Disclaimer: LOTR defiantly does not belong to me, however much I want it
to.
Foreword: Here's the final part to this long running tale. It's probably the longest chapter I've ever written, and possibly the silliest. Don't forget to tell me what you think. Enjoy.
"A Conspiracy Asked" Part 4
After visiting Fredegar they had asked several hobbits as to the current whereabouts of Merry and Pippin. Rumours spread quickly in the Shire and everyone had their own view or claimed to know something about their arrest, "I heard Pippin stabbed poor Maggot with a pitch fork!", "To be honest I say good riddance to those two! I always said they were bad'uns", "I saw Maggot yesterday, he was bruised black n' blue, those little bastards!"
It seemed his two friends were not held in the highest regard by most Shire folk, however Frodo didn't believe Merry and Pippin capable of GBH, petty theft, yes, indecent exposure, yes, but not Gross bodily harm! There must be another answer to this riddle Frodo thought, and if I can only talk to them maybe I'll find the answer. The day drifted by, just when the two hobbits were about to give up their search they bumped into a farmer who seemed familiar to Frodo.
"Ha! I know where they are. I arrested them!"
It was then that Frodo recognised that grim farmer from last night.
"And you'd be their two friends eh? Well I'll not be telling you where to find em! Those two are looking at ten years community service at least!"
"Community service?", Frodo spluttered
"Aye, they'd be doin stuff like seed planting, hoeing, radish picking..that sort of thing", a lazy smile widened his face.
"Aha! So you framed my two friends so that they would have to do your work for you!"
The big farmer sighed, then casually leaned forward to speak in Frodo's ear alone. "Aye, that be the truth of it. We used berry juice for Maggots bruises", he whispered smiling broadly all the while.
"You bastards", Frodo seethed, "I'm going to see them cleared!"
The farmer threw his head back and laughed, "Everyone knew your two friends stole from Maggot! Why would they believe you over us?"
Frodo had no answer to that so he boasted, "then I'll break them out myself!", (Mentally he replaced the word "myself" with "Sam")
"Ha! I haven't even told you where they are"
Frodo knew it was now time to use his jedi mind trick. "Where are my Friends?", he said calmly waving his hand in front of the farmer.
"In farmer Maggots Attic"
Back at Bag End all was quiet.. CRACK. Gandalf appeared by the fire place. He quickly looked around. "Hello? Anyone home?" No one answered. It was probably better this way, the wizard conceded to himself, after all he had just apparated without any explanation into the middle of Bag End. He lit the log fire and settled into Bilbo's favourite armchair. It was Frodo's home now, not Bilbo's. Strange how time flew by. The room gradually warmed, aware that he had just committed copy write infringement, the old wizard fell asleep.
While Gandalf slept, the day wore on, shadows lengthened as evening turned to dusk. Lights appeared in the windows of nearby holes as most hobbits settled in for the night. As the moon rose a cold breeze drifted through Hobbiton. Gandalf awoke before the scene could become any more foreboding. He had been having a worrisome dream in which he was being sued by a blond haired women. The wizard shivered. The room had grown cold and the fire had long since died to its last ember. Grunting he heaved himself up and went to poke at the fire when he heard voices outside. "At last", he muttered. Frodo had returned home. Gandalf quickly cast around wondering where he should be positioned. Wizards always had to maintain an air of mystery about them. It helped people to stay in awe of them, wizards always surprised people, never the other way around. Gandalf was not about to be discovered by a lowly hobbit fiddling in the hearth.
Frodo entered his dark hole (cough). It had been a trying day. He and Sam had trailed all the way to Maggots farm, only to find no sign of Merry and Pippin and no way into the house without attracting Farmer Maggots attention who was up and about, patrolling his fields looking as healthy as an old, flabby hobbit can. Frodo's exhaustion meant he had lost all apprehension of entering his empty hole (Ahem). Only it wasn't empty..
A large hand clamped his shoulder from behind. "Is it secret? Is it safe!" Frodo screamed like a girl. He whirled to find a scraggily white beard in close proximity.
