The Illustration Trilogy

Part 1 - Can't Wait to Love You (Chris Jericho/Trish Stratus)

Rating: PG13 for language, and later mildly sexual scenes.

Time Frame: None, really, though there are references and mentions of 2002. No current storylines that the characters are in play a part in this fiction.

Disclaimer: The characters are all property of the WWE. The actors are property of themselves.

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          "Wh… what?" Lita looked at me dumbfounded, like she hadn't known what I just said, or she just didn't want to believe it. I laid my forehead back down on the table, and curled my arms around my waist, holding them tightly to me, underneath the counter.

          "Trish… what did you say?" The cold chills running over the surface of my body now seemed to soak into me through my skin. I felt so cold, and yet so hot at the same time. I felt like the words that had just left my mouth had killed me in the process.

          "You heard me, Li, I know you did, don't make me say it again, I don't know if I can, it hurts too much, just believe me." Everything I thought just poured through my lips in a jumbled mass of words; everything in one sentence. I couldn't even tell if I'd spoken loud enough for her to hear me. I shook my head while it rested on the countertop, trying to block out everything, trying to sink through myself, through the floor, out of that bar, and out of my own head.

          I couldn't look up, but I felt Lita's eyes intensely burning on my back, in disbelief of what I'd just said. "What Chris are we talking about here?" Her voice demanded an answer, breathed in what I could only describe as stupefaction.

          "'Cause seriously, Trish… if the Chris you speak of is… um…" She cleared her throat before continuing, her voice catching air between words. "Is, uh… well…"

          I looked up at her, my eyes glassed, blurred, fogged over so much I could barely see, and my heart racing faster than my speeding thoughts, and said in the most serious voice I could manage between tears and whimpers, "Jericho… Li, Chris Jericho."

          Li bolted up, and stood over me, eyes wide with consternation, and flared her arms out at her sides. "Trish, wha-… with all do respect, have you lost your fucking mind?! Do you know what you are saying to me?"

          I turned around on the bar stool, and attempted to stand, but quickly realized that my knees were so weak I couldn't begin to support myself. I took a deep breath, wiping the back of my hand across my eyes one at a time, and pointed in Chris' direction, where he sat with Stacy.

          "See that man right there?" I stated plainly and directly. I turned to face Lita, my eyes again welling up with tears. I cautiously tried to stand up again, grasping onto the end of the counter for leverage. I brought my face close to Lita's, and looked her straight in the eyes. I could only whisper to her. "Lita…. I'm in love with him."

          In her face, in her reaction, I could see that for the first time since I began, she had taken my words seriously. She still looked so confused, but for the most part, just awed. She grabbed hold of my shoulders, and sat me back on the stool. I brought both my palms to my forehead, trying to regain control of myself, wiping the sweat from my head.

          I fully expected Lita to start pummeling me with 'why's and 'how's… but she started with "how long?" I could hardly reply to that…

          "Oh, way longer than you'd expect… it's been…" I took a deep breath, and kept my head faced downward from her. "Li… let me just tell you, it's been… a long time."

          Lita didn't continue with her questioning, she just slid an arm around my waist and pulled me back up, helping me out the door. I couldn't leave without one last look at him… I turned my head and just stared at Chris as we hurried out of the bar, waiting until we were outside to shed more tears.

          When we got back to the hotel, I explained everything to Lita. I had already said too much by just admitting my feelings for him, I had no choice now but to explain it to her. I told her of everything that happened that night, most through unstable words and dark tears.

          I told her how the look in his eyes, and his warmth in that fatal cold, and the serenity in his voice as he spoke… how they all changed me. How everything he'd done up to that point didn't matter to me anymore, and I just couldn't change back.

          As I recalled the place, the day, the hour, the whole past, something occurred to me. It was my own fault I had fallen in love with him, nothing he did.

          I walked out of that building at just the right time. It could have been anyone else. I could have waited ten minutes more. It wasn't his choice, it was nothing he saw in me that let me be the one with him that night. It was nothing about either of us. I was just in the right place at the right time.

          I let it get to me. I let that whole night get to me, and he didn't. That was why I fell in love, and he could go on being himself, thinking nothing of it. Nothing of anything. Nothing of the magic that undoubtedly circled the two of us… the magic that only I felt.

          Lita sat next to me on her bed, and handed me a damp washcloth as we talked. It seemed like there were a whole mess of questions backed in her mind that she couldn't speak.

          "Thanks, Li." I whispered, taking the cloth from her hand and dabbing it over my cheeks and forehead. "You know, I feel like an idiot. I'm not usually so weak."

          Lita laughed. "Weak? Honey, you're one of the toughest girls I know. I don't even compare to you in that ring, and you've always handled emotional situations better than me." For the most part, that was true. Li usually did a good job of hiding herself from others, but she'd break if she couldn't take something. I'd kept this bottled for almost two years without a single breakdown in front of anyone.

          "Then why do I feel so insanely weak now? I just told you something I've been dying to get out since the beginning. Finally I told you, and I'm supposed to feel better… but I guess now that I'm not just keeping it to myself anymore, I can't just ignore it like I've been doing."

