Visiting

I guess this is what people mean when they say that the tension in a room can be cut with a knife... not that I'm surprised by it. Even though we can all be described as friends this is far from a friendly gathering.

Out of habit I almost made a serious mistake as soon as we arrived. I was waiting for Buffy to sit down before doing so myself. It's strange how even those small details have to be taken into account now. Waiting for Buffy to sit down first would have been the 'proper' thing to do, it was something that was drilled into me ever since I can remember but it would also have been wrong under the circumstances. In this particular instance it was important for Buffy to be able to set the distance between us and I knew it. She is sitting next to me but she's not touching me. I think she feels this is something she has to try and endure without any sort of reassurance, so I stay by her side, watching her, ready to offer my help if it's needed but I don't do anything, not yet.

Watching her --watching them-- is strange and almost painful. I remember the closeness and the trust they used to share. That is gone now as she can barely stand to be in the same room with him and we all know he will never be able to rebuild that trust. It took me this long to regain it myself but I had a critical advantage: a heartbeat.

I wonder who she sees when she looks at him... Angel or Angelus. What kind of memories are running through her head, how is she really doing. I can see she's scared and I can see she's trying to be brave but it is costing her dearly.

I've also been observing Angel ever since we arrived. He's been careful not to touch her, not to make any sudden moves that may startle her or that she may perceive as threatening and the conversation between them has been extremely polite but so distant, so impersonal as to be almost painful. They are not exactly talking about the weather, but almost. I try to tell myself that this is not about them trying to rebuild their friendship but rather about Buffy trying to overcome her fears and yet there is a sense of finality to this meeting that none of us can deny. I'm surprised to discover that it saddens me.

There was a time not so long ago when all I wanted was for Angel to disappear, to have nothing more to do with Buffy but now I have to admit that seeing him greeting Buffy without trying to hug her, kiss her or even shake her hand was disturbing. In a sense it made his loss more real than seeing her flinch away from him. At least we were lucky in that this happened now and not three years ago. Now it's painful but at least I can take some comfort in the knowledge that they had both already moved on from what they once had... a few years ago it would have been devastating for both of them.

Oddly enough I think it would be possible for them to reestablish some sort of relationship --even if it is only long distance-- but I'm not sure that would be a good idea, at least not right now. It would be reasonably easy for Buffy to get reacquainted with Angel's voice via the telephone --as long as she remains in an environment where she feels safe-- and I have considered mentioning that option to both of them more than once but the truth is that I fear that could end up doing more harm than good. It would allow them to remain in touch but it could also prevent them from accepting the reality of the limitations that now mark their relationship and that is something they must come to terms with. It is true that because of who they are, of what they are, they are bound to have to collaborate with each other sometimes for as long as they live --and that is particularly true now that Buffy is taking the first steps toward reclaiming her role as the slayer-- but there will be no way for them to escape the ghost of what they once were.

We stay for a couple of hours, trying to pretend everything is just fine, but eventually I realize that the stress is getting to Buffy and she is getting tired... unfortunately neither she nor Angel seem to know how to put an end to this. Finally I decide to take matters into my own hands and I tell Buffy we should be heading home.

This encounter may have been necessary but the truth is that I'm just glad it's over.