"Gandalf!"
"Ho-ho-ho"
"You cockmuncher! I almost died of fright!"
"Ho-ho-ho"
Secretly though, Frodo was glad Gandalf was here, even if he had to endure the wizards sense of humour. The sudden rush of adrenalin that accompanies a shock meant Frodo could not sleep for a while, so he brewed two cups of tea while Gandalf explained his reasons for appearing.
"And how long did you're journey back here take?" Frodo asked out of politeness.
Gandalf mumbled something as Frodo set a steaming mug in front of him.
"Frodo, the reason I am here is that I sensed you could do with a bit of help"
Frodo sighed, "I do need you're help Gandalf, or rather Merry and Pippin do."
Frodo then explained the events of the last two days. Gandalf maintained his quiet in all this but once Frodo had finished he exclaimed, "Why on Arda do you want those two clowns with you?"
Frodo shrugged, "they might make good decoys somewhere along the line."
Gandalf nodded. "Very well, I will see what I can do tomorrow"
Early the next morning Gandalf finally led Frodo and Sam out of Bag End. It was an odd feeling Frodo considered, to be leaving the Shire, aside from Bilbo it was practically unheard of for hobbits to do so. Then again it would only be a short trip.
"Keep up Samwise!", Gandalf called
To explain quite why Sam is lagging behind here is this list of supplies the two hobbits had packed..
2 Frying pans carried by Sam 1 cooking pan and other utensils - Sam 15 Apples - Sam 10 Sausages - Sam 3 Rolls of bread - Sam 10 Sausages, eggs and rashers of bacon - Sam 1 party sausage - Frodo 5 blocks of cheese - Sam Sam's spare cloak and other clothing - Sam Frodo's spare cloak and other clothing - Sam 2 Pipes and modest amount of pipe weed - Sam Several skins of water and cooking oil - Sam Sleeping Bags - Sam Ambiguous frilly underwear - Sam Dirty Magazines - Sam Handkerchief - Frodo An interestingly shaped leaf Frodo had picked up - Sam A rock Frodo and Gandalf had put in Sam's rucksack for a laugh - Sam
"My friends are in the attic I think", said Frodo as he and Gandalf crouched stealthily behind a red berry bush. Farmer Maggots farm house lay in front of them like an impenetrable black fortress of doom (probably). Behind them Sam slumped against a tree, out of breath. "Samwise you really should get more exercise", said Gandalf. Sam nodded and promptly fell asleep. Frodo shook his head, Sam was a loyal friend but sometimes he was awfully lazy. After several minutes more studying the house Gandalf stood up, staff in hand. "I will try a summoning spell!", he exclaimed. Frodo scrambled out of the bush excitedly. The wizard turned to him, "stand back, young Frodo", he said flourishing his robes.
"What will this spell actually do Gandalf?"
"It will simply cause Merryiadoc and Peregrine to fly through that open window, there." He pointed with his staff, "and levitate down to us!"
"Great!", said Frodo brimming with anticipation, "Sam wake up! Gandalf's about to do magic!"
As Sam awoke, rubbing his eyes the wizard straightened, pointed his staff at the farm house and muttered "Accio hobbits!"
Everything was still. Frodo realised he was holding his breath. Nothing was happening. The two hobbits turned to regard Gandalf whose look of solid concentration could have been etched on stone. "I haven't done this in a long time", the wizard said through gritted teeth. Still the seconds rolled by. "Maybe he's forgotten how to do it!", Sam whispered as Frodo jumped aside, narrowly avoiding being crushed under a large second. Then something happened.
BOOM! The farm house exploded. Gandalf, Frodo and Sam jumped to the floor as fiery debris rained down. "I may have put a bit too much power on that." Gandalf muttered. Slowly the three companions recovered. Frodo got to his shaky feet and had to agree with Gandalf's statement. Nothing remained of farmer Maggots house but a few blackened bricks and the odd piece of wood still burning. Frodo threw up his hands. "Well that's just great Gandalf! You've killed Merry and Pippin!". To this Gandalf had no answer, they all just stared at the smoking remains. After some time Frodo stepped forward, "I will miss them... They were good friends", Frodo paused for a moment, thinking, "Well, they were friends at any rate"
Gandalf nodded soberly, "I may not have seen eye to eye with them (Gandalf had been partially blinded in one eye through Pippins laser pen) but deep down they were good hobbits. I will miss them"
Sam stepped forward, hand on heart.
