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Chapter 19 - Confessions
Julius hesitated a moment near the door, trembling, though from rage or from fear of what was about to be revealed he could not say. He had come down to his father's office full of passionate anger, wanting answers, wanting to know the truth. Now that the time had come, he wondered if he would be able to handle hearing about this new reality.
Anger still filled him, salting the bitter wounds of loss and abandonment, and it was not something that was going to be easily dismissed, cast to the wayside by a few meaningless excuses. Cimmerian eyes glimmered from under the dark, adumbral strands that fell carelessly over his brows, reflecting the inner turmoil of the Ravenclaw's heart as he slowly made his way towards the chair opposite the professor.
The potions master gradually lifted his head just enough that his own nebulous eyes could be seen in the spaces between his pale dextrous fingers as his son sat before him. The shadowy pools were red-rimmed, and seemed like they contained the sorrow of the entire world within their fathomless depths as they stared at the boy across from him.
Severus Snape could not decide whether to be irate or ashamed, unsure of what his next course of action should be. This was not how he wanted his son to find out about his father. He wanted so many times during those late-hour potion sessions to sit down with the boy and tell him everything, but he couldn't bring himself to do it, though now he wondered if it was truly fear of the Dark Lord, or of the boy's possible rejection that held his tongue.
The boy sitting opposite him reminded him so much of himself, and looking into those deep black depths only reflected his own inner anxieties and fear back at the potions professor. He swallowed, desperately trying to find some form of moisture in his mouth that would allow him to speak, finding it so difficult to utter the first few words that would bring the truth out into the light. When he finally did, his voice was soft, full of uncertainty, his brown-black eyes shimmering tumultuously. "Who told you?"
Julius gazed fixedly at the older man across the desk, his temper unasuaged, unchanged even by the remorseful attitude emanating from Professor Snape. He stared contemptuously at his father, the man who deserted him, and answered his question with another. "Why did you leave us?"
"Who told you?" Snape inquired once more, his fingers clasping together before his lips as his swarthy eyes darkened further, his own agitation growing.
"Were we not good enough for you?" Julius snapped back, his voice turning cold as ice.
"I asked, who told you?!" the professor bellowed, his hands planted on the desk as he half stood to look down upon the boy, his dark eyes smouldering fiercely.
But Julius rose from his chair and stood as well, at his full height, his hands lying flatly upon the wooden surface, supporting his weight as he leaned in towards the teacher, his face twisted in anger. "Why didn't you love us?!"
"I loved both you and your mother more than you could ever imagine in that stubborn head of yours!" Snape shouted in return, his pale face distorted in annoyance. In an attempt to regain some of his composure after that outburst, he turned, and strode several paces behind the desk, his back to his son. He crossed one arm before his chest, cupping his other elbow in the palm as he rubbed his forehead with the other. "Do you have any idea," he began, his voice once more under control, but just barely, tremulous, "how much it pained me, how much it ripped my heart apart to be away from you?"
Turning slowly around to face the boy once more, the potions master's face seemed drawn and weary, this conversation draining every ounce of energy, breaking down every defensive shield he had constructed over the past fifteen years, crumbling them one after another, leaving him vulnerable to those lightless eyes that stared from the other side of his desk. "Do you know what it is like to hurt so deeply and not be able to show any trace of emotion, to be unable to mourn the loss of those you loved so very much?"
"My mother knew," Julius responded virulently, "She had a heart; she had loved no less than you. If you loved her as much as you say then why did you leave?"
"You don't understand, Julius. I had no choice," Severus Snape replied, tilting his head back and sighing in exasperation. His shadowy gaze remained upon the ceiling of the office as the memories of that day, and those that led up to that moment flickered through his mind. Shaking his head slowly, he glanced over towards his son, an intense sadness in his eyes. "Believe me, if I could have turned back time, if I had a second chance, I would have never left either you or your mother."
The sixth-year laughed bitterly at the professor's last remark, and sank heavily back into the chair, propping his elbows on the desk, supporting his head between his hands. His voice was shaky as he spoke his next words, filled with anguish. "You had a second chance with me, Father," he replied with a sarcastic emphasis on the last word, lifting his eyes once more to the man across the room. "In fact, you had many chances. You could have told me on my first day, or after any of those tutoring sessions. You could have told me at Christmas when you sent me that broom," Julius responded, pointing to the Nimbus that was leaning against the wall by the door.
"Instead, you dangle this mentor act before my eyes, making me admire you, making me look at you more than as a teacher, like the father-figure that I so desperately wanted in my life!" As each word spilled from his lips, his anger increased until burning tears welled behind his lids, threatening to spill down the curves of his cheeks, his voice becoming more ragged and hoarse. "But it is all just a façade, an empty, meaningless façade, as you had no intention of revealing your true place in my life, of taking the great leap of responsibility and claiming me as your own son!"
Snape stood rooted to where he was, his face growing paler with each word his son shouted, his breath caught in his lungs, knowing deep within that each syllable was true. With shaking hands, he grasped the back of his chair, and slid it around the desk so that it was placed before Julius, and sank with a flurry of black robes onto its surface. "Sit, Mr. De-- Julius, there are some things that you should know, I think, before you continue your rant ."
