The Illustration Trilogy
Part 1 - Can't Wait to Love You (Chris Jericho/Trish Stratus)
Rating: PG13 for language, and later mildly sexual scenes.
Time Frame: None, really, though there are references and mentions of 2002. No current storylines that the characters are in play a part in this fiction.
Disclaimer: The characters are all property of the WWE. The actors are property of themselves.
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"You don't love her. You don't. You can't." My teeth were gritted and I put the most intense, burning leer in my eyes. I wanted him to feel every single god damned emotion I had felt the past two years, just by looking at me. I wanted to burn into him exactly what he had into me. I wanted all of the pain in me to soak out and into him through my eyes. I wanted it to kill him, like it had me for so long.
I was breathing so heavily, I wondered if he had even heard what I was saying. I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes; it was already getting hard to see. My face was beginning to feel flush, and the rest of my body was numb as hell, I could have collapsed right there and not even known it. The only thing I could feel in me was the weakness in my legs, and how fast and hard my heart was pounding.
I was cursing myself inside my head. I knew this was so wrong. Everything was so wrong. I shouldn't have even been there, but I already started talking. If I was going to turn back and run, it was too late now. It was too late for me to save myself from what I'd been hiding from; rejection, or anything else. I didn't even know exactly what I was afraid of, I was just scared to death of him, how he made me feel, how he looked at me and spoke to me and, God… it was just too late.
"Wh-… what?" His eyes were squinted questioningly, and his brows were furrowed. A look of utter confusion masked him from me, what I'd really wanted to see in him, what I was trying to get out of him. His hand was still on the doorknob, and his lips were parted just the slightest bit.
"You heard me. You don't love her." I shook my head at him slowly, my eyes were connected with his, unwavering. I tried to hold back the blinking, afraid I would lose him if I lost eye contact. I had him right where I wanted him, and I would make him see it all right then if I had to, in any way I had to.
If he didn't love me with that beautiful look in his eyes, he couldn't love her… I wouldn't let him.
He was silent for a few moments. The air around us was silent; nothing made a sound but our breathing. My heart was pounding so heavily in my chest, I couldn't catch my breath at all. I couldn't swallow, I couldn't gather myself or any of my emotions. I felt ready to be killed then, in that silence.
"Trish, I know you're Stacy's friend, and… and I know you want to protect her and all but listen, I-"
"No, I'm not trying to protect her." I had to interrupt him. He had completely the wrong idea, and I could tell he was a bit scared of me because of the deep tone in my voice, but… I wouldn't let him talk… he couldn't mention Stacy. He couldn't mention loving her because I knew he didn't.
"Then what the hell are you here for? I'm not going to hurt Stacy or anything if that's what you're worried about!" He threw his arms out by his sides. That was all I had time to catch before I had to close my eyes. I shook my head furiously and lowered my gaze to the ground between our feet. I couldn't listen to anything he had to say, and I couldn't calm my breathing, I couldn't focus, I couldn't do anything. Nothing, but deny everything I was hearing and everything in my head.
"No, Chris, you don't get it!! Stacy… this isn't about Stacy, it's not! You don't love her. You can't… you can't…" I could feel my heart catch in my throat, pounding so hard it was painful. I felt like my chest was on fire. It was like I wasn't alive, or everything I felt right then was part of a dream.
"Yes, I can. I do." The seriousness in his voice when he said that shattered me. It kept echoing in my head, paining me more inside every time I heard it. God, I wished I hadn't been there. I wished I hadn't heard that.
Hearing those words, I felt my whole body go limp, and the only way I could steady myself was to cling to the wall. Blinking rapidly to hold the tears in my eyes back, I looked back up at him, raising my head slowly. He looked right into my eyes, the sincerity in every word he spoke evident. That alone broke my heart in two. He really did love her…
I shook my head at thinking that, my eyes fluttering shut. He stood in the doorway watching me as I disintegrated myself, as I killed myself with thoughts. I just managed to mouth "no".