          Lita scooted closer to me and put a hand on my shoulder. She smiled at me; a sort of sympathetic smile that on it's own told me 'everything will be okay'. She brushed my hair back, and said, "You're still going to be shaken up. Telling me doesn't solve it, but I swear I will do my damnedest to help you. I'm so glad you told me, Trish, because it has been eating me up inside trying to figure out what's been wrong with you without forcing it out. I've been worried, sweetie… really worried. I've never seen you act like that before… you've been so isolated and distant. It killed me. I… still can't believe that Chris, of all people, is the one that's done this to you. It was like you were in another world, and I've been seriously mentally scared for you."

          She started to well up with tears herself. I almost couldn't imagine why I had kept this from her. She out of anyone deserved to know. She had been my best friend for years, and I've never tried hiding something so serious from her. I had more reasons than one not to tell her, though. I had to keep what was left of my sanity, and I actually doubted telling her was a good thing to do. She leaned over to hug me, and I more than willingly returned that act of friendship, but I felt more worried for myself after telling her than I had before.

          "I didn't think Chris could do this to me either. Well, I did it to myself but… Chris made me so, ugh… I don't even know what I am trying to say… I've asked myself, and God, and everyone 'why' so many times." I broke away from Lita and wiped my eyes again, trying to gather enough strength to keep them back for the rest of the night. "We have a show tomorrow, I can't stay focused on this, Li…"

          "It's alright, Trish." She nodded. "You've done a hell of a job centering yourself on all of the other show's you've done through this."

          I nodded with her. I had been able to focus on my matches and work well since it happened. It was when I was alone or around him that I'd fall apart inside.

          "But still… Chris," she said, "I can't believe it's Chris. "

          "After two years… neither can I. Neither can I." I took a deep breath and continued, "And the worst part is, Li… he'll never know. I'll have to keep going like this until it wears off, and I'm sure it will someday. Probably a lot longer after he's been with Stacy. I wouldn't be able to tell him now anyway. I love that girl, I couldn't do that to her."

          "Trish, I don't think you could do that to yourself. If you love him as much as you say you do, and it hurt so much just telling me… imagine telling him. Especially since he has absolutely no idea."

          "You're right," I said, taking another deep breath and pressing the still-damp cloth so tight to my forehead that water soaked out of it and ran down my face. "And it's been so long, he probably forgot. I'm lingering on something that will never be more that a dream. The only time I had ever considered telling him was a few days after it happened, but I couldn't even do that. If I had been able to, I wouldn't be stuck like this. If I had just told him then… maybe he wouldn't be with Stacy, maybe…"

          My hope of being able to keep the tears back failed as I blinked and streams fell from both my eyes, mixing with the water that drained from the washcloth. I lifted up my shirt and wiped my face in the dry fabric before pulling it down again.

          "Sweetie, I… hate to say it, but I think he'd still be with Stacy. I mean… Trish, he went right back to being the jerk he's always been after that one… one night. You didn't know that you'd fall for him, and neither did he."

          The truth in what she said broke my heart. Of course he hadn't known. He wasn't trying to get me to fall in love with him by taking me out. Like I'd told myself over and over, it could have been anyone. If I had been a little late in getting out of my match, if that arena wasn't so fucking cold, if I had gone back to the locker room first… I could have walked to that parking garage and he probably wouldn't have even been there.

          "Lita… I don't want to love him anymore. I don't want to, I never have wanted to." I swallowed hard and ducked my head into both my palms. "Ever since it happened, I've been trying to force the feelings out of myself. I don't want them to be there… I want to get on with my life, be able to look at him without remembering Erie and our walk. Jesus, it wasn't even 20 minutes… how can you fall in love with someone you used to hate, in less than 20 minutes? I'm so stupid. Damnit!"

          Immediately, Lita countered my words. "Trish, you are not stupid! Don't ever say that again. Ever! You didn't know. You didn't do this, no one did this! As ridiculous as even I find it that you fell in love with Chris Jericho… I can't blame you, because you didn't ask for it. You're not stupid, and… love doesn't have rules. 20 minutes, two years, an entire lifetime, it doesn't matter… it happened. There's nothing you could do to stop it… and that sure as hell does not make you stupid."

          We sat in silence for the next few minutes. Everything she said sank into me. It all made sense, but it still didn't explain why it happened to me, and why after so long, I still felt like this. It showed no signs of stopping, and with Stacy in the mix now, jealousy only made me want him more, and regret that night more.

          I gave Li a final, long hug. An embrace saying everything I couldn't put into words about thankfulness and love and appreciation. "Lita, I… am glad I told you. You never let me down… thank you."

          "Not a problem, sweetie. Anytime you need me, I'm here, okay? Just get some rest now. You've had a long day. We can talk about this later."

          I nodded, stood up, and took the washcloth to the bathroom, throwing it in the sink. I didn't bother taking a shower; I was so exhausted. I changed my clothes and went straight to my bed. Not long after, Lita got changed, turned out the lights to our room, and retired to her own bed.

          "Night, Trish. Sweet dreams, honey, I'll see you in the morning."

          "Good night, Li…" I said, turning over to face the open window of our apartment, looking into the city skyline. I still couldn't fall asleep until a few hours later.