Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or anything related. I also don't own Everybody Loves Raymond. I do own a brand spanking new OotP book. Woo.
A/N: Okay, all, this started as 4 AM net surfing, it turned into a crazy fic. I tried to incorporate many of the hilarious "Harry Potter Titles You'll Never See" type things. Here goes.
Harry Potter and the Mysteries of Windows 2000
"What is this thing?" Ron asked, peeringly curiously at the square thing on Hermione's desk.
"It's my computer. I can't bring it to Hogwarts, it won't work there. So I keep it here at my parent's house."
"What's a computer?"
"Oh, that's right. You wouldn't know, would you? Harry knows, don't you Harry?"
"Sure, Dudley plays cool games on his computer. Let me show you, Ron." Harry sat down in front of the computer and began typing furiously. "I know the code for a game, just wait one second." The screen turned blue and random numbers appeared on it.
"NO! NOT THE BLUE SCREEN OF DEATH!" Harry screamed in frustration.
"What's the problem, son?" Hermione's father popped in and asked.
"This blasted machine! It keeps saying Illegal Operation! I haven't even DONE anything! Die, PC, DIE!!!"
Harry Potter and the Enchanted Cheese Grater
"I'm sorry, Hermione, I don't think I made a good impression on your parents."
"No, Harry, bludgeoning an expensive piece of machinery is the perfect way to win them over."
"Oh, good then!"
*sigh*
"hey, Hermione, what's this?" Ron picked up a cheese grater.
"That grates cheese, Ron," she explained in a bored voice.
"Neat!" Ron ran his hand down the grater, tearing off layers of skin and gushing blood.
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"Oh, honestly, come here," Hermione grabbed his hand and pointed her wand at it.
"Hermione, we can't do magic outside of school!"
"I'd say this is an emergency, wouldn't you?" Looking at Ron's bloodied hand, Harry nodded yes.
"All better now," Hermione said. Ron looked down and saw his hand was repaired. He threw his arms
around Hermione in gratitude. She looked revolted and pushed him aside.
"Hey, look at the cheese grater now!" Harry exclaimed. They both looked and saw the grater was dancing along the edge of the counter with a tiny cane and top hat.
"Blimey! Muggles have neat stuff!"
"Uh, Ron, it's not supposed to do that. There must be some odd connection between Muggle objects and Wizard blood."
"Yes."
"Let's just go to school before we totally wreck the place."
Harry Potter and the Urinal of Wisdom
"Ron, I'll be right back, I have to use the loo."
"Wow, I didn't realize we had bodily functions. They've never been mentioned."
"Good point, Ron... but, now, for some reason, I seem to be having one."
"Harry, don't go! What if it's some kind of trap?"
"Calm down, Hermione, we spent the larger part of our second year in a bathroom, and we were fine."
"Yes, but it was a girl's bathroom. Boy's bathrooms aren't always that pleasant."
"You may have a point, but I'm going to go anyway."
Without fear, or a brain, Harry strode off to the boy's bathroom. While he was urinating, he heard a strange voice.
"Harry… you must not stay at Hogwarts."
"Oh, crackers, not this again. Dobby where are you?"
"I am not Dobby. I am the Urinal of Wisdom!"
"Okay, that's creepy… hey, wait, are you for real?"
"Yes. I am a talking urinal!"
"Wow. Neat. Hey, you can see my naughty parts!" Embarrassed, Harry zipped his pants up.
"Without even a follow-up jiggle? Kid, that's asking for trouble."
"So, you really have wisdom huh? What's that?"
"I know, intelligence is such a strange concept for the stupid to handle. We don't need to worry about that. The important thing is, Harry, you must leave Hogwarts at once. There is an evil plot against you."
"When isn't there? I still don't care. My friends are here."
"Oh you big baby. You HAVE to leave. When a urinal tells you what to do, boy, you do it! You simply cannot stay in this series - er, school, any longer. You are driving people mad."
"Ooh, with desire?"
"No, Professor Snape does that. You drive them mad with frustration and homicidal tendencies."
"That doesn't sound good."
"It isn't. Leave at once, boy!"