"What, more lies?" Julius replied, sitting down in his chair and crossing his arms sullenly, glaring at the man before him without sympathy.
The potions master closed his eyes briefly, knowing he deserved that remark, and kept his patience, though an automatic frown creased his lips. Leaning forward, he rested his forearms upon his thighs, clasping his fingers together before him. He did not look at his son as he spoke, focusing his gaze instead upon a stone tile between them on the floor. It was easier to talk about his past this way, without the seeing the judgemental stares of those he was speaking to, and often used the same technique when speaking to Dumbledore even though he knew that empathy and not judgement would be sparkling from the old man's eyes.
"I told you before, that your father… that I made many mistakes in my life. My most regrettable mistake, the one that began the long string of many others was the day I entered into the service of the Dark Lord." Hesitantly, Snape reached for his left sleeve and rolled it up his arm, revealing the skull and snake symbol of the Dark Mark, holding out his arm for Julius to view, though he kept his own eyes upon the floor, hating even to look upon it.
Julius paled slightly, his dark eyes casting a shocked glance to the man before him. His father was a Death Eater, one of Voldemort's own band of dreaded mercenaries. He said nothing, but saw his father and the potions master he had admired in a different light.
"It did not take long," Snape continued, rolling the sleeve back down, eager to hide that brand he hated with a passion, "for me to realise that I had made such a significant mistake, but it was too late. Once you join the Dark Lord's followers, there is no way out but death." He lifted his eyes, so full of years of pain and loss, to his son then as he added, "And many was the time when I seriously considered that very path. Perhaps it would have saved us both a considerable amount of pain and heartache."
"Why are you telling me all of this?" Julius asked his father, trying to keep his voice even. After such a speech it was difficult not to be moved by it all.
"Because I want you to know the truth, the way it should have been told to you long before now, from my own lips instead of another's. It is true, that I had not intended to reveal that side of my identity to you, to keep you blissfully ignorant of the horrible things your father has done, and I hope that one day you will see fit to forgive me for these past fifteen years. But I must continue. I want you to understand."
"It was shortly after you were born that I saw the errors of my ways, and contacted Professor Dumbledore in hopes that he could rid me of this… vile thing," he grimaced, gesturing to the Dark Mark on his forearm. "But alas, he was unable to do so. He suggested that I work for him, spying, gathering information on the Dark Lords movements and future plans, and I agreed.
"But the Dark Lord soon became suspicious of my activities here at the castle, and set me a task to prove my loyalty to him." He paused for a moment, and sighed softly. "This may be difficult for you to hear, for I know that you are friends with Mr. Potter, though why I cannot even begin to fathom. James Potter, Harry's father, worked as an Auror for the Ministry of Magic, and had become a particularly painful thorn in the Dark Lord's side, which again, is no surprise to me. I went to school with Mr. Potter's father, and can attest to the arrogance he possessed… but I am rambling.
"The Dark Lord had received information from one of his followers by the name of Peter Pettigrew, and ordered me to kill James and Lily Potter, and their son, and if I failed, he would kill my family instead. "
Julius blinked at this admission, his dark eyes widening as he gasped.
"Naturally I could not kill another member of Professor Dumbledore's order. I tried to contact someone from the order but was unable to locate them quickly enough. I sent a message to," and Snape grimaced at the name, "Sirius Black, a trusted friend of the Potters, and then made my way quickly to the manor, with barely enough time to herd you and your mother from the building before the Dark Lord learned of my failure and ordered my punishment."
Snape gazed up at his son once more, a look of weary sadness upon his features. "It was the hardest thing I have ever done, saying goodbye to your mother. I loved her very much. She was my light… in the darkest of places."
He sighed then, allowing his head to fall forward slightly and combed his long fingers through his black hair. "The Dark Lord thinks that both of you died when one of his men set the manor ablaze. If he found out that you were alive," he shook his head, "I don't know what would happen. I have lost you both once already. I have no wish to go through the pain of losing you again. That is why it is so important that you tell me who told you, Julius."
"Malfoy," Julius whispered quietly, his heart racing in his chest, shocked by all that had been said.
"Draco Malfoy?" Snape returned, glancing up quickly towards his son with concern evident in his eyes.
"Yes, sir," Julius replied.
Snape nodded quietly, though his mind was racing. Standing, he made his way towards the door to see his son out. "It is late, Mr. DeVere… and you will still use that name. It is best that you go back to your house's tower, and go to bed."
Julius stood hesitantly, wanting to hear more, but too stunned to argue with the professor. He nodded quietly and made his way to the door, about to step out into the hall.
"Julius," Snape said, interrupting his progress, causing the boy to turn and gaze at his father. "Everything you heard in this office and from Draco Malfoy shall be kept quiet. No one else is to know. Is that understood?"
"Yes, sir" the boy replied.
"And…"Professor Snape added hesitantly at first, "just because I may not acknowledge you publicly, doesn't mean, that I am not very proud to have you as my son."
A/N: Surprise!!!!! Now I expect to get multitudes of reviews for giving up my weekend to write this!
No, I am just kidding. My weekend plans fell through so I had some time to write (but you can still send me lots of reviews if you like :) )
This was a really difficult chapter to write as there is such a huge emotional component to it. Hope it came across alright. Cheers! Laurie