Sleeping

It's strange, sort of. For all her progress in virtually every other aspect of her life there remains one area in which Buffy has made no progress whatsoever: sleep. In the beginning I thought it was only a matter of time before she would overcome that problem, in fact I even believed it would be one of the first obstacles she would conquer, instead it remains unchallenged even now. Even after all this time she still cannot sleep alone and I'm beginning to fear that may be the one thing she will never overcome.

To this day I'm still sleeping with her and I've reached a point where it almost feels natural for me to do so. I'm not even trying to encourage her to sleep alone any more, I haven't for a while, not since I realized that all I was doing was encourage her to try to avoid sleep altogether and making matters worse for her. She still has nightmares almost every night, that hasn't changed, and I still find them as disturbing as ever but we never talk about them. I don't bring them up and I know she's relieved by that.

I guess in a way this particular problem can be seen as being almost natural. In her waking hours she can remind herself that she's safe in countless little ways --whether she is aware of them or not-- in her sleep most of those reassurances are taken away from her as she loses all her conscious references and she finds herself back in Hell... and it is then that my heartbeat --and maybe my scent-- becomes once again her only lifeline, as it was shortly after her return.

For my part I have to admit that I enjoy watching her sleep, having her next to me, feeling her alive and solid... real. While I still hate why she needs to have me there I do like being there. A couple of times I've actually feared that maybe it was I who needed that contact, that I was unconsciously holding her back but the rational part of my brain knows that's not really the case... her screams in those few instances in which she actually dozed off on the couch when she was on her own were confirmation enough, besides, having to calm down a disoriented slayer can be downright dangerous for those around her. No, it's safer for everyone that we sleep together.

The thing is that ever since we moved here I haven't spent a single night in my own room, though I am always careful to leave no trace of my presence in Buffy's. I wonder what would Dawn's annoying case worker say if she knew where I spend my nights. I know there's nothing going on between us --not to mention the fact that Buffy's potential sex life is one bloody mess I don't have the first clue of how to untangle-- but I doubt we could convince her of that.

The truth is that even though Buffy is doing so much better sometimes I'm still not sure how we'll get by with that nosy woman sniffing around for the next couple of years... as it is we've had a couple of close calls already, starting with our less than orthodox little family. Explaining my presence at first was easy enough, all it took were a couple of slight misrepresentations and suddenly I found myself painted in the role of Joyce's last boyfriend --not exactly a lie thanks to Ethan-- who had decided to honor her memory by staying involved in her daughters' lives. Spike was not so easy to explain and Willow and Tara were even more difficult.

The constant threat of Family Services has been an issue ever since I came back. Buffy is in no shape to care for her sister but she would be devastated if Dawn were to be taken away from her. In a sense the fact that her father has shown no interest in his daughters' welfare since Joyce died has been a blessing... and sometimes I wonder whether or not his indifference has something to do with Dawn's true nature. I know Hank was never exactly father of the year material --he was absent from Buffy's life even before she turned eighteen and since long before Dawn came into the scene-- but I'm not convinced the monks that created Dawn didn't have something to do with his current attitude. If they were powerful enough to incorporate Dawn into our collective memories then maybe they did something to Hank too, something that destroyed his last emotional connection to his daughters or at least to Buffy. It would make sense if the Key needed protection for the monks to remove the most dangerous threat to their carefully constructed plan: the possibility that her 'father' could possibly gain custody of her and take her away from the slayer.

I don't know if that's the case, I don't know if that's the true reason for Hank's indifference, but that rationalization is enough to keep me from tracking him down and wringing his neck so it will have to do... besides deep down I know that his absence has been a blessing in more ways than one. It's not just that it's enabled Buffy to keep her sister by her side, it's what I fear would happen if Hank were to walk in the door. Buffy was hurt mostly by those she trusted to keep her safe. She was hurt by Angel and by me --there's no question about that-- and I'm pretty sure that somewhere in her there still remained a little girl who trusted her daddy to keep her safe. She was betrayed by those she trusted and that brings me back to what I've been so desperately trying to avoid.

I realize that my mind has been wondering all over the place for hours now as I watch Buffy sleep but I guess that's because I don't want to think of what we'll be doing in a couple of hours. As hard as it is for me to keep myself from holding Buffy back sometimes I have to admit that what she wants to try scares me. I can't help but fear that it is far too soon even though I know it's perfectly safe... or rather I know it's not physically dangerous. I don't think she's ready but I understand it is important for her to try it so I'll bite back my fears and hope that she'll make it through the experience unharmed.