A/N: these titles were all found at mugglenet.com/rejectedtitles.shtml All credit for the titles belongs to those good people. All credit for HP characters goes to J.K.Rowling. All credit for genius storyline goes to ME!!!
Harry Potter and the Clean but Unfolded Laundry
Neville's clothes were strewn all about the dormitory, unfolded and haphazardly flung. Harry picked up a shirt and sniffed it, realized the clothes were clean. If they are clean, Harry thought, WHY ARE THEY NOT FOLDED?
"Voldemort murdered my parents!" Harry screamed at the clothes. They did not seem to care. Harry flung himself on his bed and began to sob. His ass was burning, the clothes weren't folded, and nobody loved him anymore. Sob, sob.
"Harry, are you all right?" Harry sat up with a start and wiped his eyes.
"Sure, Seamus, I'm fine."
"Did you have a crazy Voldemort dream and toss the clothes about?"
"No, they're Neville's. And when he gets in here, there will be hell to pay."
"Um... why?"
"CLEAN CLOTHES ARE SUPPOSED TO BE FOLDED! OTHERWISE, HOW CAN YOU TELL THEM APART FROM DIRTY CLOTHES?"
"Good point... but it's still not a capital offense or anything, Harry."
"VOLDEMORT MURDERED MY PARENTS!"
"I'm leaving." Seamus walked out of the room, and Harry promptly began sobbing again.
Harry Potter and the Trench Coat Mafia
Harry sat up with a start in the middle of the night. He had cried himself to sleep and missed dinner. His ass itch had subsided, however, but something about Snape's potion was making him feel a little... homicidal. Harry looked over at the sleeping Seamus and smiled at the mental image of gunning down Seamus in a blaze of glory.
Whoa, Harry, what are you thinking? Harry shook himself to try to dislodge the thought, but it stuck. He now envisioned himself runnng through the school, bringing justice to all those who had wronged him. Harry's mental self ran into Snape's dungeons, opened his trench coat - wait, what happened to his robes?
Harry got out of bed and slipped his Invisibility Cloak on. He had to see Professor Snape. He stumbled down and managed, somehow, as usual, to allude detection despite the fact that his hand stuck out of the cloak to carry the lantern. No one noticed floating lanterns with hands attached anymore.
Harry made his way to Snape's door and stood trembling outside... he knew not why he was dreaming of murdering his classmates, but it was quite probable Snape was behind it. Despite all evidence to the contrary, Harry believed Snape was evil.
"Oh, floating lantern, may I ask what your doing here?" a low, cold voice came from behind Harry. He spun around, losing half of the cloak so only half his head was showing. "Son of Merlin! Someone finally chopped off half of Potter's head! Oh, joy!" Harry fully removed the cloak and Snape's face fell. "Blast..."
"Professor Snape... that potion for my... well..."
"Rectal itch?"
"Yes, that. Does it have any... odd side effects?"
Snape grinned evilly. "Why, no, it doesn't."
"I must be going mad!"
"Potter, come into my office. We have a lot in common all of a sudden." Harry was appalled to hear Snape say this, but he went into his office anyway - what else was there to do? "Potter... may I call you Harry? Harry... that sounds terrible coming out of my mouth. I am so beautiful, I should not mar this... Potter, it is a side effect of something that's been happening to you lately."
"Being possessed and controlled by Voldemort?"
"Er, no... being written as angsty."
"I'm sorry?"
Snape sighed and leaned across his desk. "You started out with a horrible life, kid - but when this whole fiasco began, you were still hopeful. Positive, in a disgusting way. But, your experiences - seeing death, especially that of a loved one... they have made you somewhat less enjoyable to read about - er, be around. You have morphed into a Junior Me... all Angst, all the time."
"So... I dream about killing people now?"
"Yep. And you also really need a hug."
"Are you offering?"
"Merlin, no! I'm angsty, too. We cannot bond! Leave my office immediately... why did I even bring you here? Oh oh... you remind me of your father, whom I hated... grumble, sigh, angst." Harry leaped out of his seat and made for the door, as Snape laid his head in his hands and began to softly weep.
