"No, Polly would not like a cracker, thank you very much!" Jack shouted over his shoulder as he set off amongst the trees. Really, one would expect a man who'd suffered as great a loss as Cotton to respect the purity of the animal world. Jack would never have guessed a parrot could bend like that.

The walk into town was just over a mile, and he quite enjoyed the opportunity to clear his head. Slinking down back alleys, he got lost twice before he finally found the smithy.

"Jack!" Will, to his intense relief, greeted him with the same warm enthusiasm and boisterous hug as always.

Jack laughed as Will's thick arms lifted him off his feet. "Ooof. And how are you doin', whelp?"

Will toyed with a loose curl, his brown eyes suddenly finding an elsewhere to look. "Oh. I'm – I'm fine, I suppose..."

Seating himself on a sawhorse, Jack lifted an eyebrow. "Domestic troubles?"

"How did you know?" Will exclaimed.

"Just a guess. Go on, then – tell old Jack what's been troublin' your happy home."

Will paced in short laps before the forge, biting his lip. "Well, it's just...I love Elizabeth, I do. But lately I've been having these thoughts...feelings...about..."

"Someone who is not your lovely wife?" Jack supplied with a wry grin.

Will nearly tripped himself in his shock. "Exactly. Jack, I've –"

"No need to worry," said Jack sagely, feeling perfectly confident in his ability to advise marriages even though he had never been unfortunate to get trapped in one himself. "'Tis perfectly normal for your eyes to stray now and then – you're only human, after all."

The boy shook his head emphatically, rubbing his palms over his thighs, nearly trembling with agitation. "No, you don't understand, this is...oh, bugger it," he said suddenly, gripping Jack's shoulders and kissing him.

Jack was struck mute and dumb, allowing Will a moment of hesitation before he tentatively slipped a tongue into Jack's mouth. Warm, wet, lovely tongue...pretty blacksmith...Bootstrap's son...

"No! Not good!" He waved his arms frantically, breaking Will's hold but unfortunately slipping backwards to land on the sooty floor. Will, his face hungry and desperate, stepped easily over the wooden horse and knelt beside Jack, more or less in his lap. Jack rubbed his sore backside and whipped his head from side to side, trying to avoid the messy little kisses Will was dropping on his face but more importantly trying to think.

Will finally held either side of his neck to keep him still; Jack blinked up at him, certain that slobber had gotten into his eyes.

"I love you, Jack" said Will throatily, caressing Jack's jawline with his thumbs. "I've loved you since the beginning, only I never knew it..."

Jack lifted his hands, having to grab onto the front of Will's shirt to keep himself from falling over again. "Now wait just a minute, lad – think 'bout how ridiculous that sounds," he said breathlessly, snapping his teeth in warning when Will looked as though he was swooping in for another go. "You're mate to Lizzie's soul, and y' don't even like men."

Will's lower lip stuck out in a pout, and Jack hated himself for it, but he very much enjoyed the sight. "I could like men," said the boy sulkily. "You don't know. Perhaps I've been having shameful dreams about the commodore since puberty."

"An' that would be your own business," said Jack. "Even if it's so, you're still newly and happily married to a woman who, quite frankly, is more than capable of havin' both our balls for this." And Bill would come back from his watery grave to pop me a good 'un if I so much as touched you.

"I don't care about any of that," Will cried passionately, grinding himself down against Jack. "We'll sail away, we'll be free for the rest of our lives..."

"If you'd wanted that, you'd've done it already," Jack said, knowing that it was useless to argue with anyone in this state, much less the very young and very stubborn. Problem was, he wasn't in a suitable position to lever Will off of his lap. And Will's thigh was blocking his sword hilt.

Will had his nose buried behind Jack's ear, breathing deeply and contentedly. "Oh, for so long I've wanted you to hold me like this, Jack..."

"William, love, get off!" Jack wrinkled his nose at his own choice of wording. The wriggling Will continued to do was helping them both in that department, though Jack was at least trying to hide it.

"See, you do care for me!" said Will, a fanatic gleam in his eyes. "Why else would you have called me that?"

Jack placed his hands flat on the floor and tried to heave upward, but oh, that was definitely not helping manners any. "I don't mean anything by it," he said, exasperated. "'S just a word. I could've easily called you 'brat.' Brat," he tried hopefully. "Blackguard? Whoreson? Bullheaded lout of a landlubbing scumbucket?"

