{Playwright's notes: All right, so I was bored when I wrote this. It's probably not even funny.... Disclaimer: Don't make me say it. Special notice: Nothing is meant to be offensive. All comments and quips are merely in fun. So please do not be offended. It is not serious and I do not believe any of it-Except the fact that Mary-Sues should be burned at the stake. Although I confess I have written Mary-sues...but that was when I was young and ignorant....I don't have any posted anyway. They're in my recycling bin.}
[Thump. Seven girls, Mary-Ellen, Mary-Kate, Mary-Beth, Mary-Anne, Mary- Ashley, Mary-Belle, and Mary-Adele, each with perfect hair and bodies land in the Shire.]
Mary-Ellen: [Widening her big, long-lashed, perfect blue eyes.] Where are we? Like, what happened? [Tucking her long, shiny blond hair behind her ears and looking around confusedly.] Are you all right, Mary-Kate?
Mary-Kate: [Hauling all 102 pounds of her 5'7" frame off the ground.] Oh no! I think I like, broke a nail?
Audience member 1 (AM1): I would think that having a weight that would, considering your height, be anorexic is a much larger problem?
Mary-Beth: Ohmygod! That is like, the worst thing that could, like, happen! [Getting up and inspecting the sleeve of her $200 designer sweater] Except for maybe getting grass stains all over your, like, most favorite sweater- which cost, like, $200- in the whole world, that you like, saved up for a whole two weeks to get! [Begins to sob, tears leaking out of those big, green eyes]
Audience member 2 (AM2): Oh please. You get $100 for your allowance and you're complaining?
Mary-Anne: [Hands on her slim hips] Guys, I think we're, like, in the Shire? [Brushes back her perfect brown curls and smiles excitedly, her Bobbi Brown lip gloss still amazingly perfect.]
Mary-Ashley: Squeal! You mean, like, from Lord of the Rings? I, like, totally love those movies! Whoever, like, came up with the like, idea for them is so totally awesome!
Book-reading half of the audience: Um, hello?? They were, 'like' books before they became movies. Are you aware of that??
Mary-Belle: How did we, like, end up here? [waves a perfectly "Lilac Frost" manicured hand.]
Mary-Kate: Exactly what I was, like, thinking.
Audience member 3 (AM3): You were thinking? This day will go down in history.
Mary-Adele: Who cares?? Let's go find Frodo.
AM1: That ugly little crossdresser??????
AM3: He is not a crossdresser! Those are boy's clothes!
AM1: My point exactly.
Mary-Ashley: Um, can we, like, get on with the story? Huh?
Mary-Belle: Like, totally!
Mary-Ellen: Look, isn't that hottie over there Legolas???
AM2: Legolas? Just what is he doing in the Shire?????????
Playwright: It's a Mary-Sue. These things happen. Don't ask me why...
Mary-Kate: Ohmigod it is!!!!!!!!!!!!! [Jumping up and down]
Mary-Adele: Let's go catch him!!!
[All start heading towards him, screaming]
Legolas: [Spotting Mary-Sues] Not again.... This happens to me in every story. How many times do I have to fall in love with a tenth member of the Fellowship? Except in this one, there's seven!!!! [MS's are advancing rapidly.]HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [Makes a mad run for it]
Mary-Beth: Catch him! I get to kiss him first!!!!
Mary-Ashley: But only after I hug him first!!!!!!!!!
Legolas: Oh for....[mutters something unintelligible as he runs around a corner.] Oh wait, there's Boromir. [to Boromir] Help, they're after me!
Boromir: [Looking confused.] Who?
Legolas: Mary-Sues!!!
Boromir: Oh. Here, hide up this tree. [Legolas climbs up the tree, disappearing just as MS's come around corner]
AM1: Something tells me it's not going to be that simple. But they've given up on the crossdresser???
AM3: He is not!!!!
AM1: You mean she.
AM3: Well, you're just wishing he is so you can have someone to relate to, David.
AM1: My name is Davidette, and I am a girl!!!!! Since I dress like one, I am not a crossdresser.
AM3: Sure...
Manager: Would you two please shut up??????
Boromir: Yes, please???
[Back to the show]
Mary-Adele: Excuse me, but have you seen Legolas by any chance?
Boromir: Oh sure, he's right up there.[points up into trees]
Mary-Belle: Shriek!!
Legolas: [As he is being yanked to the ground] Boromir, you evil fiendish fiend. (Tribute to my friend Kate...)[To Mary-Kate] Please, don't muss the hair??