"Merry and Pippin were two good men. Alas the incident with Pippins laser pen. Bane of farmers and running free. I remember the day they set fire to me. Merry and Pippin loved by all. Alas this early that they should fall."
Sam sat down shaking his head, "no that doesn't do them justice at all."
"Well I thought it was very nice!", said a bright voice from behind them
"Especially the "loved by all" bit"
"Y'know Pippin I'd say we owe Gandalf some thanks!"
Frodo turned and stared for a moment, incredulously at the two dishelved hobbits, soot blackened and looking a bit dazed but otherwise perfectly alive. Sam looked equally stunned and Gandalf looked from hobbits to the smoking ruins while his mouth worked soundlessly.
"How on Arda?", Frodo bellowed as he, Sam and even Gandalf leapt to hug them.
"Steady on!" Merry laughed through Frodo's cloak.
"Alright that's enough", said Pippin extricating himself from Sam. Gandalf contented himself with patting each hobbit as to check they were really there. "It looks like you're spell worked after all Gandalf. If with a few side effects."
Gandalf nodded and added gruffly "You didn't think I'd fail did you?"
Later that day four hobbits and a wizard reached the outskirts of Hobbiton. Frodo and Sam had shared out their provisions for Merry and Pippin (Sam had easily packed enough) and the two hobbits now wore Frodo and Sam's spare clothing instead of their own charred items. On the way Merry entertained them with tales of how they had been treated by their captors and how they had discovered Farmer Maggots plans to breed the "ultimate chicken" using cabbages. He told of how he and Pippin had managed to gather enough resources to create an explosive devise. The ingredients to which they would reveal to no one, no matter how hard Gandalf pressed them. "It was on one boring Sunday afternoon five years ago that we discovered it", said Merry, "We made a few tests - only little things, just sparks really. We were so proud of it we decided to surprise someone with it. Later that day some weirdo came into the Shire, what was her name again? Elveren?"
"Elveril", Pippin corrected.
"Oh yes! Anyway she was claiming to be Frodo's long lost half elven, half hobbit princess sister. So we gave her some of our mixture for a laugh and told her to light it. We thought it would be really funny to she the shock on her face when she did-"
Frodo had never heard this story before and was now quite interested. His half sister!
"The only problem was", Merry continued, "that we accidentally added something new to the mixture which made it far more potent. This Elveril tried it anyway and she was blown to bits, unfortunate but from that day on we realised how to make explosives"
Frodo was in a good mood, so much so that he was willing to dismiss the possibility that Merry and Pippin had blown up his long lost half sister.
"Anyway we planned to blow a small hole in the floor and escape that way. Only over potency had proved our weakness in the past and once again we underestimated. Luckily the moment Pippin lit the mixture Gandalf's spell magically transported us through the window."
"Ah", said Frodo, "so that's what happened!"
Between paragraphs Gandalf had acquired a horse and now trotted alongside the four hobbits with a meaningful look in his eyes. "I must leave you now!"
Frodo almost choked, "why Gandalf?"
"Because I must speak with the head of my order. This is attached to the body of the head of my order. He is wise and powerful.that sort of thing"
"But Gandalf we're just hobbits, we probably wont even survive the next chapter without you!"
However the wizard was fiddling with his reins and continued as if he hadn't heard. "Remember", he said gravely, "the enemy has many spies, birds, beasts, and possums. Be on you're guard, don't travel at night...and stay off the roads! Also Frodo, the ring is trying to get back to its master, never put it on!"
And with that he spurred his mount and disappeared into the trees.
"Damn", said Frodo
"Yeah he scared me too", said Sam
"No, its not that. I've forgotten the ring."
The End.
