Breaking

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to, I'm so sorry..." She whispers time and time again as I try to get her to calm down.

"Buffy, it's okay, you are safe."

"I'm sorry."

"Ssssh, you didn't do anything wrong."

"I'll choose." She says, out of nowhere, pulling away from me.

"Choose?"

"I'm sorry."

"What do you mean you'll choose?" I really don't understand what just happened, what triggered this reaction.

"I have to choose now." She insists, seemingly resigned to something though I can't quite figure out what.

"Buffy, what's going on? Why do you have to choose?"

"I said 'no'... must never say no." She mutters, almost to herself.

"And when you say 'no' you have to 'choose'?" I ask, still not sure of what's going through her mind.

She nods and whispers "I'm sorry."

"What do you have to choose?" I prod.

"You'll tell me."

"What am I supposed to tell you? I don't understand, Buffy, you have to help me out here!"

"You'll tell me what my choices are."

"Choices?"

"I have to choose what my punishment will be." She explains, even if it doesn't make sense.

"You are not going to be punished."

"But I said 'no'." She insists, clearly confused.

"You are safe now, you can say 'no' and no one is going to punish you for that." I try to reassure her even though I know it's useless. Right now she's trapped in her memories and I'm not going to get through to her.

"Please, I have to choose."

"No, you don't. You don't have to choose any more. It's over."

"I choose me." She says suddenly.

"There are no choices, Buffy." I say more forcefully than I had intended and I realize almost immediately that it was the wrong thing to say as I see her grow even more frantic.

"Please let me choose me, no matter what the punishment is."

"You are not going to be punished."

"Please, I don't care what it is, I choose me."

"What do you mean you choose yourself?"

"Do whatever you want to me, but don't hurt them. It's my fault. I said 'no', they didn't do anything."

"No one is getting punished, Buffy. There's nothing for you to choose." I say, then I ask, "Is that what you had to do? You had to choose between getting punished yourself or watching someone else get hurt in your place?"

"Yes." She whispers.

"Who would get hurt in your place, Buffy?" I ask softly, knowing what the answer will be but still needing to have it confirmed.

"Dawn, Willow, Tara, Xander or..." She trails off with a horrified look in her face.

"What's wrong?"

"It can't be! Not her! Please, I choose me, I choose me!" She says desperately.

"I told you, you don't have to choose any more, you are safe, you all are. You are not about to be punished, no one is." I say pulling her close, realizing too late that the small distance she had put between us when she pulled away is making things worse, remembering that she usually tends to ground herself by listening to my heartbeat and that now she is too far away to hear it.

"But she's still there!" She insists as I do everything within my power to get her to calm down.

"Who is still there?"

"My mom. My mom is still there."