Swallowing deeply, I managed to gather the last bit of energy in me and confidently look up at him, into his eyes, keeping the tears back. "Say it then." I kept a straight face, focused on his eyes, while anger and defeat shone in mine. "Look into my eyes, and tell me you love her. Say it."
He looked away for a brief moment. I could tell he was as concerned as he was confused, and as emotionally wrecked as I was. He quickly turned toward me, locking his eyes on mine, narrow but open. Taking a half step forward, and he said in the most honest and serious voice I'd ever heard him talk in, "I love Stacy."
Losing control of my body and every single fiber inside me, I clutched onto the front of his shirt. Gripping as tightly onto the fabric as I could with both hands, I twisted and balled them into fists, shaking and trembling as I let go of myself, my nerve, every ounce of self-control I had.
I took a few steps so that I was right against him, and with all the force I had, pushed him backwards so that both of us came crashing to the floor inside his room. I had him pinned, and I climbed over his chest on my hands and knees until my face was straight over his. My hair pooled over the sides of his cheeks and neck, just touching his skin. I looked into him, trapping him, giving up everything inside of me while I kept my eyes on his. A narrow, almost disgusted look in my eyes, I just shook my head again, refusing to believe what I was hearing.
"No…. you don't." Instinct wouldn't allow me to hold back anymore. I felt like a ghost inside myself, with no control whatsoever over my actions. I leaned in and crushed my mouth against his, delivering the most passionate, intense, lusty kiss I could manage. I had no idea what I was doing, and I knew full well I wasn't right in doing so, but I wouldn't stop until he pushed me away. Lita said it herself… 'love doesn't have rules".
I fisted his hair above his head as I practically took advantage of his mouth. I felt so horrible, but for some reason I couldn't stop. All of the denial and anger I held pent up resulted in this, and if I was never going to have him, if he was just fated to be with Stacy and not me, fate was going to have to deal with my jealousy.
The moment my lips touched his, I knew he didn't love me. I knew it. There was no spark, no electricity, no chemistry at all. He didn't kiss me back. He didn't refuse my kiss or push me away from him, but he didn't kiss back, because he loved Stacy. I knew that right away, and yet as hard as I tried to pull myself from him and stop the madness I was displaying to Chris and to myself, I couldn't.
Tears escaped my eyes, sticking to my eyelashes like dew to a blade of grass. I felt no use trying to hold them back this time. I'd ruined everything else for myself just by being here, by not using common sense and turning back when I had the chance. It couldn't possibly get any worse by crying. The tears streamed hot and sticky down my cheeks, falling beneath me onto his face. Nothing mattered, nothing, so I didn't try to stop myself.
When I finally needed to stop for breath, I pulled my lips from his, and he seemed desperate, not to force me away, but to calm me down and figure out why I was doing this. He took the time I allowed him by catching my breath to try holding me back and getting an explanation. His eyes were so wide, seemingly out of fright, or confusion, or disbelief, worry, any of those things were possible.
"Trish, wai-," he began, but I wouldn't let him get much more out. The distance between our lips vanished again, and more tears sprung from my eyes. I kept asking myself inside my head what the hell I was doing. I was causing more pain to myself doing this to him than I had beforehand. I felt so lost and scared, the only option I felt I had was to stay there, just continue while God knows what Chris was thinking.
I started crying so hard I couldn't even kiss him anymore, which was sort of a relief to me, because I had no right to be doing that in the first place. I felt so unlike myself, so lost, so worried, confused at my own actions and why I was there. I had nothing to accomplish, no good could have possibly come from that.
I pushed myself away from him, recoiling at his side. I sat on the floor, and ducked my head between my knees. I just let loose everything in me; the frustration and anger was too much to handle. My whimpering and crying started to erupt coughs, and I made it so hard for myself to breathe. Phlegm mixed around in my throat, and the tears soaked my palms as they dripped like rainwater from my eyes. I felt so out of place, so hopeless. Almost dead, but not quite dead enough for me to be happy.
"Just kill me," I said, but my voice was muffled enough by the whimpering and my hands covering my face that I'm sure he hadn't heard it. I almost screamed, not at Chris, not at anyone in particular. I just wanted out.