Harry Potter and the Flobberworm from Hell
"Maybe you should listen, Harry."
"I never have before, Hermione, and I'm still alive!"
"Just barely, and anyway, you only have 2 books left. That's approximately two thousand pages… Something bad could happen."
"Yes, but I will not heed warning. I am a hero, remember? I don't see you fighting Voldemort and having your godfather murdered, and still managing to carry on, now do I??"
"Ron, he's having his tantrums again."
"Cripes, I thought we settled this. Oh well, we're late for Potions, let's just take him with us."
"Oh, sure, don't even ASK me if I want to go. Just drag him along, maybe we'll find trouble on the way and he can save our lives, good old Harry. GOOD OLD HARRY MY FOOT!"
"Yes, yes," Hermione murmured, dragging Harry into the dungeons. He stopped screaming but sat at his desk fuming.
"Get to work!" Professor Snape snapped, flicking his wand at the board. An unusually uncomplicated potion appeared. Hermione looked disappointed, but Ron was glad. With Harry in his funk, he wouldn't do well. And Snape's pestering was not likely to make Mt. Harry any less likely to erupt.
"Yuck, flobberworms!" Ron groaned. Harry grabbed them and started grinding them up, with a maniacal gleam in his eye. Ron backed away a few steps.
"Little flobberworms… grindy grindy grind little flobbies… OUCH!" Harry screamed. Professor Snape wafted over to Harry and Ron, a look of contempt on his face.
"What have you done horrifically wrong now, Mr. Potter?"
"The flobberworm bit me!"
"It doesn't even have the biological capacity to do such a thing, Mr. Potter. Detention."
It was just then that Snape noticed blood gushing from Harry's hand.
"Bloody hell!" exclaimed Ron.
"No pun intended, I presume?"
"Huh?"
"Never mind. Mr. Potter, get to the hospital wing - and hurry before someone realizes that I was wrong! GO!" Harry ran out of the room grasping his bleeding hand. Snape turned to examine the flobberworm in question. "What the…?" the flobberworm's eyes glowed red and a tiny pair of fangs were protruding from it. It stood up on the table (despite it's lack of legs) and began to speak in tongues.
"What's it saying?" Ron asked Hermione, who looked annoyed because she didn't know.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot you all speak English. Well, in that case, let me repeat myself. I am a flobberworm…. from helllllllllllllllll"
"Great," Snape said, smashing it with a book.
Harry Potter and the Unexplainable Wad of Tissues
Meanwhile, in the hospital wing, Madam Pomfrey was wadding tissues around Harry's injured hand. "You'd think a bandage would work, but cheap ass Dumbledore blew all the money on the Christmas decorations, and after that nasty malpractice suit, I can't buy medical supplies myself… you'd think they'd realize that it was just ONE GLOVE for the sake of a patient's enjoyment… I didn't hear the PATIENT complaining. One glove and I'm back in the bloody stone ages…"
Harry wasn't listening, partly because he never does, and partly because he noticed something odd about these tissues.
"Madam Pomfrey, are these the tissues with lotion in them?"
"Yes, they are. Disgusting, aren't they? I think Ray on Everybody Loves Raymond said it best… they feel like somebody already used them. But, for the sake of soaking up your blood, they do nicely. Not as nicely as a BANDAGE, but cheap ass Dumbledore…"
"Yes, yes, Madam Pomfrey, that will do." Professor McGonagall had appeared, and she didn't look pleased at hearing her beloved slandered.
"Professor McGonagall, is something wrong?" Harry asked, because she had a pinched look on her face.
"No, Mr. Potter, I always look like this, remember?"
"Oh, that's right. So, what's going on then?"
"Actually, I was wondering just WHAT you think you're doing with THAT wad of tissues."
"Um… what?"
"That's school property, and you're BLEEDING all OVER it."
"Wow, Professor, what's with the random capitalization of your words?"
"I DON'T know MISTER potter, but I will FIND out! After you TELL me where that WAD of tissues came from!"
"Um, Madam Pomfrey said they'd soak up my blood."
"WHAT blood?" Harry looked down and, indeed, there was no blood.
"Hey, these tissues are like magic!"
