Resting

I've been thinking for hours... not like there's much else I could do as I hold Buffy while she sleeps. I tried getting away but even in her current condition she tends to get agitated at the loss of contact. At some level she still needs to hear my heartbeat in order to feel safe so I stay with her. I'm really at a loss about what to do now. I know I have to look for a different approach to dealing with her, that much is certain. I know I can't go against her conditioning --it is just too powerful and it would be too dangerous-- but I still need to find a way to break it... and I know that no matter what I do the memories will continue to haunt her for a very long time. I wish I could get rid of them but I know I can't and I know talking won't help... I know nothing I can say will convince her that Joyce is safe, the most I can hope to accomplish is to convince her that this is real which would hopefully cause her fears to fade into the background, but even that is bound to take some time.

"Take it easy, it's okay." I reassure her as I feel Buffy stirring against my side. I know she is likely to be confused and disoriented and I certainly don't want her to panic again.

"Wht hppend?" She mumbles.

"Try to rest." I say placing my hand on her forehead, her skin still feels warmer than it should, but not dangerously so.

"My head hurts."

"I know, you are running a fever, but it's not so bad now. Do you want some water?"

"Please... how long was I out?" She asks, still not opening her eyes and still not letting go of me as I struggle to reach the water bottle.

"About eighteen hours."

"Dawn!" She all but screams as her eyes spring open and she tries to sit up.

"She's fine, she'll be spending a couple of days with Janice, don't worry." I say pushing her back down.

"I'm sorry."

"What on Earth for?"

"For what I said before... I know it wasn't really you. I never meant for you to find out about it."

"Why not?"

"Never mind."

"I'm not sorry you told me, Buffy. I needed to know and I'm the one who has some apologizing to do here, not you."

"Okay, now I really don't understand."

"When your temperature spiked it got bad... really, really, really bad. It got dangerously high, up to 106ยบ and I had two choices to bring it down, neither one of them good. I could either take you to a hospital and hope for the best, knowing how much you hate those places and knowing that you might end up waking up alone and disoriented because there was no way for me to explain why I had to stay with you or I could temporarily knock your immune system off line because it was a stress reaction and it was your immune system that was causing the whole problem to begin with. I chose option number two. I'm sorry."

"What did you do?"

"I used the Cruciamentum serum to neutralize your slayer healing and give your body a chance to regain its own balance. The effects should wear off in about twelve hours." I grudgingly confess.

"So I'm helpless?"

I can see the fear in her eyes and I hate it but I know she has a right to know what I did to her. "You are safe." I say.

"I know but I don't know and..." She looks away but I already know what she's thinking, even if she can't bring herself to say it.

"You are afraid of me, I know. I did the same thing to you that he did. I'm sorry, I just didn't know what else I could do."

"I kind of understand why you did it," she admits, "and I am glad I didn't wake up in a hospital. Believe me that wouldn't have been good for me or the hospital... I just hate being weak."

"I know, and the effects should wear off long before I let you even think about getting out of bed anyway, young lady, so you shouldn't even notice them but I wanted you to know." I say and I see her freeze immediately.

I curse at my own insensitivity. The other me used the Cruciamentum serum to weaken her, strip her of her powers and then break her. He used it to teach her obedience when she couldn't fight back. I should have known better than to try to order her to do anything right now, even teasingly. "I'm sorry, Buffy, I didn't mean that as it sounded. Of course you can get out of bed if you feel strong enough but I'd prefer it if you were to rest a while. You really scared me this time."

"I'm sorry."

"No more apologies. I'm just glad to see that you are doing better."

"What about Willow and Tara? What did you tell them?"

"They know you are sick --obviously-- but I didn't tell them what happened. They weren't here when you were delirious, you were already unconscious by the time they came home."

"That's something." She says, relieved, and I can't help but wonder what's going through her mind.

"You have nothing to be ashamed of."

"It's not that, okay, not just that. It's more like I really don't want to have to explain. It's bad enough that you know."

"Why? Tell me, please."

"I don't want you all walking on eggshells around me, not more than you already do. Believe me, I know I'm not doing well... I'm so scared all the time and... I don't know, it's kind of hard to explain." That statement in itself is so different from what I've come to expect from her that it tells me almost immediately that she's not really as fully conscious as I thought she was... she's not defensive enough for that.

"You don't have to explain, not now. What you need right now is rest. Does your head still hurt?"

"A little. Please stay." She asks as she rests her head against my side once again.

"I'm not going anywhere." I say pulling her close and smiling for the first time in quite a while as I realize that in her somewhat disoriented condition she just showed me how to beat this thing.