(Commercial. A friendly-looking red-head stands behind a podium with a bottle and spoon.)
ANNOUNCER: Hello, friends. I'm you're Vitameatavegamin girl. Are you tired, run-down, listless? Do you poop out at parties? Are you unpopular? If so, the answer to all your problems is in this little bottle: Vitameatavegamin. Vitameatavegamin contains vitamins, meat, vegetables and minerals. Yes, with Vitameatvegamin, you can spoon your way to health. All you do is take a tablespoon after every meal.
(The woman samples the product. Her eyes bug out, then she seems to get used to it.)
ANNOUNCER: It's so tasty --hic-- too. Just like candy. (quietly) That's a load of--
OFF-SCREEN VOICE: Damn, I knew she hadn't sobered up! Get her off!
ANNOUNCER: So why don't you --hic-- join the thousands of suckers who are buying this miracle product and great a get big bottle of Vegameanameneymo.
(She starts swigging the stuff again as stagehands drag her off.)
OFF-SCREEN VOICE: Get her back to the 50s, she's getting too modern.
(End Commercial. Back to the show. The girls are at their corners, stretching and preparing to fight. Doc is looking left and right, looking for escape routes. Suddenly he gets an idea.)
DOC: (looking down) If my theory is correct. . . .
(He tries to get up. He is able to stand bent over while still tied to the chair. He starts walking towards the invisible screen. Unfortunately for him, Gina notices this.)
GINA: (shriek) HE'S GETTING AWAY!
(All the girls charge at Doc! He tries to run, but that's a hard task bent over tied to a chair. He trips and falls into the screen. The girls surround him, concerned and wanting to get close to him.)
J. C.: (stroking his face) Are you okay?
CLARA: (feeling his legs) Is anything broken, dear?
GINA: (running her fingers through his hair) I hope I didn't scare you with my yell.
QUARAN: (arms wrapped around his stomach) Do you want a tummy rub?
LISA: (her hands on his shoulders) Why'd you do that? (seductively) I'd never do anything to hurt you. . . .
(Doc, with a nervous smile, is trying to ward them off.)
DOC: I'm fine girls, just fine, you can go away now. (as they get more "intimate") Christina! Christina, help. . . .
(Christina works her way into the crowd of girls.)
CHRISTINA: (pushing the girls away, as they loudly protest) Break it up, girls, break it up. GINA! Get your hand away from there! Quaran, stop with the tummy rub, he's not a dog! J. C., just -- just stop.
DOC: (furiously) Get your hands -- hey! Stop it, listen to -- HEY!
CHRISTINA: (angrily) GIRLS! I'll cancel this!
(The girls finally listen and slink back to their corners. Christina stands a very indignant Doc upright.)
DOC: I'd rather face a paradox than those girls. I'm suing you for improper conduct, kidnaping. . . .
CHRISTINA: Save it for after the show, Doc. (yelling to stage hands) Can we get some super glue?
DOC: (shaking his head violently) NO! I'm leaving right--
(Christina whips out Doc's sleep inducer and sends him off to dreamland. Brief cut, then Doc is superglued into place and getting very angry and scared. The girls get ready for battle. Christina stands by a buzzer.)
CHRISTINA: (yelling) Everyone ready?
DOC: Er -- according to my calculations, the amount of energy these girls have, when released all in one place, might cause--
GIRLS: Ready!
CHRISTINA: (ignoring Doc's rambles) Then let's start!
(She presses the buzzer. The four younger girls immediately go for Clara. They all fall down in a tangled mess, kicking, biting, and scratching.)
GINA: Death to the Unholy One!
CLARA: Who writes the "R" fics here?!
(They roll over and over for a moment, then disentangle and start trying more sophisticated battle moves. Quaran races behind Clara and delivers a vicious wedgie!)
QUARAN: (victory yell) Take that, Doc-stealer!
CLARA: Urgh!
(J. C. battles Lisa and Gina with karate, throwing chops and kicks all over the place. Gina counters with plain dirty pool, Lisa with boxing.)
LISA: You're going down!
J. C.: Yeah right! Tell that to some other girl!
(She kicks Lisa's face. Lisa grabs her and throws her at the wall. She smacks into the invisible screen. Closeup of Lisa's cheering section.)
DR. WHO 5: Go get 'em, Lis!
DR. WHO 8: If you need any help, I'm willing to give it!
MIRAGE: Go Lisa!
