Doubts

I'm sitting on the couch reading --waiting for Spike to come back from patrol-- when I feel more than hear Buffy come up to me so I make room for her to curl up in her usual spot by my side. She seems tense so I pull her close as I look up to the mirror across the room. Originally it was installed as a vampire detection system since it covers the front door, but now it also functions as an important tool whenever Buffy is feeling nervous as it allows me to see her face without having to put any distance between us. Right now I can see she has something that's bothering her but she can't bring herself to voice it. I've gotten used to having to start these conversations so I give her a few minutes to relax before asking her to tell me what's on her mind.

"Am I still the slayer?" She asks catching me totally off guard.

"Of course you are, where is this coming from?"

"But I no longer patrol, Spike does... you don't trust me to be the slayer," she insists.

"That's not true! Buffy, you've been through a lot and I just don't want to push you."

"He said I was a disgrace, that I should never have been called, that I had to learn to..." she trails off, I can feel her shaking and it takes me almost a full minute to understand what she means.

"It's not true, you have to know it's not true. You are one of the best slayers ever if not the best. Do you know how many slayers have lasted six years?"

"But I died... twice! I didn't last six years, not really, I didn't even last one!"

"You are still here and that's what matters."

"I had a dream, you were killing me because I was a failure."

"Last night?" I ask surprised and worried by the fact that I may have slept through it.

"After the Master killed me," she explains, shaking her head, still reluctant to say the word 'no' out loud if she can help it.

I am struggling to add this new piece of information to everything else and it's not reassuring. It seems like that particular fear predates her latest death and the thing is that if even a small part of her had this fear that her whole calling was a mistake since before she jumped off that tower and the other me built on that bit of self-doubt then the lines between what's real and what's not may be even more blurred than I had originally thought. I haven't wanted her to go out on patrol because I want her to be safe, but if she's interpreting it as meaning I don't trust her as a slayer then we have a problem... or rather we have yet another problem.

The truth is that a part of me doesn't think she's ready to patrol. She has been unable to train since she came back because her control just isn't there and it wouldn't be safe for those around her. I am also well aware that she may freeze at the wrong time... and while patrolling freezing at any time would be the wrong time. On the other hand I seem to have underestimated how important her role as a slayer is to her. I still have this image of a sixteen year old Buffy fighting her calling with all her might, craving a normal life, and so I chose to focus on Buffy --not the slayer-- but apparently that was a mistake. Somewhere along the line Buffy accepted her calling and now she feels like I'm trying to take that away from her.

I want to ask her if she wants to patrol but I know that's one question I can't ask directly. I'm still avoiding questions that have a yes or no answer, knowing she will say yes regardless of what she truly wants so I have to find a way around it.

"Can you tell me why you want to patrol?" I finally bring myself to ask.

"I don't know how to explain it... I mean, it's like patrolling is a part of me and..." she trails off.

Okay, I'll count that as a 'yes' --even if she's not sure of what to say-- but I'm still not convinced she's ready. One thing is for sure, she's not going out there alone, not yet, not for a while.

"I'll talk to Spike and tomorrow night we'll go out with him." I tell her. I'm careful not to phrase it as a question but I feel her nodding against my chest anyway as she relaxes a little and I do the same as I realize that it was the right thing to say.