Next time: Tom Bombadil (probably)
Foreword: Here's the final part to this long running tale. It's probably the longest chapter I've ever written, and possibly the silliest. Don't forget to tell me what you think. Enjoy.
"A Conspiracy Asked" Part 4
After visiting Fredegar they had asked several hobbits as to the current whereabouts of Merry and Pippin. Rumours spread quickly in the Shire and everyone had their own view or claimed to know something about their arrest, "I heard Pippin stabbed poor Maggot with a pitch fork!", "To be honest I say good riddance to those two! I always said they were bad'uns", "I saw Maggot yesterday, he was bruised black n' blue, those little bastards!"
It seemed his two friends were not held in the highest regard by most Shire folk, however Frodo didn't believe Merry and Pippin capable of GBH, petty theft, yes, indecent exposure, yes, but not Gross bodily harm! There must be another answer to this riddle Frodo thought, and if I can only talk to them maybe I'll find the answer. The day drifted by, just when the two hobbits were about to give up their search they bumped into a farmer who seemed familiar to Frodo.
"Ha! I know where they are. I arrested them!"
It was then that Frodo recognised that grim farmer from last night.
"And you'd be their two friends eh? Well I'll not be telling you where to find em! Those two are looking at ten years community service at least!"
"Community service?", Frodo spluttered
"Aye, they'd be doin stuff like seed planting, hoeing, radish picking..that sort of thing", a lazy smile widened his face.
"Aha! So you framed my two friends so that they would have to do your work for you!"
The big farmer sighed, then casually leaned forward to speak in Frodo's ear alone. "Aye, that be the truth of it. We used berry juice for Maggots bruises", he whispered smiling broadly all the while.
"You bastards", Frodo seethed, "I'm going to see them cleared!"
The farmer threw his head back and laughed, "Everyone knew your two friends stole from Maggot! Why would they believe you over us?"
Frodo had no answer to that so he boasted, "then I'll break them out myself!", (Mentally he replaced the word "myself" with "Sam")
"Ha! I haven't even told you where they are"
Frodo knew it was now time to use his jedi mind trick. "Where are my Friends?", he said calmly waving his hand in front of the farmer.
"In farmer Maggots Attic"
Back at Bag End all was quiet.. CRACK. Gandalf appeared by the fire place. He quickly looked around. "Hello? Anyone home?" No one answered. It was probably better this way, the wizard conceded to himself, after all he had just apparated without any explanation into the middle of Bag End. He lit the log fire and settled into Bilbo's favourite armchair. It was Frodo's home now, not Bilbo's. Strange how time flew by. The room gradually warmed, aware that he had just committed copy write infringement, the old wizard fell asleep.
While Gandalf slept, the day wore on, shadows lengthened as evening turned to dusk. Lights appeared in the windows of nearby holes as most hobbits settled in for the night. As the moon rose a cold breeze drifted through Hobbiton. Gandalf awoke before the scene could become any more foreboding. He had been having a worrisome dream in which he was being sued by a blond haired women. The wizard shivered. The room had grown cold and the fire had long since died to its last ember. Grunting he heaved himself up and went to poke at the fire when he heard voices outside. "At last", he muttered. Frodo had returned home. Gandalf quickly cast around wondering where he should be positioned. Wizards always had to maintain an air of mystery about them. It helped people to stay in awe of them, wizards always surprised people, never the other way around. Gandalf was not about to be discovered by a lowly hobbit fiddling in the hearth.
Frodo entered his dark hole (cough). It had been a trying day. He and Sam had trailed all the way to Maggots farm, only to find no sign of Merry and Pippin and no way into the house without attracting Farmer Maggots attention who was up and about, patrolling his fields looking as healthy as an old, flabby hobbit can. Frodo's exhaustion meant he had lost all apprehension of entering his empty hole (Ahem). Only it wasn't empty..
A large hand clamped his shoulder from behind. "Is it secret? Is it safe!" Frodo screamed like a girl. He whirled to find a scraggily white beard in close proximity.
"Gandalf!"