"Oh, dear. You are an idiot."
A/N: Okay, all, this started as 4 AM net surfing, it turned into a crazy fic. I tried to incorporate many of the hilarious "Harry Potter Titles You'll Never See" type things. Here goes.
Harry Potter and the Mysteries of Windows 2000
"What is this thing?" Ron asked, peeringly curiously at the square thing on Hermione's desk.
"It's my computer. I can't bring it to Hogwarts, it won't work there. So I keep it here at my parent's house."
"What's a computer?"
"Oh, that's right. You wouldn't know, would you? Harry knows, don't you Harry?"
"Sure, Dudley plays cool games on his computer. Let me show you, Ron." Harry sat down in front of the computer and began typing furiously. "I know the code for a game, just wait one second." The screen turned blue and random numbers appeared on it.
"NO! NOT THE BLUE SCREEN OF DEATH!" Harry screamed in frustration.
"What's the problem, son?" Hermione's father popped in and asked.
"This blasted machine! It keeps saying Illegal Operation! I haven't even DONE anything! Die, PC, DIE!!!"
Harry Potter and the Enchanted Cheese Grater
"I'm sorry, Hermione, I don't think I made a good impression on your parents."
"No, Harry, bludgeoning an expensive piece of machinery is the perfect way to win them over."
"Oh, good then!"
*sigh*
"hey, Hermione, what's this?" Ron picked up a cheese grater.
"That grates cheese, Ron," she explained in a bored voice.
"Neat!" Ron ran his hand down the grater, tearing off layers of skin and gushing blood.
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"Oh, honestly, come here," Hermione grabbed his hand and pointed her wand at it.
"Hermione, we can't do magic outside of school!"
"I'd say this is an emergency, wouldn't you?" Looking at Ron's bloodied hand, Harry nodded yes.
"All better now," Hermione said. Ron looked down and saw his hand was repaired. He threw his arms
around Hermione in gratitude. She looked revolted and pushed him aside.
"Hey, look at the cheese grater now!" Harry exclaimed. They both looked and saw the grater was dancing along the edge of the counter with a tiny cane and top hat.
"Blimey! Muggles have neat stuff!"
"Uh, Ron, it's not supposed to do that. There must be some odd connection between Muggle objects and Wizard blood."
"Yes."
"Let's just go to school before we totally wreck the place."
Harry Potter and the Urinal of Wisdom
"Ron, I'll be right back, I have to use the loo."
"Wow, I didn't realize we had bodily functions. They've never been mentioned."
"Good point, Ron... but, now, for some reason, I seem to be having one."
"Harry, don't go! What if it's some kind of trap?"
"Calm down, Hermione, we spent the larger part of our second year in a bathroom, and we were fine."
"Yes, but it was a girl's bathroom. Boy's bathrooms aren't always that pleasant."
"You may have a point, but I'm going to go anyway."
Without fear, or a brain, Harry strode off to the boy's bathroom. While he was urinating, he heard a strange voice.
"Harry… you must not stay at Hogwarts."
"Oh, crackers, not this again. Dobby where are you?"
"I am not Dobby. I am the Urinal of Wisdom!"
"Okay, that's creepy… hey, wait, are you for real?"
"Yes. I am a talking urinal!"
"Wow. Neat. Hey, you can see my naughty parts!" Embarrassed, Harry zipped his pants up.
"Without even a follow-up jiggle? Kid, that's asking for trouble."
"So, you really have wisdom huh? What's that?"
"I know, intelligence is such a strange concept for the stupid to handle. We don't need to worry about that. The important thing is, Harry, you must leave Hogwarts at once. There is an evil plot against you."
"When isn't there? I still don't care. My friends are here."
"Oh you big baby. You HAVE to leave. When a urinal tells you what to do, boy, you do it! You simply cannot stay in this series - er, school, any longer. You are driving people mad."
"Ooh, with desire?"
"No, Professor Snape does that. You drive them mad with frustration and homicidal tendencies."
"That doesn't sound good."
"It isn't. Leave at once, boy!"
Harry Potter and the Flobberworm from Hell
"Maybe you should listen, Harry."
