(Commercial. It's Vitameatavegamin again, this time with a young blond in place of the redhead. She looks extremely eager.)
ANNOUNCER: Are we ready? Am I on? I'm on! (Smiling at audience) Hello, friends! I'm your Vitameatavegamin girl! Are you tired, run down, listless? Do you poop out at parties? Are you unpopular? If so, the answer to all your problems is in this bittle lottle -- little bottle!
(She starts crying hysterically.)
ANNOUNCER: I screwed up! I'm pathetic and worthless!
OFF-SCREEN VOICE: (panicking) Damn it! Keep going, girl! Keep going!
(The announcer just barely pulls herself together.)
ANNOUNCER: (a whimper still in her voice) Is in this little bottle: Vitameatavegamin. Vitameatavegamin contains vitamins, meat, vegetables, and minerals. Yes, with Vitameatavegamin, you can spoon your way to health. All you do is take a spoonful after every meal.
(She tastes the product, gags, spits it out, and begins crying again.)
ANNOUNCER: (makeup streaming down her face) Oh, I'm just no good at all! I'm horrible and dumb and silly. . . .
OFF-SCREEN VOICE: (sighing) Get her off. Somebody get her a tissue.
(End commercial. Christina shakes her head.)
CHRISTINA: We gotta get a new sponsor. (Seeing she's on-camera) Ah, welcome back! The girls are still going strong, and we're getting ready to throw our next special item into the ring.
(Cut to the girls, kicking and scratching wildly. Doc is desperately trying to loosen the super glue, rocking back and forth. Bob has passed his ten-minute time limit and has disappeared.)
DOC: (whispering, a broken man) I'll do anything if you'll leave me alone!
QUARAN: (looking up from trying to wedgie Lisa) Like what?
DOC: Destroy the DeLorean, let Biff have the almanac--
BIFF: (from audience) Changed my mind about the fight!
DOC: (getting more desperate by the second) Hell, I'll french-kiss Marty! Just leave me be!
(Collective "EEEWWW!!" from all in the arena.)
LISA: (making a face) Dis-GUSTING!
GINA: YUCK!
J. C.: (looking green) I'm going to puke.
BIFF: (pale) Changed my mind again.
LORRAINE: (shuddering) That's worse than what I did to Marty.
(The girls go back to fighting. A new item is thrown into the ring -- Doc's stopwatch. Lisa sees this one.)
LISA: What's that for?
CHRISTINA: It can stop time for ten seconds.
DOC: (confused) Since when?
CHRISTINA: Since this show.
(Gina pulls herself free of the fight, grabs the skateboard, skates over, and grabs the stopwatch. The girls chase her, leaving fire trails in the ring. Gina skates by Doc and presses the stopwatch. Everything freezes except her. She hops off the skateboard and sits on Doc's lap.)
GINA: (happily) What's up, sexy?
(Frozen in time, Doc can't reply. She plants a big sloppy one right on his lips.)
(Time unfreezes just then. The girls all crash into the invisible screen. Doc is horrified to have Gina on his lap. She gives him a big, crushing hug.)
GINA: Do you know how hot you are?
(She squeezes harder. Doc looks at her.)
DOC: (whispering) Gina?
GINA: (also whispering) Yes, Doc?
DOC: (still whispering, and turning blue) Air?
GINA: (blushing) Oh, sorry!
(She releases him. Doc sucks in oxygen. The other girls see what's happened.)
CLARA: (smugly) She hurt Emmett! Dis-qualified!
J. C.: (yelling) BREAK A DEAL, FACE THE WHEEL!
LISA: What wheel?
J. C.: (shrugging) I heard it -- ack!
(Quarantina has managed to wedgie her. Gina's cheering section boos.)
TEKVA: She was just hugging him! Leave her in!
ANAKIN MCFLY: Boy, you wouldn't think a woman in her 50s could yell that loud!
(Christina checks Doc over and confers with a judge.)
CHRISTINA: No lasting damage. She stays. But no more stopwatch for you.
(Gina reluctantly lets go off the watch. The other girls growl and circle her. She responds with some hard kicks. Soon the scene dissolves back into total chaos, Doc whimpering miserably.)
(Up in the stands, however. . . .)
MARTY: Jesus, Doc! He could have gotten really hurt!
JENNIFER: (eating popcorn) I think he still might. Those girls are fighting awfully close to him. It's surprising he hasn't gotten kicked yet.
MARTY: (shaking his head) He doesn't look good. This isn't right! I'm going to go save him from those love-crazed girls!
JENNIFER: (impressed) I'm with you! But how?
(Someone idles up to them in the dark.)
SOMEONE: Psst. I heard you want to save Doc.
(Marty looks up. A mysterious figure in a vaguely Star-Trek like uniform is nearby.)
MARTY: (suspiciously) Who are you?
(The stranger comes into the light.)
SOMEONE: I'm PIcaRDMPC. I can help you get through the screen with the help of--
(Three young girls in little skirts appear behind him.)
PICARDMPC: THE POWERPUFF GIRLS!
JENNIFER: The Powerpuff Girls? Couldn't you get Arnold Schwarzenegger or something?
MARTY: I guess we'll have to take help from any source we can get it from.
(He stands up in appropriately shredded shirt, makeshift headband, and torn jeans. Jennifer sighs.)
JENNIFER: Marty, you look so sexy, just like Rambo.
MARTY: (smiling) Thanks, Jen. Lead on, PPG! Let's kick some fan-girl butt!
(Back in the arena, Lisa isn't doing so well. She decides she needs help.)
LISA: Lifeline time! Bring me my Mary-Sue!
(Lightning strikes the arena! When the smoke clears, Alien Lisa stands there, looking around in confusion.)
AL: What happened?
LISA: Hey, Alien Lisa. I need a favor.