Harry Potter and the Clean but Unfolded Laundry
Neville's clothes were strewn all about the dormitory, unfolded and haphazardly flung. Harry picked up a shirt and sniffed it, realized the clothes were clean. If they are clean, Harry thought, WHY ARE THEY NOT FOLDED?
"Voldemort murdered my parents!" Harry screamed at the clothes. They did not seem to care. Harry flung himself on his bed and began to sob. His ass was burning, the clothes weren't folded, and nobody loved him anymore. Sob, sob.
"Harry, are you all right?" Harry sat up with a start and wiped his eyes.
"Sure, Seamus, I'm fine."
"Did you have a crazy Voldemort dream and toss the clothes about?"
"No, they're Neville's. And when he gets in here, there will be hell to pay."
"Um... why?"
"CLEAN CLOTHES ARE SUPPOSED TO BE FOLDED! OTHERWISE, HOW CAN YOU TELL THEM APART FROM DIRTY CLOTHES?"
"Good point... but it's still not a capital offense or anything, Harry."
"VOLDEMORT MURDERED MY PARENTS!"
"I'm leaving." Seamus walked out of the room, and Harry promptly began sobbing again.
Harry Potter and the Trench Coat Mafia
Harry sat up with a start in the middle of the night. He had cried himself to sleep and missed dinner. His ass itch had subsided, however, but something about Snape's potion was making him feel a little... homicidal. Harry looked over at the sleeping Seamus and smiled at the mental image of gunning down Seamus in a blaze of glory.
Whoa, Harry, what are you thinking? Harry shook himself to try to dislodge the thought, but it stuck. He now envisioned himself runnng through the school, bringing justice to all those who had wronged him. Harry's mental self ran into Snape's dungeons, opened his trench coat - wait, what happened to his robes?
Harry got out of bed and slipped his Invisibility Cloak on. He had to see Professor Snape. He stumbled down and managed, somehow, as usual, to allude detection despite the fact that his hand stuck out of the cloak to carry the lantern. No one noticed floating lanterns with hands attached anymore.
Harry made his way to Snape's door and stood trembling outside... he knew not why he was dreaming of murdering his classmates, but it was quite probable Snape was behind it. Despite all evidence to the contrary, Harry believed Snape was evil.
"Oh, floating lantern, may I ask what your doing here?" a low, cold voice came from behind Harry. He spun around, losing half of the cloak so only half his head was showing. "Son of Merlin! Someone finally chopped off half of Potter's head! Oh, joy!" Harry fully removed the cloak and Snape's face fell. "Blast..."
"Professor Snape... that potion for my... well..."
"Rectal itch?"
"Yes, that. Does it have any... odd side effects?"
Snape grinned evilly. "Why, no, it doesn't."
"I must be going mad!"
"Potter, come into my office. We have a lot in common all of a sudden." Harry was appalled to hear Snape say this, but he went into his office anyway - what else was there to do? "Potter... may I call you Harry? Harry... that sounds terrible coming out of my mouth. I am so beautiful, I should not mar this... Potter, it is a side effect of something that's been happening to you lately."
"Being possessed and controlled by Voldemort?"
"Er, no... being written as angsty."
"I'm sorry?"
Snape sighed and leaned across his desk. "You started out with a horrible life, kid - but when this whole fiasco began, you were still hopeful. Positive, in a disgusting way. But, your experiences - seeing death, especially that of a loved one... they have made you somewhat less enjoyable to read about - er, be around. You have morphed into a Junior Me... all Angst, all the time."
"So... I dream about killing people now?"
"Yep. And you also really need a hug."
"Are you offering?"
"Merlin, no! I'm angsty, too. We cannot bond! Leave my office immediately... why did I even bring you here? Oh oh... you remind me of your father, whom I hated... grumble, sigh, angst." Harry leaped out of his seat and made for the door, as Snape laid his head in his hands and began to softly weep.