By Ai
The vase smashed against the wall, sending colourful shards of glass, bits of stem and petals and droplets of water everywhere. Yes, she had thrown the vase against the wall. She was breathing heavily and tears threatened to spill onto her face.
I couldn't tell youWhy she felt that way
She felt it everyday
Hurried footsteps came to her door. Multiple knocks were made on her door.
"Miss, are you alright in there? Miss?" many voices asked her.
She took her agenda from her briefcase and proceeded to rip all the pages out and shred them to bits and pieces.
"Miss? Please answer me or I'll have to make a force entry."
She ignored them and went to her vanity table where various antidepressants as well as sleeping pills sat neatly in rows. With a forceful sweep, all the tiny bottles ended up on the floor, some of their contents spilling out onto the carpeted floor.
The door was kicked open…everyone outside peering in, frightened. The girl only stared back, her once shiny and luscious hair limp and disheveled, hiding her face. Her eyes were dull and deep bags were present underneath her eyes. Her clothes hung off her already petite and too thin frame. Her feet were bare and her hands were hanging at her sides. She was still in work attire, but her jacket and nylon stockings were taken off.
"Miss…what happened?" Her bodyguard asked her; he had kicked open the door.
"I'm fine," she replied in a monotone.
"Dinner is ready, Miss…you need to eat something." Her kind butler suggested, seeing that she didn't want to talk about it.
"I'm not hungry." She walked into her bathroom suite and closed the door behind her, clicking the lock firmly shut. Her staff shook their heads and quickly filed out of the room…they would clean the mess up later, when she was ready to permit them to do so. They would not make that mistake again…she was vulnerable now…anything could provoke her. Her bodyguard re-stationed himself outside of her door, listening for anything…anything that might indicate that something was out of place.
And I couldn't help her
I just watched her make
The same mistakes again
It wasn't the first time this has happened. A few months ago, it had been once in a while after an especially stressful day…recently, it had been happening a few times a week and within this month, the problem had escalated to occurring sometimes as often as a few times per day. Her problem started a year ago, but had stopped after she sought the help of a psychiatrist and psychologist team. That's where her antidepressants came from. But somehow, suddenly, they had started again without warning. At first, she'd be calm and relieved after a tantrum…now, it seemed to have no effect. Lashing out didn't release the inner rage she felt inside.
What's wrong what's wrong now?She splashed water on her face after dressing herself in a t-shirt and comfortable jeans. She looked at her reflection…she hated seeing herself, she hated being herself…she hated living even. Suddenly, she couldn't breathe and she felt her rage boil as she looked at the pitiful image in front of her…the ugly, sickening image…it was unbearable. She smashed the image with her bare first. She didn't cry out or flinch; she had become numb to the pain for a while now. Letting the blood run down her hand, she swept some hair out of her eyes and walked out of her bathroom, pulling on some old sneakers and exiting her room. She came face to face with her bodyguard.
Too many too many problems"I heard something break…is everything ok?" He asked with concern.
She didn't look at him, she just nodded.
"Your hand…it's bleeding profusely…what exactly happened in there??" He demanded.
She glared straight at him.
"You have no right to ask, you have no need to know, just let me be!" She screamed before taking off down the hall.
Don't know where she belongsHer butler saw her running down the stairs towards the door.
"Miss, you're not planning on going out are you? It's dangerous and rainy out there."
She didn't slow down to answer him. She didn't even look at him.
"At least take an umbrella!" He called after her but she kept on running and was out the door in an instant as thunder shook the ground.
The butler looked worriedly at her disappearing back as he saw the rain pound on her, but there was nothing he could do for her, anymore.
Where she belongs…She ran until her legs couldn't keep up with her will anymore and she half fell to a stop. She was soaked through, the blood washed away with the rain and her hair darkened, curling into slight ringlets. She staggered to one side, sat down, drawing her knees up to her chin. It was so horrible…she could never overcome that emptiness in her. She hated herself for being selfish but she couldn't help herself anymore. Her strength crumpled more each passing day. She was so sick of being half-alive.
She wants to go home
But nobody's home
That's where she lies
Broken inside
"Why can't I live my own life? Why do I always have to be left behind?" She yelled out to no one in particular. Of course, no one was there to listen either. The streets were deserted at this hour in the violent weather.