AL: After subjecting me to seeing Data die? No way!
LISA: Well, if you want to see Doc torn to pieces by eager fan-girls. . . .
(Alien Lisa looks and see Doc surrounded by the girls, cooing at him and feeling him up. She gets annoyed.)
AL: Hey! Leave my friend alone!
(The girls ignore her. AL spreads her wings indignantly and decides to get serious. She coughs and clears her throat. She starts singing "Life's a Show" from the Musical Buffy episode. The girls yelp and back away. The audience moans and covers their ears. A few get up and leave.)
GINA: (angrily) You wanna play rough, Lisa? Lifeline! Bring me Gina Brown, Doc's daughter!
(The lightning snaps and crackles. Daughter Gina appears from the smoke.)
D-GINA: (nervously) Where am I? Bad enough I get thrown back to the 50s after my father is killed. . . .
GINA: He's right here, Gina-2, but he's still in danger.
(D-Gina spots the girls crowding Doc. She gets mad.)
D-GINA: Hey! Get your hands off my Daddy!
CLARA: (startled) Daddy?? He only has my two precious boys!
DOC: I'm not anyone's Daddy! Get off me, you #$&%&(&(&$)&%#%!
(Five women in the audience faint, two men have heart attacks from hearing the word.)
FAOLCROP91: Whoa! That beats all the records!
D-GINA: (stunned) DADDY!
AL: (equally stunned) Yipes.
CLARA: Emmett, watch your mouth!
J. C.: That was directed at you, in case you hadn't noticed! You &$&%(!
(Close-up of J. C.'s cheering section. Three girls yell happily, holding Anti-Clara signs.)
BACK TO THE CHAOS: Go J. C.! Go J. C.! Kill Clara! Kill Clara!
BUFORD: Shut up!
BACK TO THE CHAOS: Go to hell! We'll twist you until you puke in our twisted editions!
(Biff stops Buford from replying.)
BIFF: They mean it, great-granddad. You should see what they did to me.
BUFORD: Shut up, butt-head.
BIFF: (angrily) Who are you calling a butt-head, butt-head?
GRIFF: Who's a butt-head?
BIFF: Not you, butt-head, this butt-head.
BUFORD: You're both butt-heads!
GRIFF: Don't call me a butt-head, butt-head!
(George hits them all on the back of the head.)
GEORGE: Shut up and watch the fight!
(J. C. moves closer to Doc, incurring the wrath of AL and D-Gina.)
AL: You'd better stay back, you!
D-GINA: Leave Daddy alone!
FLAMING: (growling) Three can play at this game! Lifeline! Bring me my Mary-Sue!
(Lightning cooks the arena floor. When the smoke clears, two women are standing there!)
MYSTIE: What the hell just happened?
JOSIE: Whatever it was, I'm glad. Just saved me from the incinerator!
GINA: (upset) Hey, no fair! I have two Mary-Sues, but both didn't show up for me!
FLAMING: (blushing) Sorry, I completely forgot about Josie. To make it fair, I won't use the power again.
CHRISTINA: Sounds fair to me. Girls?
(The other's grudgingly concede. Clara snarls.)
CLARA: Hope your two bitches can handle my firepower! Bring me Clint Eastwood, the actor!
(The all too familiar lightning bolt, and Clint Eastwood emerges from the smoke.)
CLINT: (lips move but no sound comes out)
AUTHOR: Apologies, the only Clint Eastwood I ever saw was Marty.
CLARA: (disgusted) Terrific. Well, as long as he can fight.
(In response, Clint pulls a .45.)
CLARA: That's better.
QUARAN: Hey, are we allowed to call down the same person we called down before?
CHRISTINA: I don't see why not.
QUARAN: Great! Bring me Bob the Dinosaur!
(The horribly cliched lightning bolt strikes, bringing back the Wedgie-Sore-aus.)
SCOTT ADAMS: Damn! I'd nearly finished inking this cartoon!
(The sub fighters all go at it. Clint, D-Gina, Bob, and AL briefly unite to take down Mystie and Josie, who are making eyes at Doc.)
D-GINA: You're not taking away my Dad!
CLINT: (mouths)
AL: I have some very powerful friends who will be willing to help me!
DR. WHO 8: Anytime, Lisa!
(Mystie and Josie both vamp out, causing the others to rethink their tatics. They go for an all-out old-fashioned brawl. The girls, free of fighting, crowd Doc.)
J C.: (cooing) Oh, Emmett, you look so pale. . . .
CLARA: Tell them you only want me, Emmett. . . .
LISA: I could give you anything you want, anything at all. . . .
QUARAN: You'd have a gaggle of fans willing to do your bidding, Emmett, if you'll be mine. . .
WEATHER EXPERIMENT: (from audience) You win him, you take care of him.
GINA: I've always wondered about your strong masculine charms. . . .
(Doc pulls back as far as he can in his chair, breathing hard from terror.)
DOC: This is just like "Night of the Living Dead". Leave me alone, girls. I'm not such a great guy. I'm 64 years old, I'm completely broke, I can't have alcohol at all. . . .
GIRLS: We don't care. You're hot. (They descend on him, kissing and stroking and generally doing naughty things.)
DOC: That does it. (He starts kicking again, but it seems to have no effect. He goes for heavy ammunition.) You do know I'm gay, right girls?
LISA: Good one, Doc. We're not going away.
(They keep doing naughty things while the audience gawks and cheers the subs. A few lecherous minded individuals take pictures. Doc squirms for a moment, then goes limp in dejection.)
DOC: (crying) Why me? I'll do anything, God, anything. Just get me free.
CHRISTINA: (heartstrings pulled) C'mon girls, back off a little. (As they pull back a bit, she turns to the camera, not noticing the dark shapes heading for the ring.) We'll be right back.