I went through everything in my mind, everything that had just happened. It all appeared randomly and out of sequence. I considered just running out the door and back to my own room, but I couldn't run anymore, and I felt like if I stood up I would just collapse on the floor. I refused to even open my eyes for fear of what I'd see. I was still hoping it would all turn out to be a horrible nightmare.
I felt his palm on my shoulder, but I shook my head at any contact, trying to cry myself out, perhaps to sleep or something. I threw back my head and bit my lips together, attempting to hold back any more wailing or sniffling. I had been possessed, that was the only logical conclusion I could come to.
"Trish, what's going on? Tell me, come on… talk," Chris said to me. He said it in the same voice he'd spoken to me with in December, but this time more forcefully and demanding. His hand ran up and down my arm, trying to relax me and calm me down. It was hardly any use. I didn't want to be there, I didn't want him anywhere near me. I wanted both of us to forget I had even stopped in the doorway.
"Shh… calm down… Trish, wh-… what was that??" He turned his body around to face me, and he pulled my hands from my face, thumbing my palms and bringing them to his lap. "You're alright, come on…"
I felt his palm on my cheek, his fingers gently sweeping the remaining tears from my eyes. His skin felt cold on mine, though it was still warm. My face was so hot, his touch felt like cold needles. I kept shaking my head at whatever he spoke. I could hardly listen. I kept telling myself he wasn't there, wishing for it to all be over. I had gone absolutely crazy in my eyes, and I lost more than I had bargained for by being there. I wasn't planning on doing this. I wasn't going to ruin him and Stacy. I wasn't going to kiss him, I wasn't.
"Talk to me, Trish, what's going on?" I could still hear the shock and worry in his voice. He kept pleading for me to talk, but I had no idea what to say. I couldn't explain myself. I had no excuses, and now, after what I'd just done, I certainly couldn't confess anything to him. Nothing. It wouldn't work. I just wanted it to end. I literally, for the first time in my life, wanted to die.
He sat next to me, facing the opposite direction, whispering to me and coaxing me, just trying to get me calm. It almost started working before I began crying again. I felt so childish, so immature, unable to handle myself. Being there was the most difficult thing I had ever been faced with.
"Oh, Trish… come on… shh, there's no need for this." He seemed sorry for me, and I was actually willing to accept his pity. I could tell with every breath he took that he was more frightened by me with what I'd done right there than anything I'd ever said or done before.
I could tell he was just as scared as I was. He wanted answers, and he felt both violated and concerned. He seemed not to know what to do. He handled himself and that situation so much better than I ever could have. He didn't reject me and kick me out because I had kissed him out of no where, forced myself on him, invaded his room and demanded things from him that he normally would have done more than shake a fist at.
I stayed there on the floor, rocking back and forth in a desperate attempt to wreck my train of thought and bring myself back to life, out of that awful mindset I was in. Chris stayed next to me, trying to get me to say something. I figured he wanted an apology, but I didn't know if I was strong enough to give him one.
I could tell he was upset, and continually shocked at what had taken place, but more than anything he just wanted me to stop crying. He wanted an explanation, and for some reason I felt like he wanted to help with whatever it was that made me act that way. We both felt trapped. I could feel it in his very slight touch as he sat there with me, encouraging me to relax and talk. He was just scared for the life of him because of what I had just done. Neither of us knew why I did it.
That was the closest I'd ever been to him, but ironically, I had never felt so distant from him. The closer I got, the farther from myself I became, and the farther from Chris. That was the second big mistake I made, and it just proved to me that none of it was ever meant to be, and these feelings I had were in sympathy of myself for never having loved someone before.
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Well, sorry I haven't had footnotes in the last few chapters. I just wanted to get them posted ASAP. Thanks for the reviews everyone! I kinda scared myself while writing this chapter. Lots of intensity, too much for me even. And a lot of the feelings written hit close to home, so it took a while to just figure out how to put a lot of what went on with Trish into words. Anyway, I did it! I think. Oo Well, please review me! Thanks to everyone!