Memories and Reminders (Buffy's POV)

The rational part of me knows I have nothing to fear, they are just faucets in my own bathroom... the rest of my brain is not willing to listen and is just screaming for me to get away from here, only there is nowhere to run. I finally manage to get the water running but stepping into the shower is not something I'm looking forward to. Even checking to see if the temperature is fine is a challenge and even after I've made sure that it is I am not reassured. I've been fooled too many times in the past to allow myself to believe that I am safe. The water may be nice now but as soon as I step under the stream it won't be and then I won't be able to get away from it... I'll be trapped. I need to get clean but I can't bring myself to go in there.

This is something I have to do alone. There's no way I could possibly ask anyone to help me but it's just too much. I look around and then I spot the trash can. I empty it on the floor, wash it and fill it with water, then I grab a hand towel and I use it to wash myself. Once I'm done I manage to wash my hair with the help of a glass and while I'm doing that I allow the water to run in the background, just to keep the others from knowing what I'm doing. When I'm done I shut off the water and then I'm finally free to get out of this place so I brace myself to go looking for Giles.

I see him sitting on the couch and he smiles at me when he realizes that I'm here but it doesn't help much. Approaching him is always a struggle and the memories are always there --threatening to overwhelm me-- but he trained me well. I know better than to try to get away and then --after that initial fear has subsided-- I can lean against him and I know I'm safe. I guess it's funny --in a really twisted kind of way-- that it is only because the other Giles conditioned me so well that I can stand to go to him at all now, that I can bare to stay still while he approaches me. I want to run, I always do, but I've faced the consequences of doing that too many times to dare to try it now. I'm fine as long as he's holding me but sometimes he tries to do something else for me and it's only because of his training that I can keep myself from hurting him. Like yesterday, I was tired and he helped me get my shoes off. I know he didn't think anything of it, I know he --or rather this he-- would never hurt me but just the thought of having him near my feet terrifies me. I learned the hard way just how many nerve endings human feet really have and that's a hard lesson to unlearn. And that was just one little incident... one of thousands.

I know my friends wouldn't understand even if I could get them to believe me. They'd think the memories aren't real but they are. They'd argue that they weren't really there but they were. Sometimes I can still feel the pain but I can't let them see it. They wouldn't understand that this world is not the only one that is real, that just because they don't remember being there doesn't mean that they... no, I can't let myself think that way. They are my friends, they brought me back and yet there's no way for me to make them understand that while I've lived here for a little more than twenty years --and that as far as they are concerned I was dead for less than five months-- I actually spent over a hundred years there... and that's the problem. Most of the time I'm still not entirely sure of where I am.

When I clawed my way out of my own grave I was terrified --running on instinct even though I knew I had nowhere to run-- but it really was no different from what I had been living --or maybe not-living-- through on a daily basis for I don't know how long. The image of Sunnydale being attacked by demons was nothing I hadn't seen a thousand times since I jumped off that tower, nor was the image of people dying and my friends fighting a battle they couldn't possibly win a new occurrence. I think the first inkling I had that this would be different was when Spike showed up, but even then I wouldn't let myself believe that this could be real. I still don't believe it most of the time, I need reminders but those are hard to come by... like Giles's heartbeat.

Up until he came back I hadn't known what to think, then for a moment I was sure that this was just another one of his mind games. I wanted to run --to get away from him-- but I knew I couldn't, I knew it would only have made things worse so I waited. It seemed like he was taking forever to approach me, playing with my fear as he had done so many times before, but I managed to hold my ground even when he first touched me. It was a gentle touch --a hand running down my cheek-- but I wasn't willing to let that fool me, he had been gentle before and I still was certain of what would happen next, but then when he hugged me I heard his heartbeat. Funny that it was only then that I realized that he had never had a heartbeat before. That was the first time I allowed myself to even consider the possibility that this might be real.

Hopefully someday I'll be able to believe it without the constant reminders but I know that day is still far away. For now I sit on the couch --curled up against his side-- I rest my head on his chest once again and I allow myself to drift to sleep knowing that I'm safe.

~*~

Author's note: Yes, I know this part sounds more than a little incoherent... that was intentional. Just in case you were wondering.