"You said you loved me…why'd you leave me brother? Why'd you leave with her? You two were the only people I considered family other than mom and dad. And my friends…my friends…why can't you all understand? Why can't you all let me go?"
With no place to go
No place to go
To dry her eyes
Broken inside
She slammed her injured fist into a nearby tree. It stung…badly. By this time, she was coughing out the rainwater she'd taken in from yelling.
Open your eyes
And look outside
Find the reasons why
You've been rejected
Now you can't findWhat you've left behind
"I can't keep up the pretending, can't keep up with the 'no flaws' rule! Why is the world betraying me? The world I fought for is betraying me, WHY?!? Everyday, I tell myself to open my eyes, to find solutions to the mountain of problems I'm paid to face everyday and yet, I can't find my own way out! Why do I have to sacrifice my own dreams, my wants, my needs, my fucking sanity?!? Why do I have to hide behind a mask? Why do I have to be the strong one? I'm so tired of it all!!" She fell to the ground beneath her as sobs racked her body.
Be strong be strong now
Too many too many problems
Don't know where she belongs
Where she belongs…
"Why can't there be a place I can run to…a place I can go home to…why can't there be someone at home? Why is there nobody home? Why do I have to go back to an empty house??" She choked out. She fiercely wiped away her tears and stood up, glaring at the dark sky as rain assaulted her endlessly.
She wants to go home
But nobody's home
That's where she lies
Broken inside
"You think you've got everybody fooled, but somehow, you're everybody's fool Relena Darlian Peacecraft. Did you know that? You're so stupid!!!" She cried. "It's all a lie. Stop trying to pretend everything is perfect and that people care! It never was and never will be. Milliardo and Noin don't care. Hilde, Quatre, Duo, Trowa, Sally, Dorothy and even the very annoying Wufei don't care. The people don't care. Nobody cares! And Heero…Heero never cared! Have you no shame? You're so stupid, you have nothing…you're nothing!! You now know the truth. You don't belong here…did you hear that Relena? You don't belong!" She lowered her head at that statement, angry tears streaming down her soaked cheeks.
With no place to go
No place to go
To dry her eyes
Broken inside
The rain kept on falling. Time kept on passing. The world kept on turning. She knew that.
What should I believe in…what can I believe in?
Her feelings she hides
Her dreams she can't find
She's losing her mind
She's falling behindShe can't find her place
She's losing her faith
She's fallen from grace
She's all over the place…yeah
Relena started walking down the street again until her foot got caught on something. Lightning illuminated the view around her. She had reached the alley where the local diner's dumpster sat. She had walked into a box. She crouched down and at a closer inspection, she recognized her own box…the box she had thrown out a week ago…when she thought throwing out her past would've helped her in the game of make-belief. She thought leaving Relena behind would have helped her be more efficient as foreign minister. She thought leaving Relena behind would have cured her pain…but the pain only intensified. It was like pouring salt over a fresh and open wound. She had received a promotion slightly over a year ago and it had started all her torture. She thought she could handle being the youngest politician ever to take the seat of minister, was she ever wrong.
She wants to go home
But nobody's home
That's where she lies
Broken inside
"Who do you think you are, Relena Peacecraft?" She whispered to herself in an accusatory tone.
With no place to go
No place to go
To dry her eyes
Broken inside
She proceeded to open the box and went through the items. Soggy photographs made up most of it. There were some pieces of jewelry and gifts from close friends. Some waterlogged certificates of her numerous achievements. Drenched Christmas and birthday cards with the ink in them running everywhere. Souvenirs she acquired from her travels were there too. At last, she came to the final piece at the bottom of the box, a teddy bear with worn fur but bright eyes and a messy blue bow around its neck. Slowly, she fingered the sopping bear before she held it close, tears escaping her eyes.
"You're still here…they haven't thrown you out yet," she said to the bear.
Suddenly a strong gust of wind sent her paper possessions flying everywhere and she could care less except that one photograph caught her eye. It was half ruined by the rain but she could still see that it was a group photo with her mom there, her brother and future sister-in-law and her friends. It was also the only photo she had of her and Heero…he was standing awkwardly beside her. She went after it.
