Choices

We've been in the new house for a week now and things are starting to settle down. We were lucky enough to find a place with everything we needed almost immediately, one that was well within my price range... of course the fact that the previous owners had been killed by vampires may have had something to do with that, but then again that's the case with most of the properties that hit the Sunnydale market. It's sad but it's a fact of life around here.

Even though I think Buffy is doing a little better --or maybe I'm just getting better at dealing with it-- I am still deeply worried about her. There have been no dramatic changes since we moved though she does seem to be a little more relaxed. She still sleeps with me more often than not but I'm trying to encourage her to sleep in her own room. She does try and a couple of days ago she managed to go for two hours before the nightmares woke her up but after that she was terrified and I didn't have the heart to leave her alone again. That has become part of our routine, as have the daily meditation exercises.

The back yard is peaceful and it has a huge old tree in one corner. That has become Buffy's meditation spot. We sit in its shade, face to face with our knees touching, my hands resting on her legs and her hands wrapped around my wrists... it's an awkward position but it allows her to stay focused and those exercises do help to keep her grounded.

Of course, whenever I think we are starting to move forward in one front I realize that there is another problem I hadn't even identified before. The most recent one has to do with her eating habits. In a sense it is an extension from the fact that she just won't say 'no'. While she does try to hide it to a certain extent, for the most part she still can't bring herself to tell me what she wants, what she needs. She won't go into the kitchen and grab a bite to eat if she's hungry or a glass of water if she's thirsty. She will eat whatever is put in front of her without an argument and that's probably what masked the problem before we moved. She was eating with us and we were eating things she would normally eat so I didn't even realize that there was something wrong... and this particular problem is probably compounded by the fact that when we are at the table she can't ground herself. I am by her side and she can see me but she is on her own... and that is probably the worst possible combination as far as she's concerned.

This time around I realized what was happening almost by accident. We went into the kitchen for a snack, I asked her whether she wanted the chicken salad or the Chinese take-out leftovers and she froze. It took me a minute to realize what had happened --that I had asked her to express an active choice-- and since then I have done my best to try and see how bad the situation really is. I think the most disturbing evidence of the magnitude of the problem came yesterday. I tried to test her reactions while we were having lunch so rather than allowing her to serve her own meal I overfilled her plate but I miscalculated. I'm used to my own eating habits --not hers-- and I forgot that I have almost a foot and a good eighty pounds on her so I overdid it. My intention was to see whether or not she would stop herself, if she would listen when her body said 'enough'... she didn't. She kept on eating mechanically to the point of making herself sick.

When compared to everything else it seems like such a minor problem but it is one I have to keep a close eye on because of its potential impact on Buffy's health... and it is yet another thing I don't know how to help her with. I know I'll have to keep a close eye on what she eats and drinks, that's the easy part, but I have no idea of what I can do to help her break that dependence. I admit that more than once I've been tempted to corner her into responding, that I've wanted to ask questions as deceivingly simple as 'Is there anything you want to tell me?' but I've stopped myself. I need some answers and yet I know she's not ready.

I need to know if I want to help her but --at least for the time being--I can't ask her for fear of hurting her.