"Ho-ho-ho"
"You cockmuncher! I almost died of fright!"
"Ho-ho-ho"
Secretly though, Frodo was glad Gandalf was here, even if he had to endure the wizards sense of humour. The sudden rush of adrenalin that accompanies a shock meant Frodo could not sleep for a while, so he brewed two cups of tea while Gandalf explained his reasons for appearing.
"And how long did you're journey back here take?" Frodo asked out of politeness.
Gandalf mumbled something as Frodo set a steaming mug in front of him.
"Frodo, the reason I am here is that I sensed you could do with a bit of help"
Frodo sighed, "I do need you're help Gandalf, or rather Merry and Pippin do."
Frodo then explained the events of the last two days. Gandalf maintained his quiet in all this but once Frodo had finished he exclaimed, "Why on Arda do you want those two clowns with you?"
Frodo shrugged, "they might make good decoys somewhere along the line."
Gandalf nodded. "Very well, I will see what I can do tomorrow"
Early the next morning Gandalf finally led Frodo and Sam out of Bag End. It was an odd feeling Frodo considered, to be leaving the Shire, aside from Bilbo it was practically unheard of for hobbits to do so. Then again it would only be a short trip.
"Keep up Samwise!", Gandalf called
To explain quite why Sam is lagging behind here is this list of supplies the two hobbits had packed..
2 Frying pans carried by Sam 1 cooking pan and other utensils - Sam 15 Apples - Sam 10 Sausages - Sam 3 Rolls of bread - Sam 10 Sausages, eggs and rashers of bacon - Sam 1 party sausage - Frodo 5 blocks of cheese - Sam Sam's spare cloak and other clothing - Sam Frodo's spare cloak and other clothing - Sam 2 Pipes and modest amount of pipe weed - Sam Several skins of water and cooking oil - Sam Sleeping Bags - Sam Ambiguous frilly underwear - Sam Dirty Magazines - Sam Handkerchief - Frodo An interestingly shaped leaf Frodo had picked up - Sam A rock Frodo and Gandalf had put in Sam's rucksack for a laugh - Sam
"My friends are in the attic I think", said Frodo as he and Gandalf crouched stealthily behind a red berry bush. Farmer Maggots farm house lay in front of them like an impenetrable black fortress of doom (probably). Behind them Sam slumped against a tree, out of breath. "Samwise you really should get more exercise", said Gandalf. Sam nodded and promptly fell asleep. Frodo shook his head, Sam was a loyal friend but sometimes he was awfully lazy. After several minutes more studying the house Gandalf stood up, staff in hand. "I will try a summoning spell!", he exclaimed. Frodo scrambled out of the bush excitedly. The wizard turned to him, "stand back, young Frodo", he said flourishing his robes.
"What will this spell actually do Gandalf?"
"It will simply cause Merryiadoc and Peregrine to fly through that open window, there." He pointed with his staff, "and levitate down to us!"
"Great!", said Frodo brimming with anticipation, "Sam wake up! Gandalf's about to do magic!"
As Sam awoke, rubbing his eyes the wizard straightened, pointed his staff at the farm house and muttered "Accio hobbits!"
Everything was still. Frodo realised he was holding his breath. Nothing was happening. The two hobbits turned to regard Gandalf whose look of solid concentration could have been etched on stone. "I haven't done this in a long time", the wizard said through gritted teeth. Still the seconds rolled by. "Maybe he's forgotten how to do it!", Sam whispered as Frodo jumped aside, narrowly avoiding being crushed under a large second. Then something happened.
BOOM! The farm house exploded. Gandalf, Frodo and Sam jumped to the floor as fiery debris rained down. "I may have put a bit too much power on that." Gandalf muttered. Slowly the three companions recovered. Frodo got to his shaky feet and had to agree with Gandalf's statement. Nothing remained of farmer Maggots house but a few blackened bricks and the odd piece of wood still burning. Frodo threw up his hands. "Well that's just great Gandalf! You've killed Merry and Pippin!". To this Gandalf had no answer, they all just stared at the smoking remains. After some time Frodo stepped forward, "I will miss them... They were good friends", Frodo paused for a moment, thinking, "Well, they were friends at any rate"
Gandalf nodded soberly, "I may not have seen eye to eye with them (Gandalf had been partially blinded in one eye through Pippins laser pen) but deep down they were good hobbits. I will miss them"
Sam stepped forward, hand on heart.
