he whispered to Bilbo on his way. The hobbit nodded and began telling an awful shire joke about a dwarf an elf and an Irish man. Meanwhile Gandalf crawled through Bilbo's escape room and picked up the "super" palantir. It had become a lighter colour with a few silvery strands wending their way through its depths. It looked a bit better.... it was no longer murky grey but Gandalf's wizard senses told him it needed a bit longer to charge. If only he could stall Sauron for a few more minutes. As it happened Bilbo seemed to be doing a good job of it as the dark lords laughter carried into the tunnel.
"HAHAHAHAHA"
"You're turn now", exclaimed Bilbo happily
"WEL, ER IM NOT TOO GOOD AT TELLING JOKES.."
Gandalf stopped listening and had an idea.... there was plenty of stuff in Bilbo's cellar, maybe he could find a suitable gift there and by the time he'd presented it the palantir would have re-charged. He scrambled with great difficulty up through the trap door and into the cellar. The Fire of Saurons eye allowed some light through the trap door and Gandalf was just able to make out his surroundings. He frowned, what in middle earth would be a suitable gift for a giant eye?
"SO THIS GUY CROSSES THE ROAD..."
Gandalf crawled on his hands and knee's desperately flinging aside various oddments including a rusty kettle, several weed pipes, a lump of mouldy cheese that smelled like old socks and a pair of old socks that smelled like mouldy cheese. He was beginning to panic, there was simply too much junk in here. None of it looked particularly useful to a fiery eye.
"AND....OH YES! HE SAYS: "WHY HAVE I CROSSED THE ROAD?"
"Aha!" Gandalf exclaimed, triumphantly brandishing a silver rimmed magnifying eyepiece. It came with a delicate silver chain so it could be worn as a monocle. Gandalf remembered Bilbo going through a brief phase where he wore the eyepiece all the time, however it had ended abruptly once he realised it made him look like a prat.
"TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE!"
This time Gandalf wisely used the cellar door which opened directly onto Bara dur tower (the door was deeply shocked at this).
"OH! AND THE GUY WAS A CHICKEN"
Bilbo made a feeble, choking laughter as Gandalf approached Sauron.
"OH MY GIFT! ABOUT TIME! IT JUST BETTER NOT BE ANOTHER ONE OF THOSE DAMNED EYEPEICES"
Gandalf froze.
"BECAUSE IF IT IS...", Saurons eye fixed him with a suspicious glare on Gandalf, "I WILL HAVE NO FURTHER OPTION BUT TO MELT YOU.....AND ER.... PARTIALLY MELT YOU'RE FRIEND!"
Gandalf looked at Bilbo. Bilbo looked at Gandalf. Sauron looked at both Gandalf and Bilbo. Eddie looked at Sauron. Once again the wizard had to think quickly. "Well.....", began Gandalf reluctantly, "I er..... hmmmm", suddenly an idea struck him (quite why this idea resorted to physical violence is unknown. Although it was probably to do with hormones.)
"Its just that I needed some help", Gandalf began with a bit more confidence, "you see.....its a very big present....two man job actually"
For a horrible moment Gandalf thought the eye would melt them.
".........OOOH A BIG PRESENT!", the Dark Lord crooned, "HURRY, GO AND GET IT YOU TWO!"
Bilbo sprang up and followed Gandalf around to the front of the cellar where they could use the door.
"BE QUICK THOUGH..", Sauron added darkly
They both quickened their pace. Gandalf rushed into the cellar, glanced at the palantir and groaned.
"What's up?" said Bilbo who had by now recovered from the initial fear/shock of a giant talking eye
composed of fire and was now happily relying on Gandalf to sort everything out.
"We're screwed", muttered the wizard
"What?"
"Look", Gandalf thrust the palantir in front of Bilbo's nose, "its not charged yet!"
"Oh....I thought we'd be escaping on eagles.....like usual"
"Not this time I am afraid", Gandalf put the palantir down and sank to his knees, "the only way we're getting out of this mess....which is entirely you're fault by the way! Is by using the palantir to teleport us back"
"but I don't know how to use it! Honestly Gandalf I remember having a nice cup of tea one minute and then I'm hear the next."
Gandalf muttered "riddles in the dark"
"What?"
"A wise istari like my myself should be able to bend the palantir to my will but it needs more ti-"
An ominous song reached their ears, "WHY ARE WE WAITING....WHY ARE WE WAITING..." Bilbo panicked, ran in circles around Gandalf and said things like "shit". Then, just as suddenly he stopped...... Bilbo had an idea...
"If we jumped off the tower do you think there's a chance we'd land on a haystack?"
Gandalf didn't answer. A smile slowly creased his wrinkled face. He'd had an idea too.... (The pair closed together and whispered frantically while the camera slowly pans outwards. What they were actually planning you do not find out. This is to add dramatic effect in the next scene)
"THIS BETTER BE WORTH THE WAIT!", Sauron was starting to get angry, his patience was waning fast. If he didn't receive his present soon.....well not only would he melt these two orcs but he'd also cancel this seasons strawberry picking out of spite. "There you go" a voice said in the back of his mind (or in this case retina), "that's why you got into Dark Lording...."
"What ho! Great eye we bring our gift!"
Gandalf and Bilbo came into view each rolling a wine barrel.
"WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS!"