"No!" She reached her free hand out for it but the wind was teasing her and carried it out of her grasp. Relena held on tightly to the bear and continued her chase. Suddenly, everything was very bright. She stopped in her tracks. She heard a loud noise. She gasped and saw the danger approaching her but she could not move…she was frozen in place. Her eyes widened. Everything went black.
She's lost inside lost inside
She's lost inside, lost inside…
He had snuck in to see her, but he hadn't prepared himself to see her…like that. She was bandaged all over and using an oxygen mask to help her breathe. She was connected to various machines, which monitored her heartbeat, breathing…everything. Her skin was black and blue and she adorned scratches everywhere. He was so used to seeing her full of life, not lying so still that if it weren't for the sucking sound of the oxygen mask and the beeping of the heart monitor, anyone who'd walk in would have thought she were dead. He came as soon as he saw the news…and it sure made the headline. But he didn't care about what would happen to the world, what would happen to the government, what would happen to the peace, what would happen to himself…he only cared about how she was.
From what he'd heard, the doctors think it was a miracle for her to have made it thus far. Of course, she was still in critical condition and would need unlimited support from her loved ones to make any new progress.
It was four o'clock in the morning…he came at a time when he was sure her room would be deserted. He took a seat beside her bed and fished her hand out of the sheets and wire and held onto it gently but firmly.
"Hey…" he started off. "Why wasn't anyone watching you?" He demanded but sighed afterwards.
"I shouldn't have left you. I promised to protect you but I didn't…I'm…I'm…so…sorry. I thought you'd be better off if I were gone. I thought you were happy…but you never were, were you? I know you're tired of fighting, I know you're in pain. Believe me, I know exactly how you feel but please, fight one more time…for yourself…for the others…and if I may add selfishly…for me?" He closed his eyes.
"I know I have no right to ask that of you but please…I will never ask anything of you, ever again." He released her hand, tucking it back into the mound of sheets and stood up. He noticed the battered bear by her head. He had heard how the paramedics had found her clutching the tiny bear when they arrived at the scene of the accident. Why, nobody knew. His gaze softened and he was reluctant to leave her.
"I have to go before someone catches me here. Please Relena…I…" he brushed a piece of her hair aside and let his lips brush against her forehead. He was gone before he realized that her fingers had moved in response.
Heero sat restlessly in his seat as he waited for the lecture to begin. He had been glued to the news on TV for any latest info on her ever since he had left and he knew from last evening's report that she had been finally released from the hospital after 5 months of recovery and therapy and had been excused from her position as foreign minister. Heero was happy for her, he knew that the job was breaking her and now, she was a free woman. His thoughts drifted to her…what were her plans now that she wasn't tied down anymore? How was she doing? He snapped back to reality when the professor entered the room…but he wasn't alone. Heero's eyes widened.
"Class, we have a new student joining us today," he turned to her, "would you like to introduce yourself?" She nodded and smiled.
"Hi, my name is Renée Darlian. Nice to meet you all."
"Thank you, Renée. You may take a seat next to Mr. Yuy over there." The professor proceeded to start the lecture.
She walked up to the empty seat and sat down. He stared at her. She turned around to say hi to him but when she saw him, her face paled.
"Relena?" He asked her.
"How'd you…" she stammered. He was confused. She didn't even wear a disguise so why would she be shocked that he recognized her. Sure, she wore her hair a bit differently but the colour was the same, her eyes were the same, her face was the same…she was in a fitted t-shirt and a pair of navy low-rise jeans…she wasn't hard to recognize. However, she had already directed her attention to the lecturing professor although she seemed tense. Heero forced himself to turn his attention to the professor too. He'd have to confront her later.
"Hey!" He caught up with her after class. She turned around to look at him in the eye.
"Who are you?" She asked. He was taken aback.
"Relena, are you joking with me?" he asked, "because it's not funny."
"How do you know I'm called Relena?" she demanded.
If he had been drinking, he would've choked on it.
"What do you mean how do I know?" he questioned.
"I'm supposed to be Renée to everyone here…how is it that you know my real name?" She eyed him suspiciously.
Heero was at a lost for words for once in his life. He finally found something to say.
