Tainted Places of the Mind

I'm holding her while she sleeps, again, only now that I know why I'm doing it I can barely bring myself to touch her. I haven't told her what Spike said --I don't think she's ready to know that I know-- but I've been watching her. I really don't want to dwell on some of the things Spike pointed out to me but I can't seem to help myself and the truth is that if I want to help her I'm going to have to do something. I hate to admit it but some of the things the vampire mentioned make sense... like the fact that I need to get her out of this house. If Hell could twist her mind in such a way that it all but destroyed her faith in those she trusted to keep her safe, then it is only logical to assume that that extended to the places in which she felt protected and this house --together with the Magic Box-- are likely to top that list. That fact could easily account for why she seems to be getting worse in stead of better with each passing day.

Ever since I came back we've basically been inside 24/7 and now I realize that that has to change, but it's not as simple as it sounds. Her constant need for contact makes it difficult. Having a man who is approaching fifty walking down the street with a twenty year old woman literally wrapped around him is likely to be frowned upon and it would raise too many eyebrows... something we just can't afford with Social Services breathing down our necks because of Dawn. They haven't made any moves about that yet, but they made it clear even before Buffy died that they would be keeping an eye on the whole situation --that they were not entirely convinced that her sister was ready to care for her-- and if they were to pay us a visit tomorrow there's no way we could pull it off.

So I need to help Buffy and to help her I need to get her out of this house, but I must do that in a way that won't raise any questions. In addition to that I can't tell the others what is going on... nor can I tell Buffy that I know.

I think tomorrow we should try to go somewhere quiet for the day, maybe to the beach. First of all I need to make sure that being away from here --from a place that is so full of memories-- will make things better for her before I can come up with a more concrete plan. The problem is that getting her there might be somewhat tricky. Ideally it should be just the two of us, but I don't think I can safely drive and hold her at the same time and I seriously doubt she is ready to be alone with me in the close confines of a car without that contact. That means I'll probably have to ask Willow and Tara to take us there, which will add too many distractions which will in turn complicate the process of measuring Buffy's reaction to a different environment... not to mention that asking Willow and Tara to come with us will mean having Dawn either join us or stay here with Spike and I'm not particularly thrilled with either one of those two scenarios.

I know Dawn likes Spike well enough and I have to acknowledge that Spike has helped us a lot in the past year or so --and he's the only one I can talk to about what's going on with Buffy-- but the problem is that he is still Spike and trusting a vampire with a child goes against my every instinct. On the other hand leaving Dawn and Spike alone here for the day totally unsupervised could probably mean that the house will be gone by the time we get back and --if our little field trip goes as I fear it will-- that would make talking Dawn into moving a whole lot less complicated. She is stubborn and this is her mother's house after all, but if my suspicions are correct then we will have no choice but to move if Buffy is to survive.

***

The drive here was awkward to say the least. Buffy was oddly quiet, almost listless. She seemed to be resigned to whatever was about to happen to her and I know both Willow and Tara realized that there was more to our little field trip than I had told them. That at least was a small blessing seeing how they made sure to give us plenty of room as soon as we arrived.

We've been here for a few hours and Buffy is still clinging to me but she doesn't seem to be nearly as tense as she was back in Sunnydale. I take that as a good sign. We are sitting on the sand watching the waves and --as usual-- Buffy is resting her head on my chest. I want us to walk a little so I decide to try something different. I take her left hand and wrap it around my right wrist, then I urge her to get up... that should enable her to feel my pulse while allowing for a greater freedom of movement --though I'm not about to risk my left wrist in a slayer's grip if I can help it. Unfortunately I seem to have underestimated my slayer's mind once again. She used to enjoy playing the dumb shallow blonde when I first met her and while she doesn't do that nearly as much as she used to she still manages to catch me off guard sometimes. In this instance I can see in her eyes that that simple gesture has revealed to her the fact that I know what she's been doing.

I hate to see the shame in her eyes, as if it were her fault somehow and I do my best to try to reassure her. Even though I knew it was unavoidable, even though I was aware that this was bound to happen sooner or later I was not prepared for it to happen now. She wasn't ready to know but now that she does there's no turning back. This is not how I wanted things to unfold but I cannot change what has happened and the most I can do now is hope that the fact that she knows will allow me to confront some issues in a more direct fashion... if nothing else it will hopefully open the communication lines enough to enable her to try and tell me what she needs. So far I've been trying to interpret her reactions, not knowing what could set her fear off and I haven't always succeeded. I know she's unlikely to open up completely --even before her time in Hell she was always reluctant to show anything that might be perceived as a weakness and I'm aware that right now she's terrified of revealing anything that might be seen as an exploitable vulnerability-- but maybe now I won't have to pretend that I don't notice whenever she flinches.

We spend a long time walking up and down the beach and not once does she release her hold on my wrist, but after a while she does loosen her grip a little, leaving me with only a few bruises. Eventually we go back, looking for Willow and Tara and I even manage to get Buffy to eat a couple of sandwiches. On the drive back she falls asleep and as I watch her I think about what to do next.