Will merely smiled mistily and tucked his head under Jack's chin. "You say such sweet things when you're angry, my love."

The sound of someone pounding on the door – Jack had bolted it behind him, for safety's sake – disturbed them before Jack could weep in frustration. This, at least, got Will to scramble to his feet.

"Hurry," he hissed, pulling Jack up as well and brushing solicitously at his clothing – including, Jack noted, the seat of his breeches. "If anyone should find us out, we'll be clapped in irons!"

"Will?"

The boy blanched. "It's Elizabeth! Blast, I can't face her like this –"

"How's about you go hide over there –" Jack pointed vaguely to the shadows behind them. "– an' I'll greet dear Lizzie."

"That's a clever plan!" Will enthused, clinging to Jack's hands. He pecked Jack on the cheek. "Keep her thinking all is well, and then tonight we can sneak away to the Pearl."

"Sure," said Jack, shoving him off. "Lookin' forward to it." Once Will had tucked himself under a table in the gloom, Jack went to let Elizabeth in. She smiled warmly at him, hugging a long, heavy cloak around her body.

"You don't look surprised to see me," said Jack.

"Hello to you too," Elizabeth retorted. "I heard you were in town."

Jack resisted the urge to stamp his foot. "But I was being sneaky."

"It doesn't matter," said Elizabeth, her hazel eyes twinkling. "Come here and greet me properly." Refreshed by her usual tartness, Jack spread his arms and Elizabeth threw herself into his embrace, wrapping her arms around him in turn.

For several long seconds they neither moved nor spoke. Then Jack said calmly, "Elizabeth?"

"Yes, Jack?" Her voice was muffled against his shoulder.

"Why are you not wearing anything underneath that cloak?"

Elizabeth lifted her head, beaming. "Happy birthday."

"My birthday's not for another fortnight," said Jack, keeping absolutely still out of fear that moving would create friction, and he would be even more aware of stark-naked bits of Elizabeth pressed against already-awake bits of himself.

She shrugged, nibbling at his left earlobe. "Guidelines," she muttered around the small gold hoop piercing his flesh.

Will chose that moment to spring up from his hiding place, pointing an accusing finger at his wife.

"Elizabeth!" he thundered. She leapt back, but not far, and she looked more defiant than guilty.

"I can explain," said Jack quickly, an automated reaction stemming from previous situations that had started out looking quite a bit like this.

"You aren't the one who needs to do so." Will stalked over to his wife, eyes blazing. "How dare you attempt to seduce my lover, Elizabeth!"

"Your lover?" said Elizabeth and Jack together, she with righteous anger and he with horrified indignation.

Elizabeth whirled on Jack, clutching the cloak tight again, much to his relief. "Jack, is this true?"

"Of course not!"

"Yes!" said Will at the same time, shooting Jack a wounded look. "Jack, hasn't the time we've spent together meant anything to you?"

"What time? The last five minutes?"

"What about me?" Elizabeth demanded, planting fists on her hips and thereby letting her covering fall open. Jack immediately clapped a hand over his eyes. "Oh for God's sake," she said witheringly, "it's not as if you've never seen a naked woman before."

"True," said Jack, still shielding his vision, "but if you ever happen t' regain your senses, you will ask if I looked, and you will slap me if I say yes."

"You could lie and I'll pretend to believe you," said Elizabeth silkily. He felt a slim hand creep up his shirt front and he made a sign of the cross with both hands, shutting his eyes tightly.

"Stop that!" Will said. He stepped up behind Jack and pulled him away from Elizabeth. Jack didn't know whether he should be grateful or alarmed.

He chanced to open his eyes and found Elizabeth thankfully covered once more. "I cannot believe you would betray our vows, Will Turner," she sniffed, glaring at her husband.

"I can't believe you would!"

Elizabeth tossed her head, smirking. "It takes a real man to satisfy a woman of my disposition."

"As it does for me – except for the part about being a woman," he said, lowering his eyelashes at Jack. "I can assure you, there's nothing womanlike about me..." He attempted to sidle up to Jack. Jack darted forward only to find Elizabeth in the way. He decided that Will was safer, since he was still fully clothed.

"Jack wants someone tender and feminine," said Elizabeth bracingly. "He wants the kind of intimacy a woman provides – not the kind that involves belching and crotch-scratching." Her eyes took on a fond, faraway look. "He cried when we made love on the island..."