"Merry and Pippin were two good men. Alas the incident with Pippins laser pen. Bane of farmers and running free. I remember the day they set fire to me. Merry and Pippin loved by all. Alas this early that they should fall."
Sam sat down shaking his head, "no that doesn't do them justice at all."
"Well I thought it was very nice!", said a bright voice from behind them
"Especially the "loved by all" bit"
"Y'know Pippin I'd say we owe Gandalf some thanks!"
Frodo turned and stared for a moment, incredulously at the two dishelved hobbits, soot blackened and looking a bit dazed but otherwise perfectly alive. Sam looked equally stunned and Gandalf looked from hobbits to the smoking ruins while his mouth worked soundlessly.
"How on Arda?", Frodo bellowed as he, Sam and even Gandalf leapt to hug them.
"Steady on!" Merry laughed through Frodo's cloak.
"Alright that's enough", said Pippin extricating himself from Sam. Gandalf contented himself with patting each hobbit as to check they were really there. "It looks like you're spell worked after all Gandalf. If with a few side effects."
Gandalf nodded and added gruffly "You didn't think I'd fail did you?"
Later that day four hobbits and a wizard reached the outskirts of Hobbiton. Frodo and Sam had shared out their provisions for Merry and Pippin (Sam had easily packed enough) and the two hobbits now wore Frodo and Sam's spare clothing instead of their own charred items. On the way Merry entertained them with tales of how they had been treated by their captors and how they had discovered Farmer Maggots plans to breed the "ultimate chicken" using cabbages. He told of how he and Pippin had managed to gather enough resources to create an explosive devise. The ingredients to which they would reveal to no one, no matter how hard Gandalf pressed them. "It was on one boring Sunday afternoon five years ago that we discovered it", said Merry, "We made a few tests - only little things, just sparks really. We were so proud of it we decided to surprise someone with it. Later that day some weirdo came into the Shire, what was her name again? Elveren?"
"Elveril", Pippin corrected.
"Oh yes! Anyway she was claiming to be Frodo's long lost half elven, half hobbit princess sister. So we gave her some of our mixture for a laugh and told her to light it. We thought it would be really funny to she the shock on her face when she did-"
Frodo had never heard this story before and was now quite interested. His half sister!
"The only problem was", Merry continued, "that we accidentally added something new to the mixture which made it far more potent. This Elveril tried it anyway and she was blown to bits, unfortunate but from that day on we realised how to make explosives"
Frodo was in a good mood, so much so that he was willing to dismiss the possibility that Merry and Pippin had blown up his long lost half sister.
"Anyway we planned to blow a small hole in the floor and escape that way. Only over potency had proved our weakness in the past and once again we underestimated. Luckily the moment Pippin lit the mixture Gandalf's spell magically transported us through the window."
"Ah", said Frodo, "so that's what happened!"
Between paragraphs Gandalf had acquired a horse and now trotted alongside the four hobbits with a meaningful look in his eyes. "I must leave you now!"
Frodo almost choked, "why Gandalf?"
"Because I must speak with the head of my order. This is attached to the body of the head of my order. He is wise and powerful.that sort of thing"
"But Gandalf we're just hobbits, we probably wont even survive the next chapter without you!"
However the wizard was fiddling with his reins and continued as if he hadn't heard. "Remember", he said gravely, "the enemy has many spies, birds, beasts, and possums. Be on you're guard, don't travel at night...and stay off the roads! Also Frodo, the ring is trying to get back to its master, never put it on!"
And with that he spurred his mount and disappeared into the trees.
"Damn", said Frodo
"Yeah he scared me too", said Sam
"No, its not that. I've forgotten the ring."
The End.
Next time: Tom Bombadil (probably)