Mary-Kate: Oh, sorry, I can totally relate to that.
All 7: Let's get him!
Legolas: Help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [as he is disappearing beneath six MS's]
Mary-Adele: [the only one left. To Boromir] Say, you're kind of hot....
[Curtain]
[Thump. Seven girls, Mary-Ellen, Mary-Kate, Mary-Beth, Mary-Anne, Mary- Ashley, Mary-Belle, and Mary-Adele, each with perfect hair and bodies land in the Shire.]
Mary-Ellen: [Widening her big, long-lashed, perfect blue eyes.] Where are we? Like, what happened? [Tucking her long, shiny blond hair behind her ears and looking around confusedly.] Are you all right, Mary-Kate?
Mary-Kate: [Hauling all 102 pounds of her 5'7" frame off the ground.] Oh no! I think I like, broke a nail?
Audience member 1 (AM1): I would think that having a weight that would, considering your height, be anorexic is a much larger problem?
Mary-Beth: Ohmygod! That is like, the worst thing that could, like, happen! [Getting up and inspecting the sleeve of her $200 designer sweater] Except for maybe getting grass stains all over your, like, most favorite sweater- which cost, like, $200- in the whole world, that you like, saved up for a whole two weeks to get! [Begins to sob, tears leaking out of those big, green eyes]
Audience member 2 (AM2): Oh please. You get $100 for your allowance and you're complaining?
Mary-Anne: [Hands on her slim hips] Guys, I think we're, like, in the Shire? [Brushes back her perfect brown curls and smiles excitedly, her Bobbi Brown lip gloss still amazingly perfect.]
Mary-Ashley: Squeal! You mean, like, from Lord of the Rings? I, like, totally love those movies! Whoever, like, came up with the like, idea for them is so totally awesome!
Book-reading half of the audience: Um, hello?? They were, 'like' books before they became movies. Are you aware of that??
Mary-Belle: How did we, like, end up here? [waves a perfectly "Lilac Frost" manicured hand.]
Mary-Kate: Exactly what I was, like, thinking.
Audience member 3 (AM3): You were thinking? This day will go down in history.
Mary-Adele: Who cares?? Let's go find Frodo.
AM1: That ugly little crossdresser??????
AM3: He is not a crossdresser! Those are boy's clothes!
AM1: My point exactly.
Mary-Ashley: Um, can we, like, get on with the story? Huh?
Mary-Belle: Like, totally!
Mary-Ellen: Look, isn't that hottie over there Legolas???
AM2: Legolas? Just what is he doing in the Shire?????????
Playwright: It's a Mary-Sue. These things happen. Don't ask me why...
Mary-Kate: Ohmigod it is!!!!!!!!!!!!! [Jumping up and down]
Mary-Adele: Let's go catch him!!!
[All start heading towards him, screaming]
Legolas: [Spotting Mary-Sues] Not again.... This happens to me in every story. How many times do I have to fall in love with a tenth member of the Fellowship? Except in this one, there's seven!!!! [MS's are advancing rapidly.]HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [Makes a mad run for it]
Mary-Beth: Catch him! I get to kiss him first!!!!
Mary-Ashley: But only after I hug him first!!!!!!!!!
Legolas: Oh for....[mutters something unintelligible as he runs around a corner.] Oh wait, there's Boromir. [to Boromir] Help, they're after me!
Boromir: [Looking confused.] Who?
Legolas: Mary-Sues!!!
Boromir: Oh. Here, hide up this tree. [Legolas climbs up the tree, disappearing just as MS's come around corner]
AM1: Something tells me it's not going to be that simple. But they've given up on the crossdresser???
AM3: He is not!!!!
AM1: You mean she.
AM3: Well, you're just wishing he is so you can have someone to relate to, David.
AM1: My name is Davidette, and I am a girl!!!!! Since I dress like one, I am not a crossdresser.
AM3: Sure...
Manager: Would you two please shut up??????
Boromir: Yes, please???
[Back to the show]
Mary-Adele: Excuse me, but have you seen Legolas by any chance?
Boromir: Oh sure, he's right up there.[points up into trees]
Mary-Belle: Shriek!!
Legolas: [As he is being yanked to the ground] Boromir, you evil fiendish fiend. (Tribute to my friend Kate...)[To Mary-Kate] Please, don't muss the hair??
Mary-Kate: Oh, sorry, I can totally relate to that.
All 7: Let's get him!
Legolas: Help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [as he is disappearing beneath six MS's]
Mary-Adele: [the only one left. To Boromir] Say, you're kind of hot....
[Curtain]