Steps

The house feels silent and I don't like it. I just realized that this is the first chance I've had to be alone here since we moved. I should be enjoying it after so many years of living by myself but I'm not. I'm worried, wondering whether or not it was too soon.

Tonight I took advantage of the fact that Dawn will be spending the night at Janice's to get Willow, Tara and Spike to take Buffy out for a while. In a sense I would have been more comfortable with them going out during the day, but that would have meant that Spike couldn't go along and while I trust Willow and Tara I haven't been able to bring myself to tell them exactly what's going on. I'm not sure why I haven't told them. I don't know if it's because I'm trying to protect them, because I don't want to betray Buffy's trust or because I don't think they would be able to keep the fact that they know from Buffy and she needs to have them treat her as close to normal as possible, not walking on eggshells... maybe it is a combination of all of the above. The thing is that they don't know and Buffy needed to have someone with her who could help her out if things got too bad, so Spike went with them... even if part of me cringes at the thought of leaving my slayer under a vampire's care.

I know in a battle you have to be able to take advantage of whatever resources you have available to you and right now Spike's help is one resource I can't afford to do without. I may not particularly like him, but I'm not willing to jeopardize Buffy because of that dislike. There are too many things I won't be able to do for her and I know it. If she's ever going to break --or at least lessen-- her dependence on me she's going to need someone else to help her make that transition, and even if I don't find it a very comforting thought I know that in his own twisted way Spike does love her and he understands... probably a lot better than I do. I know I'll have to keep an eye on things, to make sure she is actually breaking that dependency and standing on her own rather than merely transferring it, but I am aware that I will need Spike's help.

The thing is that for the past couple of weeks I've been trying to push Buffy a little harder, sometimes putting her in a position in which she has to choose between saying 'no' and doing things she may not be sure she's ready to do, like going out without me. It hasn't been easy for either one of us, but I know it has to be done. Like the other day when I decided to play dumb and volunteered to give her a back rub. I know she was terrified, it was a far more intrusive kind of touch than the one she feels comfortable with. It was a kind of touch I knew she feared could turn painful with no warning whatsoever, one that didn't allow her the reassurance of listening to my heartbeat and one that placed her in what was clearly a vulnerable position. Even though I was as gentle as I could it was awful for her. The rational part of my mind knew she was responding to her memories rather than to what was being done to her and yet I couldn't help but blame myself for her distress.

That was one incident but it wasn't the only one. Another thing I've been trying to do is to get her to talk to me, but that hasn't been easy. I'm working on it almost daily but that's one place where I'm still reluctant to push too hard, at least for the time being. It's slow going. Usually she just nods or shakes her head in response to my questions, sometimes I may get her to give me a one word answer to clarify things but for the most part I can do little else but ask her to confirm what I already know and I fear that the price she pays for those simple answers is too high. She may not be ready to tell me what she's thinking but I can see her fighting her memories.

The most I've been able to do is map her body to get a clearer picture of just which parts of it are the ones in which contact elicits the most fear, and even that was extremely hard on her. I knew that questioning her about it would have been excruciating and it would have taken forever so I decided to try a different approach. I just asked her to lay down and then I ran my hands over her body, careful not to touch her, just hovering about an inch away from her while I watched for her responses... it was far from pleasant but it took less than a minute. It may not seem like much as far as progress goes but it is something that can help me avoid a mistake, which is good because the answers I found did include a few surprises, such as her armpits. I guess in a way it makes sense but I never would have thought about it and I hate the fact that I now realize that it does make sense. Her armpits, along with her genitals, her hands and feet are areas that have more nerve endings than vital organs nearby, so they are areas that can be easily abused causing unbearable pain but little long term damage, the same goes for her mouth. The rest of her face and her breasts also caused her to react, but those reactions were nowhere near as strong, the proximity of vital organs making those more delicate targets.

The other thing that little experiment taught me is that whatever was hurting her was treating her as if she were mortal, and that might mean that she didn't really know where she was, a fact that could help explain why she is so confused. In my mind I have an image of hell in which there is constant torment, but that is not consistent with what I've seen or with what Spike has suggested. If that had been the case convincing her that she's safe would have been reasonably easy but I've known since Angel's visit that the torture she endured was psychological at least as much as it was physical and sexual. In order to keep her fear alive she must have been made to feel vulnerable and while knowing that she could not be killed would have served to enforce her hopelessness, it would also have lessened the impact of whatever it was that she was going through. No, her responses are more consistent with those of someone who was trapped in a place where she was subjected to constant mind games intended to break her.

The more I think about it the more apparent it becomes that I'm going to have no choice but to force a confrontation here. Waiting for her to feel safe enough to talk is unlikely to work.