Friday, November 27, 1987

7:15 a.m.

The aroma of percolating coffee hit me as I reached the bottom stair. I paused briefly to drink in the scent of the nutty brew. For a fraction of a second I wondered if my husband had, indeed, returned home last night, but that hope was dashed as I caught a whiff of bacon and eggs. Lee might have been desperate enough for a caffeine fix, but he would have never attempted breakfast.

Rubbing my bleary eyes, I plastered a smile on my face and walked into the kitchen. Just as I'd suspected, Mother was already there, reading her daily bridge hand at the breakfast table. "Good morning," I said with a cheeriness I didn't feel. "Did you sleep well?"

She peered at me over the top of the newspaper. "Better than you obviously did. Honestly, Amanda, you look like you're dead on your feet. Surely this new supervisor of yours would understand if you called in sick, today of all days."

I smothered a yawn. "He's out of town."

"And you're the only one who can cover for him?"

"In this case, yes." I reminded myself to be patient; Mother still harbored some major reservations where my career was concerned. "I really don't mind. He's doing a favor for a friend this weekend."

"Well, favor or not," she advised in her usual firm voice, "you need to get some rest. Remember, you promised to start taking better care of yourself once Lee came home."

I flinched. "It's only a couple of classes, Mother. And I won't even have to be on my feet today. There's a test."

"A test?" She quirked her eyebrows. "They have tests in spy school?"

"I keep telling you, it's not that different from those continuing education classes you're always taking."

"Amanda." She folded her arms across her chest. "I have yet to see a course entitled 'Escape and Evasion' offered in any curriculum at the Community College."

"Mother," I moaned. "Have you been reading my textbooks again?"

Her face reddened. "Well, I may have taken a tiny peek into one or two. I thought it might be helpful to know how to pick a lock the next time I forgot my keys. You never know when a skill like that will come in handy."

I grinned and rolled my eyes. "I guess not."

She shifted in her chair then skillfully changed the subject. "I made Lee some coffee. Do you want me to take him some in a bit or just let him sleep in?"

I stiffened. "I don't think—"

"Now, Amanda, I know how awful jetlag can be, but you just have to ignore it if you want your body to get back on schedule. I made that mistake when we came back from Germany—"

"You can't take Lee any coffee, Mother."

A tense silence settled over the room as the echo of my harsh words died away. I turned to stare out the window. Without their leaves, the stick-like tree branches waved awkwardly in the morning breeze. I closed my eyes and rubbed my aching forehead. "Sorry," I murmured. "I didn't mean to take my frustrations out on you."

"Amanda." The chair scraped over the floor; a few seconds later, I felt a gentle touch on my back. "Did you and Lee have a fight?"

I whirled in surprise. "How did you know?"

She smiled. "Well, darling, feeling frustrated on the morning after you've been reunited with your long-lost husband can only be attributed to one of two things. Since Lee happens to be an eleven on a ten point scale, I figured it had to mean a fight."

My cheeks grew hot. "Oh, Mother, really!"

She regarded me closely, her smile growing along with my discomfiture. "Well, am I wrong?"

"Yes . . . I mean, no . . . I mean . . ." I let out an exasperated groan. "Okay, we did have a fight last night—a horrible fight, to be exact. Lee walked out and . . . and I'm not sure he's coming back," I finished, my voice trembling.

Mother slipped an arm around my waist. "Come on, sweetheart, sit down and I'll fix you a nice cup of tea."

"I don't have time," I protested, even as she led me to the chair. "I've got to get to work."

"Nonsense. You said yourself the class is taking a test. Your students will probably thank you for a few extra minutes of study time."

Too tired to argue anymore, I acquiesced. I watched in silence as Mother retrieved two cups from the cupboard then deftly poured out the tea from the white porcelain pot on the counter. "I figured we could both use a little pick me up," she said, bringing the mugs to the kitchen table.

"Thank you," I murmured as she sat down across from me and pushed a cup in my direction. I sipped slowly, the warmth from the steaming liquid making my eyes water. "Oh, Mother," I cried. "Everything's a mess."

"It may seem that way at the moment. But it will sort itself out."

I tapped my finger against the side of the mug. "I don't see how. Lee's furious with me, and I'm not particularly happy with him right now, either."

Mother's brow furrowed as she took a long drink. "Do you remember when your Daddy worked for that awful Mr. McGivver? Of course you don't," she answered for me, "you were too young. Well, Daddy was on the road constantly back then, and every time he came home from one of his business trips, we ended up having the most terrible row. You could practically set your watch by it." Mother leaned closer. "You see, even though I knew he was only doing his job, I resented him leaving me to cope with the home front on my own. And Daddy felt just as guilty for doing it, even though he didn't really have a choice in the matter." She eyed me carefully. "The best thing that ever happened to us was when he quit that job. Even if we did have to eat macaroni for eight weeks straight until he found something else."

"You want me to ask Lee to quit his job?"

"Of course not, darling. No one should ever quit their job unless they have another one lined up, no matter how horrible it is. Of course, it never hurts to take a look at your options." She lifted her eyebrows. "I'm sure a man like Lee has lots of options."

"Oh, Mother—"

"Well, it's true, darling. But that's a discussion for another time. The point I'm trying to make is that stress takes its toll on even the best relationships. Sometimes it's easier to look for something to fight about than to deal with the real issues."

I glanced ruefully at my stomach. "Lee and I sure didn't have to look too far."

Mother squeezed my hand. "I'm sure the news just caught him by surprise, that's all."

I blushed at the memory of my husband's passion-filled kisses. "You could say that."

"Give him some time to adjust to the idea. Men often react peculiarly when they discover they're going to be a father. Your uncle Herman swore he had morning sickness when he found out Aunt Edna was expecting."

"I wish it was as simple as that." I expelled a loud breath. "You should have seen the look on Lee's face when he discovered I'd kept the baby a secret. He was so angry, that it made me angry, too. He . . . I . . . we both said such terrible things to each other."

"And did you mean them?"

I brushed the tears from my eyes as I shook my head. "All these cruel words just seemed to find their way out of my mouth. I regretted them as soon as I said them."

"There, you see? I'm sure Lee feels the same way."

"Then why didn't he come home last night?" I asked in a small voice.

"Maybe he was too ashamed to face you. Or maybe—"

"Maybe what?"

She leaned back and took a deep breath before engaging my eye. "You know, darling, it's been my experience that frightened people often say and do a lot of things they don't mean."

"Frightened?" I frowned. "But that doesn't make any sense. He made it home safely. The hard part's over now."

Mother's expression softened. "From what you've told me about Lee's childhood, I suspect that for him, the 'hard part,' as you call it, is just beginning."

A funny pain pricked my heart. Once again, Mother was absolutely right. Maybe if I hadn't let my own resentment consume me last night, I might have seen his panic for what it was. Handling the bullets and the bad guys was nothing out of the ordinary for Lee; handling his emotions was another matter entirely.

Tears filled my eyes again as I looked across the table at my mother. "I really don't know what I would do without you these days."

"Oh, I think you'd do quite nicely," she sprang up to give me quick hug, "now that your husband's home."