No

Buffy is leaning against my chest while we watch an old movie on TV and she seems to be reasonably calm. Dawn, Willow and Tara are all in school and Spike is sleeping in the basement so I guess this is as good a time as any to confront her. I do know things won't get any easier no matter how long I wait. I tell her that we need to talk and I feel her tense up immediately, like she does whenever I try to get her to open up. I know she won't fight me, she won't say no, but she won't cooperate either... the difference this time is that I won't back down. I will respect her wishes if she tells me she doesn't want to talk but I know she won't say it openly and I refuse to interpret her body language in that regard any longer.

I try to begin with safe questions, things we have already been through, trying to get her to feel at least a little more comfortable, then I slowly move toward other issues. When she remains quiet I prompt her to answer and I wait for her when she needs a moment to gather her thoughts but I'm not willing to let her avoid me, not this time. I am also struggling with my reactions, that's something I've gotten good at lately. She tries to avoid going into details and for the time being I decide not to push her. Right now I just want to get some of those secrets she's been keeping out in the open. I know that's not fair. She's not keeping secrets, she's just trying to forget, to feel safe... and the truth is that even now I'm not sure I can handle those details.

I can see she is growing increasingly agitated as I push forward with my questions. I am not following the script, I'm not letting her off the hook and that's making her nervous. I know it's necessary, I keep telling that to myself, but it's not helping. I really hate seeing her like this, so different from the strong, confident girl she used to be. She may be the one 'the things that go bump in the night' fear, but right now she is terrified of her inner demons.

The demons that haunt her are her own... and they have brought everything else in her life to a screeching halt. Even her training --that cornerstone of her calling-- had to be basically suspended, adding to her loss. Simply put it's not safe for anyone to train with her right now because her control is virtually non existent. There are only a couple of things we can do, such as a little Tai Chi --which allows her to stay fit-- and sometimes she literally beats the stuffing out of the punching bag, but that's about it. Hand to hand is out of the question, as are most contact weapons, such as the quarterstaff, the sword, the stake and the knife. The crossbow is still an option, but as a release mechanism --as an outlet for her pent up energy-- it is totally worthless... and there's no way she could possibly go out slaying in her current condition.

I know I'm allowing my mind to wander and I force myself to focus on the task at hand. The truth is that I'm about as eager to ask some of the questions I need to ask as Buffy is to answer them but it has to be done... I'm just not sure how I should go about it. How do I ask her what I did to her? How do I ask her why she's so afraid of expressing her wishes? These are things I need to know if I want to help her, the rational part of me knows this, but these are also things I really don't want to know, fears I don't want to have confirmed. Up until now all I've had are Spike's theories and even though I can think of countless anecdotical incidents that can easily be interpreted as circumstantial evidence to corroborate those theories I know that as soon as Buffy confirms those suspicions I will lose my last chance to deny the truth behind my fears. I also know that as soon as I ask those questions Buffy will know that I know and I don't know how she's going to react to that knowledge.

I feel like I'm caught in a spider's web and each move I make only serves to entangle me even more. Ever since I came back I've been trying to help her but at first I had no idea of just what I was up against. Now I am starting to comprehend and it terrifies me but it's too late for me to back away even if I wanted to... which I don't. That means I have to forge ahead so I force myself to ask what I hope will be the easiest of those questions. I ask her if she can tell me what she fears will happen if she makes a choice.

She buries her face in my shirt and I tighten my arms around her trying to reassure her as I wait for her answer. To my surprise she shakes her head and barely manages to whisper the word 'no'.

~*~

Author's Note: Sorry about the delay in getting this part out, real life got in the way.