"Do you have any idea who I am?" he asked her and anxiously awaited her response.
"No…" His jaw dropped, he thought his heart broke too.
"But I want to show you something." She started walking away and he just stood there. She stopped and turned around.
"Well, are you coming or not?" She asked. He blinked before something clicked in his mind and he hurried after her.
They got to her dorm room. While Relena fiddled with the keys, Heero looked around carefully.
"Maybe I shouldn't be here…"
"Don't worry, I don't have a roommate." She told him as she opened the door.
When he stepped in, he was blown away. He could see his own face everywhere. On canvases, on paper, in paint, in pencil, in crayon, in pastel…it was everywhere.
"What the heck…" He looked around. She waited for him to absorb everything.
"I thought you had no clue who I was," Heero asked, flabbergasted.
"I don't…but I see your face in my dreams every night…and I draw it down when I wake up. Who are you?" She asked him.
"What happened Relena? Why don't you remember me? I'm Heero!" He told her.
"Heero? I…I'm suffering from memory loss. Doctors say it's likely to be permanent…at least now, I can put a name to your face." She smiled sadly.
That's why the colour drained from her face when she saw me…she knows my face but she doesn't know who I am!
"Can you tell me more?" He asked her.
"I can only tell you what they told me. They told me I was in a terrible car accident where I received a serious head injury, giving me amnesia. You can probably guess how freaked out I was waking up in a hospital room, groggy from the painkillers with all these faces I didn't recognize around me. They told me that my name was Relena Darlian Peacecraft and that I had a mother, a brother, a sister-in-law and many friends. They told me I was a politician and that I was eighteen years old. They told me my birth date and my birthplace. They introduced me to my mother, my brother, my sister-in-law, my friends…they told me everything they could about my past…" She proceeded to tell him the things they told her. Heero noticed that Milliardo and the others had carefully left out the stuff that would've caused her pain, mostly which was the horrible deaths of her parents and adoptive father and her job experiences.
"Did they tell you about me?" he asked.
"No…they didn't." His heart dropped but he knew why…they were careful to leave out anything that would've caused her pain…he caused her pain.
"But why don't you tell me about you yourself then." She smiled at him and he couldn't help but smile back. He had become more human over the years living a normal teenage life.
"We met…on a beach three, almost four years ago…when we were fifteen…and I have to admit, it wasn't the friendliest of meetings…" He went into detail about everything that concerned the two of them. He didn't know why he did so, maybe because subconsciously, he hoped that he would trigger her memory.
When he was finished, she was looking at him differently.
"Why did you leave?" She asked him. He gulped; he was hoping she wouldn't ask that.
"I…I thought you'd be better off without me. You deserve so much better. I thought you were happy." She nodded.
"Did I love you?" She asked him. Now, he didn't expect her to ask him that at all.
"I…" he wanted to say he didn't know, but he did, "I…I guess you did." He smiled wistfully at her. "I'm sorry."
"You don't need to be sorry," she smiled bravely, "do you love me?"
Shocked, he was not prepared to answer her at all.
"I didn't know."
"How about now?" she pressed on.
"What do you mean, now?"
"You said you didn't know…that means you know now."
She was too smart for him. He closed his eyes. Just follow your emotions, Yuy…come on; you learned that much, to follow your own advice after all these years…
"I…I do. I love you."
"I'm sorry." She said.
"Why?"
"Because…I forgot about you." She was teary-eyed.
"You didn't, look at all these pictures." He smiled at her, she smiled back.
"The bear…" all of a sudden, he saw the scruffy bear on her bed.
"They say it saved me from dying that day. It was there with me all the way. Are you somehow connected to the bear?" She reached for it.
"Yeah…" he ran his hand through his hair, "I gave it to you for your sixteenth birthday. It's nice to see it's been cherished all this time." He grinned.
"I guess that means you're my guardian angel then."
"I did promise to protect you."
"I need to know one thing, Heero."
"What is it Relena?" He was alarmed, it was the first time she had addressed him by his name.
"Did you ever visit me at the hospital?" She looked hopeful.
"I…once…" he admitted.
"I think I felt your presence there…I don't think I would've woken up without you being there," she looked sincerely at him and he was slightly embarrassed.
