Routine

Lately I've been trying to break Buffy's routine a little, making it less safe for her, less predictable, less sheltered. We took over grocery shopping from Willow and Tara and I'm no longer allowing Buffy's fears to cause us to live almost as recluses. I must admit that I hadn't realized how bad it had gotten. Though I made sure that we went out for a little while each day almost from the start, those little excursions were usually short and carefully planned to avoid anything that she could possibly interpret as disturbing. As for me I always preferred staying home with a good book whenever possible so all too often the main difference as far as my own routine was concerned was that now Buffy was curled up by my side as I read. Her presence there became something comfortable and natural to me, so much so that I didn't realize that it was my life I was encouraging her to live, not hers. I am now trying to change that but it's a slow process... one that often leads to unexpected results.

For instance grocery shopping has become an interesting experience as I provide her with ever less detailed lists. The first time I told her to go get some cereal she came back with an assortment that included every single brand they had available in the store. She was so nervous that I couldn't bring myself to point out to her that we really didn't need that many so I paid for the whole lot and then returned most of them to the store without her knowledge... since then I'm always careful to add specific instructions as far as quantity when it comes to the items I ask her to find.

I am also trying to push her to go out with her friends more often, even though she really hates it and I think by now even Xander is beginning to notice. The problem is that in their attempts to cheer her up they are courting disaster time and time again and Buffy is the one who ends up paying the price. Like last night when they decided to take her to the Bronze for old times' sake... she lasted less than ten minutes and came home shaking and terrified. When I asked them what had happened they told me that while Spike had tried to talk them out of it, Buffy hadn't said anything so --even though Tara had sided with Spike-- Xander, Anya, Willow and Dawn had managed to outvote them. I almost got angry at them for that one, trying to imagine what being in such a crowded place --which is probably on her list of 'places full of memories' to begin with-- where she had no control of her surroundings was like for her. I know they have good intentions, I know they don't really understand what's going on and I know that is partially my fault but maybe I should warn them that whenever they go out with Buffy, Spike has veto power.

I don't want to tell them what's going on, I am aware that Buffy doesn't want them to know but I am also aware that if I intend to rely on them to help her reclaim her life I will have no choice but to tell them something... or at least tell some of them. Last night's Bronze disaster was at least partially due to the fact that Buffy can't say 'no' and they are unaware of that fact. They outvoted Spike because Buffy didn't --couldn't-- object and I need to find a way to prevent that from happening ever again, preferably without resorting to giving him veto power, which would seem too suspicious. That means I have to find a way to talk to at least some of them.

I know telling Dawn is out of the question, she's too young and there's no way she would understand... besides, Buffy would kill me. Xander doesn't come across as a much better choice, he loves her but he doesn't have the patience and understanding to deal with something of this magnitude. Anya would be someone I could recruit, knowing that her background would allow her to understand what's going on better than any of the others... unfortunately I don't think she would be able to keep the secret, especially not from Xander so I reluctantly rule her out. Willow I'm still not sure about, she's grown a lot but still I don't think she can relate enough to know when not to push... and I'm somewhat worried that if I were to tell her the truth she could end up saying something that could hurt Buffy if she were to go into babble mode. Tara is the only one who sided with Spike on the Bronze issue and I think maybe she even has an instinctive inkling of what's going on. I am aware that she's a highly skilled natural empath so she seems like the most natural choice and I do know I can trust her... however I also know that, just as Anya would have a hard time keeping the truth from Xander, it won't be easy for Tara to keep it from Willow.

I think maybe I can talk to Tara without going into too much detail, I can explain my concerns to her and trust her to know how to handle Willow. If I can get Willow and Tara to side with Spike that would lead to a tie the next time a similar situation arises... and such a tie would then probably be broken by Xander who still has a tendency to side with Willow, maintaining a dynamic I suspect has been in place since they were five.