They came to a stop in front of Sauron, "These are our gifts oh fiery one", said Gandalf rubbing his aching back Saurons eye narrowed, the flames darkened to blood-red and his obsidian pupil retracted in rage
"But don't melt us now", continued Gandalf with a certain amount of smugness, "Give our gift time to... shall we say.....sink in. Now Bilbo!" For a moment Bilbo was once again the courageous adventurer who had fought trolls, giant spiders and outsmarted a dragon. With a heave he hefted his barrel up to his shoulder before hurling it straight into Saurons eye. The barrel splintered on contact as the gaffers "home brew" splashed into the flames. No sooner had the Dark Lord said "AAAAAGH!", than Bilbo seized the remaining barrel and flung it at the bewildered eye. The liquid hissed into the fire dousing flames to mere flickers of their former selves.
"nooooooo.... look what you've done!", The great eye was now reduced to a hazy yellow ball, steam poured into the air and the obsidian pupil was now a small orange spark. Sauron tried to melt them...he really did. But all he managed to do was make Gandalf and Bilbo feel mildly warm.
"Oh... don't wine,,,", said Bilbo
"you will pay for this insult! you-"
"I don't think so", Gandalf cut him off, he scratched his beard triumphantly, "you see me and my friend must be leaving now.....we can see you have come down with some sort of... ale- meant", Gandalf was starting to enjoy himself..
"you wont get far! already my nazgul are on their way they will-"
"Come along Bilbo", they walked calmly towards the cellar leaving Sauron to ferment in his own anger.
"aaaaarrgghhh!"
"Lets hurry up Gandalf.... I can't beer this screaming"
Gandalf chuckled, "Well said Bilbo", They high fived.
Back inside the cellar, shadows danced in the silver light of a fully charged "super" palantir. "Alright now", Gandalf sat down and stared into its silvery mists. Bilbo stood opposite with fingers crossed. The wizard muttered to himself, his forehead lined with effort. Outside Sauron was still screaming profanity's. Suddenly the room was filled with a sucking noise followed by a white flash that near blinded Bilbo. Then he was shook off his feet. There was a loud smash as the palantir exploded into splinters of glass, Gandalf said "umph", as Bilbo careened into him, then all was silent.
Sauron was not happy. He had tried to make friends but alas it had all gone wrong as usual. Maybe, he considered, he was just not a "people person". The first Nazgul landed his dragon next to Sauron and dropped from his saddle with a metallic clank. He turned to regard the distressed looking eye.
"Masssster what hasss happened?"
"two thugs threw ale in my eye and teleported away inside a mound of dirt"
The Nazgul cast a glance across the spotless roof of Bara-dur as two more wraiths appeared and began to circle the tower. "Are youss feeling well massster?"
The great eye tried to flare in anger but only managed an ambiguous orange colour. The Nazgul looked confused. Sauron decided he wanted to be alone. "haven't you lot got a ring of power to find?"
The Nazgul knew when it was being dismissed and mounted his dragon. Sauron watched as the wraith lifted into the air to join its fellows. "oh! and-", Sauron shouted as the three Nazgul resumed their search, "this seasons strawberry picking is cancelled!"
The Nazgul, now three dots on the horizon hissed "Awwww....."
It wasn't much, Sauron knew... but it made him feel a little better.
Bilbo had closed his eyes. He was almost afraid to open the them. Where would he be now? Had they made it back to Hobbiton? Or was he now stuck in an even worse place....
There are not many worse places to be than Bara-dur tower, however these three locations come pretty close.....
The Dead Marshes - truly horrible The Barrow Downs - full of mist (the damp swirly kind) Bradford - truly horrible
One thing Bilbo was certain - he was no longer in the cellar. The cellar didn't have carpet. The carpet talked, "Get off my beard!" Bilbo sprang back up as Gandalf got to his feet with a groan. They were indeed back in the cellar. It was dark and familiarly cluttered. Shards of the broken palantir glowed like stars across the floor. "Did we make it back Gandalf?"
The wizard shrugged, "I tried to visualise Bag End, but the strain that put on the palantir was immense... maybe we completed the journey, maybe we didn't"
They both turned slowly to face the door. "On three", said Gandalf
Bilbo nodded. "One....two...three"
The cellar door opened slowly with much creaking to prolong the tension. Gandalf and Bilbo made sucking noises as they withheld their breath. The door continued opening. Gandalf and Bilbo continued holding their breath. The door opened some more....
"Wheeeeeeee!", Bilbo clapped
"Ho-ho-ho", chuckled Gandalf
They had arrived back at Bag End and just in time for the party.
Deep inside Bilbo's pocket the ring suddenly awoke. It had been having the nicest dream about being forged. Suddenly it remembered something important, a plan it had formed, a way to return to its master. Of course! That fool hobbit was probably even now cowering before the Dark Lord "Master I have returned to you!", no one answered. "Master it is your faithful ring....", why did he not answer?.... Unless... the fool of a hobbit was no longer on top of Bara-dur..... "Arse!" Ah well the ring thought... there would be other plans, other opportunities. Next time it must not fall asleep. The ring snuggled into the warm, fine cotton of Bilbo's pocket and drifted back to sleep. It dreamt of waffles....
THE END
Authors note: Right that's the first story down. I am intending to go right the way through the fellowship of the ring and I'll aim to update every week.
Next week - Its time to leave the Shire...but an ill fated party at Merry's pad threatens to ruin Frodo's quest before it's even begun!