"So…do you live with Milliardo and Noin now?" he asked her, moving onto another subject.
"I would have, but I'm living with my mom now," she replied.
"Mrs. Darlian?"
"Yeah, it's more convenient for me to attend classes at the university and Milliardo thinks it'll make my adjustments more comfortable."
"I see. Oh yeah…why are you going by Renée?" He asked her, trying to continue the conversation.
"I dunno, I suppose it's because I was a politician and Milliardo didn't want other people to hassle me about it so he told me to go by an alias. He said it's for my own protection." She shrugged.
"But don't people recognize you? You're not in disguise or anything like that."
"Oh…sometimes. They ask me if I'm related to Relena." She giggles. "I lie, I know I shouldn't, but I say I'm her cousin."
"I'm sure you're very convincing," he laughed.
The continued to talk until Heero had to get back or he'd be missed.
Heero and Relena hung out a lot during and in between classes. He was her link to her past, to who she was. Plus, the new Heero, the human Heero, was quite fun to be around and he was very good looking. On top of that, the two just seemed to click. Relena may have lost her memories, but she was still Relena. Her accident didn't change much about her, it never has, it never will. The only exception was that she had a heavy weight lifted off her. For once in her life, she felt her age and was happy with her life. Heero had also left behind his agonizing past. His essential qualities were still there but they were both new people who were still meant to be together. They were given a chance to start anew by fate and they readily took it.
A few months later, the group organized a reunion. They were surprised to see Heero show up, let alone show up with Relena. The group was flabbergasted. Milliardo…he didn't know what to think. He was still afraid that Heero would hurt Relena again, but Noin held him back, asking that he give them a chance and reluctantly, Milliardo agreed although he intended to keep a close eye on them.
"He's a new person, isn't he?" Quatre asked the gang, as they looked on to the couple. They were on the beach building a sand castle by the sea.
"Yeah, can you believe it? He actually laughs! I thought the Perfect Soldier was incapable of that!" Duo exclaimed.
"They're so cute together, aren't they?" Hilde giggled.
"They're finally together!!! Look how long it took!" Duo yelled. Everyone laughed.
"School did Heero some good. Maybe leaving wasn't such a bad decision on his part." Trowa said.
"Who knew?" Duo replied.
"What I think is the accident did Relena a world of good. I mean, she went through a lot of physical pain and emotional drain, and it took her a while to cope with the fact as well as receive all that information about the past eighteen years of her life all at once, but it was the only way she could be released from her pain and depression," Sally commented.
"And it was the only way the public would let her go," Quatre added.
They heard the couple's laugh from a distance.
"Wow, it's amazing how Relena forgot everything…she even forgot her family, friends and she forgot all about Heero…but she never forgot her love for him." Dorothy sighed.
"They're perfect for each other…they make each other happy, " Noin said, and everyone had to agree, even the overprotective brother, Milliardo.
"I don't see why we would need to worry about them anymore. That's a mission completed, now I'm hungry…" and Duo went off to find some more food.
The sun was shining and the world was finally upright again.
Owari
A.N. I hoped you readers enjoyed that. I was feeling a bit depressed and I was listening to the music so I decided to write this. I can't believe I finished. Yeah! I feel so sorry for Relena sometimes. I feel that she's the misunderstood character. I like to portray her as a strong young woman most of the time, but sometimes, people just crack. Please leave a review; any comment would be appreciated. Don't send flames, it's a hazard in this weather.
On another note: I know I should've written the next chapters to my other stories first but I promise, I've started and I'm many pages into my chapters…I just need to end it off nicely and then edit. Sorry I'm taking so long but as I develop my stories, I just want to put in more detail, that's what I find anyway. Hopefully, I'll be finished with all three stories this summer. Wish me luck!
Disclaimers The text in italics is the lyrics from Avril Lavigne's "Nobody's Home". I love that song and every time I listen to it, not only can I relate but also it definitely reminds me of Relena. I borrowed some lines from Evanescence's "Everybody's Fool" for Relena's mad rant in the rain and I borrowed that scene where Relena shows Heero the paintings of him from "50 First Dates". Such a funny and sad movie. Anyway, I don't own Gundam Wing; it's self-evident.