Shopping

We've been here for over two hours and I can see that the sales girl who's been helping us is by now more than a little anxious. I can certainly understand the feeling but I also hope she won't lose her temper and say something she shouldn't, like 'will you choose already!?', even if I'm tempted to say it myself.

The truth is that this whole experience has turned into a sort of poker game. While not terrified it is clear that Buffy still finds shopping a little too daunting and the fact that this is not part of her safe daily routine is making her uncomfortable. If the situation weren't so serious I would probably describe it as hilarious. She keeps trying on shoes and asking for my opinion as to whether I like them or not while trying to conceal her own reactions, still trying to mold her choices to my expectations, still trying to leave the choice in my hands... as if I had a clue about women's shoes. For my part I try to keep her from seeing any reaction at all, still waiting for her to choose the ones she likes. At this rate we'll be here until next week.

I had hoped that her love of shopping would have been enough to distract her from her fear but it wasn't... or maybe shoe shopping was too much for a first attempt at it. Maybe I should have taken her out for something simpler like an ice cream before trying something this complex. I realize now that I got carried away in my excitement, that while I am eager to encourage her to rediscover her freedom this was too much too soon but unfortunately it's too late to change my mind about that so I'll have no choice but to help her make a decision.

I had really hoped it wouldn't be necessary for me to do this but it is, so I gently rub her shoulder, trying to reassure her as I start asking her questions I know she can handle, questions where 'no' is not an option. I ask her what is her favorite color, then I narrow the choices down by eliminating all the others, I ask about her favorite style, and narrow it down again for her. I repeat the process until there are only four pairs left from the mountain we had to begin with but I can see that she is getting nervous... this is a little too close to a choice for her liking and I'm out of defining characteristics by now --all four remaining pairs look pretty much the same to me and I'm glad to discover that they also look like something she would normally wear-- so I take the final choice out of her hands, knowing she's not ready to take that step just yet. I pick one of them almost at random, ask her if she likes it (knowing that she will say yes even if she doesn't) and then we can finally leave the store behind.

The whole experience was far from the rousing success I had hoped it would be but it was not a total disaster either. The part of me that had hoped for a glimpse of the old Buffy was disappointed, of course, but she did okay and I do realize anything more was too much to hope for. Getting her used to the freedom to voice her wishes even in a limited and roundabout way will take some time and cunning but now at least I'm sure she will eventually be able to do it.