"I never have before, Hermione, and I'm still alive!"
"Just barely, and anyway, you only have 2 books left. That's approximately two thousand pages… Something bad could happen."
"Yes, but I will not heed warning. I am a hero, remember? I don't see you fighting Voldemort and having your godfather murdered, and still managing to carry on, now do I??"
"Ron, he's having his tantrums again."
"Cripes, I thought we settled this. Oh well, we're late for Potions, let's just take him with us."
"Oh, sure, don't even ASK me if I want to go. Just drag him along, maybe we'll find trouble on the way and he can save our lives, good old Harry. GOOD OLD HARRY MY FOOT!"
"Yes, yes," Hermione murmured, dragging Harry into the dungeons. He stopped screaming but sat at his desk fuming.
"Get to work!" Professor Snape snapped, flicking his wand at the board. An unusually uncomplicated potion appeared. Hermione looked disappointed, but Ron was glad. With Harry in his funk, he wouldn't do well. And Snape's pestering was not likely to make Mt. Harry any less likely to erupt.
"Yuck, flobberworms!" Ron groaned. Harry grabbed them and started grinding them up, with a maniacal gleam in his eye. Ron backed away a few steps.
"Little flobberworms… grindy grindy grind little flobbies… OUCH!" Harry screamed. Professor Snape wafted over to Harry and Ron, a look of contempt on his face.
"What have you done horrifically wrong now, Mr. Potter?"
"The flobberworm bit me!"
"It doesn't even have the biological capacity to do such a thing, Mr. Potter. Detention."
It was just then that Snape noticed blood gushing from Harry's hand.
"Bloody hell!" exclaimed Ron.
"No pun intended, I presume?"
"Huh?"
"Never mind. Mr. Potter, get to the hospital wing - and hurry before someone realizes that I was wrong! GO!" Harry ran out of the room grasping his bleeding hand. Snape turned to examine the flobberworm in question. "What the…?" the flobberworm's eyes glowed red and a tiny pair of fangs were protruding from it. It stood up on the table (despite it's lack of legs) and began to speak in tongues.
"What's it saying?" Ron asked Hermione, who looked annoyed because she didn't know.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot you all speak English. Well, in that case, let me repeat myself. I am a flobberworm…. from helllllllllllllllll"
"Great," Snape said, smashing it with a book.
Harry Potter and the Unexplainable Wad of Tissues
Meanwhile, in the hospital wing, Madam Pomfrey was wadding tissues around Harry's injured hand. "You'd think a bandage would work, but cheap ass Dumbledore blew all the money on the Christmas decorations, and after that nasty malpractice suit, I can't buy medical supplies myself… you'd think they'd realize that it was just ONE GLOVE for the sake of a patient's enjoyment… I didn't hear the PATIENT complaining. One glove and I'm back in the bloody stone ages…"
Harry wasn't listening, partly because he never does, and partly because he noticed something odd about these tissues.
"Madam Pomfrey, are these the tissues with lotion in them?"
"Yes, they are. Disgusting, aren't they? I think Ray on Everybody Loves Raymond said it best… they feel like somebody already used them. But, for the sake of soaking up your blood, they do nicely. Not as nicely as a BANDAGE, but cheap ass Dumbledore…"
"Yes, yes, Madam Pomfrey, that will do." Professor McGonagall had appeared, and she didn't look pleased at hearing her beloved slandered.
"Professor McGonagall, is something wrong?" Harry asked, because she had a pinched look on her face.
"No, Mr. Potter, I always look like this, remember?"
"Oh, that's right. So, what's going on then?"
"Actually, I was wondering just WHAT you think you're doing with THAT wad of tissues."
"Um… what?"
"That's school property, and you're BLEEDING all OVER it."
"Wow, Professor, what's with the random capitalization of your words?"
"I DON'T know MISTER potter, but I will FIND out! After you TELL me where that WAD of tissues came from!"
"Um, Madam Pomfrey said they'd soak up my blood."
"WHAT blood?" Harry looked down and, indeed, there was no blood.
"Hey, these tissues are like magic!"
"Oh, dear. You are an idiot."