(Clara, walking a little funny, runs to Lisa and knocks her down. They wrestle on the floor as Gina avoids Quaran. J. C., shaking her head clear, gets up and saunters over to Doc. The scientist leans as far away as he can.)
J. C.: (smiling as she sits on his lap) Hi, Doc.
DOC: (managing a weak grin) Hi. Shouldn't you be fighting?
J. C.: (opening his shirt) Nobody's noticing me. We can have a nice, long chat.
DOC: How old are you?
J. C.: (licking him) Does it matter?
DOC: Hey! Someone, anyone, get her off me!
(Gina answers the call.)
GINA: (doing her best "George" impression) "Hey you, get your damn hands off him!"
GEORGE: (from audience) I didn't sound that geeky!
(J. C. growls.)
J. C.: (doing a "Whose-Line? Wayne" impression) "You must combat the wave!"
(She assumes a silly judo pose. Gina assumes another, and they go at it, moving away from Doc. The scientist looks to heaven.)
DOC: (muttering) Nope, too abstract. . . . No, too complicated. . . . No, too predictable. . . . Damn it, where's Marty when I need him?! Think Emmett, THINK!
(Meanwhile, everyone has cottoned on quickly to Quaran's one combat skill. She's reduced to regular fighting, and it's not going well. She goes over her options, then brightens.)
QUARAN: Lifeline! Bring me -- BOB THE DINOSAUR!
(A lightning bolt hits the arena, nearly giving Doc a heart attack. When the smoke clears, Bob the Wedgie-Sore-aus is standing there, his goofy smile in place.)
SCOTT ADAMS: Hey, what happened to my comic strip???
(Inked words hover above Bob's head.)
WORDS: Bob the Dinosaur gives wedgies to people who deserve them
QUARAN: (commanding) Get 'em, Bob! Smite them with your mighty tail!
BOB: Huh? Smite? (holding his tail) Uh, cramp. . . .
QUARAN: (annoyed) Then wedgie them, I don't care!
(Bob goes after J. C. and Gina. J. C. bolts while Gina ducks behind him. Clara stomps on her foot. Gina yelps and holds her foot, then starts to tapdance.)
LISA: Not as good as this. (She moonwalks)
QUARAN: How about this? (Does "Doubleback" with Bob)
CLARA: I can do that! (Does "Clementine" dance)
J. C.: Top this! (Breakdances)
BIFF: (throwing popcorn) I came to see a fight, not a dance! C'mon, fight!
J-FLUX: (talking to Doc Lathrop beside him) Think I should sue? This is getting as crazy as "Paranormal Paradox."
DOC LATHROP: (shaking his head) Not yet. I want to see who wins.
(Suddenly, a stage hand throws a skateboard into the arena! J. C. spots it first.)
J. C.: All right! It's a Valterra too!
(The other girls see it and scramble to get their hands on it. There's one of those cartoon fight tornados over it.)
DOC: (shaking his head) That goes against all the known laws of physics.
GRIFF: So does all those hot chicks lusting after you, bojo!
(There is a spray of popcorn in his direction from Doc admirers.)
GRIFF: Just an opinion, lobos.
(Lisa claims the prize and starts skating around. The girls, furious, chase after her.)
GINA: Give me that skateboard!
(J. C. executes a flying tackle on Lisa. There's another fight tornado. Gina grabs the skateboard and skates away, causing the tornado to chase her. Closeup of Gina's cheering section.)
JD BURNS: Way to go, Gina!
TEKVA: You can do it, girl! Just remember, if you put your mind to it, you can accomplish anything!
DOC: Don't encourage her with my words!
(J. C. disentangles herself from the tornado and runs towards Doc.)
J. C.: Safe! (She smiles at Doc) Hi, lover boy.
DOC: Keep your manus off me!
J. C.: (confused) Wha?
(Doc is saved from answering by Clara attacking J. C. in a wrestling move. The people from BTTF III cheer her!)
BUFORD: Ride on, filly!
BAR PATRON 1: (raising a beer) Here's to you, schoolmarm!
(Bob gets Gina in a wedgie.)
GINA: EEP!
(Quaran grabs the skateboard and runs with it. Bob goes after Lisa, who delivers a few hits to the head.)
FAOLCROP91: This has more random insanity than my fic.
(As the girls wrestle, Doc tests his bonds again and kicks whoever comes near him.)
DOC: By every scientist who ever lived, let me get me OUT OF HERE!
CHRISTINA: Well, so far the fight is going strong. Who will win? Stay tuned!