Slaying

Buffy is exhausted though I think it's more emotional than physical and I'm not surprised by that. We ran into two fledglings tonight and she managed to dust them both but it was not her usual fighting style... there was clearly more desperation than skill in her movements and no one would have called it dancing, but fortunately she managed to pull it off. She was terrified, as I suspected she might be, but at least she didn't freeze and in the end she did do it on her own, Spike and I didn't have to do anything but watch her back.

I think it's time for us to start going on patrol with Spike once or twice a week for a couple of hours. I am aware that it's going to take a very long time for Buffy to get back to a place where she can take over most of her old responsibilities and I don't think I'll ever feel comfortable letting her go out there alone again but I do know that right now she needs to do this. She has reached a point where I think she's finally looking forward to trying new things and that in itself is a double edged sword.

For the most part I think I can let her take the lead. I believe I can trust her to let me know how much she feels she can handle but I am also aware that there are some limits to what she can do and how often she can go out there and I don't know how to set those limits without hurting her, without causing her to doubt herself more than she already does. The thing is that the limit of once or twice a week for no more than a couple of hours at a time is not just for her benefit but also a matter of need.

I realize that at least at first her patrols are going to be mostly about helping Buffy regain her confidence when it comes to slaying, but the fact remains that we are still on top of a hellmouth and while Buffy is incapacitated Spike has been acting as its guardian... and unfortunately that also means he can't afford to spend too much time babysitting Buffy on patrol. And that brings me back to my original problem: how can I help Buffy regain her confidence while telling her that I don't think she's ready to take over just yet?

I know that in a twisted way I've been lucky so far. For the most part Buffy has been too scared to take on more than she can handle --which is a far cry from the way she used to be-- but from what I can see in her attitude now I can only hope that's finally about to change. She is still skittish but I am getting to see more and more glimpses of my determined slayer as time goes by. I hope it won't be too long before I find myself once again trying to keep her from taking too many chances instead of trying to encourage her to move forward. While she is still nervous --unsure of herself and the world around her-- and she still needs to be reassured often, she's starting to try and fight her fears more actively... at least as long as I'm around. She's still reluctant to try new things when it's just her and the Scoobies, and she still won't even consider the possibility of setting foot outside this house on her own. The good news is that at least her friends finally seem to have understood that they can't push too hard and they are actively keeping Dawn under control when they go out with Buffy and that has made things easier for me. There are places where it is more natural for her to go with Willow and Tara than with me, places where my presence would be unnatural and she is finally beginning to reclaim them as her own... in fact she actually seemed to be almost excited when Tara suggested that maybe it would be a good idea for Buffy to sit in in an art history class with her.

I know that hoping that she will eventually be able to go back to school as a regular student may be a bit much, but I also know that resuming her education is something she should probably try to do sooner or later, so that when she's ready to lead a more normal life she'll be in a position to do so and she won't be reduced to flipping burgers... as it is she's already more than a year behind and I know the longer she waits the harder it will be for her to catch up. I may dislike computers but seeing how much time Buffy spends here at home --and how painful it still is for her to go out-- maybe I should consider the possibility of asking Willow to look into some distance learning options for her. That would at least enable her to further her education without adding any more stress to her life and it will give her something to do while she's home.

Tonight's patrol may have been all the evidence I needed to convince myself of the fact that Buffy is ready to take the first steps toward becoming the slayer again, but I am all too aware of how hard she fought to be allowed to be more than just the slayer. At first I struggled with her need to remain 'just another girl', now I know better.