"I most certainly didn't!" Jack shouted, then, seeing Will's face crumple as though someone had just told him his puppy had drowned trying to save a bunch of baby sea otters, "We didn't!"

Elizabeth scowled at him. "Well, we could have."

"We could not have! You got me drunk, and b'sides, like I'd've trusted you with the goods after what happened to me rum?"

"Jack," said Will, fixing him with big, pleading eyes, "tell her the truth. Tell her you love me."

Jack's mouth fell open and flopped aimlessly for a moment.

"Wait," said Elizabeth, holding up a hand. "What we need to do here is use our brains and examine the situation from a clear perspective."

Jack clasped his hands together, hardly daring to hope. Could it be possible that this was all an elaborate hoax? A dream, perhaps? God, what he wouldn't give to have a fist fly into his face right now, if it meant husband or wife was jealous for the right reaons.

"I am in love with Jack." She nodded politely to Will. "You are in love with Jack."

"Er...that's not exactly..." Jack trailed off, his spirits sinking.

"What are you suggesting?" Will wanted to know, his brow furrowed with suspicion.

Elizabeth minced over to him, tracing a finger down his cheek. "Well, being that we are married, and married couples are meant to share all the joys of life..." She turned, letting Will wrap his arms around her from behind. They each crooked a finger at Jack, wearing twin devious grins.

Jack put a hand to his heart to check that it was still beating. "The devil is real an' factual."

"Come on, Jack," Elizabeth purred. "Play with us."

"We're ripe for the...taking," murmured Will, sinking his teeth into Elizabeth's pale neck.

"He's waiting just around the corner t' take me down to hell," said Jack hollowly. "I shall burn forever more in a lake of fire and brimstone."

"We'll make you burn," Elizabeth offered in a bright tone. Will nodded frantically.

Jack heaved a deep, deep sigh. When faced with a situation such as this, there was really only one choice to be made.

"Ouch! Lemme go!"

"I thought you might like it rough, Jack, but I must admit this wasn't entirely what I had in –"

"Quiet, both o' you," Jack barked. Having led the Turners to the governor's house, each by an ear, he rapped on the door with his own forehead. Elizabeth and Will squirmed and he pinched harder.

A startled maid answered. "I'm here to deliver the governor's children," said Jack. She dimpled at him and let him pull the two young people inside. Will had resorted to whimpering and hugging himself. Elizabeth was still trying to grope her handler.

Swann came barreling down the staircase, fixing his wig. "Sparrow!" he cried. "What on earth might you be doing here?"

Jack released his two charges, who shook themselves like ducks shaking off water and rubbed at their reddened ears. "Your daughter and your son-in-law need to be taken in hand, sir. They're both behavin' abominably."

The older man puffed out his chest. "And by what authority do you judge their behavior, Mr. Sparrow?"

"The authority of the bothered and the beleaguered," said Jack. "And now I'll be on my way."

It had only just occurred to him that walking right into the governor's home might not have been the best of ideas. He blamed his lack of foresight on the boy and girl currently casting lustful stares at his rear.

"Wait," said Swann in ringing, English tones of command. Jack halted mid-stride, wincing. He turned slowly, holding his hands up in meek supplication.

Swann tugged anxiously at his buttons and cleared his throat. "There is no need to disappear so soon, Mr. – Captain Sparrow."

"I beg to differ, seeing's how it's sorta your duty to hang me, and my duty to keep meself from bein' hanged," said Jack as politely as he knew how.

"Yes, well, we can sort out that nasty business over a nice cup of tea. How do you feel about blueberries? I can have the cook whip up some currant scones if these are not to your liking."

It took Jack a full thirty seconds to realize the governor was smiling at him. And smiling in far too friendly of a matter. In fact, he was practically leering – a subtle, well-bred leer, but a leer nonetheless. Will and Elizabeth were united again, this time in looking murderous. The maid who'd come to the door and a tall, gaunt manservant were huddling by the staircase, whispering and looking him over.

Jack did what had proven to be his salvation in less trying times than these. He turned tail and fled.

He got about ten yards down the path to the gates before running full tilt into the selfsame person he was least anxious to see.

"Jack Sparrow," said Commodore Norrington evenly, holding him at arm's length.